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Best. Fortune-Cookie. Ever.

Posted by Paul
Published: December 16, 2005 - 8:39 AM

This one is priceless.

You are about to be $8.95 poorer.
(6.95 if you had the buffet.)

You're welcome to try and beat it in the comments but it will be an uphill battle.

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Comments (67)

"Help, I'm caught in a fort... (Below threshold)

1. Posted by Lyn | December 16, 2005 8:45 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Lyn:

"Help, I'm caught in a fortune cookie factory."

from Lyn at Bloggin' Outloud where we have a Christmas Caption Contest going on right now!

1. Posted by Lyn | December 16, 2005 8:45 AM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 08:45

You will be experiencing gr... (Below threshold)

2. Posted by Bruce | December 16, 2005 8:51 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Bruce:

You will be experiencing great hunger very soon.

2. Posted by Bruce | December 16, 2005 8:51 AM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 08:51

That lump is cancer.<... (Below threshold)

3. Posted by JeremyB | December 16, 2005 8:54 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
JeremyB:

That lump is cancer.

From Penn & Teller's How to Play With Your Food.

3. Posted by JeremyB | December 16, 2005 8:54 AM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 08:54

"I am indeed imprisoned in ... (Below threshold)

4. Posted by Jeff Harrell | December 16, 2005 9:05 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Jeff Harrell:

"I am indeed imprisoned in a Chinese fortune-cookie factory, but have you pondered the subtle cognitive snares in which you yourself may be trapped?"

(James Morrow)

4. Posted by Jeff Harrell | December 16, 2005 9:05 AM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 09:05

Hecho en Mexico.... (Below threshold)

5. Posted by bullwinkle | December 16, 2005 9:10 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
bullwinkle:

Hecho en Mexico.

5. Posted by bullwinkle | December 16, 2005 9:10 AM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 09:10

Not a cookie insert but a s... (Below threshold)

6. Posted by BlogDog | December 16, 2005 9:13 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
BlogDog:

Not a cookie insert but a snip from the Simpsons when Homer started writing for fortune cookies:

A Woody Allen looking character: "He writes like a young me."
Asian character: "Yong Mi was a HACK compared to him!"

6. Posted by BlogDog | December 16, 2005 9:13 AM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 09:13

"In five minutes you will w... (Below threshold)

7. Posted by cmd | December 16, 2005 9:13 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
cmd:

"In five minutes you will wish the men's room were closer to your table."

7. Posted by cmd | December 16, 2005 9:13 AM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 09:13

"That wasn't chicken."... (Below threshold)

8. Posted by arb | December 16, 2005 9:18 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
arb:

"That wasn't chicken."

8. Posted by arb | December 16, 2005 9:18 AM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 09:18

Around the time my wife and... (Below threshold)

9. Posted by Wright | December 16, 2005 9:25 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Wright:

Around the time my wife and I met:
"You will meet a man named Wright. He is often wrong"

9. Posted by Wright | December 16, 2005 9:25 AM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 09:25

Confuse'ed Murtha say,<br /... (Below threshold)

10. Posted by scrub_oak | December 16, 2005 9:30 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
scrub_oak:

Confuse'ed Murtha say,
To avoid the buffet quagmire, redeploy to Café De Retraite.

10. Posted by scrub_oak | December 16, 2005 9:30 AM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 09:30

Your date has Herpes... (Below threshold)

11. Posted by Rodney Dill | December 16, 2005 9:43 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Rodney Dill:

Your date has Herpes

11. Posted by Rodney Dill | December 16, 2005 9:43 AM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 09:43

"The testimony of a small c... (Below threshold)

12. Posted by OregonMuse | December 16, 2005 9:43 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
OregonMuse:

"The testimony of a small child will get you a stiff prison sentence."

12. Posted by OregonMuse | December 16, 2005 9:43 AM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 09:43

Tee-hee-hee!! This sort of... (Below threshold)

13. Posted by Omni | December 16, 2005 9:44 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Omni:

Tee-hee-hee!! This sort of thing makes you wonder why nearly all comics are liberals!!

(Click here if you dare)

13. Posted by Omni | December 16, 2005 9:44 AM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 09:44

Sam Bernstein, Lawyer, (###... (Below threshold)

14. Posted by Rodney Dill | December 16, 2005 9:44 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Rodney Dill:

Sam Bernstein, Lawyer, (###) ###-####

14. Posted by Rodney Dill | December 16, 2005 9:44 AM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 09:44

This is one of Johnny Carso... (Below threshold)

15. Posted by OregonMuse | December 16, 2005 9:44 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
OregonMuse:

This is one of Johnny Carson's Carnack jokes, but it sounds sort of like a fortune cookie:

"May a weird customs inspector find a secret compartment in your sister."

15. Posted by OregonMuse | December 16, 2005 9:44 AM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 09:44

My favorite (I still carry ... (Below threshold)

16. Posted by NCDawg | December 16, 2005 10:00 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
NCDawg:

My favorite (I still carry it around in my wallet):

"Some men dream of fortunes, others dream of cookies."

16. Posted by NCDawg | December 16, 2005 10:00 AM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 10:00

Your stupidity is your wors... (Below threshold)

17. Posted by Jeff | December 16, 2005 10:02 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Jeff:

Your stupidity is your worst enemy

17. Posted by Jeff | December 16, 2005 10:02 AM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 10:02

For all of you that are usi... (Below threshold)

18. Posted by Dave in San Diego | December 16, 2005 10:07 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Dave in San Diego:

For all of you that are using the fortune cookie prisoner theme, please remember that the late Alan King was using that 40 to 50 years ago.

18. Posted by Dave in San Diego | December 16, 2005 10:07 AM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 10:07

. ... (Below threshold)

19. Posted by Steel | December 16, 2005 10:13 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Steel:

. .

19. Posted by Steel | December 16, 2005 10:13 AM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 10:13

He who read message inside ... (Below threshold)

20. Posted by wavemaker | December 16, 2005 10:18 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
wavemaker:

He who read message inside cookie destined to lose fortune.

20. Posted by wavemaker | December 16, 2005 10:18 AM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 10:18

I actually got this one sev... (Below threshold)

21. Posted by Scott | December 16, 2005 10:25 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Scott:

I actually got this one several years ago

"Any plans you make are apt to be final"

21. Posted by Scott | December 16, 2005 10:25 AM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 10:25

Female pilot who fly upside... (Below threshold)

22. Posted by Bungalowlife | December 16, 2005 10:39 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Bungalowlife:

Female pilot who fly upside down sure to have crack-up.

22. Posted by Bungalowlife | December 16, 2005 10:39 AM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 10:39

12 14 21 32 45 48 ... (Below threshold)

23. Posted by Hoodlumman | December 16, 2005 10:52 AM | Score: -1 (1 votes cast)
Hoodlumman:

12 14 21 32 45 48

23. Posted by Hoodlumman | December 16, 2005 10:52 AM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: -1 (1 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 10:52

You will soon be hospitaliz... (Below threshold)

24. Posted by BWS | December 16, 2005 11:01 AM | Score: -1 (1 votes cast)
BWS:

You will soon be hospitalized for MSG poisoning

24. Posted by BWS | December 16, 2005 11:01 AM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: -1 (1 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 11:01

"You like Pineapple"<... (Below threshold)

25. Posted by AngryMe | December 16, 2005 11:14 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
AngryMe:

"You like Pineapple"

I showed the waitress, and she brought out a huge tray of squared pineapples with toothpicks in them.

Yum!

25. Posted by AngryMe | December 16, 2005 11:14 AM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 11:14

True story:I took ... (Below threshold)

26. Posted by BoDiddly | December 16, 2005 11:26 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
BoDiddly:

True story:

I took a young lady (who had been very reluctant to go out with me) on a first date to a Chinese restaurant. After the meal, she broke open her cookie and immediately looked up at me with a very confused, funny look. Her fortune:

He's very flirtatious, but his intentions are noble.

We've been married over ten years now.

26. Posted by BoDiddly | December 16, 2005 11:26 AM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 11:26

I swear my wife got this on... (Below threshold)

27. Posted by Martyr | December 16, 2005 11:32 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Martyr:

I swear my wife got this one once.

"There is no love like self love"

27. Posted by Martyr | December 16, 2005 11:32 AM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 11:32

Except that this cookie doe... (Below threshold)

28. Posted by Yogurt | December 16, 2005 11:45 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Yogurt:

Except that this cookie doesn't fit the standard I was taught at a tender age. In order for any fortune cookie saying to be complete, you must append the words "in bed" to the end. Try it some time :)

28. Posted by Yogurt | December 16, 2005 11:45 AM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 11:45

"All your base are belong t... (Below threshold)

29. Posted by sentinel | December 16, 2005 11:54 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
sentinel:

"All your base are belong to us!"

29. Posted by sentinel | December 16, 2005 11:54 AM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 11:54

Buy More Chinese!... (Below threshold)

30. Posted by Punsmith | December 16, 2005 12:10 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Punsmith:

Buy More Chinese!

30. Posted by Punsmith | December 16, 2005 12:10 PM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 12:10

"PUT ME BACK! PUT ME BACK!"... (Below threshold)

31. Posted by McGehee | December 16, 2005 12:12 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
McGehee:

"PUT ME BACK! PUT ME BACK!"

31. Posted by McGehee | December 16, 2005 12:12 PM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 12:12

Number One Cookie Makes Num... (Below threshold)

32. Posted by Punsmith | December 16, 2005 12:12 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Punsmith:

Number One Cookie Makes Number Two Quickly!

32. Posted by Punsmith | December 16, 2005 12:12 PM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 12:12

"Have this fortune printed ... (Below threshold)

33. Posted by McGehee | December 16, 2005 12:14 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
McGehee:

"Have this fortune printed on a T-shirt, only $12.99"

33. Posted by McGehee | December 16, 2005 12:14 PM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 12:14

"What do you know, that IS ... (Below threshold)

34. Posted by McGehee | December 16, 2005 12:15 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
McGehee:

"What do you know, that IS the way the cookie crumbles!"

34. Posted by McGehee | December 16, 2005 12:15 PM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 12:15

Mmmmmmmm - Mongol Love Cook... (Below threshold)

35. Posted by Punsmith | December 16, 2005 12:21 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Punsmith:

Mmmmmmmm - Mongol Love Cookie! But now I have Blazing Saddle!

35. Posted by Punsmith | December 16, 2005 12:21 PM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 12:21

I didn't wash my hands!... (Below threshold)

36. Posted by tommy | December 16, 2005 12:29 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
tommy:

I didn't wash my hands!

36. Posted by tommy | December 16, 2005 12:29 PM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 12:29

Sure, you found this one, b... (Below threshold)

37. Posted by sortapundit | December 16, 2005 12:40 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
sortapundit:

Sure, you found this one, but I bet you didn't find the one we put in the spring rolls.

37. Posted by sortapundit | December 16, 2005 12:40 PM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 12:40

You shouldn't have eaten th... (Below threshold)

38. Posted by jc | December 16, 2005 1:01 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
jc:

You shouldn't have eaten the sweet and sour pork.

38. Posted by jc | December 16, 2005 1:01 PM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 13:01

I pee'd in your rice.... (Below threshold)

39. Posted by don | December 16, 2005 1:19 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
don:

I pee'd in your rice.

39. Posted by don | December 16, 2005 1:19 PM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 13:19

I got this one the day I gr... (Below threshold)

40. Posted by Piotr | December 16, 2005 1:35 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Piotr:

I got this one the day I graduated law school. It's framed in my office.

"You would make a good lawyer."

40. Posted by Piotr | December 16, 2005 1:35 PM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 13:35

I keep all the fortunes tha... (Below threshold)

41. Posted by Chublogga | December 16, 2005 2:27 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Chublogga:

I keep all the fortunes that work out especially well "in bed", such as:

A friend is a present you give yourself.

Don't aim down the well when you can shoot at the moon.

If one door closes, another will open.

A gorgeous woman is waiting for you.

Ok, I made that last one up.

41. Posted by Chublogga | December 16, 2005 2:27 PM | Vote up Vote down Report this comment Score: 0 (0 votes cast)

Posted on December 16, 2005 14:27

Got this one many, many yea... (Below threshold)

42. Posted by JustBill | December 16, 2005 2:28 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
JustBill:

Got this one many, many years ago:

The day you were born, a problem was solved.

Still think it's a keeper.

42. Posted by JustBill | December 16, 2005 2:28 PM | Vote up Vote down