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New Wizbang Contest: Worst Celebrity Endorsement

OK, it's Tuesday, so that means it's time for another Wizbang contest. Or not, depending my mood and inspiration. This time it is.

What would you consider the absolutely WORST possible celebrity spokesperson for a given product, cause, or company?

"Hi, I'm Michael Jackson, and I'm here to talk about Cub Scouts."

"I'm Rosie O'Donnell, and I never go out without my GloThong."

"Now, to speak on behalf of 'Just For Men' hair coloring products, here's Michael Jordan."

"This is Tommy Lee. I'm here on behalf of my friend, Bob. Bob introduced me to Enzyte."

Winners ought to be announced Thursday. And bonus points will be awarded to anyone who can actually make me sick to my stomach.

J.



Comments (90)

Hello, I'm Howard Dean, nat... (Below threshold)
bullwinkle:

Hello, I'm Howard Dean, national chairman for the Democrat Party.

Lol Bullwinkle, game over.<... (Below threshold)

Lol Bullwinkle, game over.

8 )

Good evening, Andrew Sulliv... (Below threshold)

Good evening, Andrew Sullivan and Bea Arthur here to speak to you about couples sex therapy...


"Hello, this is Michael Moo... (Below threshold)

"Hello, this is Michael Moore and I am here to demonstrate the healing powers of Gold Bond Medicated Jock-Itch cream."

OJ Simpson here, for Ginsu ... (Below threshold)
Eric:

OJ Simpson here, for Ginsu knives.

Yeah, Bullwinkle wins. Brin... (Below threshold)

Yeah, Bullwinkle wins. Bring on the next contest already. :-)

"This is Dan Rather reporti... (Below threshold)
LagunaDave:

"This is Dan Rather reporting for CBS News."

P.S. "Courage."

Hi, this is the pope and I'... (Below threshold)
Dave:

Hi, this is the pope and I'm here to speak about young boys.

Hi, this is Monica Lewinsky and I'm here to tell you about Cuban cigars.

Hi, this is Chelsea Clinton and I'm here to tell you about Cuban cigars.

Hi, this is Joey Buttafuoco and I'm here to tell you about the sanctity of marriage.

Hi, this is Prince and I'm here to speak about humility.

Hi, this is Bobby Brown and I'm here to talk about domestic abuse.

Hi, this is Roseanne and I'm here to talk about food.

Hi, this is Rae Carruth and I'm here to talk about caring for your pregnant wife.

I could go on but one of these should do the trick.

Goodevening, this is Dan Ra... (Below threshold)
TheEnigma:

Goodevening, this is Dan Rather. We invite you to tune in to 60 Minutes Wednesday for our in-depth review on the high degree of Journalistic Ethics at CBS.

"I'm Michael Moore, and I r... (Below threshold)
George Traylor:

"I'm Michael Moore, and I recommend Preparation H hemorrhoidal suppositories to relieve that burning, itching, discomfort.

I do NOT recommend chili enemas - I thought I could absorb more chili faster...I just love chili and since my mouth and happystar are durn near indistinguishable..."

This is John Kerry. I am u... (Below threshold)
TheEnigma:

This is John Kerry. I am urging you to tune in tonight to the DNC's program "Honesty In Politics", sponsored by george soros, moveon.org and the king county (Washington) democrati party.

Actually, I think "I'm Terr... (Below threshold)

Actually, I think "I'm Terry McAuliffe for the Democratic Party" already failed quite spectacularly.

Alternately: "I'm Kevin Aylward, on behalf of Blogger."

Hi, I'm Richard Gere speaki... (Below threshold)
bdankers:

Hi, I'm Richard Gere speaking to you on behalf of the new and improved Habitrails System. It's not just for gerbils anymore.

"I'm Janet Jackson, and I a... (Below threshold)

"I'm Janet Jackson, and I always trust Marcello's Alterations for last-minute wardrobe work to help me give my best for an extra-super performance..."

Hey; John Kerry, here. With... (Below threshold)
m:

Hey; John Kerry, here. With news about Bronze Tanning Lotion: shades of orange you never knew you could be.

Osama Bin Laden here, speak... (Below threshold)

Osama Bin Laden here, speaking for Amnesty International.

I'm Jeffrey Dahmer, and I'd... (Below threshold)
Richard Sharpe:

I'm Jeffrey Dahmer, and I'd like to talk to you today about Hungry-Man Meals...

"Hi (tee-hee), I'm Paris Hi... (Below threshold)
OregonMuse:

"Hi (tee-hee), I'm Paris Hilton and let me tell you about my Mensa scores..."

"I'm Joan Rivers here for W... (Below threshold)
George Traylor:

"I'm Joan Rivers here for Wilson's Fine Leather."

I'm Jeffrey Dahmer, and ... (Below threshold)
OregonMuse:

I'm Jeffrey Dahmer, and I'd like to talk to you today about Hungry-Man Meals...

Maybe this should have been Andrew Sullivan...

Hi, I'm Michael Schiavo and... (Below threshold)
Jim:

Hi, I'm Michael Schiavo and I'm to here to talk to you about the sanctity of marriage, and the right to life.

Hi, I'm Paul Wizbang and I ... (Below threshold)
OregonMuse:

Hi, I'm Paul Wizbang and I just LOOOVE my new Dell Computer with Windows XP, the best operating system known to man...


(I wish I knew Paul's last name so I could really rub it in...)

"Hah, ah'm Bill Clin... (Below threshold)
LagunaDave:


"Hah, ah'm Bill Clinton. Are you fed up with tough stains that regular detergent won't get out? Believe meh, I feel your pain. That's why I recommend Tide Ultrasonic Stain Remover..."

My fellow Americans, Hi ya'... (Below threshold)
JTAO:

My fellow Americans, Hi ya'll I'm Jimmy Carter, and I want to talk to about a wonderful new aid program being sponsored by the United Nations - yes folks - I think you will agree that the UN's Habitat for young sex salves will be a cornerstone program of that wonderful world organization. Remember their motto “blue hats protect your young brats!”

Here at the Barbara Boxer S... (Below threshold)
OregonMuse:

Here at the Barbara Boxer School of Beauty and Charm...

Welcome to the Democratic U... (Below threshold)
OregonMuse:

Welcome to the Democratic Underground 10-Day Logic and Good Sense Seminar.

Hi, I'm Dennis Rodman here ... (Below threshold)
OregonMuse:

Hi, I'm Dennis Rodman here to tell you about Big Brothers of America

Hi, I'm Monica Lewinsky and... (Below threshold)

Hi, I'm Monica Lewinsky and I'm here to talk to you about Macanudo Cigars...

Hi, I'm Jimmy Carter and I want to talk to you about certified elections.

John Kerry here, and as a travel agent for Liberty Travel, and I want to tell you about all the fabulous trips you can take while in Vietnam, Cambodia, and Laos without fuss, muss, or a passport to Bangkok.

And lest we forget the other side of the aisle:

GW Bush here for HR Block... and I want to simplify your taxes, or eliminate 'em if you're a company...

Ken Lay here for KPMG and we'd like to offer you a free consultation on how to improve your business practices...

Hi, I'm Dick Cheney and I use Eraser(tm) brand shredders when I need my energy meeting documents sent to an undisclosed location...

Kofi Annin here to talk to ... (Below threshold)

Kofi Annin here to talk to you about human rights.

Dianne Feinstein, for Glock firearms.

Fidel Castro, for nationalized health care.

Terry Schaivo, here for the law firm of Dewy, Cheatham, and Howe, specialists in living wills.

Wile E. Coyote here for Acm... (Below threshold)
Dave A:

Wile E. Coyote here for Acme products ... they never let you down...

And that's the way it is to... (Below threshold)
Dave A:

And that's the way it is today. This is Baghdad Bob, reporting.

Hi, I'm Brad Pitt and I wan... (Below threshold)
Matt:

Hi, I'm Brad Pitt and I want to talk to you about "How to make marriage last"!

Hi, I'm Pamela Anderson and I'd like to talk to you about the evils of plastic surgery.

Hi, I'm Tommy Lee and I'd like to talk to you about the evils of penis enlargement.

Hi, I'm Andre Agassi. I'm not just the owner of Hair Club for Men, I'm a client!

Hi, I'm Michael Schiavo for Concerned Women of America.

Hi, Kevin Alyward here. I'd like to tak to you about the benefits of reading Oliver Willis.

Hi, I'm Joan Rivers for the... (Below threshold)

Hi, I'm Joan Rivers for the plastic surgery firm of McNamara/Troy...

Hi, I'm Michael Jackson for New Clorox Skin-Bleaching Formula...

Senator Edward Kennedy of M... (Below threshold)
McTrip:

Senator Edward Kennedy of Massachussets here to talk to you about the evils of drunk driving and the benfits of learning to swim.

This is Jayson Blair, New Y... (Below threshold)
McTrip:

This is Jayson Blair, New York bureau chief for PRAVDA........

Hey there fellow sportsters... (Below threshold)
Loon:

Hey there fellow sportsters - Ted Nugent here to talk to you about joining PETA.

This is Jane Fonda here to ... (Below threshold)
T. Lung:

This is Jane Fonda here to tell you all about The Swift Boat Veterans For Truth new workout video.....

My name is Hillary Clinton ... (Below threshold)

My name is Hillary Clinton and I'd like to tell you about the new KY warming gel.

Hi, I am Hillary Rodham Cli... (Below threshold)
Loon:

Hi, I am Hillary Rodham Clinton, junior senator from the great state of New York, and I am here to talk candidly to you about clitoral dysfunction, and how to help the woman in your life........

Say wow, I'm Paris Hilton -... (Below threshold)
Duffer:

Say wow, I'm Paris Hilton - and I am here to promote my innovative line of flame retardant post-coital vaginal itch sensitizer lotions, under my own new brand - Womb Service.....

This is Teresa Heinz, somet... (Below threshold)
Radio:

This is Teresa Heinz, sometimes Kerry, for Wendy's

This is Hillary Clinton for Runner's World

I'm Michael Moore and Weightwatcher's works for me

This is Maureen Dowd; I found my match at Match.com

Ted Kennedy here for Pillsbury Dinner Rolls

This is Jim McGreevey for Modern Romance

John Kerry here for Uncle Ho's Shredded Rice

Hillary Clinton here, on behalf of Victoria's Secret

Susan Estrich here suggesting you suscribe to Ladies Home Journal

I'm Ward Churchill. I use L'Oreal because I'm worth it

This is John Kerry for The Robb Report

Mary Mapes here. My IBM Selectric is like an old friend

John Kerry here. Nothing takes excess tan off faster than Dove soap. Leaves ya smellin' better than the guy in the next goose blind, too

I'm Elvis Presley, and I ta... (Below threshold)
Remy Logan:

I'm Elvis Presley, and I take Slim-Fast.

Hi, I'm Michael Schiavo for... (Below threshold)
Mark:

Hi, I'm Michael Schiavo for Summer's Eve. Nobody knows a douche bag like I do.

Hi, I'm Ted Kennedy, lead instructor here at the Chappaquiddick driving school.

Hi, I am Lars Lundren, and ... (Below threshold)
Tom:

Hi, I am Lars Lundren, and I am here to talk about Work Safety Issues.

A MEAT factory worker was this morning killed after falling into a sausage grinder.

Hows breakfast taste Jay...

Dewey, Cheatham and Howe is... (Below threshold)
Red Five:

Dewey, Cheatham and Howe is the erstwhile law firm set up (har!) by Click & Clack, the Tappet Brothers.

Hi,I am Mark McGui... (Below threshold)
Robert:

Hi,

I am Mark McGuire and I am Barry Bonds and we want to talk to the youth of today about the dangers of Steriod abuse.

Hi, this is howard dean for... (Below threshold)
TheEnigma:

Hi, this is howard dean for the GOP. I can move more democrats to the Republican party than any one man in history.

Announcer: "And now an impo... (Below threshold)

Announcer: "And now an important message about Hooked on Phonics by Marcel Marceau."

ward churchill - Depends</... (Below threshold)
TheEnigma:

ward churchill - Depends

"I'm Paris Hilton for T-Mob... (Below threshold)
LagunaDave:

"I'm Paris Hilton for T-Mobile Wireless, and I never go *anywhere* without my Sidekick. If you don't believe me, just ask any of my friends."

"I'm John Kerry, and I am t... (Below threshold)
LagunaDave:

"I'm John Kerry, and I am the NRA."

(Did I mention that I served in Vietnam?)

"This is Senator Robert Byr... (Below threshold)
LagunaDave:

"This is Senator Robert Byrd, asking you to support the United Negro College Fund..."

Wide shot of two women w... (Below threshold)
JD:

Wide shot of two women walking down a beach...

Chelsea Clinton: "Mom, do you douche?"

Don't go overboard on cruis... (Below threshold)
Noway:

Don't go overboard on cruise packages! Hi, I'm Leon Klinghoffer and you can take if from me: you can't go lower than the rock bottom prices at Lauro Lines.

"Hello, folks, Michael Schi... (Below threshold)
JD:

"Hello, folks, Michael Schiavo here. I want to talk to you about estate planning."

Hi, I'm Roman Polanski, and... (Below threshold)

Hi, I'm Roman Polanski, and I'd like you to try out my new combination Dating and One-Way Travel Service.

Hi, I'm John Kerry, and I'm... (Below threshold)
ginabina:

Hi, I'm John Kerry, and I'm running for President.

(dated, I know)

"I'm Michael Schiavo and I'... (Below threshold)
OregonMuse:

"I'm Michael Schiavo and I'd like to talk to you about Ensure, the nutritional supplement used in 4 out of 5 hospices and long-term care facilities."

(this should get me an honorary bad taste award, if nothing else...)

The saudi embassy"... (Below threshold)
TheEnigma:

The saudi embassy

"Eat pork, the other white meat"

terresa heinz kerry - hunt... (Below threshold)
TheEnigma:

terresa heinz kerry - hunts catsup

This is William Hung. She ... (Below threshold)
S.K.:

This is William Hung. She Bangs. She Bangs.

He Bangs. With Viagra.

The Darth Vader School Of P... (Below threshold)

The Darth Vader School Of Personel Management

Hi, I'm Gary Condit. It's ... (Below threshold)

Hi, I'm Gary Condit. It's 10pm. Do you know where your children are?

---

Hi, I'm George Lucas. Your generous donation to the American Film Preservation Society can help keep classic movies looking just the way you remember them.

---

Hi, I'm Robert Byrd. And when I need to get my sheets their absolute whitest, I reach for Clorox bleach.

---

Hi, I'm Ted Kaczynski. Why pay more for Fedex or UPS overnight when you can save big with Express Mail Second Day Service from the U.S. Postal Service?

"Hello, I'm Rance, here to ... (Below threshold)
-S-:

"Hello, I'm Rance, here to introduce you to Faux Celebrity Trolling, something everyone with any insecurities can really use when they want to feel, oh, you know, really important."

Ha, game over, Part I... (Below threshold)
-S-:

Ha, game over, Part II, bullwinkle wins, top o' the thread (^^).

Hi! This is O.J. Simpson... (Below threshold)
Rob:

Hi! This is O.J. Simpson... and Scott Peterson... and Michael Schiavo for the First Husbands Club

"Hi, I'm Madeleine Albright... (Below threshold)

"Hi, I'm Madeleine Albright."

"And I'm Helen Thomas."

"We're here to talk to you this morning, over breakfast, about the Today contraceptive sponge. How do you like your eggs?"

Oprah Winfrey: New spokesp... (Below threshold)
Maggie:

Oprah Winfrey: New spokesperson for Family Dollar Stores.

Maureen (bah humbug) Dowd: ... (Below threshold)
Maggie:

Maureen (bah humbug) Dowd: Celebrate the holidays with this new CD set "Top 50 Christmas Carols of all Times" with two versions of Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer.

Sarah Brady: Let’s arm the ... (Below threshold)
Stan25:

Sarah Brady: Let’s arm the criminal and keep him robbing, murdering and raping.

Sarah Brady endorses the NR... (Below threshold)
Stan25:

Sarah Brady endorses the NRA and contributes a $1 million dollars.

Trimspa baby! - Michael Moo... (Below threshold)
S.K.:

Trimspa baby! - Michael Moore

"Hi, I'm Kofi Annan. You kn... (Below threshold)

"Hi, I'm Kofi Annan. You know, when I think oil I think PermaLube."

Hello, I'm Craig Corrie, an... (Below threshold)

Hello, I'm Craig Corrie, and I'm here to introduce the new product line of fine Caterpillar bulldozers and tractors.

Mike Shiavo for Geritol..."My wife...I think I'll keep her."
(Gotta be old to remember that one.)

Ted Kennedy for Speedo, here!

Barney Frank for KY Warming Lubricant.

This is your Dear Leader Ki... (Below threshold)

This is your Dear Leader Kim Jung Il, son of our Great Leader and President Kim Il Sung, and I'm here to tell you how great democracy and capitalism have been for the DPRK.

(Note: even though he's dead, Kim Il Sung is still considered the president of Korea.)

"How much did you spend on ... (Below threshold)
James:

"How much did you spend on your morning cup of coffee today? A dollar? A dollar fifty? Two dollars?"

"Did you know that for fifty cents a day, less than the cost of a fast-food dinner every month, you can provide nourishing food, clean water, and life-saving medical treatment for a starving African child like Mbutu here? Hi, I'm Michael Schiavo for Save the Children, and..."

"...and that's why we feel ... (Below threshold)
James:

"...and that's why we feel the NAACP is still an important civil rights force today. Just ask our new spokesman, Senator Bob Byrd."


"I'm Helen Thomas, and I know I always feel sexy in the Victoria's Secret 'Barely There' collection."


[Note to self: NEVER allow previous sentence to gestate into mental image]

OSAMA BIN LADEN here for Vi... (Below threshold)
Danger Kitty:

OSAMA BIN LADEN here for Viagra. Up until this wonderful product which works just as well in a luxurious penthouse or a cave, I hadn't Bin Laden years!

"Hello. My name is Carrot ... (Below threshold)
JD:

"Hello. My name is Carrot Top. Not only am I the President of the Hair Club for Men, I'm also a Client..."

"I'm Angelina Jolie..."... (Below threshold)
JD:

"I'm Angelina Jolie..."

"...and I'm Billy Bob Thornton..."

"and we'd like to talk to you about donating blood to the Red Cross..."

Ellen Degeneres: "Viagra..... (Below threshold)
Maggie:

Ellen Degeneres: "Viagra...so every man can finally get it UP."

Fidel Castro: I've fallen a... (Below threshold)
Maggie:

Fidel Castro: I've fallen and I can't get up. Be happy, don't worry. Fearless leader has Medic Alert.

Hi, I'm Koffi Annan and thi... (Below threshold)
Troll:

Hi, I'm Koffi Annan and this is my son Kojo. Together we would like to remind you of the wonderful things the UN is doing in Darfur region of Sudan and the Congo... and to ask you to donate to UNICEF. Rest assured... all the money will go to the children.

(gazes dreamily @ Kojo)

Gary Condit: "When you go t... (Below threshold)
Maggie:

Gary Condit: "When you go to your local grocery mart, be sure to purchase the National Enquirer found on the aisle right next to the checkout cashier."

My name is Abu Musab al-Zar... (Below threshold)
Salt Lick:

My name is Abu Musab al-Zarqawi and I'd like to talk with you about Geico car insurance.

Hi, I'm Mother Teresa and I... (Below threshold)
mesablue:

Hi, I'm Mother Teresa and I'd like to introduce our new "Better Sex" video.

Hi I'm Jay Tea, spokesperso... (Below threshold)
mesablue:

Hi I'm Jay Tea, spokesperson for the Committee to Re-elect Ted Kennedy.

Hey, you said we got bonus points if we made you sick.

This is Clay Aiken for Girl... (Below threshold)
S.K.:

This is Clay Aiken for Girls Gone Wilds. I love hot chicks! Especially when they get naked.

I'm Sean Penn and I want to... (Below threshold)
Salt Lick:

I'm Sean Penn and I want to share with you the countless hours of joy I've experienced with my "Gaither Family Homecoming" videos, and for a limited time only..."

"...so once again, this is ... (Below threshold)
Salt Lick:

"...so once again, this is Michael Moore signing off, and reminding you, 'If cannonball's your game, Speedo's got your name.'"




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