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Gooaaaaaaaaaaaaaal!

So Kevin decided to let me back in this week, even with my potty mouth.

No muscle cars tonight, though. No, tonight we turn our thoughts to the World Cup. Yep, it's that time again.

handofgod.jpg

So what the hell do I know about soccer? Oh, I'm sorry. FOOTBALL. Honestly, I don't know much except that every four years I pretend to have this great interest in FOOTBALL and I go all World Cup crazy. That is, until America gets its collective ass handed to it and I go back to watching baseball like a good American.

I do know enough about football to carry on a decent conversation. Or get one started. Whenever someone mentions the sport, I just say, in no particular order: Pele! Hooligans! Maradona! And depending on who you are talking to, that last one might get you a smack in the head, especially if you follow it up with the phrase "Hand of God!" Which I often do because, hey, if you're gonna get yourself all excited about a sports tournament which your team really has no chance of winning, you might as well get some good, sporting fun out of it by pissing some people off.

fifalogo.jpgSee, I think the World Cup is nothing more than a good excuse for nation hating. It's no longer politically correct to just bag on other countries for no good reason. So we use football as an excuse to say things like "Mexico couldn't play their way out of a fucking pinata!" or "England sucks!" Ok, maybe we say that one anyhow. No offense, Brits. It's just the way it is. Kinda like a Mods/Rockers thing, you know? Friendly rivalry. Yea, friendly.

I mean, look at all the countries we get to make up chants about. Trinidad and Tobego! Ghana! Iran! Oh, fuck yea. We're gonna go Ayatollah on your ass, Iran! See? See how easy that is? Think of it as misplaced national pride. Where else are you gonna shout USA! USA! USA! these days without someone thinking Karl Rove gave you eight bucks and a candy bar to say that? See, World Cup is for everyone. It works out great for people who measure their patriotism by bumper stickers because they can drape themselves in a flag and just call it football frenzy. And it also works out for people who have been kinda down on the state of the union since, oh, November 2004, because they can wave a flag and shout America, fuck yea! without feeling like they are betraying their ideals. It's all about the soccer ball. Uh, sorry. The football.

So I'm looking forward to World Cup 2006. I think I still have a Pele shirt from that Giants Stadium gig in 1977. I'm brushing up on my 'let's mock the cockney accent' phrases. I've been practicing saying the word 'hooligan' several times a day (hey, it's a fun word). I have sharpened my "hand of god" conversation starter so that I can ignite a heated argument in under five seconds. I've got a bunch of UK punk songs about football loaded up and ready to go.

See, it doesn't take much to feel part of the action. Say it with me. Pele! Hooligans! Maradona! ENGLAND SUCKS!

Bring it on.


The Business - Maradona
Bouncing Souls - Ole

Faster than the world: a blog about punk rock , fast cars and sometimes, world cup


Comments (16)

Well, at least Univision's ... (Below threshold)

Well, at least Univision's Friday night World Cup Soccer special featured some great looking women - the kind that Wizbang Pop! would be interested in (Meaning: Women that would cause any straight man with a pulse to drool).

The Hand of God!No... (Below threshold)
jdavenport:

The Hand of God!

Nobody could cheat like Diego, though he was brilliant.

I love soccer. Majestic. Chess, compared to american football checkers. Its a bottom up system compared to a.footballs top down system.

If you played it or have watch it for a while, you can see the field becoming dangerous 5 or 10 passes before it explodes. Kind of a fluid dynamics.

Soccer? God gave you hands.... (Below threshold)

Soccer? God gave you hands. Use them, dammit

During the 2002 World Cup I... (Below threshold)
Mark:

During the 2002 World Cup I was dating a woman from Bolivia who loved the Brazilian team, so when they played England in the final round I just had to root for England.

The relationship ended a few days later...

BRAZIL SUCKS!!!

But for my potty mouth and ... (Below threshold)

But for my potty mouth and rebellious attitude, I could still be LIVING in Germany and festing it up at the local town square. Soccer rules in GE.

I have a theory that says t... (Below threshold)
Luncy:

I have a theory that says the US would be respected in the world if we could only earn respect on the soccer field.

It's not fully developed but its clear to me that we can't possibly be taken seriously if we can't kick some world cup ass.

It's sad really, because I know we could if we wanted to :(

L

It's not fully dev... (Below threshold)
It's not fully developed but its clear to me that we can't possibly be taken seriously if we can't kick some world cup ass.

Who wants to be good at a sport that puts a premium on faking injury and grabbing your shin dramatically to try to get the other team penalized?

I remember reading an explanation of why soccer will never catch on in the US. If a player gets hurt, most of the time he's supposed to get off the field and not roll around in mock agony like soccer players always are doing.

That was supposed to read, ... (Below threshold)

That was supposed to read, if a player gets hurt PLAYING FOOTBALL (the kind with helmets)...

A big reason soccer hasn't... (Below threshold)
Lee:

A big reason soccer hasn't caught on in the U.S. is that it isn't "TV friendly" - the game doesn't have enough stops and pauses for commercial breaks. Therefore it isn't seen by most of the U.S., and the U.S. sports fans haven't developed an appreciation for the game.

I love the game. I played center halfback in college, and later coached youth soccer. I was even offered a job coaching a high school team (still sorry I didn't take it!) Soccer rules, once you know and appreciate the sport.

And yeah, the major leaguers will fake an injury to give themselves (and the opposing team) a brief timeout and/or try to get the referee on "their side". It is a non-stop run for 45 minutes at a time, and the brief respite helps. You rarely see that in collegiate soccer or in the youth soccer ranks.

And then there's women's soccer.... In a game where upper body strength isn't as important as most sports you see some really good women players. The U.S. has traditionally had a strong women's program.

Luncy: "I have a theory tha... (Below threshold)
Jabba the Tutt:

Luncy: "I have a theory that says the US would be respected in the world if we could only earn respect on the soccer field.

It's not fully developed but its clear to me that we can't possibly be taken seriously if we can't kick some world cup ass."

Well, the US is ranked #5 in the world now, but where's the respect? Actually, it's the easiest thing in the world to disrespect the US. You get to poke the big guy in the eye with a sharp stick and there are no consequences. Make yourself feel better with no threat of consequences.

Actually, I have a dream. I'd love to see America win this year's World Cup and then it be quite clear that no one in America gives a rip. Beat the world at the world's game and not even care. That would drive the rest of the world absolutely mad. The NBA finals are coming up and baseball is getting interesting. That's my dream.

You get to poke the big ... (Below threshold)

You get to poke the big guy in the eye with a sharp stick and there are no consequences. Make yourself feel better with no threat of consequences.

That was kind of my point about the World Cup being a great excuse for nation hating. Except I was looking at it from an American point of view.

Sure would be sweet if we won.

Soccer is for skinny guys w... (Below threshold)

Soccer is for skinny guys who can't throw.

'Nuff said.

Well, the US is ranked #... (Below threshold)
Steve L.:

Well, the US is ranked #5 in the world now, but where's the respect?

Those rankings are largely meaningless. In fact, the US is probably only the third best team in their 4-team group at the World Cup. Those rankings are based on performances in qualifying tournaments and friendly matches. The US' qualifying group is largely a joke with the exception of Mexico. While they may win their friendly matches, rarely are they playing against the other countries' top sides. The World Cup is the true test and the best the US has ever done (discounting 1930 when the team consisted of fairly new immigrants) is the round of 8 in the last tournament. Prior to that, they had only advanced out of the first round once (1994). IN 1998, they went 0-3 and went home.

This time, if they advance out of the first round, their likely opponent will be Brazil, the defending champion and widely considered the best team in the world. That would bode for another quick exit.

I'm guessing that all of yo... (Below threshold)

I'm guessing that all of you who hate soccer have never played the sport. A soccer player would whip an American football player's ass. Their endurance and lower body strenght is phenomenal.

Personally, I played soccer for about 8 years when I was in elementary and junior high school. I love the sport. It's so much fun to play. There's more action than baseball and more ball time per player than football. There's a lot of strategy involved that somebody who doesn't play will have difficulty figuring out at first.

Plus, pegging is just awesome. (Pegging is deliberately kicking the ball so that it hits a player of the opposite team - hopefully in the head or groin.)

As for the faking injury thing, it is kinda annoying, but only the pros do that (or could get away with it).

A soccer player would wh... (Below threshold)

A soccer player would whip an American football player's ass.

That's a testable hypothesis. Yet the only position I've seen former soccer players take on a football team is kicker.

Let a typical soccer player from COLLEGE line up as a lineman in a typical HIGH SCHOOL football game and I suspect your hypothesis would fail rather spectacularly.

You say that the US is rank... (Below threshold)
Adam Churchman:

You say that the US is ranked number 5, yes this is true, but how can you say that these are fair, with teams such as; france, argentina, italy, germany, greece (european champions 2004) are not better, the fifa rankings are a joke, if England played hungary for every friendly and beat them 6-0 they would be ranked number one, the strenght of the teams you beat makes your ranking higher.
i am english, (if you couldnt tell) i also carry a huge amount of respect for the US team, with talent such as Bobby Convey who is an incredible player and also the youngest signing in america at the age of 16 (so i am told) there is definatly an increase in talent from the country.

however

there is always alot of comparison about football and american football, i enjoy watching american football, watch as much as i can, but due to it being on at 2-4 in the morning find it hard.
but i dont think it carrys half the amount of skill as football does, there is constant breaks of play to revise the tatics, football 90 minutes with a 15 minute break, the level of fitness is also alot higher, i still cant work out how many teams one american football team has, i think, please someone correct me if i am wrong; Offense, defense, kicking team, is that all? football have 11 players with the possibiliy for 3 subsitutions throughout the whole game.

i have looked at this topic on alot of forums and message boards and this is the only serious one i could find, apart from Brad Warbiany, "Soccer is for skinny guys who can't throw" what a quote, how long did it take you too think of that? did you get all your "buddies" to help you while you pumped iron and drank beer, and beat the skinnys guys ass to make yourself feel better, come to england and say that to the boys that play football in brixton, and manchester actually anywhere. i bet you have never watched a world class game in your life, England Vs Argentina, Brazil Vs France, this would change your opinion, but its probably to quick for you, you would get confused, and no toilet breaks every thirty seconds, better get a bucket ready. but i bet you are a big built bloke who can bench press a car, and gets all the girls (till they find out what a wanker you actually are), well done, congratulations, go and tackle someone and masturbate about knocking the other player down, i mean you just run into someone who ways less than you and you go mad. In football someone would out skill you with thier mind, Maradona would show you for the overcompensating twat that you are.

in short, US have a very good football team and i think this year will do well, wish them all the best and would like to actually see a England Vs US final would be good, too great nations batteling it out on the pitch.





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