Celebrities vow to make world a better place now that Obama has ascended to White House; bulimics, Hollywood publicists hardest hit.
Ya know, I’m well aware that we conservatives are just a bunch of knuckle-dragging mouth breathers but this video leaves me perplexed. What has kept our intellectually and morally superior betters in Hollywood so preoccupied that only now are they pledging to make America a better place? Did festering Bush hatred drain their altruistic energy? Too busy having sex on piles of money surrounded by ostentatious opulence? Collectively curing America’s foreign oil addiction by cold-fusing atoms with their minds?
These morons can kiss the hairiest part of my posterior. Millions of Americans with far less free time and wealth have been selflessly doing their part to help their fellow countrymen over the past eight years. They didn’t just sit on their hands and bitch because they disagreed with President Bush. They weren’t making self-aggrandizing videos flogging their commitment to making America a better place. They just looked around the neighborhood and decided to make a difference.
Maybe some folks just need the vacuous words of a heretofore unaccomplished man before their hidden desire to pledge empty, unquantifiable acts of unity can be revealed.
Here’s my pledge now that the Earth is enjoying the cleansing, refreshing herbal colonic of an Obama presidency:
I pledge to continue living my life as I have over the past couple of decades. I will work. I will spend time with family and friends. I will hunt dove, quail, and ducks when they are in season. I will hold doors open for females. I will donate time and money to help those less fortunate. I will barbecue. And I will continue to view all politicians cynically while striving to insulate myself from their heavy-handed meddling.
Can Barack Obama inspire me to do anything I wouldn’t do anyway? Other than stockpiling some firearms I’m relatively certain will be banned now that Democrats control Washington, no he can’t. I might end up working more for less, but I won’t be doing any more or less. I didn’t celebrate when Bush took office and I’m not going to cry into my bacon and eggs now that Obama is in office. He may turn out to be a dandy president or he may turn out to be a dud, but for now Obama’s just another politician.
But what would you expect from a misogynistic, greedy, uneducated, gun-toting, bible-thumping, queer-hating, racist, anti-science, Earth-murdering, neo-conservative fascist Republican? If only I were so brilliant and enlightened…