Dear TV, I Don’t Care About Your ‘Reality’

Sunday rant…oh, it’s ON, baby…

I guess I am increasingly in the minority these days, but television entertainment has taken a turn for the worse. Don’t get me wrong, there are some fantastic shows, many of which are written on a higher level than TV has enjoyed since the days of Playhouse 90 and other serious early drama offerings. But on the other hand TV has made Newton Minnow all too prescient.

My point is, of course, that there is nothing worse than the so-called “reality TV” show. These things are indicative of almost all that is bad in American society. Sloth, arrogance, ignorance–willful ignorance, even–outright stupidity, lack of restraint, lack of decorum, lack of civility, hate… did I mention gutter-level stupidity… in fact, aside from murder, there seemingly isn’t anything bad about America these TV series don’t showcase for viewers.

So, for my rant today, let me just say…

Dear TV,

I hate your search-for-love series and hope everyone in them dies alone, driven mad by the emptiness in their lives.

I hope your fat children die of heart disease before they are 20.

I hope your hip hop-loving Bee-atches are killed by the one-night-stands they indulge on a nightly basis.

I not only want you “fired” I want you drawn and quartered.

I hope your apartment hunting finds you in a condo that burns down while you sleep.

I hope your bug-eating, island-living, game shows find you catching some deadly foreign disease from which you don’t survive.

I hope your cool eats place explodes in a freak gas accident that takes you with it.

I want some wild boar to turn you into its dinner.

I hope your chefs cook you a dinner that gives you deadly ptomaine poisoning.

I hope your home rehab finds leaded paint and asbestos fibers that send you to the morgue.

I hope your sex-tape-making family murders each other in fits of jealousy.

I hope your duck calls get stuck in your throat and you choke to death.

I hope you swap wives with a serial killer and she slays your whole family.

I hope you go from your corporate HQ and into one of your own shops to find a disgruntled employee with a gun and a lot of bullets.

I hope some errant motorcycle gang invades your restructuring of your bar series and robs you, beats you, and leaves you for dead.

In short if you are calling what you are filming a “reality” show, I just want you dead. You don’t deserve life in America. Shut up, you jackass. I have no interest in your empty lives, I don’t care about your petty feuds, I couldn’t care less about your opinions, I’ve got no sympathy for your personal travails, and what’s more no one should.

You are unimportant.

Just die in great pain.

Do it now.

OK, wild-eyed rant over and have a nice Sunday.

Weekend Caption Contest™ Winners
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  • Digg34

    Sounds like stuff I have heard at KOS or some other lefty site, only pointed more at anyone that disagrees with them.

  • Brucehenry

    Little harsh but I get the sentiment. I might not have gone quite so far lol.

  • RichFader

    I don’t know that I’d go all the way with that. I’ve long said, though, that the problem with looking for love on a TV dating show is that you’re looking among the type of people who look for love on a TV dating show. And tell me the Kardashians going Grand Guignol on each other wouldn’t be ratings gold.

  • GarandFan

    But…but…but….Todd! Those shows are put together by the elite intelligentsia. Don’t you just marvel at their creativity?

  • JWH

    Yes, reality TV sucks. But that’s the free market at work for you. Reality TV is cheap to produce, it fills hours, and people watch it.

  • retired.military

    The only “reality” tv I even turn on is Survivor and I generally read while it is on. In general I cant stand the crap that they put on tv now.

  • AndrewX

    Enough with the mamby-pamby milquetoast dancing around the edges of the issue….

    If you have something to say, just say it already…. jeez!

  • fustian24


    Change the channel.

    You do realize that just about half the people in this country are below average?

  • kazzer66

    LOL…I feel your pain, but you do realize that the power button turns the TV off, right?

  • Paul Hooson

    Apparently, I enjoy TV a lot more than you, Warner. But, your rant is clever and well written as usual. But, I do agree that most reality TV is mere junk. But, radio is often the same way. Look at Howard Stern for example. As much as I like Howard, his show is like all the coffee comments folks would have who aren’t on the air. DJs used to play records, not just spend a few hours talking to their friends in a conversation each day.
    I do like THE SONS OF ANARCHY a lot. They’re interesting characters in a show strangely styled after Shakespeare of all things. I feel a lot of empathy for them, as all bikers on the road are brothers, often giving one another a road “handshake” and mutual respect. But, in the TV show the guys seem fine with me one moment, pretty human, with everyday issues to deal with, but then the next moment do some horrible violent criminal act, that just leaves me horrified at their lack of self-control to limit what’s right and wrong to do. The show is good TV. I’m surprised in this day and age that this show is aired. Bike gangs seem more like a late 60’s or 70’s thing. A lot of bikers are aging these days, and are getting a little bit mellow. I’m getting close to 60, and that seems pretty young for a lot of other bikers I know who are really pushing father time.
    MeTV is pretty good. Give me a nice DOBIE GILLIS, BATMAN, LOST IN SPACE or STAR TREK rerun any day!
    With new TV, I like the CBS comedies a lot and CRIMINAL MINDS. CBS has sure rebooted itself since their old GREEN ACRES rural comedy days.
    I don’t get that duck call millionaire show, myself. True, I like four wheel drive trucks and guns as much as those guys. My family roots are from farm folks. But, I don’t get the show myself. It’s the most popular show on cable TV for some incomprehensible reason.

  • What is this “TV” of which you speak?

  • Plinytherecent

    Wow. I haven’t seen someone wishing for so much hideous death of other people since the last time I tuned into Chris Matthews (by mistake!!).

  • “Reality” is cheap compared to actually trying to come up with new ideas that can hold an audience. Especially when you can just recycle ideas that others have come up with. “Yes, it’s different – it’s ghost-hunters that are looking to find their soul mates while cooking in various apartments in Borneo!”

    …. I better shut up now, and get a copyright on that idea before someone else does.

    • JWH

      It’s cheap in a lot of ways. That said, I find I’ve enjoyed a couple reality shows. I did get really into one season of Survivor, and I occasionally enjoy watching the final episodes a season of America’s Got Talent or American Idol. They really do find some talent on those shows.

      I’m still in awe of Terry Fator, a ventriloquist from an early season of America’s Got Talent. The man combined singing, impersonations, comedy, and ventriloquism in a unique way. Last time I read about him, he had a very lucrative performance contract in Vegas.

      • I’ve enjoyed a few seasons of America’s Got Talent, if only for some of the more gonzo acts. (A guy who’s major talent is being able to take his nuts repeatedly hit? Well… in a very cringe-inducing way, it was impressive.)

        American Idol, The Voice, and the like – eh. But good on the Ventriloquist – do it well and it’s great!

        • JWH

          I did watch that season of Survivor that had Jon Dalton in it. Apparently, the guy was involved in a local professional wrestling promotion where he was from. When he got to Survivor, he decided he wanted to be remembered as the biggest villain ever. Among other things, he managed to fake news of his grandmother’s death to get sympathy from the other players.

          It was absolutely fascinating to watch. He made it to third place, then got knocked out of the final immunity challenge by this kind of mousy woman who hated his guts. They had an endurance challenge that involved squatting on a raft …. and while Dalton started showing wear and tear, the woman just pointed out to him that the squats were exactly the kind of exercise she did all the time.

          It was absolutely fascinating to watch. Since then, I think Jeff Probst has said that while Dalton made for great TV, he completely hated working with Dalton.

  • Samantha Pierce

    This made me think about what I watch on TV these days. I ditched cable and satellite and now watch all the good stuff from 10-25 years ago on Netflix. If I’m going to waste time watching TV I’m going to waste it on something good like MacGyver.