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Forget a war on terrorism, lets fight a war on gumballs!

What would you say is the most important threat to homeland security facing our nation today? Al Qaeda? Maybe China or Russia? Iran?

Dover, New Jersey has found the real threat, one we should be focusing all of our attention on: gumballs.

Three Dover officials say they've found a serious homeland security threat to chew on: gumballs.

They worry the colorful round treats could be poisoned by an enterprising terrorist who sees them as bait for unsuspecting targets -- young kids.

So, with the approval of the mayor and the skepticism of the police chief in this central Morris County town of 18,000, the three aldermen are in the middle of a nine-month inspection of Dover's coin-operated gumball and candy machines. Thus far, they have surveyed 103 local businesses about their machines.

Led by Alderman Frank Poolas, who envisioned the project and enlisted the aid of fellow Aldermen Jack Delaney and Michael Picciallo, the trio began their investigation six months ago and plan to report their results to Mayor James Dodd Jan. 1.

Already they say they've discovered more than 100 unlicensed coin-operated machines in town -- many filled with gumballs, jawbreakers and other candies they call perfect for potential terrorists.

However, Police Chief Harold "Butch" Valentine said the police department has no reason to believe terrorists are even contemplating contaminating candy.

"We've never received any information to the contrary. The gumballs are safe," he said.

The odds are remote that candy machines would be targeted by terrorists, he added. "You'd probably win the lottery first," Valentine said.

Thomas Zellman, director of the Morris County Department of Law and Public Safety, agreed that gumball machines are "certainly not" a threat to homeland security.

While sticky local issues such as overcrowded housing, taxi ordinances and redevelopment projects have dominated past elections in Dover, Poolas called gumball machine inspections a "high priority."


So let's see... there have been no suspicious looking gumball machines, no complaints of machines seeming to have been tampered with, yet these asshats see them as as a target for terrorism?!

Forget ferries and 747s. Imagine the havoc and terror Al Qaeda could wreak if they got a hold of... gumball machines!!!!

Therefore, Poolas thinks that we must make sure that each and every single gumball machine is licensed. And it isn't about squeezing out a few extra tax dollars, no sirree -- this is for the children.

Hat Tip: Moonbattery


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Comments (13)

I'm sure The Nobel Prize Co... (Below threshold)
Peter F.:

I'm sure The Nobel Prize Committee will be stopping by Dover soon.

I gotta ask, do you know no... (Below threshold)
Veeshir:

I gotta ask, do you know nothing about New Jersey?
This has nothing to do with terrorism, the real reason is right in the part you quoted

Already they say they've discovered more than 100 unlicensed coin-operated machines in town

Okay, so you're a NJ pol who wants to make sure you're jurisdiction is getting all the sweet, sweet revenue it deserves wants but you don't want to look like the money-grubbing, tax-and-spender you really are. So how to avoid that? First instinct, It's for the Children. Second instinct? Terrorism.
This guy managed both. That's pretty impressive for a NJ politician, they're usually much more tone-deaf.

Ooops, I used the wrong "yo... (Below threshold)
Veeshir:

Ooops, I used the wrong "your" and missed the last sentence you wrote, I guess you do know NJ.

Sorry for doubting you.

I forget which blogger said... (Below threshold)
Lloyd:

I forget which blogger said it first, but it remains true. Every terrorist threat sounds silly until they pull it off and kill people.

Or even beyond that, I still won't use Tylenol or anyone else's capsules all these years later.

No one in Dover will care t... (Below threshold)

No one in Dover will care that their money is being wasted. Why?

Because Poolas' effort plays well to many parents infantilization of their children. Everything's allowable as long as Joe & Jane Public's "babies" are kept safe.

As usual, politicians will ... (Below threshold)

As usual, politicians will do everything within their powers to do anything except their jobs. And, as usual, it is all about the money and pointless laws, and not even close to being about the people.

This country is eventually going to drown under the unending tide of frivolous and ultimately pointless legislation we generate.

Don't forget razor blades i... (Below threshold)
nogo war:

Don't forget razor blades in apples on the 31st.

but hey...what if terrorists..in sleeper cells..
put mini-razors into gumballs and passed them off to our innocent children on the 31st?

Thank goodness we have had a generation of fear where kids don't go door to door anymore...but to shopping centers.(That are more than glad to host events...(Xmas is just around the corner)

Fear is always a good thing...
Remember when our nation cowered when the color alert used to be posted on FOX?

thank you for this post...

Nogo is just ticked that wh... (Below threshold)
Jo:

Nogo is just ticked that when people are cowering in fear of terrorism, they don't have as much time to cower in fear of global warming. You people are so transparent an airport screener wouldn't even have to fool with you.


Geesh, what's next?<p... (Below threshold)
marc:

Geesh, what's next?

First it was gumballs, then it was learned a couple idiot democrats on the House Homeland Security Committee think it's best if their committee members get immunized against catching some kinda something when they attend this weekends NASCAR event in North Carolina.

What's next, will there be a terror threat against a Krispy Kreme production facility or threatening calls made to DisneyLand?

nogo:Fe... (Below threshold)
marc:

nogo:


Fear is always a good thing...
Remember when our nation cowered when the color alert used to be posted on FOX?

Yep, I remember it well. I also remember it being displayed on all the rest of the networks and many newspapers also had in a sidebar.

But a barking moonbat such as yourself wouldn't, couldn't possibly remember that and if you did wouldn't couldn't admit it.

Oh and BTW nogo... despite ... (Below threshold)
marc:

Oh and BTW nogo... despite your over blown tripe and implication that the Repubs may have had a had a hand in propagating this silly story to, OMG "frighten the childrens,"... it was the media that went off half cocked and made something out of nothing.

Typical politicians. If the... (Below threshold)
stan25 Author Profile Page:

Typical politicians. If there some way to make sure that there is someone they can take to the cleaners, they will find a way to do it. They use the excuse that they are saving the children. From what? How about saving this country from the money grubbing politicians? That is a better cause than taxing a stupid gumball machine. All I can say is where is the Vaseline?

Everyone knows the gumball ... (Below threshold)
Am I the only one who knows this?:

Everyone knows the gumball vending machines are run by the mob... (and if you didn't know, then YES I'm dead serious, no joke here.)

This is in NEW JERSEY... Hello?

The aldermen ain't doing it for the children... They are running interference for the mob.

I'd bet 100 bucks the FBI is now watching the aldermen. -- Of course we won't know for a few years but remember this post.




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