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Weekend Caption Contest™

It's Friday, which of course means it's time for the Wizbang Weekend Caption Contest™.

Marilyn Newton/Marilyn Newton 
HEINZ KERRY IN RENO: Teresa Heinz Kerry makes a point Thursday at the Neil Road Recreation Center.


Update: Winners announced. Comments now closed.


Comments (161)

In the name of Christopher ... (Below threshold)
leelu:

In the name of Christopher Reeve, *ARISE*!

(Except you litle people. God, I'm tired of this shit....)

"The stack of money to pay ... (Below threshold)
Stephen Swanson:

"The stack of money to pay your taxes is going to need to be about this high."

"Iíve got a special cure fo... (Below threshold)
jmaster:

"Iíve got a special cure for dealing with John. Put six raisins in a bottle of gin, drink the gin, and throw out the raisins"

"Mrs Kerry! Can you ell us ... (Below threshold)

"Mrs Kerry! Can you ell us how the senator performs in bed?"

I should have used a stack ... (Below threshold)

I should have used a stack of hairspray cans this tall.

An zen you... uh... *hic* e... (Below threshold)
Neo:

An zen you... uh... *hic* eet zee rasins zat you soaked in gin and uh... what was I saying?

"Living in a material world... (Below threshold)
Sean:

"Living in a material world, And I am a material girl."

So, you put the raisins, wh... (Below threshold)
Jim in Chicago:

So, you put the raisins, white raisins, in about a liter of gin, and then you throw the f***in' raisins out, drink the gin, all of it, washing down an elephant tranquilizer, and, bob's your uncle, no more arthritis pain! I just did the very thing before coming out on stage, and boy do I feel good. What was I saying again?

"SHOVE IT! YOU SCUM... (Below threshold)
MahaRichie:


"SHOVE IT! YOU SCUMBAG IDIOT",and how did my monogrammed panties wind up on YOUR HEAD?
Oh my God, I think I ate too many white raisins...

I THINK SHE A DEFINITE CAN... (Below threshold)
HOTROD:

I THINK SHE A DEFINITE CANDIDATE FOR EXTREME MAKEOVER............IS THIS THE KIND OF 1ST LADY WE REALLY WANT TO LOOK AT EVERY DAY...........BABARA BUSH COULD HER A FEW POINTERS ON WHAT TO DO WHEN U WAKE UP IN THE MORNING STARTING WITH A NICE SHOWER.

I am so over.... (Below threshold)
Orville:

I am so over.

It is I, Strong Woman. Make... (Below threshold)
David Hamilton:

It is I, Strong Woman. Make that Strong, Rich Woman.
I'm going to give John an allowance just as soon as
he's old enough.

Coming soon to a theatre ne... (Below threshold)
Sean:

Coming soon to a theatre near you - Austin Powers Incognito.

Dustin Hoffman attempts to ... (Below threshold)
Sean:

Dustin Hoffman attempts to reprise his award winning role.

Man or Woman - only the bra... (Below threshold)
Sean:

Man or Woman - only the bravest will ever know.

- I've been trying to screw... (Below threshold)
Hunter:

- I've been trying to screw a Republican since I was thisssss tall -

- All you little people in the front row move back....I just put fresh batteries in this French mike -

- Sooooo all you scumbags keep sayng my John boy does every position....Why the hell do you think I married him you idiots -

"Christopher Reeves died so... (Below threshold)

"Christopher Reeves died so he didn't have to get drafted under a second Bush Administration. Too bad, because my husband has a plan that would have cured him."

Actually, I have been told ... (Below threshold)
david K:

Actually, I have been told I look a little like Michael Jackson....perhaps thats because we're both black...or at least he was once....

Proving conclusively that s... (Below threshold)

Proving conclusively that she will be a change of pace from Laura Bush, Ms. Heinz-Kerry championed her new look, "Rode Hard and Put Up Wet!"

Zig Heil! Zig Heil!... (Below threshold)

Zig Heil! Zig Heil!

This getting up at 11:00am ... (Below threshold)
Mark:

This getting up at 11:00am is cutting down on my detoxification time !

So, when my Johnny couldn't... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

So, when my Johnny couldn't think of anything nice to say about me to Schaffer at the debate Wednesday, I bitch slapped his ass, attached the dog collar to his feeble neck and put my strap-on to him....

No, but thanks for asking. ... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

No, but thanks for asking. I do get mistaken for Andrew Sullivan quite a bit actually.....

"You doubt the raisins? Loo... (Below threshold)

"You doubt the raisins? Look at my hand ... solid like a rock."

Those Bush girls really do ... (Below threshold)
rorochub:

Those Bush girls really do have nice legs.

Look at how steady my hand ... (Below threshold)
Brian Beatty:

Look at how steady my hand is after having my raisins and gin. I'm invincible!

"Oh God, my hand is bluring... (Below threshold)
The Hort:

"Oh God, my hand is bluring again. Johnny!! Johnny!!! Get me my damn raisins!!!"

Well, I can't release my ta... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

Well, I can't release my tax returns to the public; the stack is this tall according to my accountant.....

Fat guy near my elbow makes... (Below threshold)

Fat guy near my elbow makes me happy
Fat guy voting Bush would make me cry
Fat guy near my elbow looks so homely
Fat guy inheritances always makes me high

If I had a tax that I could tax you
Iíd give to you a tax that I won't pay
If I had a tax that I could force on you
I'd sing a song that Mary Cheney's gay

[original John Denver]

Just take nine Gin soaked r... (Below threshold)
J.Murphy:

Just take nine Gin soaked raisins and call me in the morning.

Then <a href="http://www.co... (Below threshold)

Then John tried to kiss me so I pushed his head down like this.

And this shaky hand is the ... (Below threshold)

And this shaky hand is the one I use to brush my hair.

"And if you elect my husban... (Below threshold)
Clay Jarr:

"And if you elect my husband as President, people like Mary Cheney will become straight."

Ladiesh and zhentlemen - ur... (Below threshold)

Ladiesh and zhentlemen - urrrp

Mr. Michel Moore.

All the people on this side... (Below threshold)

All the people on this side of the room look like they make about $40k.

"This song is for all you p... (Below threshold)

"This song is for all you peasants and peons out there who think my second hubby will make a fine Prime Minister; HIT IT JOE:

[SINGING]

Allons enfants de la Patrie
Le jour de gloire est arrivť!"

[La Marseillaise] http://marseillaise.org/audio/marseillaise.wav-

"Yes Heinz Ketchup ... (Below threshold)
MahaRichie:


"Yes Heinz Ketchup IS thick and rich...The easiest way to get it out,is to give a sharp smack on the "bottom" like this"..."It works every time...Just ask John."

... and then, we had this c... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

... and then, we had this cute lil houseboy growing up on that plantation... he couldn't have been more than 10 or 11, but he made me an African that day long ago....

People always tease John th... (Below threshold)
david:

People always tease John that he is so tall and they say "I didn't know you could stack sh** that high". Acutally, he is only this much sh** and the rest hot air. But at least he has a plan!!

You put the raisins in t... (Below threshold)

You put the raisins in the Tanqueray and call me in the mo-o-o-orning

Look, if you elect John, I ... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

Look, if you elect John, I swear we'll bring back intern sex to the White House.... I promised John he could....

You know, I didn't know tha... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

You know, I didn't know that nice Michael J Fox was only this tall either... but Johnny says Edwards will cure him if we're elected. Might even help that Muhammed Ali fella too.... it's in the plan.

"I am not an alcoholic or d... (Below threshold)
Jim:

"I am not an alcoholic or drug addict-- see my hand is almost as steady as a rock"

"Sorry John, I just can't c... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

"Sorry John, I just can't carry on the charade anymore. Yes, I am Frank J's love monkey."

'No, my husband is not some... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

'No, my husband is not some washed up, fat, drunken, incoherent, has been politician. That would be the other Senator from Massachusetts."

"...And if you don't believe me you can check the facts at fatchicks.com, no wait a minute, that's fatchicks.org. ...Sorry, nothing personal, Mrs. Edwards."

I don't know why Lynne Chen... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

I don't know why Lynne Cheney is ashamed of her daughter Mary, who is a lesbian. My children are not ashamed of me.....

Aren't I rich?Do ... (Below threshold)

Aren't I rich?
Do you like my hair?
Me up here where I belong,
You way out there.
Send in the clown.

Isn't it bliss?
Don't you approve?
My John keeps spinning around,
But his polls don't move.
Where is the clown?
Send in the clown.

Just when I'd stopped beating the help,
Finally knowing the one that I wanted was yours,
Making my entrance again with my horrible hair,
Sure of my lines,
No one is there.

Don't you love farce?
My fault I fear.
I thought that you'd give me what I want.
Sorry, my dear.
But where is the clown?
Quick, send in the clowns.
Don't bother, he's here.

"Let this be a lesson to al... (Below threshold)

"Let this be a lesson to all of you-- never stick your fingers in an electrical outlet!"

During a campaign stop at t... (Below threshold)
jmaster:

During a campaign stop at the Berkeley Home for Burned Out Hippies, Terreza Heinz Kerry tries to recapture the karma of their glory days by leading the patients in song:

ďAnd its vone, two, fthree,
vhat are vee fightink for?
Donít ask me, I donít give a damn
Next stop vill be Iran,

Vell, eets, five, zeex, zeven,
open up the pearly gates
Vell, there ainít no time, to vonder vhy,
Voopee, veíre all goink to die!Ē

The democratic crowd did no... (Below threshold)

The democratic crowd did not realize Teresa had been replaced with a wax figure until the entire bank of lights was turned on and caused her to begin to melt.

"Bet you're wondering how I... (Below threshold)
OhioanForBush:

"Bet you're wondering how I knew
about your plans to make me BLUE!
With some girl you knew before...
But that's what prenupts are for!
Oh yeah, I heard it through the grapevine,
After 'lection day you'd no longer be mine!
Ooooh Yeah, I heard it throught the grapevine,
of your PLAN; you filthy swine...."

As a matter of fact, I have... (Below threshold)

As a matter of fact, I have been eating raisins today, so just shove it scumbag!

"The power of rum-soaked ra... (Below threshold)
Russ:

"The power of rum-soaked raisins compels you!"

. . . . . I was go... (Below threshold)

. . . . .

I was going to write something, but realized that nothing any of us could invent can match the things she really says.

Anticipation, anticipa-a... (Below threshold)

Anticipation, anticipa-aaa-tion
Is making me crazed
Is keeping me hating...

I don't have a quippy capti... (Below threshold)
KJC:

I don't have a quippy caption, but that microphone looks like John Kerry from behind!

Damn. That should have bee... (Below threshold)
Russ:

Damn. That should have been "gin-soaked raisins compels...."

"In my earlier days as an A... (Below threshold)
Scott Stark:

"In my earlier days as an African-American, when I was about this tall...."

I do not understand what th... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

I do not understand what that is.... what is this moonbat you are talking about?

I figured hey, if looking l... (Below threshold)
Swede:

I figured hey, if looking like a bag lady got me out of jury duty, maybe it would work with this first lady crap too.

"See, even after 9 booze so... (Below threshold)
Monty Whisenhunt:

"See, even after 9 booze soaked grapes my hand stops trembling and I speak fluent French...uh, I mean English."

".... with a dick this</... (Below threshold)
Tim in PA:

".... with a dick this big, people."

"I once ate a golden raisin... (Below threshold)
-S-:

"I once ate a golden raisin...THIS...BIG...!

THEN I drank a glass of gin.

Ever since then, my hand's been frozen in this position, which is what John calls the "love bug" grip.

Which reminds me of Africa. When I was a young girl, growing up in Africa, I always knew that one day I would...have I ever told you that I was born in Africa?"

This is how I fellate Johnn... (Below threshold)

This is how I fellate Johnny... I grasp his mighty unit and lick the ...

"T is for Teetering.<... (Below threshold)
-S-:

"T is for Teetering.

"E is for Empire.

"R is for RecallRecall.

"E is for Another Empire.

"Z is for the Zebras in Africa that I should tell you about a little bit later, something in the next four hours...

"A is for Africa."


Tomorrow I will tell you about..."

I was born a poor black chi... (Below threshold)
Anachronda:

I was born a poor black child...

"You pedestrian yokels are ... (Below threshold)
Swede:

"You pedestrian yokels are not worthy of me or my Johnny Cakes. You bore me to tears! Do you hear me? This campaign bores me to tears! I am tired to death of asking for votes from people who are not fit to clean my pool. The last thing I want is to be First Lady to a bunch of Wal Mart shopping, football watching, psalm-singing hillbillies"... "Uh, did I say that outloud"?

Teresa Heinz Kerry, trying ... (Below threshold)

Teresa Heinz Kerry, trying to cover Edwards Steps, explained to the the heinz labor union the method to on how they can make ketchup into an elixer that cures all types of nural damage.

"And this is how I will lay... (Below threshold)

"And this is how I will lay hands on Chris Reeve...what do you mean he died?"

"Undt dis is my schpout"</... (Below threshold)
Steel Turman:

"Undt dis is my schpout"

In a shocking campaign twis... (Below threshold)
McCain:

In a shocking campaign twist, Theodore Anaconda, lower left corner, begins to swallow Teresa Heinz Kerry whole. As Anaconda explained later, "Sorrrryyyy everyone. I just couldn't take it anymore."

"Vell, I umped about dis hi... (Below threshold)
JAB:

"Vell, I umped about dis high off da floor . . . I mean I haven't been goosed like dat since the Clinton Administwation. And dat's the last indaview I will evah give Bill O'Wiley!

At the Washington Senators ... (Below threshold)
McCain:

At the Washington Senators season opener, rock legend Mick Jagger sings the Star Spangled Banner.

TAKE NOTE PANTYHEAD... (Below threshold)
MahaRichie:


TAKE NOTE PANTYHEADS...jmaster,with his unique creativity is crushing you ! (and even me).
I hope the judges take the panties off their own heads for once.

Elephants! Pink, thi... (Below threshold)

Elephants! Pink, this tall.... and and... They kept coming and coming and coming.

Even though I have to be ba... (Below threshold)
Bill:

Even though I have to be back at the Betty Ford clinic in a few hours...

JAB:Thanks for the ... (Below threshold)
MahaRichie:


JAB:Thanks for the laugh.
And thanks that we are starting to get some entrants who are not infected with Lame Disease.

You need a bottle of gin ab... (Below threshold)
Jim:

You need a bottle of gin about thiiiiiis high and 52 and 1/2 marshmallows, or was it raisins. Anyway, soak em in the gin and your warts will go away when you tape the gin soaked marshmallows to your hiney!

:)

Drunk blogging the debates?... (Below threshold)
Doug:

Drunk blogging the debates? Hold it there scumbags, I do it live.

"John Kerry will make the U... (Below threshold)

"John Kerry will make the U.S. repected again!"

"When France takes a crap on America, my husband will be there to thank them and wipe their asses clean!" shouted Mrs. Kerry to thunderous applause from Democrats. "And if necessary, he will use... his... tongue!!"

(Hey, she did say she was a little kinky)

around me JOHN is only this... (Below threshold)
dan:

around me JOHN is only this tall!!!

Yes, little Johnny Edwards ... (Below threshold)
Dittybopper:

Yes, little Johnny Edwards would make a nice boy toy, but I can't deal with that plus-sized wench he is married to - maybe after dickweed looses the election I can promise little Johnny that if he puts on his kneepads, I will fund his primary run in 08.

Has Dustin Hoffman gotten U... (Below threshold)
Jim:

Has Dustin Hoffman gotten UGLY since he did tootsie or what?

This is the worst case of severe appearance deficit we have seen to date.

Send your money. Just 29 cents a week will buy this person a paper bag and save us all some grief!

Dateline 2010 -- The eccent... (Below threshold)
McCain:

Dateline 2010 -- The eccentric aristocrat, Teresa Heinz Kerry, begins her curious striptease act at the Las Vegas Hilton.

You are getting sleepy...ve... (Below threshold)

You are getting sleepy...very sleepy...when I snap my fingers and each of you low life peasants will go out and buy 2 bottles Heinz's high margin new Green Ketchup.

About this much gin and a h... (Below threshold)
Nomorelies:

About this much gin and a handful of raisins....

"Hey! ...*hic*... You! I... (Below threshold)
JimK:

"Hey! ...*hic*... You! In the serving jacket. I asked ...*hic*... for a martini. Now get me my martini before I ...*hic*... have you executed, you peasant. You're probably one of the gays, aren't you? ...*hic*... "

To Russ:If gin and... (Below threshold)
Mike:

To Russ:

If gin and rum can't be distinguished, maybe it is time to stop drinking anything. :)


Hopefully this works. I am a Mac person using a Windows' laptop. I know that the post is not much, but I am now wondering if I can even make it work! :)

"First Frump"... (Below threshold)
Hotogo:

"First Frump"

Then John's mama tells him,... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

Then John's mama tells him, 'Integrity, integrity, integrity.' And I'll be damned if we know what she was talking about...

Raisins, schmasins - I just... (Below threshold)
Headzero:

Raisins, schmasins - I just downed a bottle of Maddog 20/20 and had a gin chaser. Does the same thing as the damn raisins but you don't have to wait. See no arthritis, just shakes - but I can't feel those either.

"Yes,I will tell yo... (Below threshold)
MahaRichie:


"Yes,I will tell you why my John is a great debater.Right before he goes on stage,I say John smell these fingers..remember the aroma..this is what will be waiting for you if you do good...I am a great believer in Aromatherapy...plus, he just loves fish."

"As you know, John is 6'4" ... (Below threshold)
cbk:

"As you know, John is 6'4" tall. Well, I tell you, he felt THIS tall when I was done reaming him for bragging about marrying up and THEN going on and on about his dead mother the other night."

You fukkin plebians better ... (Below threshold)
joe:

You fukkin plebians better elect John president or I will send another 53,000 Heinz jobs overseas

"And so I patted my little ... (Below threshold)

"And so I patted my little Johnny on the head and told him; don't cry Johnny I'll give you the money to buy the White House."

You met me...... (Below threshold)
Blueblood and raisins:

You met me... What will I tell my friends?

And then this white-trash K... (Below threshold)

And then this white-trash Kansas famhouse comes spiralling down out of the sky and crushes my sister. My sister! Those Muchkins were lucky I wasn't there to get her ruby slippers.

BlooDog:You are sup... (Below threshold)
MahaRichie:


BlooDog:You are supposed to eat the raisins not chug the gin...sober up!

"A WHITE RAISON SOAKED IN G... (Below threshold)
Master of None:

"A WHITE RAISON SOAKED IN GIN"

damn, I ment RAISIN ... (Below threshold)
Master of None:

damn, I ment RAISIN

Teresa Heinz Kerry illustra... (Below threshold)
Richard:

Teresa Heinz Kerry illustrating how John is going to wave his hands and make everyone's problems disappear.

Master of None:[ I ... (Below threshold)
MahaRichie:


Master of None:[ I "ment"RAISIN.] Now either you and BlooDog are the same person or you are getting "sloshed togrther".

'And Bush doesn't want you ... (Below threshold)

'And Bush doesn't want you to be able get cheap raisins and gin from Canada.'

Arrangement: Moon(bat)Sh... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

Arrangement: Moon(bat)Shallow
Artist: Cat's Heavin'

Yes
Dubya's sequestered old Osama
Bin Laden,
Bin Laden
keepin' and hidin' that Osama
Bin Laden,
Bin Laden

And
If Dubya brings Bin Laden out
Voter's will scream,
"he got that lout,"
If Dubya brings Bin Laden out
and if...
I won't make it to the Whitehouse door.

Yes
Dubya's sequestered old Osama
Bin Laden,
Bin Laden
keepin' and hidin' that Osama
Bin Laden,
Bin Laden

Oh
If Dubya makes fun of John's Iraq Plan
Folks will see,
he should get canned
If Dubya make fun of John's Iraq Plan
Oh if...
I can still make that Whitehouse Score.

Yes
Dubya's sequestered old Osama
Bin Laden, Bin Laden
keepin' and hidin' that Osama
Bin Laden, Bin Laden

Oh
If old Osama should get away
I'll have something strong to say
If that Osama should get away
O if....
I'll tell Dubya, SHOVE IT...

John's got the plan to run it, don't be fooled by Dubya's right.
It won't cost much to fund it, vote for John election night.

Yes
Dubya's sequestered old Osama
Bin Laden, Bin Laden
keepin' and hidin' that Osama
Bin Laden, Bin Laden

Bin Laden, Bin Laden
Bin Laden, Bin Laden

(I know, I know, the only artist you like less than Boy George is Cat Stevent)

Make that Cat Stevens... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

Make that Cat Stevens

DRUDGE BREAKING: Reuters ph... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

DRUDGE BREAKING: Reuters photo has offered this visual evidence the Yasser Arafat's recent sex change operation was indeed a success.... maybe.

I never called Bush a pig! ... (Below threshold)
D Carter:

I never called Bush a pig! I just said that after the election he could have a successful career hunting for truffles on my estate in France.

"Yea, I say unto thee, Nov.... (Below threshold)
fRANK wolynski:

"Yea, I say unto thee, Nov. 2nd, all yee afflicted with unspeakable sickness, shall be HEELED.!"

or

"John was only this tall when I met him, but his head was really huge." I said, "John, get off your knees, I'm not Ted Kennedy."

"If you tink Boosh's father... (Below threshold)

"If you tink Boosh's father made a big splash on dat Japanese prime minister, just you vait until I get fallink down shnockered at der inauguration! I'll get der revenge on dose Supreme Court ninnies for shtealink der election four years ago!"

OK, idiots go over there on... (Below threshold)

OK, idiots go over there on the right, near the scumbags. You people on the left, please ignore the scumbags and idiots.

Johnny, Johnny, that's w... (Below threshold)

Johnny, Johnny, that's who you should vote for
He gives me something I can hold on to
I know you'll think he's like the others before
Who promised you the moon, gave nothing at all
Johnny has got your number
He should rule over you swine
Voting for Boosh would be dumber
Kerry-Edvards 2004 (Kerry-Edvards 2004)
Kerry-Edvards 2004 (Kerry-Edvards 2004)
Johnny, Johnny he's the boy for you
Voting for him would make me so happy
He voted for it before
But he lost his nerve
He'll be a better leader
Than you peasants deserve
Johnny has got your number
He should rule over you swine
Voting for Boosh would be dumber
Kerry-Edvards 2004 (Kerry-Edvards 2004)
Kerry-Edvards 2004 (Kerry-Edvards 2004)
He's got it (He's got it), He's got it
He's got a surplus of gall
He's got it (He's got it), He's got it
For the last time
For the last time call
Johnny has got your number
He should rule over you swine
Voting for Boosh would be dumber
Kerry-Edvards 2004 (Kerry-Edvards 2004)
Kerry-Edvards 2004 (Kerry-Edvards 2004)

(rapping)Its like ... (Below threshold)
Rob:

(rapping)

Its like this and like that and like this and uh...

"This campaigning jaunt is ... (Below threshold)
Dodd:

"This campaigning jaunt is much more pleasant after the Valium kicks in."

Put it this way fellas...wh... (Below threshold)

Put it this way fellas...when I'm done being first lady you're gonna BEG for that Hillary bitch to come back.

My name is Teresa and I'm a... (Below threshold)

My name is Teresa and I'm an alcoholic.
I started innocently with just one or two raisins after lunch, then five, and now its nine raisins everyday. Not those common black raisins. Those exquisite white raisins soaked in gin. Oh! How I wish I had a raisin right now!

I once had a husband this t... (Below threshold)
Roundguy:

I once had a husband this tall.

"Rollin down the street, sm... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

"Rollin down the street, smokin indo, sippin on gin and juice
Laid back (with my mind on my money and my money on my mind)"

MahaRichie at his regular T... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

MahaRichie at his regular Tuesday night gig, where he/she once again had the enjoyable opportunity of entertaining regular folks with material that we can confidently say, is not well thought out, not unique and very obtuse... unfortunately, those in attendance were not entertained and asked for their money back....

The scumbags misquote me. D... (Below threshold)
ProfShade:

The scumbags misquote me. Don't they understand Mozambique accent? I did not say soak raisins, I say soak peasants.

my hand isn't shaking... (Below threshold)
jblue:

my hand isn't shaking

I'm sorry, I thought Hallow... (Below threshold)
Patrick:

I'm sorry, I thought Halloween was TODAY...

Nevermind...

Okay, imagine Johnny walkin... (Below threshold)
Patrick:

Okay, imagine Johnny walking around with his hands out like this saying, "Uhhh-hhh-ohhhh."

Come'on... Lurch... Am I right? You know I'm right...

When will IIIIIIII, Beeeeee... (Below threshold)
dB:

When will IIIIIIII, Beeeeeeeeeeeeee .... Loooooooooooved?

Who else wants a pat on the... (Below threshold)
Elitus:

Who else wants a pat on the head?

Here with you, I feel like ... (Below threshold)
Herhonor:

Here with you, I feel like Martha.


you can see what John Kerry... (Below threshold)
sfw:

you can see what John Kerry has done for me today...imagine what could happen tomorrow.

Madame Toussaud's Wax Museu... (Below threshold)
OCBill:

Madame Toussaud's Wax Museum will be closed today pending repair of their air conditioning system.

"Once again, I've been rode... (Below threshold)
gdr:

"Once again, I've been rode hard and put up wet....."

-gdr-

Zeven gin-soaked raisins a ... (Below threshold)

Zeven gin-soaked raisins a day und I could CRUSH Laura Bush's schkull vit no pain in my kinuckles....

Datz eet ! Security...remo... (Below threshold)
MahaRichie:

Datz eet ! Security...remove dat idiot in the turd row...ya, da one drooling and pounding on dee drum....WHO in dee world goes around wearing ladeez panties on dare head in public??? and vot da hell does..Maha is not a good man suppose to mean???...Datz eet ..get him outta here...

As I walk through my man... (Below threshold)

As I walk through my mansion in the south of France
I take a look at my John and realise there's not much left
Cause I've been brassing and laughing so long that
Even my hubby thinks that my mind is gone
But I ainít never slapped nobody that didn't deserve it

Why you get so upset, he's only a servant
You better watch how you talking, and where you walking
Or you uppity trash might be lined and shot
I really like to trip but I'm not on dope
It's just some white raisins I put in gin to soak ... fool
I'm the kinda B that little Dem ho's want to be like
On their knees in the night, saying prayers to we beat the right
Don't you want to live your lives bringing on my Teresa paradise
You could be spending most your lives living in my Teresa paradise

"Brains! BRAAAAAAAINS!"</... (Below threshold)
Teflon93:

"Brains! BRAAAAAAAINS!"

"Our opponent displays a ce... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

"Our opponent displays a certain disingenuity in his plans, his strategies, and in his creativity to succeed. He displays a certain knack for NOT being able to get the job done. He doesn't have the skills, the knowledge, nor especially the timing for the job. He resents our popularity and can't handle the truth that others don't flock to his values and beliefs. He has resorted to viscious lies and personal attacks when confronted with the blunt truth... What, No I'm not talking Dubya and the presidential election, I'm tellin' you about MamaBitchie and the Wizbang Weekend Caption Contest. "

In the end John Kerry's dow... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

In the end John Kerry's downfall would not be the debates, nor the swiftvet ads. His loss would later be attributed the fact that Rodney Dangerfield had started channeling throught Teresa Heinz Kerry.
"Tonight I would just like to apologize for my husbands remarks about Dick Cheney's daughter, that was a low blow. And, speaking of low blows, Mary, how's business." (rimshot)

And then I wiggle my finger... (Below threshold)
Mark W:

And then I wiggle my fingers like this and it makes John move like this...or wait...maybe it was like this...screw it, I can't remember. You're all unamerican anyway. I didn't say that you scumbags so SHOVE IT. Oh God my head hurts. Where are my raisins?

Yep...the bag of money John... (Below threshold)
Doug Book:

Yep...the bag of money John left me was this high!

And this is how much I was ... (Below threshold)
Doug Book:

And this is how much I was gonna leave John until he started on his mother and that integrity integrity bull****.

"...and this microphone is ... (Below threshold)
Larry:

"...and this microphone is about right. None of those Clinton cigars in my mansion."

"The pile of skulls of my v... (Below threshold)

"The pile of skulls of my victims is about this high. Why do you ask?"

"I taught the Emperor how to shoot lighting from his hands in Return of the Jedi. Don't make me demonstrate, 'cause it won't be pretty."

Thank Heav'nFor leet... (Below threshold)
m:

Thank Heav'n
For leetle girls ...

When my domestic partner is... (Below threshold)
Rtfm:

When my domestic partner is elected, there'll be stem cells soaked in the finest gin for everyone!!

Darlings.. please just do a... (Below threshold)

Darlings.. please just do as John says he's much smarter than you are , after all he married me didn't he..

the diamond on this finger ... (Below threshold)

the diamond on this finger is so big I can't raise my hand over my head, don't you just hate that..

"But beware of the dark sid... (Below threshold)
OneDrummer:

"But beware of the dark side. Anger, fear, aggression; the dark side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight. If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will, as it did Obi-Wan's apprentice, Dick Cheney."

...and so taxes are for lit... (Below threshold)
Jeff:

...and so taxes are for little people. You know, scumbags about this tall.

"One word: plastics!"... (Below threshold)

"One word: plastics!"

Those of you who didn't reg... (Below threshold)
Bruce:

Those of you who didn't register to vote at least 20 times, pickup your Kool-Aid from the table on my right.

"Eef everyone here will zju... (Below threshold)
-S-:

"Eef everyone here will zjust vote theese many times eeeach, zere will be a big day for all. But first, it will be my big day. THEN you can all enjoy YOUR big day. But, mine firszt. Next, John. Then yours."

"....and as the alien space... (Below threshold)
Dean Satterlee:

"....and as the alien spacecraft hovered over me like this, the hatch doors opened and a blinding light drew me inside."

Thank you Maha. It makes m... (Below threshold)
jmaster:

Thank you Maha. It makes me happy to know that a least one other person appreciates what I have done.

But I have to give this contest to the poster who observed that the microphone looks like John Kerry from behind. It really does!

I love this: In the name of... (Below threshold)
firstbrokenangel:

I love this: In the name of Christopher Reeve, *ARISE*! and the "Tootsie" references because they perfectly embody this picture and her as well.

But funny aside, this really is serious. Hotrod said...
"............IS THIS THE KIND OF 1ST LADY WE REALLY WANT TO LOOK AT EVERY DAY..........." As was mentioned in a previous article here and comments here, you have to look at the man, and his wife and think to yourself - Do these people really embody freedom, democracy, presidential behavior, attitude, and actions that are going to represent what the United States is all about??? This is not a game. Ronald Reagan's funeral reminded me of what the Presidential Office was all about and the class it takes to fill that spot and the spot of the First Lady.

This woman does not represent class, intelligence, respect or what our country stands for... you'd think with all her money, she could, at least, look better. Look good and keep her mouth shut for everytime she opens it, she says something really stupid and assinine. She is not a First Lady. Nancy Reagan was, Laura Bush is.....this woman should not even be seen much less give speeches. I do not want her representing me to the world and I sure as shit don't think her husband has the character or the class or anything else that is required of the "Presidential Office." They are an embarrassment and I wish they'd go away.
~C

To repeat myself from anoth... (Below threshold)
firstbrokenangel:

To repeat myself from another post and to continue from that other post........ Is this the best the Democrats could come up with??? My Gawd, have they stooped so low they think we will accept them in the highest office of this land?? And allow these two scumbags represent us to the rest of the world?? IS THIS THE BEST WE CAN DO???

ewwwwww
~Cindy

Confessions of an Heiress #... (Below threshold)

Confessions of an Heiress #418: My beauty routine largely consists of hanging out the window of a speeding limo to dry my nails and add extra volume to my hair.

Listen AFRICANERS !!... (Below threshold)
joe:

Listen AFRICANERS !!!!!!NO YOU CANNOT SUBSTITUE WATERMELLON SEEDS FOR RAISENS----THOSE ARE USED FOR CONSTIPATION daaaaaaaa

And now Teresa is channelin... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

And now Teresa is channeling Slim Pickens.
"Well They've said John Kerry isn't the sharpest tool in the Democratic shed. Let me tell you if they took out his brain and put it on the edge of a razor blade, it'd look just like a pea..., rolling down a... four... lane... highway."

And thought she remained a ... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

And thought she remained a staunch democratic until the end of her days, Natalie Maines had not foreseen the toll that the 'Anybody but Bush' mantra would take on her health and her appearance.

KEVIN!Here's a bet... (Below threshold)

KEVIN!

Here's a better soundclip to use with THK's photo; (la marseillaise sung by a woman).

http://www.marseillaise.org/audio/mireille_mathieu_-_la_marseillaise.mp3

4minutes & 17.8seconds

'Don't hate me because I'm ... (Below threshold)

'Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.'

wax on......wax off... (Below threshold)
Dean Satterlee:

wax on......wax off

"And then my Johnny will ra... (Below threshold)
radio:

"And then my Johnny will raise the minimum wage to $200,000"

or

"Thanks to coming to my 'Pay Less Than the Peasants" tax strategies seminar. While those goobers think Bush got them a good deal with his tax cuts, I'll clue you to the real secrets of living like a billionaire and paying a 12% rate. First have your hubby get a part-time job with good health care benefits, including Botox and skin tinting."

Update: <a href="ht... (Below threshold)

Update: Winners announced. Comments now closed.




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