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Weekend Caption Contest™

It's Friday, that means it's time for the Wizbang Weekend Caption Contest™. Here's the photo for this week:

(Brian Snyder/Reuters)


Update: Winners announced. Comments are now closed.


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Comments (165)

I know they say I should sm... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

I know they say I should smile more, but how do I fit that cow Lewinsky under the podium anyway?

How come my bunghole is puc... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

How come my bunghole is puckered up so much right now, when I had no trouble defecating on these folks 33 years ago?

And THIS, my friends, is th... (Below threshold)
Frank:

And THIS, my friends, is the hand I used to shoot that gook in the back.

"On this hand I was for the... (Below threshold)
Fritz:

"On this hand I was for the war. On the other hand I was against the war."

and as you can see from the... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

and as you can see from the diagram on the white board, when you sign up 5 distributors, you'll get a bonus satchel of rice and free soap for 1 year

Damn, where's my integrity!... (Below threshold)
andy:

Damn, where's my integrity! Terry! Have you seen it anywhere?

easy enough, which position... (Below threshold)
Kerry:

easy enough, which position do you want to hear?

Now come up here and smell ... (Below threshold)
Crass:

Now come up here and smell my fingers and tell me if you think TUH-RAY-ZUH's pussy needs fixing.

Drink-up, my friends. The ... (Below threshold)

Drink-up, my friends. The Kool-Aid is cold and refreshing.

I wish Teresa would take th... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

I wish Teresa would take the butt plug out before my speeches.....

Greetings Draft Dodgers!<br... (Below threshold)
chris:

Greetings Draft Dodgers!

and so, I found that by usi... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

and so, I found that by using this throwing motion, I was able to get the medals over the fence without aggravating the shrapnel in my buttocks

With this hand, I will lite... (Below threshold)

With this hand, I will literally, figuratively and gleefully shove it, in its entirety, in the collective nation's, world's and yes you, the voter's, orifice of my choice, when I become commander-in-chief.

Ladies and Gentlemen, behol... (Below threshold)
GoBowsGo:

Ladies and Gentlemen, behold the wonder of the Magic Hat...

"To be or not to be, I stil... (Below threshold)
KBiel:

"To be or not to be, I still can't make up my mind."

"Like she's never soared be... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

"Like she's never soared before, from rocky coast to golden shore, let the mighty eagle soar,"

oO(damn, I'll do anything to be President!)

I command you service avoid... (Below threshold)

I command you service avoiders to stand and applaud!

And here's the karate death... (Below threshold)

And here's the karate death-chop I used on that kid in Vietnam...

"Come to Butthead."... (Below threshold)
napalmsandwich:

"Come to Butthead."

I'm too sexy for my hand.</... (Below threshold)
Chris W.:

I'm too sexy for my hand.

Kerry tosses 3 medals away ... (Below threshold)
daniel:

Kerry tosses 3 medals away for old times sake...

Kerry tossed 3 medals away ... (Below threshold)
daniel:

Kerry tossed 3 medals away for old times sake...

Kerry tossed 3 medals away ... (Below threshold)
daniel:

Kerry tossed 3 medals away for old times sake...

To delegates - These aren't... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

To delegates - These aren't the Naval records you're looking for.

Delegates - These aren't the Naval records we're looking for.

Throw down your crutches... (Below threshold)

Throw down your crutches and blog!

"Will the veterans leaving ... (Below threshold)

"Will the veterans leaving early please use the exit to the right of the auditorium... I mean the left of the auditorium... no, use the exit to the right... no the left...."

Sing to House of Pain's Jum... (Below threshold)

Sing to House of Pain's Jump Around...

Let me begin
I came not to win
Battle me that's a sin
I won't tear the chads up
Swifties better back up
Try and play the role and James Carville will act up
Get up, stand up, come on!
Come on, throw your hands up
If you've got the feeling jump across the ceiling
CBS is a funk fest, Rather's talking junk
Yo, I'll bust em in the eye
And then I'll take the memos home
Feel it, funk it
Amps it are junking
And I got more rhymes than Michael Moore's at a dunking Donuts shop
Sure 'nuff I got props from the Dems on the Hill
Plus my mom and my pops

[Chorus]

I came to get down [2x]
So get out your vote and jump around
Jump around [3x]
Jump up Jump up and get down.
Jump [18x]

I'll serve your butt like John MacEnroe
If Hillary steps up, I'm smacking the ho
Word to Osama I won't drop bombs
I got more positions than the bible's got psalms
And just like the Prodigal Son I've returned
Anyone stepping to me you'll get burned
Cause I got ribbons and you ain't got none
So if you come to battle (don't) bring a shotgun...

...and that is why I must d... (Below threshold)

...and that is why I must denounce you all for betraying your country by serving in the National Guard. Can't you ingrates give me just one standing ovation?

Kneel before Zod!... (Below threshold)
Chris W.:

Kneel before Zod!

(waving hand side to side) ... (Below threshold)
Jmaster:

(waving hand side to side)

“The question, has been asked, by philosophers, and poets, from time, immemorial, to the time, of Genghis Khan, and on, and on, through the ages: What is the sound, of one hand, clapping? And now, my fellow soldiers, I am, truly blessed, to finally, finally, realize, and fully appreciate, here today, the answer, to this timeless, yet still relevant, question. The sound, of one hand, clapping, is the very sound, of the applause, which you, my brothers, in arms, are so graciously, and warmly, showering upon me, this day.”

I was in the Regular Nav... (Below threshold)

I was in the Regular Navy and I love pogey bait!

"Ladies and gentlemen, I gi... (Below threshold)

"Ladies and gentlemen, I give you "Little Me" John Edwards"

Please welcome my special g... (Below threshold)
Chris W.:

Please welcome my special guest, Jane Fonda.

The best thing that has ... (Below threshold)

The best thing that has ever happened to me while having seamen run down my leg; was to be Wizbanged!

You there! Surely you never... (Below threshold)
francus:

You there! Surely you never missed your physical!

Everyone thinks I'm high an... (Below threshold)
Chris W.:

Everyone thinks I'm high and I am.

You there! Surely you never... (Below threshold)
francus:

You there! Surely you never missed your physical!

It is impossible to describ... (Below threshold)
Chris W.:

It is impossible to describe to you exactly what did happen in Detroit - the emotions in the room and the feelings of the men who were reliving their experiences in Vietnam. They relived the absolute horror of what this country, in a sense, made them do. They told stories that at times they had personally raped, cut off ears, cut off heads, taped wires from portable telephones to human genitals and turned up the power, cut off limbs, blown up bodies, randomly shot at civilians, razed villages in fashion reminiscent of Ghengis Khan, shot cattle and dogs for fun, poisoned food stocks, and generally ravaged the countryside of South Vietnam in addition to the normal ravage of war and the normal and very particular ravaging which is done by the applied bombing power of this country.

(in mid slap to the forehea... (Below threshold)
Jmaster:

(in mid slap to the forehead, after drinking the kool aid)

“Wow! I could have had a V-8!”

"How do you ask a man to be... (Below threshold)
Matt:

"How do you ask a man to be the last man to die for a mistake -- whoops, wrong speech... My bad."


God, I loath the military</... (Below threshold)

God, I loath the military

Bueller? Bueller?... (Below threshold)
Matt:

Bueller? Bueller?

...and it was with this ver... (Below threshold)
Just a John:

...and it was with this very hand that I stink-palmed Howard Dean.

If you will turn your atten... (Below threshold)
JRC0439:

If you will turn your attention to the back of the room, you will see my campaign staff, drunk on the Kool-Aid of stolen elections, sneaking out the backdoor in hopes of missing this most disappointing speech I am about to make….Let’s give them a big hand!

"The Democratic Party shoul... (Below threshold)

"The Democratic Party should not become a constable of public opinion, but must dominate it. It must not become a servant of the masses, but their master!"

*paraphrased quote from a. hitler

... and I would like to wel... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

... and I would like to welcome our special guest today, General Vo Nguyen Giap.... please give him a round of applause

"Sure... A couple more bott... (Below threshold)
Larry:

"Sure... A couple more bottles of that '88 Vouray would be great."

from my cold dead hands!!</... (Below threshold)

from my cold dead hands!!

do they know how hard it is... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

do they know how hard it is to keep a stone face and NOT yell at them like Howard Dean??

oO(wonders if that AP guy o... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

oO(wonders if that AP guy over there got the check Cahill sent over yesterday. He'd better say these unimportant people applauded me......)

Having melted away in the p... (Below threshold)
OhioanForBush:

Having melted away in the polls, Kerry campaign workers find a quick stand-in from Madame Tussaud.

From the 2004 New Year's Ev... (Below threshold)

From the 2004 New Year's Eve Whitehouse party...

"No, after you Mr. President."

Let's hear it for my wife, ... (Below threshold)

Let's hear it for my wife, Teresa, who has promised to loan me my balls back for tonight's speech.

In a moment of honesty, Ker... (Below threshold)
OhianForBush:

In a moment of honesty, Kerry likened his reception to the sound of one hand clapping.

Yes, I'm tell you it's the ... (Below threshold)
Mark:

Yes, I'm tell you it's the right wing conspiracy. You know were I stand.

All those who went to Cambo... (Below threshold)
Rulen:

All those who went to Cambodia with me, please stand up

All those who went to Cambo... (Below threshold)
Rulen:

All those who went to Cambodia with me, please stand up

"All you have to fear ... i... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

"All you have to fear ... is me."

Thirty years ago, when I se... (Below threshold)

Thirty years ago, when I served in Vietnam, this nation had a great moment of conscience...

... only 50 percent of National Guardsmen are finishing high school and only 18 percent are graduating college...

... millions of National Guardsmen went without healthcare coverage...

The president, who turns away from National Guardsmen needs…who scorns economic justice and affirmative action…who traffics in the politics of division – and then claims he is a friend of National Guardsmen can not conceal his identity no matter what clothes he wears...

As President I will send an ambassador to the National Guards and build a new “Community of the Militaries”...

/snip /snip /snip

or Senior citizens or
Hispanics or Blacks

So, the frog says to the fa... (Below threshold)
Justabranch:

So, the frog says to the farmer...Oh no, wait that's not right...So, the frog says to the priest...No, no, no, it wasn't a frog...hello? Is this thing on?...Oh, okay...So, the leprechaun says to the farmer...

This...this is my right han... (Below threshold)

This...this is my right hand...and it has no idea what my left hand is doing.

"And I would like to thank ... (Below threshold)

"And I would like to thank Dr. Herbert West, without whose reagent I would not be here today."

REVISION TO ABOVE POST (rea... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

REVISION TO ABOVE POST (realized I left something out! My bad.)

To delegates - These aren't the Kerry Naval records you're looking for.

Delegates - These aren't the Kerry Naval records we're looking for.

Lets see here....P... (Below threshold)
Jmaster:

Lets see here....

PLACE: LAS VEGAS
AUDIENCE: NATIONAL GUARD
POINTS: BUSH BAD, BUSH LIED,KERRY GOOD, KERRY SOLDIER

Damn! The notes Terayza wrote on my hand are starting to smear! I’m going to have to wing it…..

AP - Las Vegas: He... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

AP - Las Vegas:

Here John Kerry is shown giving thunderous applause to the men and women of the National Guard convention today.

"And by simply tucking in t... (Below threshold)
tony:

"And by simply tucking in the ring finger of my right hand - just a little bit - I am prepared to give 'the shocker' to anyone who steps in my way."

What my undisclosed Naval m... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

What my undisclosed Naval medical records say is tha they had to re-attach my right forearm onto my shoulder. It was a bag of BROWN rice...... not white.


(quote courtesy of Al Sharpton....)

...and so this is how Halli... (Below threshold)
keaukina:

...and so this is how Halliburton has used its secret weather-making technology, which President Bush and Vice-President Cheney have concealed from the American people, to create an unusually high number of destructive hurricanes, in order to distract from my impressive record of service in Viet Nam, to drench and flood out my message, to wipe the state of Florida off the map, and steal this election in order that...

Hmmm, this is going well; t... (Below threshold)
htom:

Hmmm, this is going well; they're not throwing things at me yet.

Excerpt from John Kerry add... (Below threshold)
Patrick:

Excerpt from John Kerry addressing a National Guard organization: "Last November during his secret deceitful Thanksgiving trip to the Sunni Triangle, George Bush cut off ears, burned villages, and performed actions upon the people of Iraq most closely associated with Jenjis Kahn. This November, if you elect me, I'll show you how it's REALLY done."

Thank you, ladies and gentl... (Below threshold)

Thank you, ladies and gentlemen of the Army Reserve. I'm proud to be here in Phoenix at your convention. I was in the Navy Reserves as a young man, even in Paris where I fought to end the war on a secret mission. I used strong nuance and innuendo to cow the North Vietnamese into delaying their timetable for overrunning Saigon. Made a coupla business contacts for my cousin, but that's another story....

This? This is a hand. Altho... (Below threshold)
Clay:

This? This is a hand. Although it appears to be attached to my body, I can assure you, it is not my hand. Although it's true that this is a hand, it most certainly is not my hand.

Wow! I've never seen a butt... (Below threshold)
D Carter:

Wow! I've never seen a butt-cheek ovation before.

No, you guessed wrong; my I... (Below threshold)
D Carter:

No, you guessed wrong; my Iraq policy is hidden in my OTHER hand!

So this is my salute to you... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

So this is my salute to you, reporting for duty!

What's cool about this, as I've shown my friends at the democratic underground, is that when I turn my palm downward, it becomes an entirely new salute to you wonder people of the National Guard.

I would like to introduce t... (Below threshold)
K:

I would like to introduce to my right:
My Band of Brothers...
My Band of Document Forgers.....
My Band of Spin Doctors....
My Band of Network Anchors....
My Band of Newspaper Editors......
My Band of CNN Hosts......
My Band of Air National Guard Investigators.....
My Band of Iraq Policy Jugglers....
My Band of Ex-Clinton cabinet members....
cough...cough..dictators)...
My Band of Cambodia friends…..
My Band of Magic Hat club members……

Will someone please ... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

Will someone please tear up that little girls Bush/Cheney sign already??

And, here is photo of Lovey... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

And, here is photo of Lovey and me on one of our yachts... and this one at our mansion in Sun Valley.... really quite elegant I might add.


Now, you were saying about that uncomfortable cot at the VA hospital?

And if you thought I called... (Below threshold)
Havoc:

And if you thought I called you babykillers and war criminals before --

Just wait till I'm President

sorry repost (fat finger)</... (Below threshold)
K:

sorry repost (fat finger)

I would like to introduce to my right:
My Band of Brothers...
My Band of Document Forgers.....
My Band of Spin Doctors....
My Band of Network Anchors....
My Band of Newspaper Editors......
My Band of CNN Hosts......
My Band of Air National Guard Investigators.....
My Band of Iraq Policy Jugglers....
My Band of Ex-Clinton cabinet members....
My Band of Foreign Leader Supporters
cough...cough..Dictators)...
My Band of Cambodia friends…..
My Band of Magic Hat club members……
My Band campaign workers…
My Band of Ex-Kennedy campaign workers..
My Band ex-Clinton campaign workers…
My Band of Botox suppliers...
And last but not least
My Band of TUH-RAY-ZUH handlers….

Behold, the power of cheese... (Below threshold)
Rob:

Behold, the power of cheese.

Bow before my greatness and... (Below threshold)
john:

Bow before my greatness and behold the glory that is me (you fucking peons in pajamas)

"John Edwards, You look mar... (Below threshold)

"John Edwards, You look marvelous."

Marvin, where's my peanut b... (Below threshold)
Andy:

Marvin, where's my peanut butter?

For those of you who don't know about Marvin:

Marvin Nicholson Jr., Chief of Stuff

"I can't help with policy, I don't do press," said Nicholson, 32, a former bartender and caddie who never voted before meeting Kerry in 1998. "When he wants that peanut butter and jelly sandwich, I'm ready."

So Nicholson crisscrosses the country with a loaf of bread in his bag. He makes most of the sandwiches himself, sometimes supplementing them with room service.

No, No idiot...I thr... (Below threshold)
Kerry:


No, No idiot...I threw my medals with my left hand and the ribbons with my right....

John Kerry, cast as Herman ... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

John Kerry, cast as Herman Munster, motions to the crowd at the press conference announcing the remaking of the 1960's television show 'The Munsters'.

"...and so when it comes ti... (Below threshold)

"...and so when it comes time for me to tell America what I plan to do as President, I will make this nuanced shrugging gesture, which did amazingly well with the focus groups..."

I can't believe I actually ... (Below threshold)
Andy:

I can't believe I actually shook hands with these peons. Quick, where's the Purell?

"Anyone here who knows who ... (Below threshold)

"Anyone here who knows who I am, please raise your hand. Yes, you in the National Guard uniform?"

"Anyone here who knows who ... (Below threshold)

"Anyone here who knows who I am, please raise your hand. Yes, you in the National Guard uniform?"

"You National Guard guys lo... (Below threshold)
keaukina:

"You National Guard guys look like you have as much energy as a bunch of bananas. That's just WRONG..."

Now look my wife did say th... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

Now look my wife did say they should run around naked after the hurricane, but don't your spouses get freaky from time to time?

* "I actually voted for the... (Below threshold)

* "I actually voted for the memos, before I voted against them."

* "And now, I'd like for you all to give a round of applause to my Secret Service detail, except for the son of a bitch who knocked me down of course."

* "And in the debates, I'm going to bitchslap George W. Bush just like this. He'll never see it coming."

"See this hand? See the lit... (Below threshold)

"See this hand? See the little white spot there, on my thumb? Yeah, that's a war wound. I hear Bush hasn't got any of these..."

"And I promise you this: w... (Below threshold)
-S-:

"And I promise you this: when I am elected President, the National Guard will be proud to be known as the 'People's Marchers' and all this senseless, spinning and misleading information about "guards" and even "national" will be a thing of the past."

How about a small donation,... (Below threshold)
stan25:

How about a small donation, $1million would be nice.

I actually supported the Gu... (Below threshold)

I actually supported the Guard... before I called you a bunch of draft-dodging pussies.

"I will never make any judg... (Below threshold)

"I will never make any judgments about any choice you people make about avoiding the draft, about going to Canada, going to jail, being a conscientious objector, going into the National Guard. Those are choices you make."

[LINK]

"Which hand do I wipe myse... (Below threshold)
Rich:

"Which hand do I wipe myself with?" "Well I used this one before I started using the oth...OK OK you got me.It's that old joke isn't it?"."Yes I DO use toilet paper!"

Kenneth, what IS the freque... (Below threshold)
TJP:

Kenneth, what IS the frequency?

Teresa! Can I please have m... (Below threshold)
TJP:

Teresa! Can I please have my allowance now?

You can fool some of the pe... (Below threshold)
TJP:

You can fool some of the people all of the time.
You can fool all of the peopple some of the time,
but how do you fool those damn swiftees?

Ladies and Gentlemen, MY...... (Below threshold)

Ladies and Gentlemen, MY...NAKED...WIFE!!!

inner thoughts " shit this ... (Below threshold)

inner thoughts " shit this is the national guard and i have been trashing them as wussy's that their daddy's got them into to avoid real combat like I went to , I wonder if they know I was in Viet Nam.. Damn it I going to fire the guy who set this speech up, beacuse later today I have to call Bush a sissy draft dodger because of those stupid swift boat guys... I hope Theresa isn't talking to the media... wish I was windsurfing"

"Sure I have a cam... (Below threshold)
Rich:


"Sure I have a campaign song" "Listen up".

"You put your right hand in,you put your right hand out,you do the flippy floppy and you shake it all arouund,that's what it's all about!"

Ladies and gentlemen, I com... (Below threshold)
Darby:

Ladies and gentlemen, I come to give to you with this hand. Unfortunately, tommorrow I will have to take from you with the other.

I'm the wrong candidate, in... (Below threshold)
Dean Satterlee:

I'm the wrong candidate, in the wrong place at the wrong time!

"... and so there I was, do... (Below threshold)
Swede:

"... and so there I was, downtown Phnom Penh, with a butt full of rice and nothing but my magic hat between me and a hundred of Pol Pot's finest".

You rang?... (Below threshold)
kev:

You rang?

Not Shown: John Edwards mo... (Below threshold)

Not Shown: John Edwards moving in from the front for yet another televised embrace.

"When you are married to a ... (Below threshold)

"When you are married to a woman like Tarayza, your right hand is your best friend. I've named mine Charlene."

The Vice President got 5 de... (Below threshold)
Nick:

The Vice President got 5 deferments and I served two tours of duty in Vietnam after my 5th deferment was refused. I guess he had a more reasonable request than I did on that last one. Oh! Did I say that? What I meant to say is, I honor your service in the National Guard, unless, of course, you served during Vietnam like the President did.

"My staff says I need to sh... (Below threshold)
Steve:

"My staff says I need to show the smooth and suave side. Okay, here goes."

"Domo Arigato Mr. Roboto, Domo ... Domo ..."

On the one hand, you have p... (Below threshold)

On the one hand, you have people like me who volunteered honorably for active duty service....

Although he has no hope of ... (Below threshold)
Eric Pobirs:

Although he has no hope of winning, Agent Kerry attempts to taunt George 'Neo' Bush into yet another battle.

"It's called an applause br... (Below threshold)

"It's called an applause break. Now lets see that standing ovation...."

I just want to thank Col. S... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

I just want to thank Col. Staudt for his support and help with my career..... along with Mr. Burkett, Mr. Cleland, Ben Barnes and of course, Mr. Rather!

Due to advice from Zell Mil... (Below threshold)

Due to advice from Zell Miller and my wife, Teresa, you people in the National Guard will all be armed with spitballs AND naked under the Kerry adminstration. But you WILL have water and generators!

"I voted for chicken parmig... (Below threshold)
spud:

"I voted for chicken parmigiana right after I voted for prime rib"

Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr Da... (Below threshold)

Ladies and Gentlemen, Mr Daaaaannnnn Raaaaattthhherr!!!

"Go ahead, pull my finger."... (Below threshold)

"Go ahead, pull my finger."

Ready please, Mr Music!<br ... (Below threshold)

Ready please, Mr Music!
Go west, life is peaceful there....go west, this and more we'll do....go west...(repeat and fade)

Now only this side, nice an... (Below threshold)
Andy:

Now only this side, nice and loud,

"Dan lied,
His ratings died"

"How did I get Dan Rather t... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

"How did I get Dan Rather to do it? I just said come here Dan I want the introduce you to Ken, he has the frequency."

You can fool some of the pe... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

You can fool some of the people some of the time, and
you can jerk the rest off.

You can fool some of the pe... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

You can fool some of the people some of the time, and
you can jerk the rest off.

"I just want to say one thi... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

"I just want to say one thing to the honored members of our Armed Services, here, tonight, ... Semper Fi."

"No, my eyes are not blood ... (Below threshold)
Larry:

"No, my eyes are not blood shot. It's just a reflection from the states' map to my right...its looking redder all the time."

Of course Bob Dole would as... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

Of course Bob Dole would ask me to pull the latest MoveOn ad; my right arm was not injured in battle - see?

Unfortunately, in an ill-fa... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

Unfortunately, in an ill-fated attempt to win more votes and to be seen as 'one of the guys', John started to field every question that came to him. "Yes, this is my dick hand."

What is the sound of one ha... (Below threshold)

What is the sound of one hand undecided?

My fellow Americans, I say ... (Below threshold)

My fellow Americans, I say to you, "Problems worthy of attack prove their worth by attacking back". When I am President I promise to be the biggest problem this country has ever seen. So when Al Queda attacks us again I will attack back with more worth than.... (who the hell wrote this... Fucking Carville). Let me begin again! My fellow Americans....

Oh my gosh, I needed that l... (Below threshold)
BR:

Oh my gosh, I needed that laugh - (this is not my entry) - I'm just applauding the "sound of one hand undecided" above.

Oh my gosh, I needed that l... (Below threshold)
BR:

Oh my gosh, I needed that laugh! (This is not an entry, I'm just applauding the "sound of one hand undecided" above.)

Thank you, thank you I'll b... (Below threshold)

Thank you, thank you I'll be here all week. Try the fish, I heard it's very good. Almost as good as the dover sole I'm used to dining on. And don't forget to tip your waitress! She'll need it more than over once my economic policies are put in place.

Cue John Kerry speech voice... (Below threshold)
ter0:

Cue John Kerry speech voice:

The logo of the National Guard Associaton bears the Motto "We Serve," which while on the one hand was technically true in your case, was actually not true for my opponent.

Where the hell's everyone g... (Below threshold)
Dan:

Where the hell's everyone going? I haven't even started my speech?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I giv... (Below threshold)

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you.......My Ego!

Does anyone have any spare ... (Below threshold)

Does anyone have any spare memo letterhead?

If I am elected, I p... (Below threshold)

If I am elected,
I promise to be a more sensitive sympathizer,
of Al Quaeda,
and to prove it,
I promise,
that I,
will never wipe,
with right hand,
ever again!

And this is the hand that I... (Below threshold)
r.g.w.:

And this is the hand that I shook hangs with the Viet Cong with, during war mind you...and this is the hand I will use to greet all of America's enemies with...and welcome Sean Penn to the White House with...and this is the hand with which I will sign over Americs's right to defend itself to the UN with...and with which I will order Saddam Hussein's release...so lets all stand up an applaud my hand, you cowards, behold my hand, worship and praise my glorious hand..haha, muahaha, MUAHAHAHA!!

"...and for those of you wh... (Below threshold)

"...and for those of you who don't agree with what I stand for, I invite you to talk to..."

And this is the hand that I... (Below threshold)
r.g.w:

And this is the hand that I shook hands with the Viet Cong with, during war mind you...and this is the hand I will use to greet all of America's enemies with...and welcome Sean Penn to the White House with...and this is the hand with which I will sign over Americs's right to defend itself to the UN with...and with which I will order Saddam Hussein's release...so lets all stand up an applaud my hand, you cowards, behold my hand, worship and praise my glorious hand..haha, muahaha, MUAHAHAHA!!

OK, you take the back part ... (Below threshold)
Colonel Angus:

OK, you take the back part of your hand, and in a sharp sweeping motion, you "chop" downward on the carotid.....there isn't a 3 year old in America that can keep their sweaty little palms on one of Dubya's signs when their brain shortwires, screaming for oxygen.

count them 5 different posi... (Below threshold)

count them 5 different positions on the Iraq war, that's how many I have had..

I can you too how to marry ... (Below threshold)

I can you too how to marry a billionare in just five easy steps, all you have to do is vote for me and I'll send you a video at no cost or obligation...

Does anybody here know w... (Below threshold)

Does anybody here know where I can find a good Campaign Advisor?

(As kerry blows a kiss to h... (Below threshold)
Branna:

(As kerry blows a kiss to himself in the camera)

Vote for ME! I'm so wonderful & I'm not Bush!

"Klaatu barada nikto"... (Below threshold)
hobgoblin:

"Klaatu barada nikto"

"You put your right hand in... (Below threshold)
JD:

"You put your right hand in, you put your right hand out..."

Or...."I'm a littl... (Below threshold)
JD:

Or....

"I'm a little teapot, short and stout..."

Why thank you. It IS<... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

Why thank you. It IS great to be the smugest, richest man in this room (even if I didn't earn a penny of it. Now THAT'S the democratic way.....)

At the end of his closing s... (Below threshold)
KCTrio:

At the end of his closing statement of the first debate, Mr. John Forbes Kerry says:

"Mr. Bush, I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. but I can tell you one thing, Mr. President, after having inserting this hand up your behind and having smelled it, you're no Jack Kennedy. And I can assure you, Mr. President, I know what Jack Kennedy's bum smelled like. The sweet aroma has been seared, seared into my memory."

You there. Yes, you there s... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

You there. Yes, you there standing with your back to me in the 3rd row. I applaud you!

I've been waiting 33 years to put the knife in your back a 2nd time. Thank you for this grand opportunity!

Spare a handout for the nex... (Below threshold)

Spare a handout for the next ex-husband of Teresa?

My friends, Cambodia was ri... (Below threshold)
Jeff:

My friends, Cambodia was right here. I was that close and that is the truth. It was Christmas or was it in January or was it…

I can't get this smell off ... (Below threshold)

I can't get this smell off my hands.

DrDigits,Shouldn't... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

DrDigits,

Shouldn't that be:

What is the sound of one hand flip-flopping?

"OK, Simon Says. Raise our ... (Below threshold)
Rodneyt Dill:

"OK, Simon Says. Raise our right hand... Bob Dole, your out again"
(whispered) "Get's 'im everytime."

"Dan Rather reporting here ... (Below threshold)
just_4_kicks:

"Dan Rather reporting here at John Kerry's speech to a group of veterans. Mr. Kerry has raised his hand and the crown has hushed in silence. Everyone is eager to hear him speak. Wait a minute, I am getting a message in my earpiece, there there has been a short circuit and fire is flying from wires located in the back of Kerry's neck. ...Ah, ladies and gentlemen, we will break away to bowling on CBS until we have an update.

A short time later Kerry's head explodes

"Why did you fools bother w... (Below threshold)

"Why did you fools bother with the Reserves when you could have just shot and cut yourself three times to get out of Vietnam?"

Take my wife...please!... (Below threshold)
Dave G.:

Take my wife...please!

"So go ahead, McAuliffe, cr... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

"So go ahead, McAuliffe, crucify dubya, I was my hands of the whole thing, after all this is International Talk Like a Pilate Day...What's that you say...Pirate?

"So go ahead, McAuliffe, cr... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

"So go ahead, McAuliffe, crucify dubya, I wash my hands of the whole thing, after all this is International Talk Like a Pilate Day...What's that you say...Pirate?

(dang type-o)

Update: <a href="ht... (Below threshold)

Update: Winners announced. Comments are now closed.




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