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Bob-bob-bobbing along

While I was staying with my friend this last week, he mentioned that his ex-wife was getting married. My first response was, and I quote, "Jesus Christ, who the hell would want her?"

A little background is required here. My friend and I both suffer from the same affliction -- we're compulsive "nice guys" and often shape our actions to perpetuate that image. I never liked his first wife, and worked to keep them apart. I gave that up, however, when she blackballed me from their wedding, and I attempted to get along with her for his sake after that.

When he finally did go through with his divorce, he did his best to keep things civil and as free of hostility as he could, and he did a pretty good job of it. But I could see it was bugging him, so I did what any best friend would do: I appointed myself his Bearer Of Bitterness.

I expressed all the resentment and anger and contempt he wanted to, but didn't feel he could in good conscience. In fact, he often spoke up in her defense to me, but it was mostly by rote -- I had some compelling arguments.

She was incredibly narcissistic, lazy, hedonistic, short-tempered, and selfish in the extreme. Just a few examples:
1) She was fired from her teaching position because she just couldn't get her ass up before 2 in the afternoon.
2) Another friend of mine had to have an orchiectomy (surgical removal of a testicle), and I went to her for advice -- she had a degree in psychology. She was less interested in helping my friend, and more fascinated by it. She wanted me to set up a chance for her to meet him herself.
(I'll admit I wasn't very sensitive myself -- when I took him to the hospital, I showed up with an Almond Joy and a Mounds, and greeted him after his surgery with a fake orchid to go with his prosthetic testicle -- but that was done with affection, and as a close friend. She hadn't met him.)
3) Once, I was bothered and went over to their place to walk and talk things out with my friend. She was leaving for work. When she returned home, she was appalled that we hadn't even left yet (we spent about 3 hours talking there) and she threw her key ring straight into his face. I still don't know how he kept those keys out of his eyes.
4) She was often violent on other occasions. Finally, my friend told her that from now on, he'd hit her back exactly as hard as she hit him. When he finally did clout her on the arm, she sprung into tears and was shocked that he would have the nerve to stand up to her.
5) She was actively living with another guy while they were still married, and nearly every time they spoke, she would bring up the idea of divorce. My friend had severe divorce-phobia -- his parents had split when he was in junior high or so -- but finally called her bluff and agreed with her, to her great shock. She was still stunned when he did all the paperwork and presented it to her.

His single greatest moment regarding her was post-divorce, when they both happened to be at a gathering. Two women were discussing him, and she was within earshot. One of the women mentioned that she was now bisexual.
"I thought you were a lesbian?"
"I was, until I met him."
I wish to hell I could have seen the look on her face when she heard her ex-husband being described thus...

He's remarried now, to a wonderful woman with some great kids (and one not-so-great one, but that's another story). He still occasionally hears from his ex. The latest was that she was getting remarried, too.

I have to wonder, though -- does she still has an ass big enough to land small aircraft?

J.


Comments (21)

"he threw her key ring stra... (Below threshold)
Rags:

"he threw her key ring straight into his face"

Ah that brings back memories. I also had the key ring thrown in my face punching a small hole in the skin to the cheek bone. Being waken up after midnight by her screaming at me because she realized she was mad. All my friends disappeared because she drove them away. Finally divorced the biatch and now remarried to a wonderful, nice woman. Life does workout sometimes.

If this marriage doesn't wo... (Below threshold)

If this marriage doesn't work out, I know the perfect guy for her - my sister's ex.

Does this really belong her... (Below threshold)
Just Don:

Does this really belong here?

Perhaps I can get you a saucer of milk?

Maybe he was drinking when ... (Below threshold)
firstbrokenangel:

Maybe he was drinking when he wrote this...

Cindy

This is why I never married... (Below threshold)
dickd:

This is why I never married! I would now be in jail if I got keys in the face! Hey, I had surgery to fix a broken wrist yesterday, but I can type with one hand. No, I did not hit a woman with it, just slipped in the shower at the Y. I'm sticking with the story that a liberal pushed me, not that I was daydreaming! Hmmm...wonder if I can find a woman to wait on me now after the statement above? Dang!

Your friend's ex obviously ... (Below threshold)
Neal:

Your friend's ex obviously suffered from a personality disorder, probably Borderline Personality Disorder. Mental illness is still greatly misunderstood in this country. It doesn't make what happened to your friend any better. However, there is a clinical context as to why it happened. He was extremely lucky to have successfully extrictated himself from the problem. Most spouses of the menatlly ill don't or can't for a variety of reasons (including their marital vows).

I showed up with an Almo... (Below threshold)

I showed up with an Almond Joy and a Mounds

*giggle* That's harsh. (But I'm sure he needed the laugh.)

Great story! You must be ho... (Below threshold)
JCM:

Great story! You must be hoping beyond hope that she reads it!

I dont know. You and your b... (Below threshold)

I dont know. You and your buddy sound like a couple of world class dickheads yourself. They probably deserved each other and you should have kept your nose out of it, most likely. Some friends you have just back off from because you are just going to cause them grief. Sounds like you refused to back off and you ended up causing him grief. But hey, you won in the end, so yay you.

Jay: does anyone have said ... (Below threshold)

Jay: does anyone have said picture of "aircraft-carrier?"
(snicker)....

I have to kind of agree wit... (Below threshold)
firstbrokenangel:

I have to kind of agree with docweasel and Just Don, above, Jay. I know it's written under personal but it's the kind of personal considered "too much information?" It's kinda mean to say the least. That's the past, over and done with: he's remarried with 3 children now. They are both different people and obviously their "chemistry" didn't click, and all I can think of J, is I hope to God his wife and children didn't hear any of this very mean drivel that actually should never have come up in any discussion during your visit there never mind TMI here.

THINK, hon, before you type.

Cindy

ok, now back to your "lesbi... (Below threshold)
firstbrokenangel:

ok, now back to your "lesbian and bisexual" theme, of which you also mentioned here. :-)

Cindy

Come to think of it, my ex ... (Below threshold)
Justin B:

Come to think of it, my ex is finishing her PhD in Economics and after doing a Google search on her name and research works, she is a f*ing communist. I could deal with the fact that she is a witch, but at least she could have converted to lesbianism, not communism. At least then that would be a story I would be proud of. I could deal with the fact that I was not a good enough lover for her and she converted to women, but to think that I was not a good enough bread winner to get her wrapped up in buying BMW's and bling-bling...

I just try to live my life more like a Capitalist every day and hope that the pain of the last election will be enough to send her over the edge and into one of those Kerry Voter Sanitariums.

Argh, the horror. Somethin... (Below threshold)
-S-:

Argh, the horror. Something about psychology brings out very often (not always, my cute little disclaimer here) the very craziest, most inner-turmoiled as to appeal to the career. Actually, most if not all the social sciences do, compared to physical sciences, in my experience.

I had a bad dream last night about my ex and just wish, after all these years, that it would all go away. I emphathize, I sympathize but I just wish my subconscious would conclude the bad dream run that's last way too long about the ex.

This homosexual theme, though, it's a mystery to me. The last time I met with my ex -- now years ago -- he began in sincere tones to relay what he referred to as my "experience" and when I pressed him, he continued to describe how he'd resolved that I'd had some lesbian affair (I left him, but it wasn't for sexual reasons, but because he was violent), and it just reaffirmed to me how crazy paranoid the guy still remains and always was, since I've never in my wildest imaginings considered another woman in that capacity. Something about this fantasy stuck in my ex's rationalizations all those years and, no doubt, fueled many a false tale o' gossip about me by him throughout the years. What he never got was that if and when he beats up people, some of us move out and file for divorce. All those years, he just rationalized the finality as some crazed homosexual fantasy, just to remain in his margins of nuttiness.

I still have bad dreams. I wish I didn't.

I like your description of ... (Below threshold)

I like your description of the "Bearer of Bitterness" - that's what I've been doing for several female friends in the last year, without realizing there was a name for it! It's a very comforting thing to do for a friend, to get all worked up on their behalf.

If the friend with the crazy ex had posted this, it would be too much. But for J. to do it means he's just doing what friends should do; i.e., rip exes to shreds.

I don't think anyone is alo... (Below threshold)
firstbrokenangel:

I don't think anyone is alone when it comes to a bad relationship. My first husband who died in 1978 abused me so badly that the doctors wanted to do a "therapeutic abortion" on me because they did not think I would survive. He didn't just beat me on a daily basis, he could easily have killed me and desperately tried to kill the baby inside of me. I can remember being in the driveway in a fetal position while he just kicked away and nobody did anything about it. There was more, a lot more and I just figured that after 6 years in Vietnam as a Green Beret, Special Forces, this was the beginning of his insanity. Somehow on my own with no help from anyone, I had to get strong enough to leave him with my son.

The second time around it was an ownership thing and after 6-1/2 years and $75,000, he stole my son away from me from that marriage. I'm sitting here now with beautiful nails, my outfit hanging up, unable to go to my friend's party at the Cafe' Escadrille in Burlington Ma because that lost son is now bunking on the couch and is such a friggin assole, I couldn't bear to be in the same car as him because he was going to. What my ex did to him, he should be hung upside down from his testicles and then shot. My nails came out real nice, too. This man also caused my first son to be a very angry 30 year old. This one is 20 and everyday is hell with him here. He's got to change and change a lot if he ever wants to be in a relationship, get married, have kids like he says he wants but that rock on his shoulder will keep him back from accomplishing that. This one I divorced before I told my family because I felt ashamed that I had made that mistake again. Now I know better.

These kind of men should be castrated so they can't procreate. I swear next time - I'm having psychological testing done on them!!

I think "Jay" is just angry and writing gets it out of his system plus his sarcastic view along with adding bits and pieces of other things (like the mounds or Almond Joy) gives him an opening into another story. And if you've been a long time resident here and have read "Jay's" stories, you'd "get" the lesbian/bisexual thing, so that means you'll have to go into the archives.

Suzy, I hope you don't have anymore bad dreams; resentment and anger is just not worth carrying around. We all have deeply personal things we rarely tell; although this post was particularly harsh on his friend's ex-wife, he must have had a reason for writing it. Now, maybe he ("Jay") can move on - obviously his friend already has since he's now remarried with three kids. Maybe just seeing his friend brought back all kinds of memories and he needed to rant.

Paul does the rants now, so maybe "Jay" feels he's out of place but he has his own very knowledgeable rants that are totally different from Paul's and he's funny as hell when he self-depricates himself and we all try to make him feel better. Personally I'm glad the person behind the "Jay" is an emotional, thought-provoking individual and if he wasn't here, I'd miss him dearly because those of us who have been here a long time like me, we love him no matter what. How can you not love all these three guys?

This is my favorite hangout and getting to know the computer generated them and the person behind it is a challenge I would like to take on.

For the rest of us, maybe we should pool our resources and make this shredder for all the bad exes we'd like to forget.

Cindy

firstbrokenangel: martial ... (Below threshold)
-S-:

firstbrokenangel: martial arts instead of great nails is a good idea....ha.

Best wishes...~;-D

Yeah I know Suzy but I can'... (Below threshold)
firstbrokenangel:

Yeah I know Suzy but I can't beat up by 20 year old kid... and I break easy these days - hey, for a nail biter, you should see them! :-) I wish I could quit smoking as easy as it was to make up my mind to stop biting my nails like everyone else in my family.

Sides, it's hard to do Martial Arts from a wheelchair.

Cindy

Damn boy-o, can you start a... (Below threshold)
Ian:

Damn boy-o, can you start a thread!

Here's my best friend's nig... (Below threshold)
Master of None:

Here's my best friend's nightmare wife story.

My college room mate and best friend got married to a woman right after graduating. He put her through law school. While working at her first job at a large Chicago law firm, she had an affair with another lawyer at the firm. My friend discovered this went to the firm and raised such a stink that they fired his wife and the guy she was having an affair with. She filed for divorce (one of her first pieces of legal work), but the judge was extremely sympathetic to him. He kept the house, and she had to continue making payments. She also lost the lease on her car, because it was in both of their names, and she no longer had a job.

So in the end she lost her job, her house, and her car, and had to move back in with her parents.

My friend is remarried, has three great kids, and still lives in the house.

ROFL!! That woman, she's ob... (Below threshold)
Cateagle:

ROFL!! That woman, she's obviously no lady, sounds quite remeniscent of a friend's ex. Those of us she didn't manage to drive off consider her to be a textbook example of "Beauty is skin deep, but ugly goes clear to the bone!". We also considered the three months it took him from filing for divorce to it being final as the world's greatest reducing diet; in 3 months he lost 250 pounds of ugly fat.

My congrats to your friend for obivously moving on well. I don't think my friend has yet found that "one" for him.




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