I knew I shouldn't have eaten all those prunes, when is this idiot going to shut up?

Excuse me I have to go take a Teddy!!

that's right Ted----f____ you!!!!

Awight, wife guyf, nobody leavef 'til I get my teef back!

That #@&!## Rove, I was going to use that line!

"Nuke 'em all, let God sort 'em out."

Unfortunately, only an audio file would be appropriate for this one. But, for a low-tech solution, put your hand under your armpit and squeeze.

Hang on a second, Senator. I'm trying to make your head explode with my mind.

" . . . I am smiling."

" . . . oil can . . . oil can . . ."

Concentrate....deploy pyrokinesis....focus on target....

"I'm strong to the finish, 'cause I eats me spinach..."

Dam it Ted I shoud kick your f--king ass

Fat drunk and stupid is no way go through life, Senator

Don't call him a pompous ass in public.

Don't call him a pompous ass in public.

Don't call him a pompous ass in public.

Don't call him a pompous ass in public.

What the fuck happened to the America I used to know? Where's the spirit? Where's the guts, huh? "Ooh, we're afraid to go with you Rummy, we might get in trouble."Well just kiss my ass from now on! Not me! I'm not gonna take this. Durbin, he's a dead man! Harry Reed, dead! Kennedy...

At least no one has ever drowned on my watch. Which, come to think of it, is more than SOME politicians can say!

Yeah, and Teddy let his wife drown in lots of cocktail glasses.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrough!...

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry...

1) There's no crying in politics Dickie D.

Your buddy Teddy told me to resign and what did I do? I told him to go kiss my ass. That's right. Kiss my ass Teddy, that is if you can get away from your bottle long enough to shuffle on over and bend down.

2) I feel a disturbance in the Force. It is a presence I have not felt since....

3) Say what again. I dare you. I double dare you. Say what one more goddamned time mo-fo.

"F__K YOU! No matter what the Supreme Court says you are not getting Guantanamo to build a Carribean Gambling Resort!"

Why does everybody think I'm only the second biggest penis on earth?

I'M DON RUMSFELD, BITCHES.

Do you feel lucky, Teddy? Well, do you?

Oh GOD, how much longer can I hold this fart in?

Dick R. to Dickless D.: "Five minutes alone, buddy, five minutes alone!"

1) Ted, it's war. It's not like we can just walk away from it, check in to a hotel, sleep it off, and hope our friends and relatives clean up the mess the next day.

2) You know, if you squint really hard, Ted's gin blossoms look like a fireworks display.

I can't believe it.....I shave off the facial hair, and nobody ever figures out that I'm really Colonel Sanders.

God, give me and Mary Jo's dad 5 minutes with Fat Teddy.

"If I were King of the foresst!"

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld utilizes his on-board laser range-finder to ignite the ethanol haze surrounding Senator Edward Kennedy (D-Chappaquiddick)

"To use a frame of reference familiar to you Senator, the Vietnam War has been over for approximately 16,425 gallons of Scotch. It's time for you to move on...."

Rarrr! I am the Rumsfeld Strangler, and I am going to strangle you!

The Secretary bites his tongue, avoids impulse to invite the Senator to GTMO for a "personal visit." Real sleepless torture, he knows, is being put in the same cell as Jeff Dahmer

"Man, Hilliary would be hot in a pair of Big Dog boxers!"

in his best Beavis voice - "I'm receiving a fax!"

Rumsfeld attempts to launch an attach within "45 minutes or less" depof the order being given.

Listen, Dick Turbin! Let's step outside. Those are MY BOYS your're calling NAZIS!!!

(AP) The lines between public and private celebrity blurred today as Donald Rumsfeld practices for his new "Preparation H" commercial.

I swear, it'll take two MOABs to take his ass out.

"Go ahead. Make my day, punk."

Sorry, no matter how hard I try, I just can't get the tears flowing like Senator Turban did the other day.
I guess you won't be getting an apology from me, either. Punks.

Scanners IV: Rumsfeld's Revenge

NINE F***ING hours to report your accident, Ted, and you're questioning me about strategy?

"Weapons of mass destruction? I got your weapons of mass destruction right here Senator."

Does Don Rumsfeld have to choke a bitch?

(shamelessly stolen from Chappelle Show)

"hmm....overweight, weak heart, alcholic, out-of-shape...possibly 20 psi would do it.. or the old viper fang move.. 5-10 at most.. probably an early release via presidential pardon.. conjugal visits from Ann Coulter.."

"Progress?! Flobble-de-flee! In my day, when we were angry and frustrated, we just said, "Flobble-de-flee!" 'cause we were idiots and we didn't know what else to say! Just a bunch o' illiterate Cro-Magnons, blowin' on crusty handkerchiefs, waitin' in lines for our head to burst into flame and that's the way it was and we liked it!"

As Secretary Rumsfeld hears the ice cream truck going by outside he blurts out the first thing that comes to mind

"Fudge pop"

Senator Kennedy - "Excuse me Don?"

"That's right Teddy - I said Fudge pop. And when I get it I have a good idea of where I might stick it"

Downing Street memo?
Think Sesame Street Memo -- brought to you by the letter "F", the letter "U" and the number "2".

Downing Street memo?
Think Sesame Street Memo -- brought to you by the letter "F", the letter "U" and the number "2".

I shit bigger than you Drubin and I can prove it.

America...FU** YEAH!!!

Gads, that fat bugger is stupid...how in the Sam Hill did this idiot get the term "Senator" put before his name?

Ted Kennedy, I'm coming for you man. My style is impetuous. My defense is impregnable, and I'm just ferocious. I want your heart. I want to eat his children. Praise be to Allah!

"Fat drunk and stupid is no way go through life, Senator
Posted by: Stephen Macklin at June 24, 2005 09:00 AM "

Screw it, I'm not even gonna try.

WINNER. Freaking genius. :)

Is that Zarqawi hiding in one of Teddy's fat folds?

Secretary Rumsfield, seconds before he hocked a wad of chaw, scoring a bulls-eye on Senator Leahy's forehead.

In the immortal words of Fat Bastard, I've got a crap on deck that'd choke a donkey!...

Let's see, my strangling gloves are in the trunk. I can get him when he goes back to his office.

"It is fact certain that certain facts are knowable and other facts are in the negative, that is to say they are non-knowable, given the undisputed fact that we are all human beings and so nobody knows what they don't know. Next question."

I'm feeling especially telekintetic today. Let's see if I can incinterate Teddy's eyebrows....

Secretary Rumsfeld, in an extraordinary feat of strength, cracks nuts with his buttocks Thursday following a diatribe by the senior mullah coddler from Massachusetts.

I cannot help it, Senator Byrd. I always sneer at members of the KKK.

I gotta remember what Mom said "Never engage in a battle of wits with an unarmed man!"

Wait Ted I am trying to get your opinion our right now...ahhh.

Pierre

Karl Rove was right... these people really are idiots!

Can someone spare a square....

Who does number 2 work for?
Yeah, you show that turd who's boss!

After I'm finished eating your heart and shitting down your throat I'm going to laugh at the reaction your liberal friends have to Karl's comment.

Kennedy...you and that silly man next to you are toast.

"There . . . now you figure out what I had for breakfast."

-----

"I never really wanted to be Secretary of Defense, I always wanted to star in Movies, like Tom Cruise in Risky Business. Here's my "Old Time Rock and Roll" pose.

Now, remember what mom used to say, "Never argue with MORONS, they will drag you down to their level and beat you with experience!"

Regretting the extra bran muffin he had with breakfast, Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld anxiously waits for a break in the proceedings to hit the men's room and take a Kennedy.

"It's all I can stands, and I can't stands no more!" spits Don "Popeye" Rumsfeld, as he breaks open a can of spinach and prepares to take on the evil-doers.

I'll get you, you fat, bloated, murdering drunk Senator, and your little leftist attack pig-dogs, too!

Teddy, my dear, I don't give a damn what you think.

Mr. Rove, there is a great disturbance in the Force. We have a new enemy ... Luke Skywalker.

If you want a guarantee, buy a toaster.

"Senator.....more people have died in your car than at Gitmo"

Dammit, I knew I should have gotten those optical death ray, eye implants for Christmas instead of all that Halliburton stock.

or

Fu..er nice to see you Senator Kennedy.

"F*** you, Teddy and Nancy. Stop making me fight this war like I'm Stuart Smalley. Let me unleash hell like we should be doing."

Gays "in the" military?!?

Just thinking about it hurts!

P.S. Happy Pride!

I crap bigger than you, Kennedy.

I swear if Hillary asks me to join her and Michael Moore in a threesome one more time I'm gonna be sick.

"Ya know, I wonder what it would take to get women in combat roles so I can send Boxer and Pelosi to Fallujah..."

Saddam said that to me once... ONCE!

Ted, how 'bout if I just come right over there and give your blubber a part in the front to match the one in the back, hmm? How would you like that?

Ted, how 'bout if I just come right over there and give your blubber a part in the front to match the one in the back, hmmm? How'd you like that?

"F- word. That's right. We had fondue."

What we have here......is a fayle-ya.....ta commune-cate.

Fuh ... fuh ... fuh... fuh ... FUDGE YOU, TEDDY.

In this undated file photo, Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld uses the "Washingtonienne" method of fund-raising for the Pentagon's numerous projects.

Quagmire?
Senator, Iraq is not a quagmire.
Do you know what IS a quagmire?
Chappaquiddick is a quagmire, Senator.
Are YOU ready to resign, Senator?

Trying to be as subtle as possible, Donald Rumsfeld tries to remove small pieces of liberal stuck in his teeth from lunch.

"That fat sonofabitch makes my jaws tight!"

"Cartman,shut the F--K up!"

Bend over, here it comes again!

"Old age and treachery, overcome youth and skill."

I better practice holding my breath, that fat ass Kennedy is driving everyone to dinner after the hearings.

Ouch, my panties are in a wad!

If you enjoy this, check out this caption contest.

http://betsyspage.blogspot.com/2005/06/john-podhoretz-links-to-this-funny.html

"Never -- Never! -- turn your back and bend over in a room full of journalists!"

ffff...fuhfuhfuhfuh.....ffffff...ah hell... Fuck you Teddy Kennedy, you alcoholic, murdering swine!

Mistaking him for a Bulldog, Dr. Frist skillfully dissected him.

"If it wasn't for my horse, I wouldn't have spent that year in college."

(Sung in Munchkin voice)-

"We represent the Lollipop Kids, The Lollipop kids, the....."

"And I would've gotten away with it too, if it weren't for those meddling Ba'athists and that Secretary General of theirs...."

(sirens wailing in the background)

ATTENTION! ATTENTION! SIXTY SECONDS TO NUCLEAR SELF-DESTRUCT! FIFTY-NINE, FIFTY-EIGHT, FIFTY-SEVEN...

"Senator, I'm leaving you a lovely parting gift."

you wanna see a quagmire, senator?
go to chappaqudick; now THAT was a quagmire.

me gonna get vewee vewee angwee!

Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmrrrrrrmmmmpphhhh.....*PLOP!* Ahhhhhhh....

"Senator, have you ever read Iowahawk's "It is finally time to exit the oldsmobile? I think you might enjoy it."

1. Must not use fists of Death.
Must not use fists of Death.

2. One of these days, Teddy, a one-way trip to the moon!

"Scanners WAS real! Teddy's head is getting bigger."

-POP-

Donald Rumsfeld volunteered to be the first participant in the military's "Human Eye Leering Laser" (HELL) program.

Here, Rumsfeld is giving as much HELL as he can to Ted Kennedy.

Donald Rumsfeld at the National Spelling Bee, being asked to spell "francophile".

RUMSFELD (listening to the Senator from Chappaquidick): "Now THIS is torture!"

(to Durbin/Reid/whomever)
"I've got the nuclear football with me. Wanna play catch?"

Da - yam Ted ... what the bleep you have for lunch ?

That's more tortureous than what you're here accusing me of !

OR ...

"WOO HOO ... DAY-AM ... Ted ... I think I got your glass by mistake ..."

one more ...

"Rip a Koran ? I'll rip something for ya!"

ok ... 1 more yet ...

"Man ... if I send this fat SOB to Gitmo and let him talk ... hhhmmmmmmm ... those terrorists would pull osama out their arse to get him to shut up in what ... 30 seconds?"

Sic 'im, Chomps!!!

Try as he might, Rummy is unable to force a Koran through his asshole.

Goddamnit, I don't care WHAT the tax benefits are! You cannot turn the Pentagon into a Wal-Mart!

Talking about the misjudgements and the mistakes that have been made .. the name Mary Jo Kopechne comes to mind .. no more needs to be said.

I COULD HAVE YOU KILLED AND THEY WOULD NEVER FIND YOUR BODY.....

so if three strikes and I'm out how many do you get fat boy? Of all the Kennedy's who have died you have to be the one who lives.

I have an IQ of 200 and yet for the life of me I can't figure out what this guy is talking about.

"Fuck the fucking fuckers!"

Try as he might, Rummy is unable to force a Koran through his asshole.

Ok, McCain, you're the winner in my book.

You know, I think listening to this guy will make more terrorists crack than listening to Christina Aguilera. Go knows I'm ready to crack.

That does it.. Aquaman is SO dead for pulling him out of that car...

The REAL soldiers are the minions of muscles that are laboring at this very moment to expunge the terrorist inspired knot of constipation from my bowels and the grimace from my jowels.

Get your hands off me, Kennedy, you damn dirty ape!

Teddy: "What the hell are you doing down there? Are you taking your shoes off?"

Rummy: "Yes Teddy, my Hapkido fighting technique, although disdained by Steven Seagal, was practiced by Billy Jack."

Teddy: "Billy Jack? That part Injun guy?"

Rummy: "That would be the guy Teddy."

Teddy: "Hey, bet Billy could get his hands on some pretty good bottled lightning? Where is that guy?"

Rummy: "I’m going to take my right foot, and I’m going to whomp you on that side of your face, and you know something? There’s not a damn thing you’re going to be able to do about it."

The Secretary of Defense activates the deadly Rums-Field, incinerating Senator Kennedy as the hearing room fills with the smell of hot toddy and burnt ham.

"Teddy, although your past run-ins with The Man have been passive in nature, that is about to change."

You have no idea how close you are to being strangled to death, Mr. Speaker. Strangled. To. Death.

Last in a file of photographs of the Secretary of Defense, used to let his staff know his daily mood, was this one titled "Freakin' Angry"

When are you going to retire, Senator?

Phuc!

I'll retire when I'm damn well ready, then I'm moving to Martha's Vineyard and installing a bevy of wind mills off Hyannis Port.

"Senator, I'll eat your fermented liver with fava beans and a nice chianti, fffthffffthf!"

Hmmm......

I think I should ask Kennedy to resign. One less drunken power mad national embarrasment in congress would be a good thing.

Nah, Just let the poncy little work shy git pontificate.

No Ted, I wouldn't piss in your mouth even if your tongue was on fire.

Senator Kennedy, I'll meet you outside.

I SEE YOUR MOUTH MOVING BUT ALL I HEAR IS BLAH,BLAH,BLAH,BLAH.......

"Aahm afraid the strain...was more than he could bare."

"Why, a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head or tail of it."

or....last one...
"In Italy for thirty years under the Borgias they had warfare, terror, murder, bloodshed - they produced Michelangelo, Leonardo da Vinci and the Renaissance. In Switzerland they had brotherly love, fire hundred years of democracy and peace and what did that produce…? The cuckoo clock."

Quagmire?? With all due respect Sen Kennedy, the only quagmire exists within these hearings and you are primarily responsible. When are you going to resign?

"I still can't bring myself to say the words ... French Fries."

I should have named that bridge after him like he asked!

"And I would have got away with it too, if it wasn't for them pesky bloggers..."

"shoot! I just lost the bet."

"Dang, that piece of Durbin's ass just won't come out of there! I wonder if Cheney brought some floss..."

all right, its in, now pull it out slowly

Update: Winners announced (follow link to find out who won). Comments to this post are now closed.