Day In The Life Of New Jersey

Haven’t been doing much online lately.

Just started physical therapy for my back fusion, and, it’s been pretty annoying. Needs to be done, and I fully expected to have to do it, but it does tend to aggravate the pain. Knowing this could take between 6 and 12 months to get to a point where I can even start to be physically active (after being sidelined since May of 2009) weighs on you mentally, to the point of feeling a bit depressed.

Anyway, that’s for another day.

I haven’ t really taken a gander at the local news for some time. So, I figured I’d peruse the local/state news to see if anything wacky (at least for Jersey) has happened recently.

Three things stood out. And while they are not earth-shattering to the already bizarre situations of which our state is usually accustomed, they are notable for their, uh, uniqueness.

The first one consists of a marijuana bust. Usually these types of hits are done through months of surveillance, occurring in a well-planned, well documented sting operation.

This was a bit different.

Over the past month, seems police officers in Monroe Township noticed an unusually strong scent of the stuff, burning somewhere in the town. Not just a couple of your average stoners in a smoke-filled Pinto, but something which no matter where you were in town, the stench was overwhelming.

Tracking down the exact house, they busted they guy burning unusable parts of the plants (sticks, stems, roots, whatever) in his fireplace. Apparently he thought, or didn’t think, you couldn’t get high off this stuff, so using them as kindling was a good, safe way to dispose of the useless parts.

This bust led to the arrest of people in 5 different townships, resulting in the largest pot bust in state history: $10 million worth of marijuana seized.

Unbelievable.

Further investigation revealed sales of snack food in the five towns rose a dramatic 300% in the past month.

Next up, we have an individual who has taken up the task of knitting sweaters for trees.

Under cover of darkness, the “Midnight Knitter,” as the person has been dubbed, has been making colorful clothing for the the trees and lampposts of West Cape May.

A motive has not yet been established. It could just be a harmless lark. Or maybe the work of some eco-nut who believes that without their help, the trees will needlessly endure the treacherous cold of a New Jersey winter night. Possibly a corny artist who believes this is a claim to fame, and will be viewed as a noble artistic gesture highlighting the extremes to which global warming can affect our leafy friends.

Finally, and, perhaps most disturbing, is the a small outburst of several women utilizing the services of some quack “doctors” to administer “ass-augmentation.”

From The Examiner:

“Six Newark-area women in the last two months have been hospitalized with serious infections caused by injections of what police believe to be household caulk and other substances, possibly silicone and petroleum jelly.

Reports say the women paid a man to inject them with a substance the “practitioner” claimed would help transform their buttocks to make them look more shapely and similar to those belonging to naturally enhanced celebrities like Jennifer Lopez and Kim Kardashian.”

Uhhh.

These procedures, all preformed on Dominican women, were done in hotel rooms.

From NJ.com:

“The same stuff you use to put caulk around the bathtub,” said Steven M. Marcus, executive and medical director of the New Jersey Poison Information and Education System, who learned about the bizarre procedures through a committee he sits on that monitors outbreaks in the metropolitan area.”

Listen, I like a nice rear on a woman just as much as the next guy, but I draw the line at those made of household construction products.

And these are not “victims.” They are vain, self-absorbed lunatics willing to mutilate their bodies in hopes of attracting God-knows-what kind of attention. Chances are, the taxpayers of an already bankrupt state will be footing the bill for their idiocy.

Well, there you have it. One day’s brief cursory look at the happenings in the great state of New Jersey.

I have to say, I think I’ll be reading a bit more of the local news from now on.

You just can’t make this stuff up.

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  • GarandFan

    Wow! And everyone picks of Florida!

    Keep with the therapy! I had Brunhilde work on my shoulder twice a week for months and hated every moment. Especially her “Pain is illness leaving the body!” Oh, how’d I have liked to free her of illness on more than one occasion. Now pain-free two years…..she knew her stuff.

  • Stan

    I’ll send over Helga of Helga’s House of Pain to help. She does a real good job. Btw the link to the pot story is broken.

  • epador

    DAMMIT now I’ve been busted 4 surfing @ work. You just HAD to make me laugh (the pot bust).

    I am so glad I moved away from Jersey in 1971.

  • Shawn

    My apologies.

    I have no idea why the link does not work.

    It’s really not that important to the story.

    Thanks for the heads up!

    -Shawn

  • nj

    You forgot to mention the mountain lions wandering the streets of Marlboro and Manalapan.