(LOS ANGELES) -- Police announced today that they have broken up a plot to kill singer Sheryl Crowe in response to her recent efforts to promote environmental awareness.
Authorities say they have the ringleader, 89-year-old grocer George Whipple, was incensed over her calls for people to reduce their use of bathroom tissue. "That stuff is my bread and butter," Whipple was alleged to have said. "I have grandkids to put through college, and that one-hit wonder twit was talking about cutting my sales to a fraction."
Whipple's plot apparently involved sending specially-trained killer bears on to one of Crowe's concerts. Once she started singing her trademark hit, "Soak Up The Sun," they would attack her and unfurl banners that would read "SOAK UP THIS, BITCH!" and "BET THIS'LL TAKE MORE THAN ONE SQUARE!"
Charmin, the employer of record of both Mr. Whipple and the bears, issued a statement that neither Whipple nor the bears were acting with the knowledge or approval of Charmin or their corporate parent, Procter & Gamble, and had been terminated immediately. They also expressed their respect and admiration for Crowe, describing her music as "so squeezably soft, it's irresistible."
(Spelling fixed)
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Comments (26)
very good.Prepare ... (Below threshold)1. Posted by wavemaker | April 26, 2007 6:37 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
very good.
Prepare for a visit from HSA.
1. Posted by wavemaker | April 26, 2007 6:37 AM |
Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Posted on April 26, 2007 06:37
2. Posted by Darby | April 26, 2007 6:40 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Oh man...
One of the funniest things I've read on the web all week.
2. Posted by Darby | April 26, 2007 6:40 AM |
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Posted on April 26, 2007 06:40
3. Posted by Mac Lorry | April 26, 2007 6:53 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
You're really on a roll Jay.
3. Posted by Mac Lorry | April 26, 2007 6:53 AM |
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Posted on April 26, 2007 06:53
4. Posted by Henry | April 26, 2007 7:01 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
cough..isn't her name "Sheryl" Crow?
Otherwise, it's quite amusing :)
4. Posted by Henry | April 26, 2007 7:01 AM |
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Posted on April 26, 2007 07:01
5. Posted by joe | April 26, 2007 7:25 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Oh the wit!
You are easily the funniest man alive!
Sure Hollywood beckons now, and recognises your literary genius?
5. Posted by joe | April 26, 2007 7:25 AM |
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Posted on April 26, 2007 07:25
6. Posted by Eric Forhan | April 26, 2007 8:16 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Don't squeeze my Charmin!
6. Posted by Eric Forhan | April 26, 2007 8:16 AM |
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Posted on April 26, 2007 08:16
7. Posted by kim | April 26, 2007 8:59 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Does she have any idea how big my act is?
===========================
7. Posted by kim | April 26, 2007 8:59 AM |
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Posted on April 26, 2007 08:59
8. Posted by ted | April 26, 2007 9:05 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
People have been so worried about BIG oil? What about BIG toilet paper? That is an industry to be reckoned with.
8. Posted by ted | April 26, 2007 9:05 AM |
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Posted on April 26, 2007 09:05
9. Posted by Robert the Llama Butcher | April 26, 2007 9:14 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Well done, but now I have a pretty good idea of how old you are, too.
9. Posted by Robert the Llama Butcher | April 26, 2007 9:14 AM |
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Posted on April 26, 2007 09:14
10. Posted by Rodney Dill | April 26, 2007 9:26 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
In other news Kimberly-Clark names Paul Bunyon as their anti-Sheryl Crowe spokesperson.
10. Posted by Rodney Dill | April 26, 2007 9:26 AM |
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Posted on April 26, 2007 09:26
11. Posted by jennifer | April 26, 2007 9:46 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Hey... Well done, but now I have a pretty good idea of how old you are, too...
This joke is timeless...No need to pull age jokes, in a time when personal hygiene is at risk.
11. Posted by jennifer | April 26, 2007 9:46 AM |
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Posted on April 26, 2007 09:46
12. Posted by Dan S | April 26, 2007 9:57 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
You know, this whole thing has made me wonder what new twist we will see on that old aphorism, "eat crow."
Or should I say it will put a new taste to eating crow?
12. Posted by Dan S | April 26, 2007 9:57 AM |
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Posted on April 26, 2007 09:57
13. Posted by kim | April 26, 2007 10:11 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Eat soup, meat's too expensive.
==================
13. Posted by kim | April 26, 2007 10:11 AM |
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Posted on April 26, 2007 10:11
14. Posted by geobandy | April 26, 2007 10:16 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Thanks Jay. It's gonna take a LOT more than one square to clean up the floor under my chair.
14. Posted by geobandy | April 26, 2007 10:16 AM |
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Posted on April 26, 2007 10:16
15. Posted by Gmac | April 26, 2007 11:20 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
So Whittle and the boys are going to put the squeeze on Crow eh?
Definatley started my day off with a good laugh, thanks.
15. Posted by Gmac | April 26, 2007 11:20 AM |
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Posted on April 26, 2007 11:20
16. Posted by moseby | April 26, 2007 12:18 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Does Ms. Crow understand the "unintended consequences" of her actions? Limiting everyone to one square will cause an increase in the population of Klingons around Uranus.
16. Posted by moseby | April 26, 2007 12:18 PM |
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Posted on April 26, 2007 12:18
17. Posted by pgg | April 26, 2007 12:27 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
I have only one question...
Is Sheryl Crow going to cover Van Morrison's "Brown Eyed Girl" on her next album?
17. Posted by pgg | April 26, 2007 12:27 PM |
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Posted on April 26, 2007 12:27
18. Posted by Brian | April 26, 2007 2:42 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Once she started singing her trademark hit, "Soak Up The Sun," they would attack her and unfurl banners that would read "SOAK UP THIS, BITCH!" and "BET THIS'LL TAKE MORE THAN ONE SQUARE!"
Gee, Jay. This helps your missive against vile sexist comments to be taken sooooo much more seriously.
18. Posted by Brian | April 26, 2007 2:42 PM |
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Posted on April 26, 2007 14:42
19. Posted by Jay Tea | April 26, 2007 3:23 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Brian, if you wanna call it a "botched joke," be my guest. I understand that argument holds a great deal of weight among your people.
If not, then, I will simply say that it fit the general tone and context of the story. It seemed the kind of thing that trained assassin bears might put on a sign.
If you'd like to claim greater insight into the stylings of trained assassin bears, please feel free to offer an alternative wording.
J.
19. Posted by Jay Tea | April 26, 2007 3:23 PM |
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Posted on April 26, 2007 15:23
20. Posted by Brian | April 26, 2007 4:34 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Don't worry, Jay. One used to have to apologize for a "botched joke". Nowadays it's acceptable to just dismiss the critics. Besides, your joke was perfectly unbotched, and exactly as you intended, wasn't it?
I have no knowledge of the world of trained assassin bears. However, I suspect that once they make statements containing vile sexist comments, they don't then turn around and immediately write an essay condemning those who make vile sexist comments.
Oh, but yours was a "joke", so it doesn't count. Got it.
20. Posted by Brian | April 26, 2007 4:34 PM |
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Posted on April 26, 2007 16:34
21. Posted by moseby | April 26, 2007 5:00 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Let's all sing cumbayah for brian...or better yet..."I gave my love a cherry..."
Lighten up dude.
21. Posted by moseby | April 26, 2007 5:00 PM |
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Posted on April 26, 2007 17:00
22. Posted by Jay Tea | April 26, 2007 5:10 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Brian, I didn't say it. The bears did. Take your complaints to them.
Preferably, in person.
J.
22. Posted by Jay Tea | April 26, 2007 5:10 PM |
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Posted on April 26, 2007 17:10
23. Posted by Candy | April 26, 2007 7:19 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
For the record, I tried the "one square" thing the very morning that ol' Sheryl appeared on Drudge. It don't work.
Back in the 30's during the Depression, my mother had a mean ol' aunt who only gave them each two squares for #1, three squares for #2. NEVER did I think that anyone could top that.
Did anyone hear about the removable sleeve she is producing so we can apparently wipe our mouths on our removable sleeves and save a virgin tree from becoming paper napkins??? Won't that cause more dirty laundry, which will affect our oceans?
Holy crap. I can't take it anymore......
23. Posted by Candy | April 26, 2007 7:19 PM |
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Posted on April 26, 2007 19:19
24. Posted by Bill M | April 26, 2007 9:30 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Holy crap. I can't take it anymore......
Step away from the TP, miss. In accordance with CroweLaw 23255.R5336.para32.658(b)522.3, you are hereby restricted to 3/4 square of TP (single sheet per above CroweLaw) to clean up any mess you may have made. Further such outbursts may result in additional restrictions......
24. Posted by Bill M | April 26, 2007 9:30 PM |
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Posted on April 26, 2007 21:30
25. Posted by Candy | April 26, 2007 9:52 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
If we are restricted to 1 sheet and 3/4 of a sheet for cleanups, I'm going to have to go on a strict bananas & cheese diet.
25. Posted by Candy | April 26, 2007 9:52 PM |
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Posted on April 26, 2007 21:52
26. Posted by Andrea | April 27, 2007 10:49 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
How can Sheryl Crow be a target for murder and Michael Moore still be breathing (and EATING)? I think that we should get our priorities straight.
26. Posted by Andrea | April 27, 2007 10:49 AM |
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Posted on April 27, 2007 10:49