Do you like mid-day quickies in the rain? (Wizbang)

The other day at work, one of my colleagues happened to comment on the Muzak channel -- it was tuned to the Schlocky 70's Station. Unfortunately, he approved of that.

He challenged me to name the Schlockiest 70's Song I could. I did, and he spoke at the exact same time.

The effect was ruined by our naming different songs. I cited "The Pina Colada Song," while he endorsed "Afternoon Delight." He then wanted to debate the issue, but I declined -- I thought they were both horrific, and prolonged contemplation of either, let alone both, would end with me driving ballpoint pens through my ears.

Shortly thereafter, just to mock me, "The Pina Colada Song" (yes, I know the proper title is "Escape," but everyone knows it as "The Pina Colada Song," or more often, "That goddamned Pina Colada Song") came over the office speakers. My colleague cursed us.

There may soon be an opening at my workplace. Two, if they figure out that I'm the one that killed him.

But in the meantime, what's your choice for schlockiest 70's song? The Pina Colada Song? Afternoon Delight? The Night Chicago Died? Muskrat Love?

Comments (100)

What about "She's Having My... (Below threshold)

1. Posted by joe | November 22, 2005 5:04 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

joe:

What about "She's Having My Baby," by Paul Anka?

Yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.

Posted on November 22, 2005 05:04

you're not digging deep eno... (Below threshold)

2. Posted by moflicky | November 22, 2005 5:47 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

moflicky:

you're not digging deep enough. these three are infinately schlockier than either of your suggestions.

brown eyes blue (blew?)
you light up my life.
torn between two lovers

in the future, research your topic before offering lame answers

;)

Posted on November 22, 2005 05:47

Loving You - Minnie Rippert... (Below threshold)

3. Posted by Rodney Dill | November 22, 2005 6:10 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Rodney Dill:

Loving You - Minnie Ripperton, except when it was played during the one football commercial.

I don't think the Night Chicago Died is quite in the same category as the others.

For some reason I couldn't place Escape, until I googled it, but leave it on the list

Posted on November 22, 2005 06:10

lovin' you is easy 'cause y... (Below threshold)

4. Posted by bc | November 22, 2005 6:13 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

bc:

lovin' you is easy 'cause you're beautiful... la la la la laaaa... la la la la laaaa

Posted on November 22, 2005 06:13

"Midnight at the Oasis." W... (Below threshold)

5. Posted by goddessoftheclassroom | November 22, 2005 6:19 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

goddessoftheclassroom:

"Midnight at the Oasis." Where do I pick up my prize?

Posted on November 22, 2005 06:19

How 'bout "Feelings". I on... (Below threshold)

6. Posted by El-ahrairah | November 22, 2005 6:26 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

El-ahrairah:

How 'bout "Feelings". I once saw a whole episode of the Gong Show where every contestant sang or tried to sing this song.

Posted on November 22, 2005 06:26

You and your coworker hit o... (Below threshold)

7. Posted by Just Me | November 22, 2005 6:48 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Just Me:

You and your coworker hit on the real problem-it is hard to name just one.

I think Afternoon Delight edges the Pina Colada song, but only slightly.

I would also have to add MacArthur Park (um does anyone think writing a song about leaving a cake in the rain is really good song material?).

Oh, and if Atlantis was written in the 70's (although I think Donovan was more 60's than 70's, but can't remember for certain) that one should make the list-I think you have to be stoned to like that one.

And can we just include the whole Disco genre?

Posted on November 22, 2005 06:48

Phil-I-Del-Phia FREEDOM! Or... (Below threshold)

8. Posted by Cybrludite | November 22, 2005 7:43 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Cybrludite:

Phil-I-Del-Phia FREEDOM! Or any of Sir Elton's songs where he's claiming to be a streetwise juvie delinquent who rumbles with switchblades.

Posted on November 22, 2005 07:43

Well, I have a confession g... (Below threshold)

9. Posted by DaveD | November 22, 2005 7:51 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

DaveD:

Well, I have a confession goddess, I actually like Midnight At The Oasis.

Posted on November 22, 2005 07:51

What about "Billy, Don't Be... (Below threshold)

10. Posted by Jim Armstrong | November 22, 2005 7:58 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Jim Armstrong:

What about "Billy, Don't Be a Hero"? Doesn't just the mention of this "song" make you want to go back in time and slap the DJ who first played this monstrosity? Oh, the humanity!

Posted on November 22, 2005 07:58

Seasons in the Sun - Terry ... (Below threshold)

11. Posted by oldowan | November 22, 2005 8:12 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

oldowan:

Seasons in the Sun - Terry Jacks

Posted on November 22, 2005 08:12

The problem with a contest ... (Below threshold)

12. Posted by Dana | November 22, 2005 8:20 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Dana:

The problem with a contest such as this is that now, for the rest of the day, one of these songs will be running through my head. UUUUUUUGGHHHHH! MAKE IT STOP.

Posted on November 22, 2005 08:20

Why does everyone hate on t... (Below threshold)

13. Posted by BlogDog | November 22, 2005 8:25 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

BlogDog:

Why does everyone hate on the Starland Vocal Band so hard? "Afternoon Delight" was pop fluff but it didn't pretend to be any more than it was.
And let me tell you something - SVB had real talent. Their lead singer tore the head of the song "Maybe" and their version of "Why Do Fools Fall In Love" kicked the butt of the Diana Ross version.

Posted on November 22, 2005 08:25

I, too, must confess I like... (Below threshold)

14. Posted by Victor | November 22, 2005 8:31 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Victor:

I, too, must confess I like "Midnight at the Oasis," as well as "Afternoon Delight" (the dirtiest clean song--or is that cleanest dirty song?--I've ever heard.

My vote for just one (and not to flog a dead horse, but it's definitely impossible to pick just one) would be "MacArthur Park"...any version of that crappy song.

Posted on November 22, 2005 08:31

Though not a 70's song, the... (Below threshold)

15. Posted by DJ | November 22, 2005 8:36 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

DJ:

Though not a 70's song, the one that if I hear in the morning that will stick with me for a week, is 1981's hit by Joe Scarbury, the Greatest American Hero.. gawd, its playing in my head just by thinking about it.. arrggh.

70's songs, anything by the BeeGees... or Peaches & Herb's '79 hit Reunited.

Posted on November 22, 2005 08:36

Do you know the way to San ... (Below threshold)

16. Posted by mark m | November 22, 2005 8:36 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

mark m:

Do you know the way to San Jose...Dionne Warwick. Bralffff.

"She ran calling Wiiiild Fi... (Below threshold)

17. Posted by Stephen Macklin | November 22, 2005 8:47 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Stephen Macklin:

"She ran calling Wiiiild Fire...

Posted on November 22, 2005 08:47

18. Posted by Stephen Macklin | November 22, 2005 8:47 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Puppy Love by Donnie Osmond... (Below threshold)

19. Posted by bullwinkle | November 22, 2005 8:51 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

bullwinkle:

Puppy Love by Donnie Osmond. It still nearly makes me puke when I hear it.

Posted on November 22, 2005 08:51

WARNING! Projectile vomitin... (Below threshold)

20. Posted by bobdog | November 22, 2005 8:57 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

bobdog:

WARNING! Projectile vomiting alert.

Yum-mee yum-mee yum-mee
I've got love in my tum-mee
and

Ogod. Somebody hold my hair back.

Posted on November 22, 2005 08:57

Jim Armstrong up there pick... (Below threshold)

21. Posted by D. Carter | November 22, 2005 9:38 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

D. Carter:

Jim Armstrong up there picked the one I was thinking of: "Billy, Don't Be a Hero". Of course, "Afternoon Delight" is just about equally revolting. The song that really makes me want to reach for a revolver is "Dream Weaver", but I can't remember if that's from the 70's, or if it's 70's-style residual schlock that spilled over into the 80's. "Midnight at the Oasis" is more of a soft jazz tune than a commercial pop ballad, and I'm willing to cut Maria Muldaur some slack because of her rousing "I'm a Woman" shouter. Oh, and one more thing: Cybrludite makes an excellent point about Elton John; I don't know if "Benny and the Jets" was recorded in the 70's or not, but it's one of those songs that makes me want to rip the radio out of the dash and toss it out the window - shabby technique, plodding melody, and the absurd vocal posturing (who does the guy think he is, Joe Turner?).

Posted on November 22, 2005 09:38

Someone left the cake out i... (Below threshold)

22. Posted by Bostonian | November 22, 2005 9:55 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Bostonian:

Someone left the cake out in the rain
I don't think that I can take it
'Cause it took so long to bake it
And I'll never have that recipe agaiiiiiiin
(key change)AGAIIIIIIINNNNN

Do I win?

Posted on November 22, 2005 09:55

HEART-ACHE BY BONNIE TYLER.... (Below threshold)

23. Posted by oliver bush | November 22, 2005 10:05 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

oliver bush:

HEART-ACHE BY BONNIE TYLER.

Posted on November 22, 2005 10:05

"Heaven on the Seventh Floo... (Below threshold)

24. Posted by OregonMuse | November 22, 2005 10:15 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

OregonMuse:

"Heaven on the Seventh Floor" by some group whose name I have mercifully forgotten, and wish it to remain that way.

One word: Ugh.

Posted on November 22, 2005 10:15

I really can't believe that... (Below threshold)

25. Posted by cirby | November 22, 2005 10:24 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

cirby:

I really can't believe that nobody has mentioned the ultimate 70s song.

"Love Will Keep Us Together."

Captain and Tennille. Co-written by Neil Sedaka, who called it "the most perfect pop song."

Won the Grammy in 1975. Sold a million or so copies.

Posted on November 22, 2005 10:24

Whenever "Lovin' You" was o... (Below threshold)

26. Posted by McGehee | November 22, 2005 10:25 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

McGehee:

Whenever "Lovin' You" was on, there was one point in the song where all the neighborhood dogs started barking. And sometimes a window would break.

What was up with that, anyway?

"She ran calling Wiiiild Fire..."

AAAUUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!

And the thing is, years later I have forgiven Michael Martin Murphey because now he does cowboy songs.

Posted on November 22, 2005 10:25

"Timothy", a charming song ... (Below threshold)

27. Posted by joe | November 22, 2005 10:30 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

"Timothy", a charming song about a mining accident and cannibalism.

Too bad "Total Eclipse of the Heart" was in the early 80s or it would be on the list.

"Turn around, bright eyes (Every now and then.....)"

Posted on November 22, 2005 10:30

Years ago the Circle Jerks ... (Below threshold)

28. Posted by Ian | November 22, 2005 11:06 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Ian:

Years ago the Circle Jerks did a "song" called "Golden Shower of Hits" where they strung - in true punk rock style - a montage of crappy song bits together. Many of the songs suggested in this thread are among them: "D-I-V-O-R-C-E", "Close to you" among them too.

Posted on November 22, 2005 11:06

I agree with McGehee --- Lo... (Below threshold)

29. Posted by wavemaker | November 22, 2005 11:09 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

wavemaker:

I agree with McGehee --- Lovin You was stomach-turning (in fact, everyt hing Olivia Newton-John did was).

Afternoon Delight was pretty sick too, but you can't argue with the truth of the message.

And I liked Midnight too!

Posted on November 22, 2005 11:09

I don't know if schloky is ... (Below threshold)

30. Posted by Doug | November 22, 2005 11:09 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Doug:

I don't know if schloky is the right term or not, but CONVOY was pretty terrible.Disco Duck was just as bad.

Of course, there's the subc... (Below threshold)

31. Posted by cmd | November 22, 2005 11:22 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

cmd:

Of course, there's the subcategory of "good schlock" versus "bad schlock." Bad schlock is just bad, like Jim Stafford's Spiders and Snakes ('and that ain't what it takes to love me. . .oooh-ooh!") or Melanie's Brand New Key. Good schlock is stuff you sing along with lustily at the top of your lungs, even though you know the song is awful - like Venus by Shocking Blue, or the granddaddy of them all, Blue Swede's Hooked on a Feelin'.

Come on, you know the immortal words to this timeless classic - "OOGA CHAKA, OOGA-OOGA-OOGA CHAKA, OOGA-OOGA-OOGA-CHAKA. . ."

Posted on November 22, 2005 11:22

Sundown - was just creepy. ... (Below threshold)

32. Posted by Dwayne "the canoe guy" | November 22, 2005 12:23 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Dwayne "the canoe guy":

Sundown - was just creepy. "Sundown you better take if I find you been creepin round my back stair" What the hell did THAT mean???

Somebodys Knockin - by the blind C&W chick

You can eat crackers in my Bed - Barbara Mandrell. BARF!!!!!!! I'm assuming that crackers was not the name of her 'cat'

Posted on November 22, 2005 12:23

Anything by Al Stewart. St... (Below threshold)

33. Posted by Robb | November 22, 2005 12:25 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Robb:

Anything by Al Stewart. Start with "Time Passages" and go from there.

Posted on November 22, 2005 12:25

Oh come on! The Pina Colada... (Below threshold)

34. Posted by MrO | November 22, 2005 12:28 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

MrO:

Oh come on! The Pina Colada Song (Escape) is perhaps the best song ever :) It's my freakin' theme song :)

LOL goddessoftheclassroom - Midnight At the Oasis - yup with timeless lines like "Send your camel to bed" that's gotta be the shlockiest. :)

Posted on November 22, 2005 12:28

Many "good" candidates, but... (Below threshold)

35. Posted by Dr B. | November 22, 2005 1:03 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Dr B.:

Many "good" candidates, but I'm surprised no one remembered the two most insipid of all- Tie a Yellow Ribbon and Rain Drops Keep Fallin on My Head. And then there is the (dis)honorable mention for worst shameless erzatz ripoff of the R and B style, Rockin Pneumonia and Boogie Woogie Blues. OK, now that all that stuff is playing on my mental tape recorder, will someone, anyone, please, shoot me now?

Posted on November 22, 2005 13:03

Geez, I kinda like The N... (Below threshold)

36. Posted by JP | November 22, 2005 1:11 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

JP:

Geez, I kinda like The Night Chicago Died.

Posted on November 22, 2005 13:11

I’ve got to vote for “Disco... (Below threshold)

37. Posted by jmaster | November 22, 2005 1:13 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

jmaster:

I’ve got to vote for “Disco Duck” too.

The song is bad enough on its own merits. But it was truly the schlock gift that kept on giving us schlock.

That song launched Rick Dees, and we’ve had to suffer through his other schlock for about 30 years now.

Posted on November 22, 2005 13:13

Disco songs shouldn't count... (Below threshold)

38. Posted by Eno | November 22, 2005 1:34 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Eno:

Disco songs shouldn't count. Clearly the worst song of all time is "Muskrat Love"; especially the keyboard "solo" of the little rats giggling. Everyone on this thread has mentioned some really fantastic work (no one mentioned "Playground in my Mind" by Clint ?? "My name is Michael, I've got a ....)

But "muskrat Suzy and Sam", C'mon!

Posted on November 22, 2005 13:34

39. Posted by Eno | November 22, 2005 1:34 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Top 5 Worst 70s songs (no p... (Below threshold)

40. Posted by Peter F. | November 22, 2005 2:02 PM | Score: 0 (

Do you like mid-day quickies in the rain?

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Comments (100)