Are you a stupid American? Obama’s government thinks you are. So stupid, in fact, that his US Forest Service felt it necessary to give us all a 700-word article on how to roast marshmallows. Because, you know, you are all too stupid to know how to do it safely, and all.
Pete Kasperowicz found this gem of government nannyism at our nation’s oh, so helpful website of the US Department of Agriculture. It is entitled, “US Forest Service Asks: How Does Your Marshmallow Roast?.”
The nanny-state-styled instructions takes its cue from National Roasted Marshmallow Day (it was August 30, if you care even a little) and takes the time to give us all the safety procedures we’ll need to roast marshmallows without doing egregious harm to our stupid, dumbass selves.
Here is the third paragraph of the Forest Service how-to guide:
For some, the best use of marshmallows is as the gooey main ingredient of s’mores. Take a graham cracker, place a section of chocolate on it, and then carefully place a freshly roasted marshmallow on top of the candy bar. Top the marshmallow off with another graham cracker, carefully squeezing the campfire dessert sandwich together as the hot marshmallow melts the chocolate.
Now, for anyone that has even the tiniest thought that how we roast our marshmallows is any of the stinkin’ government’s business at all, this is where the article should have ended.
But, no, this is the government. So, we have many hundreds of more words and much nanny-statism in store for you.
Yes, the article goes on to teach you not to build fires incorrectly. It tells you to “work closely with children and talk to them about fire danger.” It hints that you to be careful cuz, you know, fires and roasted marshmallows might be hot, and stuff.
After it makes you afraid to even build a fire, the Forest Service then kicks in with some Michelle Obamaisms saying that maybe you’d better do without all that sugar. So, get rid of the chocolate, graham crackers and marshmallows and use fruit instead. Eat a banana or a “thin slice of pineapple,” instead.
Why, gosh, don’t you know it’s healthier than that bad, bad chocolate and marshmallows?
Who needs marshmallows for Marshmallow Day, anyway. As Obama’s nanny-state marshmallow guide happily informs its readers: “You’re still having campfire fun, but the focus is on a healthier evening snack.”
How about this Forest Nannys, take your stupid anti-marshmallow, chocolate hating, graham cracker denouncing guide and stick it in your campfire. I can give you instructions for that if you need it.
First you use a copy of Obamacare as kindling…