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John Kerry's Secret

The other day, I heard the umpteenth denial by John Kerry that he is a flip-flopper. He has not changed his position on Iraq. He hasn't changed his position on supporting the troops. He hasn't had tanning treatments. He hasn't had Botox treatments. He does and doesn't own a Chinese assault rifle. And so on and so on and so on.

Now, I'm normally loath to accuse someone as prominent as John Kerry of lying. He's spent a very large chunk (quite possibly half his life) in public service. (Also known as "on the public's payroll, not earning a living like the rest of us.") Also, politicians very rarely publicly make out-and-out lies -- it's too easy these days to turn them around into sound bites that literally bite. They usually weasel and evade and convolute matters so they can technically tell the truth, without having to actually put falsehoods on the record. Sometimes finding them can be a quite entertaining game.

But in John Kerry's case, it's difficult to spot where the weaseling is. On the surface, he seems to contradict himself on a fairly regular basis. But after long consideration and several sleepless nights, I think I've discovered just how John Kerry manages to say all these seemingly contradictory things without actually lying.

There's more than one John Kerry.

Think about it: one John Kerry is a huge liberal, a vain, anti-war glory hound who casts vote after vote against the military, against the intelligence services, against national security. A second John Kerry speaks out in favor of removing Saddam Hussein, votes in favor of the war, goes hunting and shooting, and owns a Chinese assault weapon.

This explains it all. He's always very careful to say "I didn't say that" or "I didn't do that." Of course he didn't; that was the OTHER John Kerry. As long as they're very careful to not appear in public too close together, they can appeal to a wider audience and minimize alienating different constituencies. And as long as each of them can refrain from taking positions associated with their doppelganger, they can honestly say "I didn't flip-flop."

It also explains his penchant for marrying heiresses. It takes a hell of a rich woman to support TWO John Kerrys in the manner to which they have become accustomed.

The only flaw with this theory is that you'd think with two John Kerrys running around, at least ONE of them would have the time to show up and vote in the Senate more than once out of every ten votes...

J.



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Comments (13)

- No matter how many of the... (Below threshold)
Hunter:

- No matter how many of them there are running around they all still look like Lurch to me.....

Kerry doesn't want to flip-... (Below threshold)
Lastango:

Kerry doesn't want to flip-flop. Those contradictory positions come from some where else...


(Ring!)

Yeah?

We’re trying to paint him RED, Theresa!

Karl, I slathered the Heinz on him but he kept turning all kinds of shades.

OK, but Orange? Dammit!

It’s because he was so yellow when I started. What’s wrong with orange?

Florida voters might hand him the state, that’s what.

I couldn’t slip anything into his cue cards – he typed on both sides. Got any other ideas?

Always. I’m sending Al to give him debating advice.

Big Wooden Al? Geez, John already looks like Treebeard.

It’s the last march of the Aint’s. Al’s gonna tell him to talk about if we’re on the right course, or going the wrong way, and how we get headed in the right direction.

Everybody will think of your windsurfing ad! Karl, how do you do it?

With your help, babe. Then he’s gotta trash Bush’s tax cuts for the rich…

You’re on thin ice, Karl!

Look, just do one little thing. Right before the debate, make Cabana Boy feel like a real man. When he tries to inhabit the character…

He’ll Dukakis himself! You’re gonna owe me, Karl.

Come on, it’s no big deal. When we carry the Girlie-Man State you’ll get your tomatoes for a penny a pound, just like when I “buy” somebody else’s oil in somebody else’s country. Gotta go… time for Dick and me to put the “President” to bed. Hillary says suck it up as best you can.

(Click)

It's the best explanation I... (Below threshold)
Remy Logan:

It's the best explanation I've heard, other than delusional schizophrenia brought on by extensive drug use in his college/Nam days. But, Kerry wouldn't have been doing serious psychotropci drugs back then. Would he? On the other hand, in Apocolypse Now they were. And Kerry has already confessed that his time in Nam was just like the movie. Hmmm.

Boy, that's pretty heavy, J... (Below threshold)
firstbrokenangel:

Boy, that's pretty heavy, Jay. You too, Remy. I'd have to say it's a mixture of the two and because of who he is, we can't get into his bathroom to find out. Bipolar, schizophrenia, multiple personality and dopplegangers are all the same to me. He fits the medical and professional profile to a T.
Catch you later,
~C

and y'all wonder why Form 1... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

and y'all wonder why Form 180 hasn't been signed......

Flip-flopper of not, it see... (Below threshold)
Jim:

Flip-flopper of not, it seems that Kerry very well may be destined to reside in the White House.

Also notice that both John ... (Below threshold)

Also notice that both John Kerry's have never been seen together in public at the same time. That tells you something right there.

Sneaky, for sure.

Kerry did not need to earn ... (Below threshold)
Just Don:

Kerry did not need to earn an income. He got his money the HARD way, he married it. Twice.

OR, maybe you're just too s... (Below threshold)
Lowell:

OR, maybe you're just too stupid to listen to what Kerry actually says.

Hey Lowell,I hear ... (Below threshold)
Remy Logan:

Hey Lowell,

I hear John Kerry only too well. Kerry said that we need to do a unilateral nuclear freeze. He stated that we should give Iran nuclear fuel. He said that we need to stop research into bunker buster bombs. After claiming that he will never subject our foreign policy to a foreign veto, he said that questions about our defense must pass a global test.

Call me stupid, but I disagree with all of his points. Last night Kerry again reiterated his secret plans that he won't reveal because he doesn't want people criticizing them. Perhaps, like you, Kerry feels that the American public is too stupid to understand.

By the way, call me a stupid redneck if you will, but I prefer a president who looks like a chimp but can trim his own fingernails, rather than a Lurch who gets his fingernails painted.

There is something more sin... (Below threshold)
Branna:

There is something more sinister going on here. Democrats won't come out with their true intentions because they know it's not appealing. So they just tell people what they THINK people want to hear to get votes. How anyone can vote their security on someone like that is scarey.

Another reason why Bush will win!

BUSH/CHENEY 2004!

Very, very true Branna. thn... (Below threshold)
mike:

Very, very true Branna. thnx

Bush 2004, "kerry" is not a... (Below threshold)
Bush will win:

Bush 2004, "kerry" is not a canidate, he is a political tool.




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