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Best. Fortune-Cookie. Ever.

This one is priceless.

You are about to be $8.95 poorer.
(6.95 if you had the buffet.)

You're welcome to try and beat it in the comments but it will be an uphill battle.


Comments (67)

"Help, I'm caught in a fort... (Below threshold)
Lyn:

"Help, I'm caught in a fortune cookie factory."

from Lyn at Bloggin' Outloud where we have a Christmas Caption Contest going on right now!

You will be experiencing gr... (Below threshold)

You will be experiencing great hunger very soon.

That lump is cancer.<... (Below threshold)
JeremyB:

That lump is cancer.

From Penn & Teller's How to Play With Your Food.

"I am indeed imprisoned in ... (Below threshold)

"I am indeed imprisoned in a Chinese fortune-cookie factory, but have you pondered the subtle cognitive snares in which you yourself may be trapped?"

(James Morrow)

Hecho en Mexico.... (Below threshold)

Hecho en Mexico.

Not a cookie insert but a s... (Below threshold)

Not a cookie insert but a snip from the Simpsons when Homer started writing for fortune cookies:

A Woody Allen looking character: "He writes like a young me."
Asian character: "Yong Mi was a HACK compared to him!"

"In five minutes you will w... (Below threshold)
cmd:

"In five minutes you will wish the men's room were closer to your table."

"That wasn't chicken."... (Below threshold)
arb:

"That wasn't chicken."

Around the time my wife and... (Below threshold)
Wright:

Around the time my wife and I met:
"You will meet a man named Wright. He is often wrong"

Confuse'ed Murtha say,<br /... (Below threshold)
scrub_oak:

Confuse'ed Murtha say,
To avoid the buffet quagmire, redeploy to Café De Retraite.

Your date has Herpes... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

Your date has Herpes

"The testimony of a small c... (Below threshold)

"The testimony of a small child will get you a stiff prison sentence."

Tee-hee-hee!! This sort of... (Below threshold)
Omni:

Tee-hee-hee!! This sort of thing makes you wonder why nearly all comics are liberals!!

(Click here if you dare)

Sam Bernstein, Lawyer, (###... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

Sam Bernstein, Lawyer, (###) ###-####

This is one of Johnny Carso... (Below threshold)

This is one of Johnny Carson's Carnack jokes, but it sounds sort of like a fortune cookie:

"May a weird customs inspector find a secret compartment in your sister."

My favorite (I still carry ... (Below threshold)
NCDawg:

My favorite (I still carry it around in my wallet):

"Some men dream of fortunes, others dream of cookies."

Your stupidity is your wors... (Below threshold)
Jeff:

Your stupidity is your worst enemy

For all of you that are usi... (Below threshold)
Dave in San Diego:

For all of you that are using the fortune cookie prisoner theme, please remember that the late Alan King was using that 40 to 50 years ago.

. ... (Below threshold)

. .

He who read message inside ... (Below threshold)

He who read message inside cookie destined to lose fortune.

I actually got this one sev... (Below threshold)
Scott:

I actually got this one several years ago

"Any plans you make are apt to be final"

Female pilot who fly upside... (Below threshold)
Bungalowlife:

Female pilot who fly upside down sure to have crack-up.

12 14 21 32 45 48 ... (Below threshold)

12 14 21 32 45 48

You will soon be hospitaliz... (Below threshold)
BWS:

You will soon be hospitalized for MSG poisoning

"You like Pineapple"<... (Below threshold)
AngryMe:

"You like Pineapple"

I showed the waitress, and she brought out a huge tray of squared pineapples with toothpicks in them.

Yum!

True story:I took ... (Below threshold)

True story:

I took a young lady (who had been very reluctant to go out with me) on a first date to a Chinese restaurant. After the meal, she broke open her cookie and immediately looked up at me with a very confused, funny look. Her fortune:

He's very flirtatious, but his intentions are noble.

We've been married over ten years now.

I swear my wife got this on... (Below threshold)
Martyr:

I swear my wife got this one once.

"There is no love like self love"

Except that this cookie doe... (Below threshold)
Yogurt:

Except that this cookie doesn't fit the standard I was taught at a tender age. In order for any fortune cookie saying to be complete, you must append the words "in bed" to the end. Try it some time :)

"All your base are belong t... (Below threshold)
sentinel:

"All your base are belong to us!"

Buy More Chinese!... (Below threshold)

Buy More Chinese!

"PUT ME BACK! PUT ME BACK!"... (Below threshold)

"PUT ME BACK! PUT ME BACK!"

Number One Cookie Makes Num... (Below threshold)

Number One Cookie Makes Number Two Quickly!

"Have this fortune printed ... (Below threshold)

"Have this fortune printed on a T-shirt, only $12.99"

"What do you know, that IS ... (Below threshold)

"What do you know, that IS the way the cookie crumbles!"

Mmmmmmmm - Mongol Love Cook... (Below threshold)

Mmmmmmmm - Mongol Love Cookie! But now I have Blazing Saddle!

I didn't wash my hands!... (Below threshold)
tommy:

I didn't wash my hands!

Sure, you found this one, b... (Below threshold)

Sure, you found this one, but I bet you didn't find the one we put in the spring rolls.

You shouldn't have eaten th... (Below threshold)
jc:

You shouldn't have eaten the sweet and sour pork.

I pee'd in your rice.... (Below threshold)
don:

I pee'd in your rice.

I got this one the day I gr... (Below threshold)
Piotr:

I got this one the day I graduated law school. It's framed in my office.

"You would make a good lawyer."

I keep all the fortunes tha... (Below threshold)

I keep all the fortunes that work out especially well "in bed", such as:

A friend is a present you give yourself.

Don't aim down the well when you can shoot at the moon.

If one door closes, another will open.

A gorgeous woman is waiting for you.

Ok, I made that last one up.

Got this one many, many yea... (Below threshold)
JustBill:

Got this one many, many years ago:

The day you were born, a problem was solved.

Still think it's a keeper.

I can beat that easy:... (Below threshold)
Jesse:

I can beat that easy:

arg, pic didn't work...... (Below threshold)
Jesse:

arg, pic didn't work...

"That wasn't chicken"

Picture here: http://homepages.inf.ed.ac.uk/gfursin/humor/images/humor027.jpg

"It's Bush's fault!!... (Below threshold)
lowmal:


"It's Bush's fault!!"

I once got one that said, "... (Below threshold)

I once got one that said, "This person is serious and true and deserving of respect."

I taped it outside my cubicle, but everyone just laughed. It wasn't as vehement a reaction as the time I got one at a company lunch that said, "The person sitting next to you will give you a million dollars", though.

A couple of years ago, I go... (Below threshold)

A couple of years ago, I got one at my favorite Chinese Restaurant that said, "If you are still hungry, eat another fortune cookie."

I wish I had kept it. :_(

"Want to see the special sa... (Below threshold)
Peter F.:

"Want to see the special sauce the chef added to the wok? Kikkoman. $3.99 at your local grocer."

"Do not read this cookie."<... (Below threshold)
Tym:

"Do not read this cookie."

"Confuscious say, man who e... (Below threshold)
Peter F.:

"Confuscious say, man who eat too much rice have no bowel movement."

I got this one in a fortune... (Below threshold)

I got this one in a fortune cookie myself:

"The greatest danger could be your stupidity."

John Kerry's fortune:... (Below threshold)
Peter F.:

John Kerry's fortune:

"Breaking into fortune cookies in the dead of night, reading the fortunes, terrorizing children with the cracking sound made when cookies are opened and, you know, breaking open even more historical fortune cookies, religious fortune cookies. Whether you like it or not... Iraqis should be doing that."

From today's lunch at a buf... (Below threshold)
waveman:

From today's lunch at a buffet near Atlanta...

"The fortune you seek is in another cookie."

"Democrats will not win ... (Below threshold)
Patriccio:

"Democrats will not win back Congress this decade"
(Copyright 1994)

I'll be damned. It still works.

Nuts... (Below threshold)

Nuts

"God hates you"I h... (Below threshold)
Taz:

"God hates you"

I heard that was in a politician's fortune cookie back in the early 90's or late 80's; can anyone help me find a link?

Inspected by No. 6... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

Inspected by No. 6

Idea you going to eat this ... (Below threshold)

Idea you going to eat this cookie, just plain wrong.

Jesus loves you,e... (Below threshold)
SUB HUNTER:


Jesus loves you,everyone else thinks your
a asshole!!!

Here's an actual fortune fr... (Below threshold)
EricR:

Here's an actual fortune from an actual fortune cookie. 10-12 of us are sitting at the big round table and this fortune made it almost all the way around the table 'til someone read it correctly:

"You will be well respected by your pears"

It's still funny as crap every time I remember -- thanks for listening!

EricR

John Kerry's fortune:... (Below threshold)
EricR:

John Kerry's fortune:

"Breaking into fortune cookies in the dead of night, reading the fortunes, terrorizing children with the cracking sound made when cookies are opened and, you know, breaking open even more historical fortune cookies, religious fortune cookies. Whether you like it or not... Iraqis should be doing that."

Posted by: Peter F. at December 16, 2005 05:04 PM

Thanks Peter! Even if I just about choked to death!!!!

"Instructions: (1) Break op... (Below threshold)

"Instructions: (1) Break open cookie. (2) Read fortune. (3) Eat cookie."

"Your gratuity is $8.20. Le... (Below threshold)
Charles V:

"Your gratuity is $8.20. Leave it on the table or you will experience a dreadful calamity soon."

WARNING: Do not eat food un... (Below threshold)
Doug:

WARNING: Do not eat food until reading this important informatio..........

Got this is a restaurant in... (Below threshold)
Carolyn:

Got this is a restaurant in New Orleans, La.:

You need a change. Try Canada.

my personal favorite in bed... (Below threshold)
Jessica S.:

my personal favorite in bed: "When you feel defensive, examine what you fear"(in bed)!

i actually got these and st... (Below threshold)
hmong guy:

i actually got these and still have them saved:
"a good way to stay healthy is to eat more chinese food"
"in some fortune cookies, there are no fortunes"
:)




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