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Weekend Caption Contest™

It's Friday, which means it's time for the Wizbang Weekend Caption Contest™.

Dan Rather


Update: Winners announced. Comments are now closed.


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Comments (181)

Go run this fucker through ... (Below threshold)
Rob:

Go run this fucker through the Xerox 30 times. We're on in 10 minutes.

"Hey, where are my superscr... (Below threshold)

"Hey, where are my superscripts?!?! I want my superscripts!"

FLAG ON THE FIELD! Kevin Ay... (Below threshold)
Paul:

FLAG ON THE FIELD! Kevin Aylward penalized 15 yards for piling on.

We've struck gold, Suzie! ... (Below threshold)
Adam:

We've struck gold, Suzie! Let's sit on it for six weeks till after W. gets his bounce--then we'll let 'em have it!

That “freaky” little red-he... (Below threshold)

That “freaky” little red-headed girl from the Democratic National Convention just confirmed its authenticity.... Let’s nail Bush! Nobody will ever forget this!!! Thank you God!

Depends. The whole box. Fet... (Below threshold)
Patrick:

Depends. The whole box. Fetch now.

This is NOT two ply...get m... (Below threshold)

This is NOT two ply...get me the REAL thing, dammit

This is NOT two ply...get m... (Below threshold)

This is NOT two ply...get me the REAL thing, dammit

"...and this document, Mr. ... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

"...and this document, Mr. Rather, confirmed by our panel of experts (cough cough) confirms that everyone currently active in President Bush's administration was involved in the assassination of President John F. Kennedy."

"um, I don't have my glasse... (Below threshold)

"um, I don't have my glasses with me so I am not sure what it says. But lets run it up the flag pole and see what sticks."

Rather: "These are not the ... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

Rather: "These are not the facts I'm looking for."
Flunky: (in robot monotone) "These are not the facts you're looking for."

Press release. George Bus... (Below threshold)
David:

Press release. George Bush was the ringleader of the Beslan massacre. Don't question it. Just publish.

"Thank you Mr. McAuliffe...... (Below threshold)
Lerxst:

"Thank you Mr. McAuliffe....."

"...and you're absolutely t... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

"...and you're absolutely that our expert, Laurence Simon, confirmed this document?"

"What the hell is 'New Time... (Below threshold)
tony:

"What the hell is 'New Times Roman'? Just gimme the damn sheet!"

Run this baby a couple a do... (Below threshold)
CT:

Run this baby a couple a dozen times through the copier. Its a letter from Nixon, ordering Kerry to Cambodia on Chrsitams-Eve of 1968.

Caption #1: Note to broker:... (Below threshold)

Caption #1: Note to broker: Sell CBS Portfolio NOW!

Caption #2: (whistling quetly under breath)
once I built a railroad, made it run , made it run against time, once I built a railroad, now its gone, brother can you spare a dime....

Caption #3: Dan, its not up to me, the network says you have to go, see they put it on the jumbotron so even you can see it.

Caption #4: Get this reply in the mail right away, it says here if I help this man in nigeria I will come into big money. Boy thats lucky, I lose my job and this sweet offer shows up in my mail. how lucky can you get?

Caption #5: What's this say here, oh blahblahblahblah YOURE FIRED blahblah Love and kisses, Don Hewitt. oh, he's such a kidder that guy...

"Okay, we'll run it, but yo... (Below threshold)
tony:

"Okay, we'll run it, but you swear those f---ers at Wizbang aren't gonna get a hold of this, right?"

Fair and Balanced .... heh ... (Below threshold)
Tom:

Fair and Balanced .... heh heh heh.... they can kiss my ass.

"...and you're absolutely c... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

"...and you're absolutely certain that our expert, Laurence Simon, confirmed this document?"


(maybe Rather should try a do over as well)

Run this baby a couple a do... (Below threshold)
CT:

Run this baby a couple a dozen times through the copier. Its a letter from Nixon, ordering Kerry to Cambodia on Chrsitams-Eve of 1968.

"Well if this is from the <... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

"Well if this is from the Washingtonienne as a source OK. But, we can't really use the codename 'Deep Throat.' So, what can we use...."

"Here's some more SHE ET!"<... (Below threshold)
wolf:

"Here's some more SHE ET!"

Dan, It's Belt OR ... (Below threshold)

Dan,

It's Belt OR Suspenders, not Belt AND Suspenders.

And for the last-freakin-time Dan, Black shoes -Black Socks, White Shoes-White socks.

"Here's some more SHE ET!"<... (Below threshold)
wolf:

"Here's some more SHE ET!"

"In light of the serious al... (Below threshold)
Eric:

"In light of the serious allegations regarding this story, and my participation in it, I humbly submit my resignation to protect the integrity of CBS News. I apologize for making baseless claims on substandard evidence."

Next frame

(Laughing) "Yeah, right! Run this puppy! BWA-HA-HA-HA"

The source was new. I did'... (Below threshold)
Viuort:

The source was new. I did'nt know he worked for FSB. Did we screw antoher guy at the Pentagon for the CIA?

The source was new. I did'... (Below threshold)
Viuort:

The source was new. I did'nt know he worked for FSB. Did we screw antoher guy at the Pentagon for the CIA?

"OK Dan, I'll send it, but ... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

"OK Dan, I'll send it, but to be honest with you, I don't think Shove It will win this weeks Wizbang Weekend Caption Contest."

I've Been Wizbanged<... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

I've Been Wizbanged

[ Didn't win last week, thought I'd give it another shot ;) ]

My ass isn't gonna get fact... (Below threshold)

My ass isn't gonna get fact checked on this, right?

Thanks for the hot tip, President Kerry!

Notice the wary expression as the prey nervously accepts the bait.

"Mr. Rather, I swear it's r... (Below threshold)
G8rGirl:

"Mr. Rather, I swear it's real. Hey, let's shake on it."

"Nice work, kid. As you can see I've made a few notes...plus, didn't I tell you before, (whispers) ix-nay on the 'th'...."

What the hell, run it - I'm... (Below threshold)

What the hell, run it - I'm retiring soon.

Geez thanks, and BTW you lo... (Below threshold)
Hugo:

Geez thanks, and BTW you look good in that 'magic hat' John . . .

I don't have to tell you th... (Below threshold)

I don't have to tell you things are bad. Everybody knows things are bad. It's a depression. Everybody's out of work or scared of losing their job. The dollar buys a nickel's work, banks are going bust, shopkeepers keep a gun under the counter. Punks are running wild in the street and there's nobody anywhere who seems to know what to do, and there's no end to it. We know the air is unfit to breathe and our food is unfit to eat, and we sit watching our TV's while some local newscaster tells us that today we had fifteen homicides and sixty-three violent crimes, as if that's the way it's supposed to be. We know things are bad - worse than bad. They're crazy. It's like everything everywhere is going crazy, so we don't go out anymore. We sit in the house, and slowly the world we are living in is getting smaller, and all we say is, "Please, at least leave us alone in our living rooms. Let me have my toaster and my TV and my steel-belted radials and I won't say anything. Just leave us alone." Well, I'm not gonna leave you alone. I want you to get mad! I don't want you to protest. I don't want you to riot - I don't want you to write to your congressman because I wouldn't know what to tell you to write. I don't know what to do about the depression and the inflation and the Russians and the crime in the street. All I know is that first you've got to get mad.

(Points awarded for originality: zero. But I'm leading the field in the length competition!)

This just came through the ... (Below threshold)

This just came through the fax Mr. Rather, a memo detailing John Kerry's Vietnam service was Republican deception masterminded by Karl Rove

Who is this Clinton Portis ... (Below threshold)

Who is this Clinton Portis guy anyway?

Is this spell checked?... (Below threshold)
Dean Satterlee:

Is this spell checked?

"Why me?""Because ... (Below threshold)

"Why me?"

"Because you're on television, dummy."

(Okay, enough with the Network quotes.)

Is that a fact?... (Below threshold)
Skip:

Is that a fact?

Intern: "But Mr. Rather, I ... (Below threshold)
MATT:

Intern: "But Mr. Rather, I was just goofing around when I created that last night. I don't think it will stand up to scrut--"

Rather: "--Kid, I don't give a goddamn flying monkey shit what YOU think. It's MY JOB to save the world from those evil dickheads in the White House!

Now fuck off."

Producer: Dan, heres a joke... (Below threshold)

Producer: Dan, heres a joke for ya, ready?
Dan: uh, yeah go for it.
Producer: Knock, knock...
Dan: uh, who's here?
Producer: Not you. Now clear out your desk, you hack.

"You do realize there's sti... (Below threshold)

"You do realize there's still a ketchup stain on this thing, don't you?"

"And so help me god, if you... (Below threshold)
tony:

"And so help me god, if you forget the side of mayo this time, you'll never work in television again!"

No, I won't let you take th... (Below threshold)

No, I won't let you take this downstairs to Bloggers' Row so they can fact-check it before we run it.

Looks like we're going to h... (Below threshold)

Looks like we're going to have to run the one that says, "FRAUD AT POLLS."

Yeah, I'm running the "Bush... (Below threshold)

Yeah, I'm running the "Bush is an alien from the Andromeda galaxy" story. I confirmed it with Jayson Blair.

Now John, did you spell "<b... (Below threshold)
Dave:

Now John, did you spell "Killian" with 2 "L's" this time?

"Get this copy of Bush's ho... (Below threshold)

"Get this copy of Bush's honorable discharge to my expert for review pronto."

"Fax this immediately, and ... (Below threshold)
tony:

"Fax this immediately, and lets see if we can get Bush off the ballot in Florida, too."

"Here. And don't forget to ... (Below threshold)

"Here. And don't forget to enclose my check to the Elect Kerry for President campaign."

"Oh God, I told you years a... (Below threshold)

"Oh God, I told you years ago I don't know what the frequency is, and my name is not Kenneth"

The Jabba the Hut larval st... (Below threshold)

The Jabba the Hut larval stage.

Fold it until it is all sha... (Below threshold)

Fold it until it is all sharp corners? Why?

"What do you mean you'd rat... (Below threshold)

"What do you mean you'd rather not present this? Is that supposed to be funny?"

"Here's a prinout of the bo... (Below threshold)

"Here's a prinout of the boat I'm having built. Cronkite says these guys build good ships."

"Do you know who I am?"<br ... (Below threshold)

"Do you know who I am?"

"Be sure to spell his name ... (Below threshold)

"Be sure to spell his name right on the credits: Muhammed Saeed al-Sahaf. Two Es in Saeed."

"What do you mean, 'Talk to... (Below threshold)

"What do you mean, 'Talk to the hand?'"

Shouldn't this be pink???</... (Below threshold)
ginabina:

Shouldn't this be pink???

Ahhh yoodie yooodie yoddie.... (Below threshold)
Greg:

Ahhh yoodie yooodie yoddie... dahhhh you want me to read this too boss do ya do ya?
I love my boss he is my best friend.

"Do you think Walter Cronki... (Below threshold)

"Do you think Walter Cronkite will mind if I use his line, "This war is on longer winnable," to lead tonight?"

And this time uncheck the s... (Below threshold)
K:

And this time uncheck the superscript option ya dumbass….. And call Evan Thomas over at Newsweek and tell him to add a couple more points for the Kerry/Edwards team in his estimates

Jayson, are you sure... (Below threshold)

Jayson, are you sure this'll work?

"Dan-o, how 'bout this one?... (Below threshold)
francus:

"Dan-o, how 'bout this one? It's in Arial Black so it makes a bolder statement."

Umm...Mr. Rather…Sir…Are yo... (Below threshold)
K:

Umm...Mr. Rather…Sir…Are you sure you don't want to go with the low-carb menu today…the cameraman has been noting that it's getting harder and harder to fit your whole body along with your EGO on camera…..

I've fallen and I can't get... (Below threshold)
chris:

I've fallen and I can't get up!

Fake a letter, Maria.... (Below threshold)
Paul Zrimsek:

Fake a letter, Maria.

"This just in: new, I mean ... (Below threshold)

"This just in: new, I mean newly discovered, documents proving that George Bush did not show up for Al-Qaeda's 747 flight training."

I told you guys never to hi... (Below threshold)
joe cioni:

I told you guys never to hire someone who used to work for FOX news.

This just handed to me....w... (Below threshold)
Guido:

This just handed to me....with just over 7 weeks left before the polls close on the west coast, CBS exit polling can definitively project that John Kerry has won Florida and its 27 electoral votes...WOO HOO!
I guess all of those hurricanes conjured Karl Rove wasn't enough to steal the state, this time.

DAN: Get this down to an i... (Below threshold)
So It Begins:

DAN: Get this down to an intern immediately to retype so that I can read it.

LACKY: Uh, we don't have access to the network here.

DAN: What the f***! I don't have time for this... You're going to have to log-on my account. Username, God. Password, 3-4-5-6-7.

LACKY: Right! 3-4-5-6-7. Hey, nobody would EVER guess a genius like you would have such a simple password. That's GENIUS!

DAN: Its my P.O. Box#, you idiot!

LATER IN THE BASEMENT OF MADISON SQUARE GARDEN...

INTERN: Hey, we need an address for this.

LACKY: Uh, P.O. Box 34567.

Damn it…..This will never p... (Below threshold)
K:

Damn it…..This will never pass the New Media smell test…Do it over…Do I have to do everything myself around here myself…and by the way…get a hold of that Buckhead person over at that Freeper place and see if he is willing to work for the other side…..have him name his price

"Mr. Rather? Mr. D-A-N Rat... (Below threshold)
Matt:

"Mr. Rather? Mr. D-A-N Rather?"

"Yes?"

"Can you take this sir?"

"W-What is it?"

"You've been subpoena'd!"

"Shit... how'd you get in here?!"

What's this "Blog" thing? ... (Below threshold)

What's this "Blog" thing? Is that a typo?

"You see this sheet of pape... (Below threshold)

"You see this sheet of paper, son? Watch your hand, now! A man could get a hell of a papercut if he's not...careful. Now, what did you just ask me about my new memo?"

They don't look old enough... (Below threshold)
Rich:

They don't look old enough damnit! I want more speckles!MORE SPECKLES!

How come there is no mentio... (Below threshold)
K:

How come there is no mention that John Kerry served in Viet Nam in this story? And Halliburton? Tax cuts for the rich? How many times do I have to tell you people.

Huh? This is my resignation... (Below threshold)
Diogenes:

Huh? This is my resignation letter from when?

"Quick Mr. Rather, give me ... (Below threshold)
NF:

"Quick Mr. Rather, give me the new memo. We're going to send it back to 1972 in the time machine! If Nixon has resigned, you'll know we failed."

Alternative caption:

"You want the CYA memo? Here's my CYA memo!"

And a not actually original dialogue, so it isn't an entry, but just seemed too good to pass up.

CBS executive: I want the truth!
Dan Rather: You can't handle the truth!

I suppose you could substitute "memo," but it is somewhat nonsensical then.

WHAT? You think there's som... (Below threshold)

WHAT? You think there's someone with the cajones to contadict me.

Clippie is everywhere!!... (Below threshold)
Jack Kramer:

Clippie is everywhere!!

http://bigslicknews.com/

Must...have...more....clippie....spoofs...

DAN: Fax this over to the ... (Below threshold)
So It Begins:

DAN: Fax this over to the White House right away. I want to give them an opporunity to refute it.

PRODUCER: We already did that.

DAN: What? When?

PRODUCER: 6 weeks ago.

DAN: What did they say?

PRODUCER: They double dared us to run with the story.

DAN: Double dared, huh? Dan Rather is not a chickenhawk - I don't run from challenges. (pause) That's it - cut into Frances coverage with a "CBS SPECIAL REPORT"! We're going live with this now.

Thanks for the tip Mr. McAu... (Below threshold)
Phil Dayton:

Thanks for the tip Mr. McAuliffe. If someone else had given me this memo from the 1970s I might not have believed that it was authentic.

Rather: Take this and have ... (Below threshold)

Rather: Take this and have it analyzed for authenticity

Assistant: Is it another memo on Bush's TANG service?

Rather: No, but it says I saved a lot of money on my car insurance by switching to GEICO . . .

I don't give a Shit what Le... (Below threshold)

I don't give a Shit what Les Moonves say's, I'm in charge of this Fucking network not him... NOW RUN IT!

(With apologies to "My Favo... (Below threshold)
Chrees:

(With apologies to "My Favorite Year")

What do I look like, a journalist? I'm a star!

"Yes sir, Mr. Rather, right... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

"Yes sir, Mr. Rather, right away. This time I'll transcribe it to sanskrit in soft clay, then the Blogheads will be sure to think its a US military document, circa 1973."

Will you deliver this to th... (Below threshold)
Dori:

Will you deliver this to the little blonde over there? (Dan Rather -- proving one is never too old to pass notes during study hall).

The truth.... the truth<... (Below threshold)
Julie:

The truth.... the truth? If I were interested in the truth son, I wouldn’t be working in network news now would I?

Here, I wrote it down for y... (Below threshold)
Dori:

Here, I wrote it down for you:
Big Mac extra value meal, no onions, no pickles, extra sauce, and a decaf coffee with 1% milk, medium, and 2 pckgs. of salt for the fries.

"This just in sir, McAuli..... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

"This just in sir, McAuli... I mean an undisclosed source, has found the missing Florida 2000 Ballots, Gore wins!"

FACTS? I don't need no sti... (Below threshold)
Scott:

FACTS? I don't need no stinkin' FACTS! Throw this out and give me the one with the stuff I made up!

"Its just a script sir, Mic... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

"Its just a script sir, Michael Moore wants you to star in his new movie, Farfromtruth 101

.....bottom of my parrot ca... (Below threshold)

.....bottom of my parrot cage....NOW.

DETERIORATAGo plac... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

DETERIORATA

Go placidly
Amid the noise and waste.
And remember what comfort there may be
In owning a piece thereof.
Avoid quiet and passive persons
Unless you are in need of sleep.
Ro-tate your tires.
Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself
And heed well their advice,
Even though they be turkeys.
Know what to kiss.....and when!
Consider that two wrongs never make a right
But that THREE.........do.
Wherever possible, put people on hold.
Be comforted that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment
And despite the changing fortunes of time,
There is always a big future in computer main-te-nance.
Remember the Pueblo.
Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle and mu-ti-late. (and sometimes superscript)
Know yourself.
If you need help, call the FBI.
Exercise caution in your daily affairs,
Especially with those persons closest to you.
That lemon on your left, for instance.
Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls
Would scarcely get your feet wet.
Fall not in love therefore;
It will stick to your face.
Gracefully surrender the things of youth:
The birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan
And let not the sands of time
Get in your lunch.
Hire people with hooks.
For a good time call 606-4311;
Ask for "Ken (Jennings)."
Take heart amid the deepening gloom
That your dog is finally getting enough cheese.
And reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot
It could only be worse in Cleveland.
Therefore, make peace with your god
Whatever you conceive him to be---
Hairy thunderer, or cosmic muffin.
With all its hopes, dreams, promises and urban renewal
The world continues to deteriorate.
GIVE UP!

(/big time ripoff, except for a few minor embellishments)

"You'll notice that ... (Below threshold)
Jack in TX:


"You'll notice that I only even LOOK to the left...."

Are you sure this is Charmi... (Below threshold)
K:

Are you sure this is Charmin? Doesn’t feel soft like Charmin…you know how easily I get those nasty rashes down there if it's not Charmin?

Bush said what? That's a ... (Below threshold)
Dori:

Bush said what? That's a quote? Now that it back and fix it -- just make it make sense and hurry, we need to run with it.

How did I get here? This i... (Below threshold)
Dori:

How did I get here? This is not my beautiful wife. . . .

"Sorry for laughing sir, bu... (Below threshold)

"Sorry for laughing sir, but from this angle you really ARE shaped like a pear..."

"See? The shadow of my hand on the piece of paper looks like a puppy dog. Woof! Woof!"

"Oh sure, it's good, but it's not quite 'Michael Moore' good. Can you re-write it to tie in the Saudis somehow?"

Are readers allowed to vote... (Below threshold)
JM Hanes:

Are readers allowed to vote? I'm still laughing over P. Zrimsek's "Fake a letter, Maria" above.

and this time can you type ... (Below threshold)
Henry:

and this time can you type it?

Here you go son, a freshly ... (Below threshold)
John Q.:

Here you go son, a freshly autographed naked picture of... ME!

Les....Do me a favor...fax ... (Below threshold)
K:

Les....Do me a favor...fax my resume over to Drudge...I heard he is hiring.

Fuck the legal department! ... (Below threshold)
tillUrDizzy:

Fuck the legal department! I decide what's news around here.

No, no, no. Type these on b... (Below threshold)
Tom:

No, no, no. Type these on blue paper, it shows up better on TV.

George Crile XVIIXII? No go... (Below threshold)

George Crile XVIIXII? No good. Get me new underwear, looser suspenders and I need the orange frightwig, before I debut as weatherman on GOOD MORNING AMERICA.

Yes, Mr. Redstone, my lette... (Below threshold)

Yes, Mr. Redstone, my letter of resignation is authentic.

“You questioning me? I say... (Below threshold)

“You questioning me? I say it’s authentic. Bush shot Kennedy. Trust me.”

I don't give a damn what th... (Below threshold)
Dori:

I don't give a damn what the figures show, I make more than Peter Jennings.

This CANNOT be the diet my ... (Below threshold)
Dori:

This CANNOT be the diet my doctor prescribed. Call him and have him re-fax it over. Mary-Kate would have this just for a snack.

Dan: "Why does this just s... (Below threshold)

Dan: "Why does this just say RATHER'S ASS?"
Producer: "It's from Les Moonves. It's his lunch order."

(Last one, I promise).... (Below threshold)
Dori:

(Last one, I promise).

You're kidding right? You want me to do a story about a missing dog in Paris? Her name is Paris? What the hell!?! Here. Give it to Mike Wallace -- Mikey will do it, he takes everything.

From a guy on the street, y... (Below threshold)
Joseph Muller:

From a guy on the street, you say? A raving derelict. Well, that's good enough from me.

This is one hell of an impo... (Below threshold)
Mel Ziller:

This is one hell of an important story, and we can't wait for "authentication." Let's run it as our lead tonight: "Found, after 60 years -- Hitler's Blog!"

What do you expect me to do... (Below threshold)
RoLev:

What do you expect me to do with this phony crap?

...

Ju-u-u-u-u-st kidding!!

"Fax from President Bush fo... (Below threshold)
Rube:

"Fax from President Bush for ya, Dan."

"Hmmm...What does that mean, 'Punkd'"?

"How can I be sure this is ... (Below threshold)
Sean:

"How can I be sure this is authentic?"

"Because I just printed it."

... and here's your</... (Below threshold)
RoLev:

... and here's your "CYA" memo to file, Mr. Rather.

Type this up. And double ch... (Below threshold)
Tom Vaughan:

Type this up. And double check my spelling of "Killian", would ya?

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall... (Below threshold)
dook:

Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall......

Just type it like I wrote i... (Below threshold)

Just type it like I wrote it. Its Grp not GOP.

I don't care just turn the automatic spell check off and get it done.

You mean I was wrong?... (Below threshold)
bill:

You mean I was wrong?

"Oh, it is you. I th... (Below threshold)

"Oh, it is you. I thought it was just one of those damn voices inside my head."

"Those are the directors speaking through your earpiece, Dan."

"Sure, that's what they want me to think."

Okay, now prepare a similar... (Below threshold)
RoLev:

Okay, now prepare a similar memo from a deceased document expert attesting to the authenticity of this first memo.

"I can tell by my journalis... (Below threshold)

"I can tell by my journalistic feel that this paper was manufactured between March 15th and March 29th by Weyerhauser in Georgia from soft pine harvested just over three years ago. And they have a slight oil leak in the rollers. Why are you looking at me like that?"

"Are you going to take my crayons away too?"

"Here you go son. You know... (Below threshold)

"Here you go son. You know, the fact that I held this piece of paper is probably enough to get you through college."

The wrong memo, in the wrong time, in the wrong place.

"Uh, by the way, Dan... Cou... (Below threshold)
mojo:

"Uh, by the way, Dan... Could you come upstairs and bring everything in your desk?"

Of course they're authentic... (Below threshold)

Of course they're authentic, I got them from Pierre Salinger.

Memo to Dan:The ri... (Below threshold)
Steve Cormier:

Memo to Dan:

The ring has been thrown into Mount Doom by the bloggers, and the great eye is coming down.

Rumple this and the other p... (Below threshold)

Rumple this and the other papers up right now and shove 'em up Berger's ass and get him THE HELL OUTTA the building..we gotta commercial gogogogo

"...No you asshole thats no... (Below threshold)
Hunter:

"...No you asshole thats not a flag behind my head commenting on the state of my brain...."

"...Ok....we'll run with it...but you tell MCauliffe that I get wall to wall first person interviews for the next four years..."

"Copy this until its barely readable and run it....then bring me that moon wookie from Whizbang so we can have a lip party...."

"Get Mr. Magoo and Ray Char... (Below threshold)

"Get Mr. Magoo and Ray Charles on the line - we got document verification to do!"

Thanks, Clippy!! ... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

Thanks, Clippy!!

Here's the copy of John Ker... (Below threshold)
D Carter:

Here's the copy of John Kerry's citation for the Medal of Honor. Did I spell kourage right?

Go back and tweak this one ... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

Go back and tweak this one a little bit, will ya? I can tell it's got Sandy Berger's dribblin's on this copy......

"Berger's pants, huh? I gue... (Below threshold)

"Berger's pants, huh? I guess that brown spot explains why they call this a "smear" campaign."

This looks great Baghdad Bo... (Below threshold)
M. Delgado:

This looks great Baghdad Bob! I particularly like the CYA angle. You're really fitting in quite nicely. Do me another quickie and run down to the deli and get me a ham and swiss on wheat. And tell them to make sure I don't get a limp pickle this time.

Yeah, so, I've put on a few... (Below threshold)

Yeah, so, I've put on a few pounds...so?

I'm in shape, pear is a shape.

No...Michale Moore is the fat guy in BAD clothes, and I'm not going to shake your hand either.

"Now, son, I like you and I... (Below threshold)

"Now, son, I like you and I think you'll go far at this network. But you really have to get with the program and understand where we're coming from...we don't use real documents 'round here."

"Here's the frequency. Dist... (Below threshold)

"Here's the frequency. Distribute it to everyone but Kenneth."

Call John Edwards. I need a... (Below threshold)
Ken Hahn:

Call John Edwards. I need a lawyer.

Oh, and I like your new sui... (Below threshold)
Ron Hardin:

Oh, and I like your new suit of clothes, Mr. Rather.

Let's win one for the Flipp... (Below threshold)

Let's win one for the Flipper.

Is "sugar coat" one word or... (Below threshold)

Is "sugar coat" one word or two?

Is "sugar coat" one word or... (Below threshold)

Is "sugar coat" one word or two?

Here's my caption for Wi... (Below threshold)

Here's my caption for Wizbang's WCC...now; where the Hell am I?

...this predicts Miami over FSU in overtime?

Hows this one look?... (Below threshold)
Jeff:

Hows this one look?

"You say this is a 1973 blo... (Below threshold)
RoLev:

"You say this is a 1973 blog posting by Col. Killian that corroborates the memo? Excellent! This should silence our critics once and for all."

"Dammit, you STILL don't ha... (Below threshold)
Jumbo:

"Dammit, you STILL don't have the signature right! "

I do TO get a raise. See? I... (Below threshold)

I do TO get a raise. See? I have a letter from the Network President right here! And here is another on from my doctor that proves I AM Superman. And another on from my wife stating that I go ALL night long with my 18 inch...

Is this authentic Mr Bill?<... (Below threshold)
Jeff:

Is this authentic Mr Bill?

Tell the monks up in the ca... (Below threshold)
Radio:

Tell the monks up in the calligraphy dept. I need more copies, pronto!

Wish Bill Paley would spend a couple of bucks and get us electric typewriters.

This is powerful! Ironclad proof Bush designed both the Pinto & Vega.

Good thing I picked up that IBM Selectrics for Dummies book the other week.

Quick. Get this to Wm. Randolph Hearst for fact checking.

Tell that Gutenburg guy to get the superscript right this time.

I knew that outsourced Cambodian printshop with all that fancy equipment would pay off for John and I eventually. Those stupid bloggers aren't the only folks who wear pajamas!!

Have Marcel check the authenticity of Les Moonves' signature on this severance check.

Fresh from my butt: More st... (Below threshold)

Fresh from my butt: More steamy allegations. I'm no brownshirt. (My pants are another story.)

This story is going to boos... (Below threshold)

This story is going to boost my career, get Kerry elected, and destroy the Vast Right Wing Conspiracy. Or not.

- - - - - -

Fox News: We report. You decide.

CBS News: We report. You spend less than 15 minutes on Google exposing us as the lazy, dishonest partisan hacks we really are.

Retype this on a Smith-Coro... (Below threshold)
Jack Rudd:

Retype this on a Smith-Corona, please.

OK, you caught me making up... (Below threshold)
Mike:

OK, you caught me making up this one you sneak, but all the rest is gospel. If a frog had side pockets, he'd carry a hand gun. Trust me.

Rather: Are you sure Bush i... (Below threshold)
Jeff:

Rather: Are you sure Bush is steering Hurricanes into Democratic sctions of Florida?
Lacky: It' all in this memo from Al Gore.
Rather: We lead with this.

"God Dammit, I'm in charge,... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

"God Dammit, I'm in charge, now take this li.. I mean manuscript and push it, and stop calling me Sisyphus."

"Now that is comes to mind ... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

"Now that is comes to mind the network was thinking more along the line of a long sabbatical rather than a short recess.

"To err is human but to rea... (Below threshold)
K:

"To err is human but to really foul up requires a computer." Author: Dan Rather
Did I really write that? Do me a favor....Give it a run thru Word for me......See if spellchecker can change computer to pooter.
To err is human but to really foul up requires a pooter...
yeah....thats the ticket....

Hurry you have 62 minutes t... (Below threshold)
Jeff:

Hurry you have 62 minutes to sugarcoat this!

"Here, let's run with this,... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

"Here, let's run with this, its an authentic email from Barbara Bush, to Dubya's grade school teachers, saying he'll never amount to much."

Hey, I think I've got his s... (Below threshold)

Hey, I think I've got his signature down. How's it look?

"Tell Kerry that I want a p... (Below threshold)

"Tell Kerry that I want a pair of hookers so thin that I oughtta be able to fax tham back when I'm done with them."

"Uh, Mr. Rather, this Natio... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

"Uh, Mr. Rather, this National Guard document is not really authentic."
"That's OK, I'm not really Dan Rather."
(ripping off false face mask, revealing Bob Uecker)

Quote from the MC at Dan Ra... (Below threshold)
OhioanForBush:

Quote from the MC at Dan Rather's retirement party later this month:

"...Here we see Dan as he submits a request for the CBS "Eye for an Eye" Purple Heart. Dan went on to win that award after it was determined the wound was self-inflicted.


[For those missing the pun...the CBS logo is an eye.]

"Yes, I know this document ... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

"Yes, I know this document looks like information that is extremely damaging to Dubya and the RNC, and Yes, I know that looks like Ronald Reagan's signature. Just do as I say and slip this onto Terry McAuliffe's desk. I'm gonna get even with that F**ker."

"God, I love the smell of t... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

"God, I love the smell of toner in the morning...
It smells like Victory."

"Oh, Mr. Rather, I caught a... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

"Oh, Mr. Rather, I caught a mistake on this letter to Kerry and McAuliffe. You signed this letter with your own signature by mistake."
"No, I meant to sign this one."
"Did you know that astute is really spelled A-S-T-U-T-E."
"Yes, I did, I really did mean to call those two a couple of Ass Toots"

Yikes! Breaking news about... (Below threshold)
Radio:

Yikes! Breaking news about a huge cloud in N Korea! Where's Kerry been? This looks suspiciously like his M.O. Call Mrs Fields Cookies and verify with Rassmann; he and Kerry get along swimmingly. We don't wanna alarm folks needlessly if he's just been fragging rice piles again.

Would ya look at this? Ram... (Below threshold)
Radio:

Would ya look at this? Ramsey Clark is gonna represent Kerry and Fonda at their treason trial. Wonder if he handles libel and forgery cases, too?

Let's put lipstick on this ... (Below threshold)

Let's put lipstick on this pig. Roll camera.

What a scoop this is! I co... (Below threshold)
Radio:

What a scoop this is! I could get promoted from Anchor (jg). Its Kerry's secret Iraq plan; pure genius! Gonna establish a special medal; 3 microscopic nicks shaving beard or legs equals a trip home; will have the all troops home for the Super Bowl.

I checked and there is not... (Below threshold)
Rich:

I checked and there is nothing in my contract that forbids me from wearing a mini version of the RNC screen attached to my head for a fee.

See? BS!... (Below threshold)

See? BS!

60 minutes: more than just ... (Below threshold)

60 minutes: more than just the name of the newsmagazine, it's out fact check time limit.

Here, feel this memo. Now, ... (Below threshold)

Here, feel this memo. Now, doesn't that just FEEEEL authentic? What more proof could anybody need?

Offscreen: "Wassup, Dan?"<b... (Below threshold)

Offscreen: "Wassup, Dan?"
Dan: "Word!"

Update: <a href="htt... (Below threshold)

Update: Winners announced. Comments are now closed.




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