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Oh, I'm so going to Hell for this one...

For some time now, Wizbang! has enjoyed a bit of popularity among the conservative, Christian, Republican crowds. This has made me occasionally feel like a bit of an odd duck, being a self-described "militant moderate," agnostic, independent, but for the most part I don't mind the association. (One of my colleagues, in a private e-mail discussion amongst us authors, threatened to start calling me "Token.") I've found my beliefs might not always match up with the rest of the crew here on some issues (gay marriage and abortion spring to mind), but overall we're a fairly compatible group -- and I've found the right a bit more tolerant, accepting, diverse, and inclusive than the left, which usually brags of its own strengths in those areas.

Every now and then, though, I feel the need to reassert my own independent streak, to remind folks that while I might generally get along with the standard agenda, I don't buy into it wholeheartedly. This is one of those times.

Last week, there was a bit of a kerfuffle when an artist made a life-sized, nude, anatomically correct image of Christ out of chocolate, and was going to put "My Sweet Lord" on display in New York City. This riled up a lot of Christians, and eventually the notion was scrapped.

I was a bit irritated about this myself. Not out of any sense of personal piety, but because the instant I heard about the story, a song got stuck in my head. A new take on an old song. And it kept rattling around inside my brain until I finally took pen to paper and wrote down the lyrics.

(A quick personal note: Candy, Suzy, and other friends of mine with fairly strong Christian beliefs: you might not want to read this one. It isn't very nice.)

Chocolate Jesus

Well, I don't care who it displeases,
I just like that chocolate Jesus,
Hanging somewhere in New York City.
Just in time for this Easter,
They're showing off his bare brown keister,
That artist must think he's awful witty.

(Refrain)
Chocolate Jesus, chocolate Jesus,
Hanging somewhere in New York City.
Just in time for this Easter,
They're showing off his bare brown keister,
That artist must think he's awful witty.

Well, I don't care who it displeases,
I just like that chocolate Jesus,
Hanging somewhere in New York City.
Hanging up somewhere in New York.
Take an "H" out of Hershey
And you'll end up with "heresy"
That'll get all those Christians all torqued.

(Refrain)

Some may call it misbehavior
To display a chocolate savior
With his naughty bits just there for all to see.
They call the thing "My Sweet Lord"
And the artist's stock sure has soared
From this edible nude man from Galilee.

(Refrain)

Christians are an easy mark,
Their bite's much less than their bark,
They won't kill you if you trash their King.
You're also safe if you choose
To mock and insult those pesky Jews,
Neither one is into beheading.

(Refrain)

But them followers of old Mo's,
They readily come to blows,
At the tiniest little slight;
Call their prophet a pedophile,
Even if you say it with a smile,
And you're just begging for a fight.

(Refrain)

They take their faith quite serious,
They raise up quite a fuss,
When they think someone has said them wrong;
They will leave me quite dead,
And, maybe, without my head,
For daring to print this little song.

(Refrain)

"Islam is the religion of peace,"
They repeat without surcease,
Hoping we all will buy into the scam;
"Kill them all," they should all shout,
"And let Allah sort them out!"
At least, that's how I read the Koran.

(Refrain)

But Muslims are a different sort,
Violence seems their first resort
At the slightest hint of disrespect;
With rifle, bomb, or knife,
they'll cheerily take your life;
That faith seems like a mental defect.


So bring on that chocolate Jesus,
Complete with sacred semi-sweet penis,
Christians will turn the other cheek;
They won't riot in the streets,
Over sacreligious sweets,
Not even the most devout Jesus freak.

(Refrain)


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Comments (48)

Complete with sacred se... (Below threshold)
marc:

Complete with sacred semi-sweet penis

Paris Hilton should arrive any minute now.

Christians do have their ow... (Below threshold)

Christians do have their own revisionist views on the attire of Jesus as well. Jesus was stripped of all his clothes and publicly flogged and crucified by the Romans in the nude in order to humiliate him as a prisoner, yet I've never seen any Christian display accurately represent the historic crucifixion in this way.

Christian notions of modesty are not interested in historically accurate portrayals of the crucifixion because of their own problems with the human body. And some historic evidence suggests that a single large stake and not a cross was used to crucify many prisoners, maybe even Christ.

While I don't think you'll ... (Below threshold)
Bob:

While I don't think you'll go to hell for your lyrics, they do seem a bit lengthy and a waste of time. Keep blogging but leave the song lyrics to the pros.

Paul, we Christians have no... (Below threshold)
goddessoftheclassroom:

Paul, we Christians have no "problem" with the human body. We RESPECT the human body and believe that it should be treated with modesty out of reverence for the most important relationship between husband and wife (the ideal if not the practical). It is our love and respect for Jesus that brought about the "revisionist" draping. The Romans wanted to humiliate Him on the cross; Christians revere Him.

Bob, just enjoy the creative energy.

Jay, some clever word play. Since the medium is something well-loved, this work of art didn't upset me as the dung Madonna or "Piss Christ" did. I haven't read the artist's explanation to know whether he meant to demean or exult.

Oh, and Jay, you wouldn't g... (Below threshold)
goddessoftheclassroom:

Oh, and Jay, you wouldn't go to Hell for the lyrics. God does have a sense of humor.

Paul has a problem with the... (Below threshold)
kim:

Paul has a problem with the human body alright; he seems to claim his eye witnessed the murder of Christ, else why be so certain of the sight? Please ignore the overlay of body sensibility on Paul's part that is clearly Twentieth Century gobbledegook.
=====================================

Who's got the dashboard Jes... (Below threshold)
kim:

Who's got the dashboard Jesus lyrics handy?
============================

I just luv ya', Jay; you ar... (Below threshold)
kim:

I just luv ya', Jay; you are funny and thought-provoking, but you are so not going to Hell for any blasphemy in that creation; rather for....well, did you go looking with a Zippo or a Bic?
==========================

This is just an excerpt fro... (Below threshold)
Candy:

This is just an excerpt from "Song of Solomon" in the Bible.

1 How beautiful your sandaled feet,
O prince's daughter!
Your graceful legs are like jewels,
the work of a craftsman's hands.

2 Your navel is a rounded goblet
that never lacks blended wine.
Your waist is a mound of wheat
encircled by lilies.

3 Your breasts are like two fawns,
twins of a gazelle.

4 Your neck is like an ivory tower.
Your eyes are the pools of Heshbon
by the gate of Bath Rabbim.
Your nose is like the tower of Lebanon
looking toward Damascus.

5 Your head crowns you like Mount Carmel.
Your hair is like royal tapestry;
the king is held captive by its tresses.

6 How beautiful you are and how pleasing,
O love, with your delights!

7 Your stature is like that of the palm,
and your breasts like clusters of fruit.

8 I said, "I will climb the palm tree;
I will take hold of its fruit."
May your breasts be like the clusters of the vine,
the fragrance of your breath like apples,

9 and your mouth like the best wine.

Brilliantly done!B... (Below threshold)
Jay:

Brilliantly done!

But perhaps the artist would have been better to take a safer route; perhaps a chocolate bunny on a cross. Either way, it's always fun to egg on the critics, even if their religion is a basket case.

There once was a man from S... (Below threshold)
kim:

There once was a man from State Mass,
Who penned blasphemous verse for a gas.
Laugh lines in good measure,
He ripped with great pleasure,
Then blasted the meter right out of his ass.
===========================

Jay did joke about going "t... (Below threshold)

Jay did joke about going "to Hell" over his remarks about Jesus. I do know that taking God lightly is popular in our modern culture in sharp contrast to the deep respect given God in the Old Testament.

Only a small number of select Jewish priests were ever allowed to handle the Ark Of the Covenant, which became the throne of God in main Jewish temple, any others who handled the Ark Of The Covenant, even well intentioned were immediately struck dead by God. Only priests who were considered very pure and loyal to God were ever allowed to enter into the main temple, many wore golden ropes in the event that they were struck dead by God so that the body may be pulled out by persons outside. Today most Jews still do not use the full name of God but rather use G-D to express his name because of deep repect for his name, which in sharp contrast to many today who act as though "damn" was his last name. God is so great in the Old Testament that most mortal men cannot see his sight and live. Only Abraham was able to have an audience and share dinner with God once.

Joking about almost anthing is acceptable, but God is so entitled to deep and profound respect that a wise person should always treat him with the great reverance that he is entitled to based on the Old Testament examples and their serious consequences. Taking God's "name in vain" does not always necessarily mean swearing, but taking God lightly, or in some joke.

Your lyrics are offensive t... (Below threshold)

Your lyrics are offensive to Christians, but you need not worry about losing your head, or even triggering a riot.

However we may well pray for you.

kim, I am a lifelong New Ha... (Below threshold)

kim, I am a lifelong New Hampshirite. If you're calling me a Masshole, them's fighting words.

J.

Today in Omaha, Nebraska, t... (Below threshold)
ptg:

Today in Omaha, Nebraska, the Joslyn Art Museum is showing a life-sized sculpture of the Prophet Mohammed made out of lard. Its a good thing there aren't very many Jihadists here in Omaha.

This poem is bad as in crap... (Below threshold)
Kat:

This poem is bad as in crappy not offensive. What offends me is the comparison (by others)between the reaction by Christians to this non-event and the Islam reaction to the Danish Cartoons.

I'm all for it, as long as ... (Below threshold)
BillyBob:

I'm all for it, as long as there is one of Buddah, Shiva, AND mohammad. If you are going to piss off people by making such an offense thing and call it fricking art, you may as well go the whole way and be equally offensive to everyone.

Oh yeah, the muslims would probably start a riot, find that stupid "artist" and behead him on the spot while CAIR looked for people to sue over the whole thing.

I'm all about equal opportunity religion bashing as long as it includes muslims right next to the Christians, Jews, Buddists, and Mormons

Also, to add to Pauls thoug... (Below threshold)
WildWillie:

Also, to add to Pauls thoughts is this verse: Be ye not deceived, God is not mocked. That seems like a clear warning. NO one, especially GOD likes to be mocked. Jay, love ya, but your on your own on this. ww

A much shorter bastardized ... (Below threshold)
epador:

A much shorter bastardized lyric hit my brain cells:

Christians to the Right of me, Muslims to the Left,
Here I am stuck in the middle with you.

See you in Hell.

Ok, Jay - I'm just going to... (Below threshold)
Candy:

Ok, Jay - I'm just going to say it - why don't you tell everybody where you are spending Resurrection Sunday?

this work of art d... (Below threshold)
jpe:
this work of art didn't upset me as the dung Madonna or "Piss Christ" did.

Purely aesthetically, I think Piss Christ is a beautiful piece. I like it despite my instinctive dislike of shock art.

I'm all for it, as long as there is one of Buddah, Shiva, AND mohammad.

You're assuming that the guy just wanted to piss people off, when there doesn't seem to be any evidence of that, and when there's evidence to the contrary. First, the artist disclaims any intent to be politically shocking; second, the piece doesn't seem arbitrary. Instead, it trades in the theology unique to Christianity: and edible Jesus has a rich texture to it for obvious reasons. An edible Siva would just be a big piece of candy.

(finally, it should be note... (Below threshold)
jpe:

(finally, it should be noted that the artist doesn't have a history of political art. Further, he works in the medium of food and is an Italian catholic, making this piece all but inevitable.)

Deep pardons, j, for my mis... (Below threshold)
kim:

Deep pardons, j, for my misunderstanding, but you are from the wrong side of the river. What shall we do about him, Lobsterlady Tuidsmere?

The critic from Northford of Thets,
Feels Worcester and wishes regrets.
About Mass,
He's the ass,
But Clark is a wonder at maps.
==========================

The title of the previous p... (Below threshold)
horse:

The title of the previous post describes by thoughts on this post.

The Romans wanted ... (Below threshold)
jpe:
The Romans wanted to humiliate Him on the cross; Christians revere Him.

no dude. We worship the humiliated Christ.

First up, to to those who a... (Below threshold)

First up, to to those who are criticizing my poetic skills: it's a parody of the song "Dashboard Jesus." Google it up if you haven't heard of it before.

Secondly, to Candy: yes, I'm planning on being there next Sunday. I'll have a 17" monitor and at least one computer -- I just finished resurrecting a Gateway Celeron 400 with 48MB of RAM, CD-ROM, 6GB hard drive, network, modem, and Win98/Office 2000 installed. I have three other carcasses, but they're in pretty sad shape. I might be able to get one, maybe two more up and running before next Sunday for your home schooling co-op, but I'm not making any promises.

J.

And I promise not to serve ... (Below threshold)
Candy:

And I promise not to serve peas. In fact, I am strongly considering baby back ribs instead of the traditional Easter Ham.

And some historic eviden... (Below threshold)
Taltos:

And some historic evidence suggests that a single large stake and not a cross was used to crucify many prisoners, maybe even Christ.

You can't crucify someone on anything other than a cross as the word crucify literally means to fix to a cross.

I'll be impressed when some... (Below threshold)
jpm100:

I'll be impressed when someone makes a naked chocolate Mohammed and Jay Tea writes a song about it.

jpe, we're on the same page... (Below threshold)
goddessoftheclassroom:

jpe, we're on the same page. I was tring to explain why Christians depict Christ draped rather than nude.

Your place in hell will be ... (Below threshold)

Your place in hell will be in a chocolate fondue.

4For if God did not spare ... (Below threshold)
Mark:

4For if God did not spare angels when they sinned, but sent them to hell,[a] putting them into gloomy dungeons[b] to be held for judgment; 5if he did not spare the ancient world when he brought the flood on its ungodly people, but protected Noah, a preacher of righteousness, and seven others; 6if he condemned the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah by burning them to ashes, and made them an example of what is going to happen to the ungodly;
9if this is so, then the Lord knows how to rescue godly men from trials and to hold the unrighteous for the day of judgment, while continuing their punishment.[c]

Jay Tea, you should have ju... (Below threshold)
Robert:

Jay Tea, you should have just co-opted Depeche Mode's personal Jesus and changed it to Chocolate Jesus. Much easier and very catchy!

Personally speaking that pi... (Below threshold)
914:

Personally speaking that piece of "Art" depicting Barack Obama as christ is just as pathetic!

I guess the liberals think Obama is their savior?

Posting lyrics is a sign of... (Below threshold)
Kozaburo:

Posting lyrics is a sign of weak blogging. Next time, sing the song while playing an acoustic guitar or something and post the mp3 or better, a YouTube clip.

You can take Mojo Nixon and Jello Biafra for a starting point...

"no dude. We worship the hu... (Below threshold)
bryanD:

"no dude. We worship the humiliated Christ."_jpe

No dude. We worship the ressurected Christ.
If Christ hadn't been ressurected, our faith would be in vain.
Not to minimize at all His work on the Cross(, of course, being the final Passover of Israel).
But Christ is alive. You don't worship him subjected to death, but his defeat Of Death.

This was the basis of the protestant reformation, that no priest could stand between man and God by withholding God's grace. Instead of a Mass where God is needed to be raised anew through the Host (transubstantiation), the great reformers cite the scriptures that God is On High and very much alive (priesthood of the believer).
Remember: One-Time Sacrifice (past-tense)

One word--SHUUUUU!... (Below threshold)
jhow66:

One word--SHUUUUU!

Humiliated *and* resurrecte... (Below threshold)

Humiliated *and* resurrected. Both are important. And no priest can stand between the unwashed masses and God.

Paul Hooson misses the most important distinction between the old testament and the new in that the humiliation, the death on the cross that Muslims refuse to believe because they refuse to believe that God would allow that humiliation, was accompanied by the tearing of the veil that separated regular folks from the holy of holies. Direct access to God through the death of Christ (who died in our place) and an invitation to familiarity, to the equivalent of "Hey, Daddy-o".

There are things that offend me far more than a Chocolate Jesus, though that offends me too, both as a Christian and as someone who has little time for the notion that the ability to offend defines art. It's a cheat for achieving the edgy. Oh how daring! Oh how provocative!

It's easy to be provocative. It's *lazy*. And in this case it's also *safe*. And I like that Jay Tea's lyrics point that out so clearly. Christians will be offended, but we won't be violent. The artist gets creds for being so very daring without actually having to *dare* anything at all.

Try a chocolate Muhammad and see how daring it's possible to be.

A chocolate Muhammad? Yes b... (Below threshold)
914:

A chocolate Muhammad? Yes but dont try it without pullin a Salmon Rusdie or going incognito for the rest of Your life.

And you posted this on Palm... (Below threshold)
Peter F.:

And you posted this on Palm Sunday no less. What? Are you trying to get upgraded to first class on your trip to Hell?

;-)

(I jest, of course. Very funny!)

April Fool'S?... (Below threshold)

April Fool'S?

Jay, I can't speak for othe... (Below threshold)
Patti:

Jay, I can't speak for others, but your being an agnostic doesn't bother me in the least.

What DOES bother me is that the artist wouldn't DARE create this work of "art" representing Mohammed.

Because Christians, Buddhists, and others are not normally violent, they've become whipping boys for those who don't share their beliefs.

I wasn't upset about chocolate Jesus. I am upset with those who say anyone who thinks it in poor taste ( forgive the pun ) is a racist. I have heard that criticism. Ridiculous.

I also don't appreciate the faint veneer of superiority I sometimes detect in non-religous people, as though they are viewing the fray from a higher level.

I was an agnostic in ninth grade, but I got over it.

I don't care what anyone believes, so long as they don't confuse courage with exhibitionism.

Ye ain't a' goin' ta HAAIII... (Below threshold)
-S-:

Ye ain't a' goin' ta HAAIIILLLL fer those lyrics, Jay.

And, you might know by now (at least otherwise, then, know by now) that the minute you suggest I look away, I'm gonna' look.

~;-D

Jesus lived a human life, and it's written (Bible) that He knew in his human lifetime all temptations known to Man. That means, he sweated, mighta' had a single brow, hangnails, desires, fears and anxieties and all the bodily function embarrassments that every human person has. He was and remains God, but He lived as a human man while here among us. It's a difficult thing to wrap one's head around but then, that's why God's God and the rest of us are His creations.

And, Jay, I am of the impre... (Below threshold)
-S-:

And, Jay, I am of the impression that you post these "I'm an agnostic" recurring threads because you actually, in your heart o' hearts, want to know what Christians think and feel.

You're a good and sweet person. I am nearly SURE that God has plans for you, accordingly...

Blessed Sunday to ya'.

Shock art is not about art ... (Below threshold)
Mac Lorry:

Shock art is not about art it's about shock. Jesus and the Cross are often the subject because there are many Christians to be shocked, yet they are unlikely to respond with violence. The driving force is that talentless wannabe artists can gain much notoriety by engaging in shocking irreverence to Jesus and the Cross. Being this cheap trick has been done over and over again is compelling testimony that Christianity is a religion of peace in fact, not just in words. There's no point warning those who practice public irreverence for God's Son and the symbol of the atonement He made, because they don't believe God is real anyway.

Shocking art from Ralph Hit... (Below threshold)
kim:

Shocking art from Ralph Hitz.

BAKED SUGAR-CURED HAM, MOTHER'S STYLE

6 very large sweet potatoes
1/2 cup pineapple juice
2 lbs. cooked ham, sliced
3 apples
1/4 lb. butter
1/2 cup strained honey.

Boil the potatoes with the skins on for about 30 minutes. Peel them while hot and mash thoroughly. Add pineapple juice and mix well. Butter a large baking dish, place a thin layer of mashed sweet potatoes in the bottom. Place a layer of ham on top of the potatoes and cover the ham with a layer of sliced fresh apples; sprinkle with a little salt, dot with butter and a little honey. Repeat this method until all the potatoes, apples, ham and honey have been used. The top layer should be sweet potatoes. Sprinkle with a little melted butter and bake in a moderate oven for 1 hour. Serves 6.

H/T Irene Hume Taylor
===============

Personally, I don't care wh... (Below threshold)
_Mike_:

Personally, I don't care what this or any other artist does... as long as tax dollars aren't expended to support it. Otherwise, my feeling is that he who pays the piper, picks the tune.

What the hell was all the h... (Below threshold)
Ryan:

What the hell was all the hub bub anyway? Was it just the medium? I don't see how chocolate is somehow more offense than, say, wood or marble. It's an easily moldable substance. I doubt any firebombings are gonna take place, but as soon as I heard of the backlash over this, I had to think of the Danish cartoon thing and smile at the irony.




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