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Wizbang Weekend Caption Contest™

It's Friday, which means it's time for the Wizbang Weekend Caption Contest™. Enter your best caption for the following picture:

Mark Zuckerman, center, gathers his workers for a last minute pep talk at 5: 30 a.m., just before opening the doors for early morning Black Friday shoppers at the Target in Cherry Hill, N.J., Friday, Nov. 25, 2005. (AP Photo/ Jose F. Moreno)


Winners will be announced Sunday evening.


Update: Winners announced (click the link to read the winning entries). The contest is now closed.


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Comments (109)

now put your left foot in..... (Below threshold)
billburz:

now put your left foot in......

walmart doing its annual ho... (Below threshold)
billburz:

walmart doing its annual hokey-pokey training session.

Just because we're all red ... (Below threshold)
epador:

Just because we're all red dhirted doesn't mean we can't sell, sell, sell. Go ring one up for the Gipper!

"Don't shoot! Your sister m... (Below threshold)
Xyba:

"Don't shoot! Your sister made me do it"

"O.K., everyone line up for... (Below threshold)

"O.K., everyone line up for the egg toss!"

It's Target. No... It's Tar... (Below threshold)

It's Target. No... It's Targét.
Target. Targét.
You wanna piece of me?!

Stephanie, having just fini... (Below threshold)

Stephanie, having just finished watching the Postman three times in a row on a dare, challenges Colonel Zuckermann to a fight for control of the clan!

Target begins the Annual ru... (Below threshold)
sanity:

Target begins the Annual running of the shoplifters...

The first rule of black Fri... (Below threshold)
zach:

The first rule of black Friday is, you do not talk about black Friday!

"Tar-GET!!""Tar-Jea!... (Below threshold)

"Tar-GET!!"
"Tar-Jea!!"
"TAR-GET!!!!"
"TAR-JEA!!!"

The battle rages on.

Amid rumors that Salvation ... (Below threshold)
Lew Clark:

Amid rumors that Salvation Army commandoes were planning an attack to reclaim lost territory in front of the Target doors, Colonel Grinch fires up the Target Red Army troops before they take defensive positions.

Red States are on an all ou... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

Red States are on an all out media blitz for your vote.

"Don't you think this guy's... (Below threshold)
rick13:

"Don't you think this guy's over doing it a bit!"

"Take off that shirt! You'... (Below threshold)
Bill Stock:

"Take off that shirt! You're a Democrat!

IT'S RED FRIDAY! Now let's... (Below threshold)
Dave:

IT'S RED FRIDAY! Now let's go motivate the republicans in congress to act like republicans, not democrats....... YEEEEEHAAAAA!!!!!

"Developers, developers, de... (Below threshold)
JimK:

"Developers, developers, developers developers! DEVELOPERS, DEVELOPERS, DEVELOPERS, DEVELOPERS!"

Don't make me Tazer you Ms.... (Below threshold)
sentinel:

Don't make me Tazer you Ms. O'Donnell.

I said we were out of bon-bons and that's final.

I know a lot of you are thi... (Below threshold)
Guido:

I know a lot of you are thinking to yourselves, "Will I panic and freeze up under the pressure of the great Black Friday stampede?" Don't worry about that. When you realize that the "cleanup on aisle 3" is not jam, but is instead a pile of goo that 10 minutes ago was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do. And years from now, when your grandson is on your knee and asking "what did you do during the great Black Friday?" Well, you won't have to say, "Your Granddaddy shovelled shit at Walmart!" No sir, you can look him straight in the eye and say, "Son, your Granddaddy was a cashier at Target!"
Now that you sons of bitches know where I stand....open the doors.

"You want a piece of me !?!... (Below threshold)
U.P. Man:

"You want a piece of me !?! Brother when I'm through with you I WILL BE THE MAN.....WOOOOOH !!"

Joe found the Target simula... (Below threshold)
FreakyBoy:

Joe found the Target simulated consumer anger drills fun and very helpful on days when only cashier #12 would be open.

I SAID HAPPY *#[email protected]!(! HOLIDA... (Below threshold)

I SAID HAPPY *#[email protected]!(! HOLIDAYS!

Bill Cowher prepares for li... (Below threshold)
Guido:

Bill Cowher prepares for life after football, in the likely event that the Pittsburgh Steelers lose another AFC title game at home.

The two top contenders for ... (Below threshold)

The two top contenders for employee of the year face off in the annual death match.

Al Gore finds proof of a se... (Below threshold)

Al Gore finds proof of a sectret meeting of much feared digital brownshirts.

"... And we're gonna sell t... (Below threshold)
Johnd01:

"... And we're gonna sell toasters, and we're gonna sell Game Boys, and we're gonna sell sweatpants... and we're gonna go all the way to the White Sale!... Yeeeeeahhh!

Al Gore finds proof of a se... (Below threshold)

Al Gore finds proof of a secret meeting of the much feared digital brown pants.

'Well, ladies and gentlemen... (Below threshold)

'Well, ladies and gentlemen, I haven't a thing to say.

Played a great game -- all of you. Great game.

I guess we just can't expect to win ‘em all.

I'm going to tell you something I've kept to myself for years. None of you ever knew George Gipp. It was long before your time. But you all know what a tradition he is at Target.

And the last thing he said to me, "Rock," he said, "sometime, when the team is up against it, and the breaks are beating the boys, tell 'em to go out there with all they got and win just one for the Gipper."

"I don't know where I'll be then, Rock", he said, "but I'll know about it; and I'll be happy."

Alright. Those doors are opening in 5 minutes. Let's go out there and win one for the Gipper!'

"And if I hear even ONE per... (Below threshold)

"And if I hear even ONE person say Merry Christmas, it's back to secular, sensivity training films and bathroom detail for you!!"

(I can think of a great cap... (Below threshold)
-S-:

(I can think of a great caption but it's, unfortunately for the pubishing world, 'x' rated [think: location], and thus, it shall remain unpublished out of fear of bans and a tarnished reputation.)

I'll try to think of something else as I have my cold turkey sandwich breakfast.

Any time there's a question... (Below threshold)

Any time there's a question about scanner accuracy you say this to the customer: "I know what you're thinking. "Did she charge me six times or only five?" Well, to tell you the truth, in all this excitement I kind of lost track myself. But being as this is a Sharp XE-A201 Electronic Cash Register, the most powerful cash register in the world, and could blow a hole in your checking account you can drive three shopping carts through side by side, you've got to ask yourself a question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?..." That shuts the old biddies up every time.

"Two go in--One comes out! ... (Below threshold)
Dale:

"Two go in--One comes out! Two go in--One comes out!"

Better Dead Than Red.... (Below threshold)
Norm:

Better Dead Than Red.

And REMEMBER we're not OUT ... (Below threshold)

And REMEMBER we're not OUT of ANYTHING! The proper phrase is, "We have more in the back, let me get one for you." Then disappear. Then YOU look like the asshole, not the store.

or

I said HIT ME!

And Crispin Crispian shall ne’... (Below threshold)
And Crispin Crispian shall ne’er go by, From this day to the ending of the world, But we in it shall be remember’d; We few, we happy few, we band of brothers; For he to-day that sheds his blood with me Shall be my brother; be he ne’er so vile, This day shall gentle his condition: And gentlemen in England now a-bed Shall think themselves accursed they were not here, And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks That fought with us upon Saint Crispin’s day.

Shakespeare, Henry V

Now, let's go out there and... (Below threshold)
Joe:

Now, let's go out there and show those blue-states how we red-state people kick ass!

In the an action, repeating... (Below threshold)
stan25:

In the an action, repeating the famous Bobby Knight chair throwing incident, Bill harangues the troops to sell! sell! sell!

Canadians only speculate ab... (Below threshold)
JAT0:

Canadians only speculate about aliens, while here in the United States, we have an entire company of actual aliens from the red-sun planet "Targonite" living in New Jersey.

Seen in this secret photo (insert photo) doing their bizarre “right-of-the-shopper” drill. Tech sergeant Chath Lhizah Zey, (a.k.a. Mark Zuckerman) is seen here leading the drill.

Whaddya mean you don't wann... (Below threshold)
DaveD:

Whaddya mean you don't wanna be the one to go unlock the front doors!!!!!

This isn't Walmart! We will... (Below threshold)
Don:

This isn't Walmart! We will say "HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS"

Damn it, I know that more o... (Below threshold)
JAT0:

Damn it, I know that more of you voted for Kerry than just Susy May, so step forward before I have a real hissy-fit!

or

I'm singing in the isle
Just singing in the isle
What a glorious feeling
I'm happy again!

I'm laughing at crowds
Those hordes from above
'Cause the sun's in my heart
And I'm ready for love

Let the storming crowds chase
Everyone from the place
Come on in with the cash
I've a smile on my face

I'll walk down the isle
With a happy refrain
'Cause I'm singing
Just singing in the isle!

Target: Thunderdome... (Below threshold)

Target: Thunderdome

There once was a man from Y... (Below threshold)
robert:

There once was a man from York,
Well known by the nickname of dork,
But lately his razzle,
Had so failed to dazzle,
They filled up his pie hole with cork.

Ernie had been robbed of th... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

Ernie had been robbed of the coveted employee of the month parking spot for the last time, this time Barcode Betty was goin' down.

"...And for the last time y... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

"...And for the last time you don't ever wish the customer an MFC!"

Now listen, you, you're an ... (Below threshold)
bboxum:

Now listen, you, you're an elf and elves make toys. Now get to work.

Look, I don't care how busy... (Below threshold)
Brian Coe:

Look, I don't care how busy it is! This is Target, and register 12 is the only one we're going to open!

Mark Zuckerman, doomed to b... (Below threshold)

Mark Zuckerman, doomed to be forever mentioned in snickering tones in the break room as "Brownie", is seen in this rare photographic evidence of someone so excited, he actually sh-t himself.

"You want the vermouth!? YO... (Below threshold)

"You want the vermouth!? YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE VERMOUTH!!!"

The Postmaster General had ... (Below threshold)

The Postmaster General had reason to be glad this holiday season, as "going postal" was finally replaced with "going Target."

Let's put our hands togethe... (Below threshold)
Marty:

Let's put our hands together for Suzie, after 29 years of un-blemished sevice with the company, she now qualifies for company health care.

Isle 12 will be the only is... (Below threshold)
Taz:

Isle 12 will be the only isle open all weekend & I mean it. This will be the slowest Target sales weekend in this branches history! Aaarrrrgggghhh!

I'm sorry Mary you knew thi... (Below threshold)
DaveD:

I'm sorry Mary you knew this could happen when we hired you as a temp. You drew the shortest straw. So get over behind the electronics counter and get ready to cell those Xboxes!

"Now damn it, I don’t to he... (Below threshold)
stan25:

"Now damn it, I don’t to hear that the Salvation Army has filed a lawsuit against us. We got rid of them last year and we are not going to take this lying down." "Jack, you had better get on the horn and get the ACLU to help us on this."

When Gladys sent her hubby ... (Below threshold)
McCain:

When Gladys sent her hubby to the store for 1 last thing, little did she envision the scene that soon unfolded...

"YOU SAID THE SALZA WAS ON AISLE 15 YOU FREAKING TWIT! GET YO LUMPY LAZY ASS OVER THERE AND HAND IT TO ME!"

Nah, nah, nah, nah, I've go... (Below threshold)

Nah, nah, nah, nah, I've got health insurance and you don't, beotch!"

Who forgot the Santa's Elve... (Below threshold)
RadicalMan:

Who forgot the Santa's Elves caps?

" Triage the tramppled cust... (Below threshold)

" Triage the tramppled customers on isle #12! "

" I can shake my leg like E... (Below threshold)

" I can shake my leg like Elvis and catch credit cards in my mouth!"

Bobby Knight goes Retail...... (Below threshold)

Bobby Knight goes Retail...

"Yeah? I've got 14... (Below threshold)
c:

"Yeah?

I've got 14 -- (count 'em, 14) -- high-powered consultants who say OSM is a slam dunk."

Target holiday conflict res... (Below threshold)
jeff:

Target holiday conflict resolution class!

Further proof: white men ca... (Below threshold)
Nan:

Further proof: white men can't dance.

The Festivus Shopping Seaso... (Below threshold)
george:

The Festivus Shopping Season begins with the traditional "airing of grievances".

Target employees' impassion... (Below threshold)

Target employees' impassioned, impromptu performance of Riverdance prior to opening the store on Black Friday was surprisingly well received.

"...And gentlemen in Eng... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

"...And gentlemen in England now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day."

This is how you trip the fi... (Below threshold)
Faith+1:

This is how you trip the first old lady in the crowd. It'll be bad press for day or two but corporate considers that free advertising. Just tell the reporters she was going for one of the many X-Box 360s we have on sale...

Target employees enjoy a mo... (Below threshold)
elvis:

Target employees enjoy a moment of levity contemplating 1000's of stampeding consumers competing for one or two loss leaders.

Alright, now lady, pretend ... (Below threshold)

Alright, now lady, pretend that I'm a bell ringer trying to set up outside and show me how'd you attack!

after seeing bob's amazing ... (Below threshold)
ryan:

after seeing bob's amazing poppin and lockin skills, linda was hesitant to even attenpt the helicopter at the annual target break dancing competition.

"attempt" that is.... (Below threshold)
ryan:

"attempt" that is.

"Why am I freaking out? Why... (Below threshold)
Hamish:

"Why am I freaking out? Why the hell aren't all of you freaking out? Don't any of you watch Star Trek? Don't you know what happens to people in red shirts?"

Doing Dean Howard impersona... (Below threshold)
Brent Busch:

Doing Dean Howard impersonation: "Yeaaaaarghhhh"

dammit, I meant Howard Dean... (Below threshold)
Brent Busch:

dammit, I meant Howard Dean..ugh

Oh, yeah? Well, I self-iden... (Below threshold)

Oh, yeah? Well, I self-identify as a woman, and I'll use whichever restroom I damn well please!

That's all you got? Christ,... (Below threshold)

That's all you got? Christ, even my man-boobs are bigger than those?

When the music stops, last ... (Below threshold)

When the music stops, last one to register 12 WORKS FOR SEARS!

To defend the Earth, you mu... (Below threshold)
chad:

To defend the Earth, you must engage in MORTAL KOMBAT!!! Dunh Dunh Duh

Trekkies, welcome. Now we a... (Below threshold)

Trekkies, welcome. Now we all know the role of the red shirt is to die horribly before the first commercial break, usually off camera but sometimes while clumsily trying to back away and scream at the same time...like this!

War-ee-uhs, come out and pl... (Below threshold)

War-ee-uhs, come out and play...

Management was beginning to... (Below threshold)

Management was beginning to regret their decision to hire the mentally-handicapped.

"Niagara Falls! Slowly I t... (Below threshold)
Joel:

"Niagara Falls! Slowly I turned, step by step, inch by inch...."

What... you're crying...the... (Below threshold)
La Mano:

What... you're crying...there's no crying in Target...there's no
crying in TARGET!

Although they all hate him,... (Below threshold)

Although they all hate him, his well-timed fart manages to bring a smile to the degrading pep talk.

While the staff of the loca... (Below threshold)
Jim:

While the staff of the local Targhetto gears up for another holiday season. Managers argue over who's dept will have the first in-store fight.

Despite the long line of pa... (Below threshold)
Faith+1:

Despite the long line of patrons waiting to check out the manager refused the pleas of the woman to open another register besides number 12...

Showdown at the Target Cart... (Below threshold)

Showdown at the Target Cart Corral!

Shall we dance?... (Below threshold)
Julie:

Shall we dance?

After fending off all chall... (Below threshold)

After fending off all challengers, the Alpha male begins a rapid clucking, head bobbing and limb extensions ritual...the cycle of life continues.

Although they look like Ala... (Below threshold)
Maggie:

Although they look like Alabama cheerleaders, Wal-mart workers had no idea "The Crimson Tide" would be the blood of shoppers spattered on the store floor.

Manager to Employee: "No, y... (Below threshold)

Manager to Employee: "No, you can't transfer to Pamplona, even if the bulls there are safer to deal with."

In an ill advised effort no... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

In an ill advised effort not to be outdone by, Wal-Mart, the current #1 seller of K-Y Lotions and Lubricants, Target attempts to stem the tide with product demonstrations.

"Wal-Mart? Only two things... (Below threshold)

"Wal-Mart? Only two things come out of Wal-Mart...!"

"Are you talking to ... (Below threshold)
jack rudd:


"Are you talking to me?
Are you talking to ME?"

The first rule of Target Fi... (Below threshold)
Bandon in Baton Rouge:

The first rule of Target Fight Club is that you do not talk about Target Fight Club.

The second rule of Target Fight Club is that you DO NOT TALK ABOUT Target Fight Club!

Now remember people, no mat... (Below threshold)
leap_frog:

Now remember people, no matter how desperate, tired, abused or confused you become, you do not, and I repeat, do not scream at the shoppers "go to hell and take your devil spawned monsters with you" ok? You hear me back there? Don't need another repeat of last year. OK Everyone?! Good BIG Smiles now everyone.

Bill O'Reilly tries a new c... (Below threshold)

Bill O'Reilly tries a new career.

"When you feel you just can... (Below threshold)
Tish:

"When you feel you just can't do another price check, you MAKE yourself go on!! I don't care if you have to hobble through the aisles like this!!"

Sporting a giant boner, Mr.... (Below threshold)
Todd:

Sporting a giant boner, Mr. Zuckerman limps towards Carmella, the lucky checker from register #12…

"You lousy bitch! Are you d... (Below threshold)
Charles V:

"You lousy bitch! Are you deaf? Are you dumb? I ordered a vodka martini shaken not stirred!" employee and checker Mark Rasdale screamed at a recent employee/customer confrontation and tactics seminar at the Target store on Fargo street.

"What do mean you forgot to... (Below threshold)

"What do mean you forgot to order Xbox 360's!!?"

The Matrix IV:Neo Goes to T... (Below threshold)

The Matrix IV:Neo Goes to Target tanked at the box office...

Middle aged hommes really s... (Below threshold)
Spike:

Middle aged hommes really should'nt try 'getting down' to Funky Cold Medina.

Bob finally breaks under ca... (Below threshold)
Anna:

Bob finally breaks under cashier competition pressure and yells:
"I switched all your bar codes!...Mwahahahahahaha!"

To a bemused crowd, Joey Ru... (Below threshold)

To a bemused crowd, Joey Rudolph declared that this year, oh yes, he would be playing in the Reindeer Games.

"I know you are, but what a... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

"I know you are, but what am I?"
"I know you are, but what am I?"
"I know you are, but what am I?"
"I know you are, but what am I?"
"I know you are, but what am I?"
"I know you are, but what am I?"
"I know you ..."
(ad infinitum)

Date: Nov. 8, 2006... (Below threshold)
Cagey Patent Attorney:

Date: Nov. 8, 2006

Shortly after the Democrat's failure in the mid-term elections, DNC delegates encircle a now balding Howard Dean to begin the execution. However, after realizing that the DNC does not support guns AND bullets, the delegates followed the sage advice of former Senator Zell Miller (D-GA) and broke out the "Zell Miller Spit-Ballz®" - guaranteed to deliver that emotional punishment you so desire.

Well, everyone, I'm wearing... (Below threshold)

Well, everyone, I'm wearing blue tomorrow. Hear Me? BLUE! BLUUUEE! (Thought bubble, I am SO wearing green tomorrow)

Ok people, the store is jus... (Below threshold)

Ok people, the store is just about to open, so let's ALL be ready to go on break in 30 minutes!

Update: <... (Below threshold)

Update: Winners announced (click the link to read the winning entries). The contest is now closed.




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