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A sorry excuse for an education

Quite a few people are bent out of shape over the banning of the College Republicans from the University of Rhode Island. It seems that their take on "affirmative action" -- a fund raiser for a "straight white male" scholarship -- didn't go over too well, and the school told them to apologize or be decertified.

While a lot of people are upset and talking about lawsuits, I think they should take a different tack.

If the school wants an apology, give it to 'em.

I modestly offer my own efforts as a model:

We, the College Republicans of the University of Rhode Island, would like to issue the following apology.

We deeply regret that so many people misunderstood our recent satirical attempt to foster dialogue about the practice of race-based discriminatory practices, more commonly known as "affirmative action." Our attempt was not to cause irreparable harm to the self-esteem of anyone, but to begin a discussion on the merits of the issue.

We did not understand that on a college campus, traditionally a bastion of free thought and free expression, certain ideas are held so dearly and so delicately that to even hint of questioning their merits and validity was nothing less than a violent rape of the entire academic structure, a rape the likes of which only prior seen at Duke Lacrosse Team parties. We had not the slightest inkling of the consequences of our actions.

Our actions were not motivated by hatred, but by our own inabilities to comprehend the consequences of our actions. It is our cultural backgrounds that led us to this terrible course of action. We poorly chose our race, our sex, and our sexual orientation, willfully taking up the mantle of the most oppressive, most brutal, most conquering demographic in human history -- the heterosexual white male. And we compounded that error by not accepting the collective guilt and responsibility for all the evils committed by our fellow heterosexual white males throughout human history.

Further, we grossly overestimated our own abilities. In raising a token (sorry -- "negligible") amount of money for a scholarship to be awarded based purely on the basis of race, sex, and sexual orientation, we thought to align ourselves with previously-established University practices, while practicing an ancient literary tradition called "satire." Our error was compounded by modeling our actions on those of another heterosexual white male (this one, thank heavens, long safely dead) by the name of "Dr. Jonathan Swift." (Probably a pseudonym.) Dr. Swift, in one of the most renowned works of satire, endorsed cannibalism. We thought our proposal was considerably less offensive than eating infants, so we felt safe in pursuing it. Obviously that was a grave error in judgment.

If we are allowed to return to the University of Rhode Island and be reinstated as a fully-sanctioned student organization, we pledge that we will not only avoid such actions in the future, but attempt to make reparations to those we offended. Our efforts will include, but not be limited to, the following ideas:

  • Promote general safety and longer lifespans by members of minorities by reserving the safest seats on buses and other forms of transportation for them, while we will accept the greater danger by sitting up front.
  • Demonstrate the proper stigmas associated with our race and sex and sexual orientation by establishing "Straight White Male-Only" water fountains.
  • Protect the sensibilities of minorities from exposure to our selves by segregating ourselves in "Straight White Male Only" residences.
  • Donate the proceeds of our scholarship drive to the applying student who can demonstrate that they are the least straight, least white, and least male person on campus.

We hope that this offer is taken in the inclusive, accepting, tolerant, and peace-loving spirit in which it is offered -- and which are the hallmarks of this fine school.


Comments (11)

Um, pretty sure it was the ... (Below threshold)
Tim:

Um, pretty sure it was the Student Government they were having the problems with, NOT the school administration.

My take was the school administration told the student government to back off, and they failed to do so.

Ahh, good ole liberals, alw... (Below threshold)
Gianni:

Ahh, good ole liberals, always for free speech, unless they dont agree, then they are against it.

Very nice, JT. All that's m... (Below threshold)
Dan S:

Very nice, JT. All that's missing is a "publicly" in #4 bulleted item to make it brilliant! :P

And, Tim, the U administration has a responsibility to, um, manage and administer the school, and that includes keeping students in certain bounds. "Student" includes "the Student Government." If the student gummint published a manifesto urging other students to violently purge the campus of all non-gay, white males, are you suggesting the admin would not have a responsibility to act to put an end to that before someone was hurt or killed?

Instead of supporting the satiricists' rights to "act out" a satire in this fashion, they make weak protestations. Why don't they simply say, "You either reinstate CR and admit what they did is within the bounds of political discourse and student behavior, or we will dissolve this student government as it is in violation of student rights and policy. We will then appoint a new interim student government for the rest of the year with instructions that they reinstate CR as first order of business."

Definition of "tolerance"..... (Below threshold)
Liberal Dictionary:

Definition of "tolerance"...

Tolerating only that with which we agree.

In the words of the inimita... (Below threshold)

In the words of the inimitable Reynolds - heh.

That apology is a weasel wo... (Below threshold)
Fred Z:

That apology is a weasel worded non-apology and I would rather leave weasel words to the left.

Hmm, I think that this may ... (Below threshold)

Hmm, I think that this may cause a problem...
But we won't know for sure until we have a stripper, a Reverend, and 80 college professors to sound in!

There is nothing more fasci... (Below threshold)
drjohn:

There is nothing more fascist than a college liberal.

GO Rams! The administration... (Below threshold)
Allium:

GO Rams! The administration went over board on this one - sorta helps to hear the word directly from a student there.

I guess the NAACP can dictate who can apply for monies but a student group cant through 100 bucks in a pot and make the same type of conditions.

"Further, we grossly ove... (Below threshold)
Herman:

"Further, we grossly overestimated our own abilities."

Spoken like a true Republican.

My friend, this post proves... (Below threshold)

My friend, this post proves you have not yet "arrived." Had you been on the Hot List, saying what you say above, you would have been hung from the highest yardarm after being eviscerated and disemboweled for heresy of the highest and most heinous nature. You'd be competing for space in Rehab facilities with Imus. Code Pink would be auctioning off a nice leather jacket made from your hide to raise funds for Islamic Jihad, or whomever's cookies they are selling this week.

The rest of us would also be pilloried for our Euro-centric posts like "In Defense of Jay Tea: The Case for Freedom" and be de-listed from Google for BadThink.

But you haven't achieved stardom as of yet, so you will be dismissed as just another example of intolerance from the right.

About the only good thing is we won't have to write those impassioned pleas on your behalf. It won't be like being a close friend of Tom Paine or Sam Adams before the Revolution; it will be more like being a known associate of Cyrus Farber.

Who's Cyrus Farber? My point, exactly . . .




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