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Wizbang Weekend Caption Contest™

It's Friday, which means it's time for the Wizbang Weekend Caption Contest™. It's Oscar weekend, so this seemed like a natural... Enter your best caption for the following picture:

Jon Stewart, host of the 78th Academy Awards, left, talks to stage manager Gary Hood on the stage at the Kodak Theatre in Los Angeles, Thursday, March 2, 2006, during a set visit in advance of Sunday's Oscars. (AP Photo/Chris Carlson)

Winners will be announced Sunday, before I watch the Oscars.


Update: After an unintentional delay winners have been announced. Click the link to read the entry. The contest is now closed.


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Comments (74)

No dear...SAG HARBOR is ... (Below threshold)

No dear...SAG HARBOR is below the waist!

"But Jon, you just can't sa... (Below threshold)
Nylda:

"But Jon, you just can't say the Oscars aren't relevant."

No, Jon, you cannot give He... (Below threshold)
Weegie:

No, Jon, you cannot give Heath Ledger any tongue action. Just speak the lines and pretend you like women.

Oscar host John Stewart pre... (Below threshold)
Matt:

Oscar host John Stewart prepares to welcome Anna Nicole Smith to the pre-show brunch.

Cameraman - Look, Jon, I... (Below threshold)

Cameraman - Look, Jon, I know you don't like Streisand, but did you have to direct her to sit in the break-away chair?

Stewart - Just look at her floundering on the floor there.

Jon, don't even think about... (Below threshold)
Imhotep:

Jon, don't even think about telling that Aristocrats joke on live TV just to check the tape delay.

...and here's the warehouse... (Below threshold)
plebe:

...and here's the warehouse that we'll keep all the demagoguery before the show, Mr. Stewart.

Academy Awards Host Jon Ste... (Below threshold)

Academy Awards Host Jon Stewart complains to Stage Director Biff Stiffman that he feels like a 'little teapot' in that position.

I'm only going to say this ... (Below threshold)

I'm only going to say this once, "No. Mohammed. Jokes."

"Okay Jon, now let's rehear... (Below threshold)
Guido:

"Okay Jon, now let's rehearse the next segment. After the band stops, following the 'Best Supporting Actor' presentation, this is where you recite 'anti-Bush joke #37'. And, oh my, it's a real 'Brokeback Crawford Ranch' zinger. I mean, not even Ruth Bader Ginsberg could yawn to this one. Oh, and don't worry about the punchline delivery too much, we've got huge flashing 'LAUGH NOW' signs arrayed all around the theater. Ready now, Jon?.....aaaaand...action!"

I told you that you cant li... (Below threshold)
billburz:

I told you that you cant lie about Bush on this show, so just get out there and lie about something else, like ah, this one, "Did you hear the one about the Patriot in Hollywo.........

"Mr. Stewart, your 15 minut... (Below threshold)
Steve L.:

"Mr. Stewart, your 15 minutes of fame are up. Please leave the stage in this direction."

No really, where's Kutcher?... (Below threshold)

No really, where's Kutcher?

You really want me to do th... (Below threshold)

You really want me to do this? Have you ever watched The Daily Show?

"Yes, yes, we think Mr. Cry... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

"Yes, yes, we think Mr. Crystal is ready to move out of the host dressing room any day now."

There once was a man bringi... (Below threshold)
robert:

There once was a man bringing bliss,
with comedy and more he will diss.
For me I will toke,
to a mountain not broke.
And give this whole thing a miss.

Jon Stewart muses on the po... (Below threshold)
Tango:

Jon Stewart muses on the possible ramifications of a seating arrangement at an after Oscars dinner party that would have Alec Baldwin and Ann Coulter within steak knife throwing distance of each other.

rats in my room, I cant fac... (Below threshold)
Elmo:

rats in my room, I cant face those rats in my room, better get some cats in my room ....

Have a look for yourself Mr... (Below threshold)
Rick13:

Have a look for yourself Mr. Stewart, everyone else spells it with and "F", not an "S".

I feel pretty,Oh, so... (Below threshold)
Elmo:

I feel pretty,
Oh, so pretty,
I feel pretty and witty and bright!
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me tonight.

I feel charming,
Oh, so charming
It's alarming how charming I feel!
And so pretty
That I hardly can believe I'm real.

See the pretty girl in that mirror there:
Who can that attractive girl be?
Such a pretty face,
Such a pretty dress,
Such a pretty smile,
Such a pretty me!

I feel stunning
And entrancing,
Feel like running and dancing for joy .....

"Jon, please, please, pleas... (Below threshold)
Steve Doherty Jr.:

"Jon, please, please, please wear the bulletproof
vest during the 'Jude Law segment'; Chris Penn just passed away and Sean is as unstable as ever."

Jon Stewart is perhaps too ... (Below threshold)

Jon Stewart is perhaps too direct in his advertising for hugs from tall, aging actresses at Sunday's Oscar presentation.

"Look John, you can't tell ... (Below threshold)

"Look John, you can't tell 42 Tucker Carlson Jokes in a row!"

"I don't know how to ice sk... (Below threshold)
Ingress:

"I don't know how to ice skate. I only sing in the shower. I can't dance."

"That's ok. Look ... left over from the Jack Abramoff lobbying scandal ... brief cases with money amounts in them and half-naked girls."

Look what you did. LOOK! Yo... (Below threshold)
bcb0225:

Look what you did. LOOK! You made Heath Ledger cry, you are so mean Jon!

"I shilled for the Democrat... (Below threshold)
Faith+1:

"I shilled for the Democrats on my show for the 2004 elections and all I got was this lousy t-shirt."

John Stewart offers a safe ... (Below threshold)

John Stewart offers a safe haven for Susan Sarandon's boobs.

Midway though the taping of... (Below threshold)
Robb:

Midway though the taping of his absentee acceptance speech, Jon is notified and heartbroken by his producers through inside information leaked by the New York Times he's lost the Best Fictional News category award to The Cafferty File.

It's a movie about gay lobs... (Below threshold)
obbanner:

It's a movie about gay lobstermen.

"Ya gotta be current Jon, s... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

"Ya gotta be current Jon, saying 'I'm gonna get medieval on his ass' just won't fly. Ya gotta say something like 'I'm gonna get brokeback on his ass'."
"Or Cheney on his head?"
"Yea, that's the idea."

"Like Schwarzenegger said, ... (Below threshold)
Hermoine:

"Like Schwarzenegger said, 'I will not fail you, I will not disappoint you and I will not let you down.'"

"Jon, ok, if that happens, ... (Below threshold)
Rachel Edith:

"Jon, ok, if that happens, just shoot the guy. Call Cheney. Get guidance."

Jon,"The Fugitive" w... (Below threshold)
SCSIwuzzy:

Jon,
"The Fugitive" was in theaters how long ago?!? Nobody is going to laugh at 'one armed man' impressions.

It easy. You've done a phon... (Below threshold)
yeatanothejohn:

It easy. You've done a phony news show where you bash Bush for years. Now you just do a phony awards show where you bash Bush. Trust me, with this audience, get anywhere close to a joke ridiculing Bush and you will bring down the house.

Oscar host Jon Stewart make... (Below threshold)

Oscar host Jon Stewart makes a political statement with his t-shirt supporting the renaming of Chappaquick Bay in honor of his good friend Sen. Ted Kennedy.

Ok Jon, now remember that t... (Below threshold)
bluesharper:

Ok Jon, now remember that the first 32 "Bush is stupid" jokes, we need you to look into this camera.

Jon Stewart is easily amuse... (Below threshold)

Jon Stewart is easily amused by the Oscars stage manager's ability to make set pieces move, appear and disappear by waving his "magic" hands around and speaking "magic words" into his "magic microphone."

"Yeah, we'd like to give Mi... (Below threshold)
JimK:

"Yeah, we'd like to give Michael Moore a lifetime achievement award too Jon, but we can't fit his fat ass in the damn doorway!"

"Now Jon, don't forget to s... (Below threshold)
ken:

"Now Jon, don't forget to spit in your hand for lubrication before you...well, you know..."

Please, Jon, no Sag Harbor ... (Below threshold)
BobK:

Please, Jon, no Sag Harbor references. Talking about your weekend place in the Hamptons kills the "man of the people" schtick.

Jon Stewart grimaces at the... (Below threshold)
HankF:

Jon Stewart grimaces at the thought of donning his leotard and rehearsing his ice dance with Ann Coulter. ABC defended the Oscars new segment vigorously as part of its larger plan to regain share lost in recent years to FNC, and released this statement:

"We wanted Michele Malkin, since Ann is so tall and makes Jon look really shrimpy. And let's face it, we're up against Hannity and Greta, skating with Cindy won't help us in the red states!"

Helen Thomas says's thanks ... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

Helen Thomas says's thanks for the evening, but she wants her shirt back.

"I got this shirt from Cind... (Below threshold)
SSG Pooh:

"I got this shirt from Cindy Sheehan."

Let you fabulousness flow!<... (Below threshold)
John van:

Let you fabulousness flow!
Can you let it flow? Let you fabulousness flow bitch!

Do you mind already? We ne... (Below threshold)
trek:

Do you mind already? We need this set for the next shoot. Leave!

Keep it light. Remember: Ki... (Below threshold)
Paul:

Keep it light. Remember: Killing Jews is the new slapstick.

"Right this way to espouse ... (Below threshold)
Peter F.:

"Right this way to espouse all your liberal dribble to a nation of millions..."

"Come on, Jon. You've blow... (Below threshold)
Master Shake:

"Come on, Jon. You've blown every other liberal who's come on the show. Why are you drawing the line at Michael Moore?"

A producer shows Jon Stewar... (Below threshold)
bcb0225:

A producer shows Jon Stewart the proper way to do a thrown triple toe-loop.

[Over the producer's headph... (Below threshold)
bcb0225:

[Over the producer's headphones]

Yeah, Stewart's not working out. Keep him distracted, Dick Cheney will be there shortly and he's armed.

The t-shirt explains what h... (Below threshold)
McCain:

The t-shirt explains what happens after the Daily Blow.

Jon: So I'm supposed to in... (Below threshold)
jschan:

Jon: So I'm supposed to introduce a gay cowboy movie with a straight face, right?
Director: Yep.
Jon: Holy crap, this is going to be harder than I thought.

Other Guy In Photo: "Come o... (Below threshold)
Faith+1:

Other Guy In Photo: "Come on Jon, just watch it again...I'm telling you, Colbert is just plainly funnier than you."

"For the last time, Mr. Ste... (Below threshold)

"For the last time, Mr. Stewart - you CANNOT wear that sweatshirt to introduce the presenters - and especially not Heath Ledger and Cindy Sheehan!"

C'mon Jon! I know you have ... (Below threshold)
SILVER BULLET:

C'mon Jon! I know you have been stealing Hillary's T shirts again. What have you done with her underwear?

"look, jon, i told you befo... (Below threshold)
papalovesmambo:

"look, jon, i told you before, you have to imagine that there's a 40' tall george dubya butter sculpture over there for now, ok?"

Now, when you introduce Cra... (Below threshold)
Half Canadian:

Now, when you introduce Craig Kilborn, no snide remarks!

Jon, Vice President Cheney ... (Below threshold)
Harvey:

Jon, Vice President Cheney would like to say hello before he leaves for Wyoming to do some hunting.

upon hearing that the Oscar... (Below threshold)
billburz:

upon hearing that the Oscar ceremony would have an all Conservative Rrepublican audience, John Stewart asks for the exit.

"If you're going to do the ... (Below threshold)
Spike:

"If you're going to do the Cheney joke, you need to know the difference between a handgun and a rifle. You hold a rifle with two hands....like this, you Pompus Ass!!!"

"What? You guys hired me fo... (Below threshold)

"What? You guys hired me for this gig thinking I was Patrick Stewart!?"

BTW Kev, the comment form isn't remembering details anymore.

"...And Robin Williams call... (Below threshold)

"...And Robin Williams calls his 'Mr. Happy', but even HE wouldn't put that on a t-shirt!"

See I told you I work with ... (Below threshold)
Todd:

See I told you I work with a bunch of monkeys...

ScreenA</b... (Below threshold)

Screen
Actors
Guild

Has
Already
Rigged
Brokeback's
Oscar
Reward

"You announce the winners??... (Below threshold)
Lasting Magic:

"You announce the winners??? Heck Jon, you'd announce who you like and ignore the name on the card. We know this!"

"So then I say... this is g... (Below threshold)

"So then I say... this is gonna' be so sweet... I say... 'H-e-e-e-e-e-r-e's Jonny!'! Without the 'h'. Get it? Pretty clever, huh?"

Exit Stage Lefr Girlie Boy.... (Below threshold)
DD:

Exit Stage Lefr Girlie Boy.

EXIT STAGE LEFT GIRLIE BOY<... (Below threshold)
DD:

EXIT STAGE LEFT GIRLIE BOY

Stewart's T-shirt announces... (Below threshold)
jack rud:

Stewart's T-shirt announces a political rally to support Al Qaeda's upcoming "big bang" event

Jon wasn't listening to the... (Below threshold)
Charles V:

Jon wasn't listening to the director and his thought was in the distance;

"If Osama just gets the inflection of his voice and the punch line timing right I will be considered the greatest host ever!"

"Who Says White Men Can't B... (Below threshold)

"Who Says White Men Can't Be Funny?"

"You Can't Host The Oscars ... (Below threshold)

"You Can't Host The Oscars Sitting Behind A Desk And That's Final!"

John Stewart models Drew Ba... (Below threshold)

John Stewart models Drew Barrymore-themed sweatshirt.

Update: A... (Below threshold)

Update: After an untinentional delay winners have been announced. Click the link to read the entry. The contest is now closed.




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