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Let's Give Ted A Hand!

Today's Boston Globe has a story that Ted Kennedy is considering writing a book about his life in public service. I thought that the Senior Senator (D-Chivas) could use a little help, so why don't we suggest a few titles he might use?

I'll start things off:

Who Says Fat, Drunk, And Stupid Is No Way To Go Through Life?

My 45 Years Of Screwing Up America

You CAN Fool All Of The People All Of The Time... As Long As They're From Massachusetts

Never An Honest Day's Work

...And I Alone Survived: An American Tragedy (Subtitle: Joe Jr,, Jack, and Bobby died, and this guy made it?

Named For The Family Chauffeur, But I Sure As Hell Can't Drive Like He Could

OK, I've had my fun. Now you folks go at it.


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Comments (76)

The Unforgiven.... (Below threshold)

The Unforgiven.

Grapes of Sloth.... (Below threshold)

Grapes of Sloth.

To Kill a Kopechne.... (Below threshold)

To Kill a Kopechne.

Profiles in Slurrage.... (Below threshold)

Profiles in Slurrage.

Worn and Pieced.... (Below threshold)

Worn and Pieced.

Bullwinkle Wins, but here a... (Below threshold)

Bullwinkle Wins, but here are some other JFK inspired entries sure to engage JT:

Why Massachusetts Slept

State of Idiots

How to Kill Friends and Inf... (Below threshold)

How to Kill Friends and Influence No One But Gullible Voters

My Left Manboob... (Below threshold)

My Left Manboob

Teddy Potted and the Oldsmo... (Below threshold)

Teddy Potted and the Oldsmobile of Death

Liquid Courage: the Teddy K... (Below threshold)

Liquid Courage: the Teddy Kennedy Story

Dishonored... (Below threshold)
Zelsdorf Ragshaft III:


A Bridge Too Drunk... (Below threshold)

A Bridge Too Drunk

Dishonored</blockq... (Below threshold)

How about:

Drunk, Depantsed, Disheveled and Dishonored

300 -proof... (Below threshold)

300 -proof

Tuesdays With Johnnie Walke... (Below threshold)

Tuesdays With Johnnie Walker

Up From Sloth... (Below threshold)

Up From Sloth

Is "Moby Dick" taken?... (Below threshold)

Is "Moby Dick" taken?

If it's Scotch it must be M... (Below threshold)

If it's Scotch it must be Monday morning

A Bridge too Far

(yes it is taken, but If Joe Biden can do it why not Teddy).

My life as the top slice of a Waitress Sandwhich, with an introduction by Chris "bottom slice" Dodd.

"The Politically Correct Gu... (Below threshold)

"The Politically Correct Guide to Hating Your Country"

"The Idiots Guide to Killing Chicks"

"Everything you wanted to know about making a waitress sandwich, but were afraid to ask"

"Goodbye Mary Jo, hello dec... (Below threshold)

"Goodbye Mary Jo, hello decades of success in the dem party"

Ted Kennedy: How to lose a ton, stay sober and protect the Constitution, an instruction manual (Forward by Kim Jong il)

The Great GasbagGo... (Below threshold)

The Great Gasbag

Gone with the Wind Farm

Massholes: We're Not All Drunk, We Just Drive that Way

The Bubble (King Bill versi... (Below threshold)

The Bubble (King Bill version)

chapter 1) verse 13) And the family attorney said, Lo, and there was a misdemeanor, cast down upon The Chosen One. And he beheld the Oldsmobile, and it was good. And Teddy said, I prayed the Lord give me a firmament, 'neath my shoddin hooves, And it was so. And Chivas begat Regal, etc., etc.

Drunk With Power: The Teddy... (Below threshold)

Drunk With Power: The Teddy Kennedy Story

Dude! Where's My Pants?... (Below threshold)

Dude! Where's My Pants?

Politics for [Fat Assed] Du... (Below threshold)

Politics for [Fat Assed] Dummies.

"Catch 22 -broads in a limo... (Below threshold)

"Catch 22 -broads in a limo"

"How to Speak to a Tanked Senator (if you must)"

"A Tree gets peed on, and dies, in Boston"

"Treason: A how to manual"

"Power to the Bartender!"

"The Looming Blowhard"

"Liberal obfuscations to conservative truths"

"Roses to the left of me, a pool to the right (How I staggered between them unscathed)"

"101 Temperance Laws that could ruin America"

"The Drinker You Vote, The Senator You Get"

"Do (nothing) as I say. I'm a horrible creep, didn't you know ?

Fatenheit 911 (lbs)... (Below threshold)
Son Of The Godfather:

Fatenheit 911 (lbs)

The Windmills Of My Mind...... (Below threshold)
Son Of The Godfather:

The Windmills Of My Mind... But Not My Backyard

Mein kampf II... (Below threshold)
spurwing plover:

Mein kampf II

If I Did It... (Below threshold)

If I Did It

The Fellowship of the Drink... (Below threshold)

The Fellowship of the Drink

The Two Faces

The Return of the DrinKing

Fair is Fair here so I'll d... (Below threshold)

Fair is Fair here so I'll do some fo [b]ush's autobiography.

Who Says Coke Snorting, Drunk, And Stupid Is No Way To Get To Be President.

My 8 Years Of Screwing Up The World

You CAN Lie TOl All Of The People All Of The Time... As Long As They're From The Right Wing

Never An Honest Day's Work - Always on Vacation

...And I Alone Survived ; I Destroyed The Middle Easy All By Myself

Named For My Daddy But Not Big Enough To Fill His ShoesI

JFO: I'm a big fat idiot wh... (Below threshold)

JFO: I'm a big fat idiot who can't stay on topic...

ADD I guess.

Ooops so sorry about that J... (Below threshold)

Ooops so sorry about that JO. I thought idiots was the topic.

"JFO: I'm a big fat idiot w... (Below threshold)

"JFO: I'm a big fat idiot who can't stay on topic..."

C'mon, Jo! There's no indication that he's fat!

Other than having to... (Below threshold)

Other than having to make a small change on numbers one and five, the NYT Bestselling non fiction list does pretty well too:


Kennedy Means Never Having ... (Below threshold)

Kennedy Means Never Having to Say You're Sorry

Being a [b]ush Means Never ... (Below threshold)

Being a [b]ush Means Never Being Able To Say You Were Right

Jackass Fella... (Below threshold)

Jackass Fellating Ostrich?

Priceless, epador. Alternat... (Below threshold)

Priceless, epador. Alternates:

Court Jester of Camelot: Ted Kennedy and the Career only Machiavelli Could Explain

Now I think we should jump to the ghostwriting part. One should always work with a sharp opening paragraph. Ahem:

"It was a dark and lonely night. Although he knew the breathy bubbling welling up from the river belonged to the pretty contents of the car, he bit his lip and turned and trudged toward the light of the distant house, knowing it was better this way. 'Help is at hand!' he thought to himself. 'They'll have a phone, and plenty of Crown Royal on ice.'

The topic was people about ... (Below threshold)

The topic was people about to write a book. Is Bush about to write a book?

Please grow up sometime before you're 6 feet under. Thanks.

"How To Drown A Woman, Neve... (Below threshold)

"How To Drown A Woman, Never Serve Time, And STILL Be A Hero In The Democrat Party"

"Being a [b]ush Means Never... (Below threshold)

"Being a [b]ush Means Never Having To Say You Were Right"

fixed that for ya

Sharks: Swimming with Kenne... (Below threshold)

Sharks: Swimming with Kennedy's

"Twentieth Century Oxygen T... (Below threshold)

"Twentieth Century Oxygen Theives: The Saga of Two Uncle Joes"...with a riveting forward by their son Ted Kennedy.

The Killing Pool: Cape Cod ... (Below threshold)

The Killing Pool: Cape Cod Diaries, by Ted Kennedy. Foreward by Pierre Salinger.

The Mystery at Chappaquiddi... (Below threshold)

The Mystery at Chappaquiddick Bridge. There's even a cover illustration here:


I can't for the life of me remember where I found this. Anyone know whose work this is?

The Kennedy Critique of the... (Below threshold)

The Kennedy Critique of the Massachusetts Code of Judicial Conduct: A Retrospective on Manslaughter and Sentencing Disparity.

For Immediate Release:... (Below threshold)

For Immediate Release:

Mainstream Media Sounds announced today the release of artist No Cents latest single, "The Beeyotch Drowned" to coincide with the publication of "Chappa Quit It", the autobiography of Senator Edward Kennedy (D) Massachusetts.

A River Runs Through It... (Below threshold)

A River Runs Through It

The Fifth...Element

The Kidneys Are Alright - But The Liver Is Shot

This Is Not Your Father's Oldsmobile

Too Pickled To Die: The Teddy Kennedy Story

Joan of Orc

20 Hours In July That You Won't Ever Hear The Truth About

Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee, But Bury My Liver in (Lynchburg) Tennessee

Splash.... (Below threshold)


Jo:You moron, the ... (Below threshold)


You moron, the topic was titles Ted Kennedy could use for his book. I merely changed it to Bush in the spirit of fair play.

You may not need to grow up but you ought to have a literate adult read for you and then explain what the "topic" is. You might have noticed I made play on each of the titles Jay named. Nah, why would you notice something so obvious?

And this from the bwaaahhhhaaaaaa person? Now that's funny!!

1. Desolate Power... (Below threshold)

1. Desolate Power
2. Belligerence
3. The Big Sleazy
4. Trippin' the Blight of Spastic
5. Midnight Runs

"Splash."Awesome.<... (Below threshold)



Booze BrothersMyst... (Below threshold)

Booze Brothers

Mystic Liver

A Mighty Windbag

JFO:No, the titles... (Below threshold)


No, the titles was for Ted Kennedy's planned book. If Bush were publicly considering a book, then you'd be on topic.

For once.

Oh, and I'm afraid I'm going to take "Splash" off the table. Teddy's already named his dog "Splash," so he has pre-empted everyone who's suggested it.


Hi there fellow bloggers. M... (Below threshold)
Teddy Kennedy:

Hi there fellow bloggers. My name is United States Senator Edward Moore Kennedy from the Great State of Massachusetts. You can call me Ted if you want. I was born on February 22, 1932, although people tell me that I look at least 20 years younger.

I graduated from Harvard in June 1956 in the top 10% of my class. I also passed my law bar on my very first try.

I am one of the most senior members of that grand and much loved and respected institution known as the U.S. Senate. All my colleagues respect me and very often come to me for my wise council and advise. I must admit though that when John and Lindsey ask me to turn around and pull my pants down so that they can kiss my ass it does get a little much, but it's gratifying anyway!

In fact I am so powerful now that I am, in many ways the defacto President of the United States. How's that for a boy who had to work his way through college?

I am handsome and tall with a muscular build. The ladies just can't get enough of me. Sometimes I think it is almost a curse.

I sometimes like to chill out after a long day of serving the American people by having a double martini. Contrary to what some of my very few enemies say I never have more than one drink at a time. Well sometimes one for each hand, but that's it, never two glasses in each hand, except on special occasions like the arrival of 6PM.

I am a lot of fun after work. I am an excellent driver and sometimes I like to go on long drives and see how many bridges I can cross without getting wet. It's a lot of fun! All the women tell me that I am just too much!

I would like to think that I am open minded, honest, polite, and trustworthy. And I appreciate the same qualities in others.

Who I'd like to meet:
...other progressive bloggers. People who like to rock out. Cool people who live close to Washington D.C. so that we can get together, take all our clothes off, paint 666 on ourselves, and run around stark naked and have a whole lot of fun.

"Profiles in Sewage" ... (Below threshold)

"Profiles in Sewage"

I Am The Walrus...Goo Goo G... (Below threshold)

I Am The Walrus...Goo Goo G'Joob

"Jeeves, Another Scotch and... (Below threshold)

"Jeeves, Another Scotch and Soda!"

"Filthy Peasants!"

"Don't You Know Who I Am? - the Ted Kennedy Story"

I heard from an anonymous s... (Below threshold)

I heard from an anonymous source that JFO has a book coming out, here are some of the possible titles.

"Hate-filled, stupid, ignorant and smugly-superior"

"When Bush-hatred is all you have, go with it"

"I peed my pants"

As a life-long Jimmy-Carter Liberal, I'm very surprised you are trying to quash JFO's dissent by...uuhhhhh..... responding.

"Donkey Xote." (obscure til... (Below threshold)

"Donkey Xote." (obscure tilting at windmills reference)

"The Waitress Sandwich: Recipes For A Lifetime of Inebriation."

The saddest thing about JFO... (Below threshold)

The saddest thing about JFO's attempts at a Bush bio title were how terribly lame and lacking in creativity they were. Funny would have bought you some props, even as off topic as they were.

Yeah, like the true ... (Below threshold)

Yeah, like the true believer wingnuts would find any sarcasm about Generalisimo [b]ush funny. Umm, as to my lame titles well they were all plays on Jay's titles. Lame is as lame is I guess. Soooo..........if you look for a commie or islamofascist under your bed Giacomo you might also find where your humor went. Or pull a feather out of one of those silly hats you must like to wear when you dress up and tickle yourself with it. You insult Danny Kaye's memory by the way. You truly are a court clown - certainly not a jester.

JFO, you really should lear... (Below threshold)

JFO, you really should learn to laugh at Teddy with the rest of us. I mean, be honest with yourself. The guy's an absolute JOKE. You're letting your hatred get in the way of laughing at someone who's really, really funny.

...unless, of course, you were hoping to find out what Mary Jo was going to be like when she grew up... maybe then you wouldn't find Teddy all that hilarious. but I digress.

Long Drive on a Short Pier<... (Below threshold)

Long Drive on a Short Pier

The Lady in the Water... (Below threshold)

The Lady in the Water

Tilting at Windmills... (Below threshold)

Tilting at Windmills

I Am The Elephant Seal...Go... (Below threshold)

I Am The Elephant Seal...Goo Goo G'Joob

I Am A Fat Tub Of Goo Goo G... (Below threshold)

I Am A Fat Tub Of Goo Goo G'Joob (hey...this is fun!)

Ted is such a great man it ... (Below threshold)

Ted is such a great man it would take both his brothers, John and Robert combined, to even come close to matching his belt size.

Geez, why is this fat drunk-coward-traitor-cheat-murderer the one that survives so long? What a ripoff. From Camelot to Used Camel Lot.

I Am the Tax Man... (Below threshold)

I Am the Tax Man

Belly Jack... (Below threshold)

Belly Jack

Reality CheckDo yo... (Below threshold)

Reality Check

Do you see the irony when you talk about me letting hatred get in the way? That's a good one.

JFO considers himself an au... (Below threshold)

JFO considers himself an authority on the Kennedys. He thinks he knows Teddy, but he doesn't know Jack!

How To Be Everything the Le... (Below threshold)

How To Be Everything the Left Hates (Fat, Rich, White) and Still Be Loved By Them






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