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Breaking news: arrests made in plot to assassinate Sheryl Crowe

(LOS ANGELES) -- Police announced today that they have broken up a plot to kill singer Sheryl Crowe in response to her recent efforts to promote environmental awareness.

Authorities say they have the ringleader, 89-year-old grocer George Whipple, was incensed over her calls for people to reduce their use of bathroom tissue. "That stuff is my bread and butter," Whipple was alleged to have said. "I have grandkids to put through college, and that one-hit wonder twit was talking about cutting my sales to a fraction."

Whipple's plot apparently involved sending specially-trained killer bears on to one of Crowe's concerts. Once she started singing her trademark hit, "Soak Up The Sun," they would attack her and unfurl banners that would read "SOAK UP THIS, BITCH!" and "BET THIS'LL TAKE MORE THAN ONE SQUARE!"

Charmin, the employer of record of both Mr. Whipple and the bears, issued a statement that neither Whipple nor the bears were acting with the knowledge or approval of Charmin or their corporate parent, Procter & Gamble, and had been terminated immediately. They also expressed their respect and admiration for Crowe, describing her music as "so squeezably soft, it's irresistible."

(Spelling fixed)


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Comments (26)

very good.Prepare ... (Below threshold)

very good.

Prepare for a visit from HSA.

Oh man...One of th... (Below threshold)
Darby:

Oh man...

One of the funniest things I've read on the web all week.

You're really on a roll Jay... (Below threshold)
Mac Lorry:

You're really on a roll Jay.

cough..isn't her name "Sher... (Below threshold)

cough..isn't her name "Sheryl" Crow?

Otherwise, it's quite amusing :)

Oh the wit!You are... (Below threshold)
joe:

Oh the wit!

You are easily the funniest man alive!

Sure Hollywood beckons now, and recognises your literary genius?

Don't squeeze my Charmin!</... (Below threshold)
Eric Forhan:

Don't squeeze my Charmin!

Does she have any idea how ... (Below threshold)
kim:

Does she have any idea how big my act is?
===========================

People have been so worried... (Below threshold)
ted:

People have been so worried about BIG oil? What about BIG toilet paper? That is an industry to be reckoned with.

Well done, but now I have a... (Below threshold)

Well done, but now I have a pretty good idea of how old you are, too.

In other news Kimberly-Clar... (Below threshold)

In other news Kimberly-Clark names Paul Bunyon as their anti-Sheryl Crowe spokesperson.

Hey... Well done, but now I... (Below threshold)

Hey... Well done, but now I have a pretty good idea of how old you are, too...

This joke is timeless...No need to pull age jokes, in a time when personal hygiene is at risk.

You know, this whole thing ... (Below threshold)
Dan S:

You know, this whole thing has made me wonder what new twist we will see on that old aphorism, "eat crow."

Or should I say it will put a new taste to eating crow?

Eat soup, meat's too expens... (Below threshold)
kim:

Eat soup, meat's too expensive.
==================

Thanks Jay. It's gonna take... (Below threshold)
geobandy:

Thanks Jay. It's gonna take a LOT more than one square to clean up the floor under my chair.

So Whittle and the boys are... (Below threshold)
Gmac:

So Whittle and the boys are going to put the squeeze on Crow eh?

Definatley started my day off with a good laugh, thanks.

Does Ms. Crow understand th... (Below threshold)
moseby:

Does Ms. Crow understand the "unintended consequences" of her actions? Limiting everyone to one square will cause an increase in the population of Klingons around Uranus.

I have only one question...... (Below threshold)
pgg:

I have only one question...

Is Sheryl Crow going to cover Van Morrison's "Brown Eyed Girl" on her next album?

Once she started singing... (Below threshold)
Brian:

Once she started singing her trademark hit, "Soak Up The Sun," they would attack her and unfurl banners that would read "SOAK UP THIS, BITCH!" and "BET THIS'LL TAKE MORE THAN ONE SQUARE!"

Gee, Jay. This helps your missive against vile sexist comments to be taken sooooo much more seriously.

Brian, if you wanna call it... (Below threshold)

Brian, if you wanna call it a "botched joke," be my guest. I understand that argument holds a great deal of weight among your people.

If not, then, I will simply say that it fit the general tone and context of the story. It seemed the kind of thing that trained assassin bears might put on a sign.

If you'd like to claim greater insight into the stylings of trained assassin bears, please feel free to offer an alternative wording.

J.

Don't worry, Jay. One used ... (Below threshold)
Brian:

Don't worry, Jay. One used to have to apologize for a "botched joke". Nowadays it's acceptable to just dismiss the critics. Besides, your joke was perfectly unbotched, and exactly as you intended, wasn't it?

I have no knowledge of the world of trained assassin bears. However, I suspect that once they make statements containing vile sexist comments, they don't then turn around and immediately write an essay condemning those who make vile sexist comments.

Oh, but yours was a "joke", so it doesn't count. Got it.

Let's all sing cumbayah for... (Below threshold)
moseby:

Let's all sing cumbayah for brian...or better yet..."I gave my love a cherry..."

Lighten up dude.

Brian, I didn't say it. The... (Below threshold)

Brian, I didn't say it. The bears did. Take your complaints to them.

Preferably, in person.

J.

For the record, I tried the... (Below threshold)
Candy:

For the record, I tried the "one square" thing the very morning that ol' Sheryl appeared on Drudge. It don't work.

Back in the 30's during the Depression, my mother had a mean ol' aunt who only gave them each two squares for #1, three squares for #2. NEVER did I think that anyone could top that.

Did anyone hear about the removable sleeve she is producing so we can apparently wipe our mouths on our removable sleeves and save a virgin tree from becoming paper napkins??? Won't that cause more dirty laundry, which will affect our oceans?


Holy crap. I can't take it anymore......

Holy crap. I can't take ... (Below threshold)
Bill M:

Holy crap. I can't take it anymore......

Step away from the TP, miss. In accordance with CroweLaw 23255.R5336.para32.658(b)522.3, you are hereby restricted to 3/4 square of TP (single sheet per above CroweLaw) to clean up any mess you may have made. Further such outbursts may result in additional restrictions......

If we are restricted to 1 s... (Below threshold)
Candy:

If we are restricted to 1 sheet and 3/4 of a sheet for cleanups, I'm going to have to go on a strict bananas & cheese diet.

How can Sheryl Crow be a ta... (Below threshold)
Andrea:

How can Sheryl Crow be a target for murder and Michael Moore still be breathing (and EATING)? I think that we should get our priorities straight.




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