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Life's painful lessons

I knew if I wrote something and tried to save it for the weekend, something would come up and I'd get to post it early.

Here's hoping the WizKid comes out with, at worst, a cool scar to brag about when he's older. I have a burn from when I was 13 months old that is a fantastic conversational piece.

Anyway...

Learning from the mistakes of others is a wonderful thing. In fact, that sentiment is behind what has to be one of the most quoted phrases in the world: George Santayana’s “those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.” But there are some mistakes that nearly everyone makes once, and almost nobody makes a second time.

Here are a few such errors I have made, and I offer them up in the (probably vain) hopes that others will learn and avoid them.

After applying Ben-Gay or some other similar ointment, wash your hands thoroughly after use. Immediately. Do nothing before washing. Especially do not go to the bathroom.

Farting in the bathtub can be fun. Farting in the shower can be suicidal.

Cat’s paws are faster than your hands. And their claws are sharper than your skin is tough. Choose your games carefully.

Nearly every man will have a certain… um… “unfortunate incident” with a zipper at one point in his life. Nearly no man will have a second.

Living by oneself gives one the opportunity to putter around the house in one’s underwear (or less), and not bother to put on more clothing while doing a variety of activities. Cooking is not one of those activities. Especially when a frying pan is involved.

Dreams that involve going to the bathroom NEVER end well.

Certain things that are cliche's of stupidity become cliche's because they are true. For example, licking metal when it's considerably below freezing has pretty much worn out it's potential for humor.

That’s just a couple that come immediately to mind. Anyone else have any to contribute?

J.


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Comments (8)

Learning from the mistak... (Below threshold)

Learning from the mistakes of others is a wonderful thing.

In my opinion, those who consistently lack the ability to learn from others' mistakes have yet to earn the right to be considered intelligent lifeforms.

I won't go into what that says about people who won't even learn from their own mistakes.

If you're female companion ... (Below threshold)
Rob:

If you're female companion ever asks you if a certain garment she is trying on looks good do not answer. Its a loaded question fraught with danger.

I have found that the best response is a bemused smile, a shake of the head, a kiss on the forehead and an "I love you."

That's assuming, of course, that you're at the "I love you" stage.

As for J.'s notes on the application of certain ointments, let me add this: When applying such ointment to your nether regions you may want to consider wearing some underwear. I once had an unfortunate incident involving a groin injury and a product called "Atomic Balm."

Actually, never use Ben Gay... (Below threshold)

Actually, never use Ben Gay at all when you are tired, as rubbing your eyes can be disasterous.

The Toilet Dream is worse t... (Below threshold)
Robb:

The Toilet Dream is worse than any nightmare; it's your own brain turning on you and humiliating you. And I thought I was the only one who had it. Thanks, Jay, for letting me know I'm not alone!

Never ever ever ever take a... (Below threshold)

Never ever ever ever take a new lady friend with you for a night out with the guys. I learned this at a very young age but I learned it the hard way. Your friends either get mad or they decide to hit on her after the beer fog sets in, and she really doesn't want "to meet your friends" she wants to see what kind of idiot you can be.

To this I can add:... (Below threshold)

To this I can add:

= Never put in your contacts after using Ben-Gay or other ointments. Even after washing your hands several times.

= Never lie on your back and jiggle your 1 year old son over your head after he has eaten. I mean even if he is giggling and really liking it.

= When calling for your wife to come help you after violating the previous rule, be sure to call out with your mouth kept tightly closed.

When changing your sons dia... (Below threshold)
GuyS:

When changing your sons diaper, and his equipment assumes the "ready to fire" position, it is *ok* to duck, if your wife is standing behind you. Especially if she is offering helpful comments like "change him quick, before he wets again". That did stop those "helpful comments". And I regained consiousness not very long after that happened.

Do not attempt to remove th... (Below threshold)
Daniel Day:

Do not attempt to remove the metal ring left on a bottle by the twist-off cap by plunging your Buck knife downward, hoping to catch the point of the knife between the bottle and the ring, while holding the bottle with your other hand.




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