The Fart Patrol of California

During the latter 1960’s, Hollywood produced a WWII-themed TV series called The Rat Patrol. Now, the California government is forming the fart patrol. Thanks to California Senate Bill 1383, which was signed into law by Gov. Jerry Brown, “The state’s Air Resources Board can also now regulate bovine flatulence, as long as there are practical ways to reduce the cows’ belching and breaking wind.”

That’s right. The government of California wants to regulate cow farts.

Just how can anyone stop cows from farting?

One wouldn’t be able put a big cork into a cow, because the eventual pressure build-up would send that cork flying into the next county.

Then again, Farmer Brown could keep a few large corks with him in the event that he spotted a prowler on his property. In such a case, he could plug one into Bessie, aim her rear at the prowler and then pull.

Perhaps members of the California Fart Patrol could just reach into the cows and pinch their colons.

That would have the cows asking,

If California politicians want to regulate cow farts, then all that I can say is . . .

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  • yetanotherjohn

    Think of global warming as a religion. You don’t have to believe based on rationality, rather believe based on faith. Once you look at it in that sense does it make sense. Trying to look at it rationally, scientifically doesn’t work.
    p.s. New Zealand had a similar thing a decade ago when they realized their major contribution of green house gases was methane from sheep. I don’t remember what if anything they tried to do about it.

  • Just think of CA as the world’s largest open air insane asylum with the inmates running the show, and you will not go far wrong.

    • Commander_Chico

      What position do you hold? You must be a big BOHICA there.

  • jim_m

    You can’t stop cows from passing gas but you can tax the ownership of cows so punatively that dairy farming or cattle ranching becomes impossible. That is what they will do in cali.

    • LiberalNightmare

      it worked on the coal industry.

  • Paul Hooson It should be fairly simple to add small, but effective, levels of anti-gas medications to the cattle feed. – But, the best hope to clear the air is when compact nuclear fusion reactors are perfected. Unlike nuclear fission which splits atoms producing dangerous and fissionable nuclear waste materials that present safe disposal problems, nuclear fusion uses high voltage electricity to heat atoms such as the long isotope deuterium contained in hydrogen, where 3 to 4 times the energy is produced than a large fission reactor. But, the fusion process can produce heat up to million degrees in the reactor core, where a space shuttle tile ceramic is needed for core construction. A heat exchanger then converts the heat to drive a turbine that produces enough electricity to power 100,000 homes, yet the compact reactor could fit in a pickup truck bed. The cheap electricity produced will eliminate burning coal to produce electricity, help towards the development of all electric automobiles and in other ways reduce air pollution greatly where a few cows farting should quickly cease to be an air quality issue.

    Nuclear fusion is a simple enough science principle that mimics the energy creation process of the Earth’s Sun where hydrogen gases are superheated, forcing the atoms to smash into one another, producing helium gases and great bursts of energy. Building a small fusion reactor at home as a hobby project is fairly simple. A vacuum chamber is built, and a circular electrode is suspended in the reactor core, where a vacuum pump removes all but the trace atoms in the core. A ballast transformer from a neon light system will provide enough high voltage current to heat any trace atoms that exist in the vacuum. A geiger counter will measure radiation output when the reactor is functional. Small amounts of hydrogen can be injected, which should fuse into helium 3 and helium 4 gases, but the reactor should be run for only short demonstration periods because of gamma ray radiation and extreme heat temperatures that could quickly rise to very high levels. A higher quality reactor should only be constructed from high heat resistant ceramics and have better radiation shielding. But, for a home hobby demonstration reactor glass or metal will do.