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Johnny Come Lately

Almost exactly three years after he lost the presidential election, about 33 months since he promised Tim Russert he'd sign the release form to make public his full military record, and three months after the statute of limitations runs out on his right to sue them for defamation, and John Kerry is finally answering the Swift Boat Veterans For Truth's charges about him that damaged his presidential aspirations.

Well, not quite. He's "ready" to answer them.

This morning, I took a stab at some political satire, and lord knows I've satirized John Kerry in the past, but I swear you just can't make up stuff about Kerry that's funnier, dumber, and more satirical than the stuff he says and does to himself -- usually with minimal to no prompting. From his fumbling a Bush-bashing joke into a troops bashing joke and then refusing to admit he'd made an error to his lengthy history as a "trophy husband" (the phrase "gigolo" might fit, but it's a bit harsh) to his throwing his medals over the White House fence (reworked into "someone else's medals" when a reporter spotted Kerry's own medals on display in his Senate office) to he and his brother "Watergating" his opponent's office in his first run for the House to his running the Boston Marathon once in a year he can't remember to his spotting a 16-point buck deer on Cape Cod to his "magic hat" given to him by a CIA agent he'd taken into Cambodia to his attending a Boston fundraiser the same night he attended Game 6 of the 1986 World Series in New York City, the conclusion is just inescapable:

You Can't Make This Shit Up.

No matter the whopper you try to put in John Kerry's mouth, it will be dwarfed by the ones he himself utters.

And this was the best candidate the Democrats could offer America for president in 2004? Good lord, did we ever dodge the bullet that time.


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Comments (46)

But voting for Kerry would ... (Below threshold)

But voting for Kerry would have demostrated so much greater acumen....

But voting for ... (Below threshold)
But voting for Kerry would have demostrated so much greater acumen....

Maybe so, but I for one have been advised by my doctor to cut down on that stuff. Cholesterol, you know.

I wonder if Kerry is pathol... (Below threshold)

I wonder if Kerry is pathological to the point that he thinks these events SHOULD be true, and that he has enough stature that everyone SHOULD believe him even when logic screams against it. It's the only explanation I have.

I swear you just can't m... (Below threshold)
Brian:

I swear you just can't make up stuff about Kerry that's funnier, dumber, and more satirical than the stuff he says and does to himself

This from a Bush supporter? Oh, the irony.

I am not one that swears, b... (Below threshold)

I am not one that swears, but at times it is completely necessary

You Can't Make This Shit Up. Yep, that pretty much is the truth isn't it?

and he's waiting to produce... (Below threshold)
kimsch Author Profile Page:

and he's waiting to produce this "documentation" for what particular purpose?

John Kerry, the gift that k... (Below threshold)
metprof:

John Kerry, the gift that keeps on giving

And this was the best ca... (Below threshold)
mantis:

And this was the best candidate the Democrats could offer America for president in 2004?

No, but he's the one the primary voters selected. The two are often not the same.

What's a traitor (Hanoi Joh... (Below threshold)
Scrapiron:

What's a traitor (Hanoi John) to do except keep up the lies he's told for so many years he think's they're true. I just wonder how Momma 'T' can show her face in public now that she knows his stories were all lies. No Heinz products in this home since 04.

I actually voted against gi... (Below threshold)
914:

I actually voted against givin the country a good laugh, before I voted for it.

"You Can't Make This Shit U... (Below threshold)
Gmac:

"You Can't Make This Shit Up" Actually, I like to use "You can't *pay* for entertainment like this."

"No matter the whopper you try to put in John Kerry's mouth, it will be dwarfed by the ones he himself utters."

Indeed, he was the gift that kept on giving. From when he walked on stage and uttered "...reporting for duty..." to his multiple fabulist statements about his military service and releasing his 180's he was a step ahead of the best satirists money could buy.

John Kerry keeps focusing o... (Below threshold)
Chris G:

John Kerry keeps focusing on the SBVFT like they killed his candidacy by themselves. Maaybe he needs to also blame Osama for releasing his "Indirect Endorsement of Kerry by way Bashing Bush" video.

mantis, it was amazing to w... (Below threshold)

mantis, it was amazing to watch, actually. There *were* Dem candidates that the center would have voted for in 2004 and people *wanted* an alternative to Bush. Many people would have happily tossed Bush over the side if they'd been given an alternative that they believed would have fought the war we were in intelligently.

Which brings me to the Swift Boat stuff. Kerry was being presented, heavily, as someone fit to carry out the war in Iraq *because of* his military experience. He was a hero with medals and everything.

And us knuckle-draggers were supposed to think this was just great.

As I told many a person, MY military experience qualifies me every bit as much for the Presidency as John Kerry's. In other words... not at all.

The linked article is a hoot though. Kerry hasn't prepared *answers* or released his military records in full, he's prepared dossiers on his detractors.

Oy.

John Kerry, the... (Below threshold)
John Kerry, the gift that keeps on giving
Actually, he's the gift that just doesn't know when to quit giving.
Notice in the link Kerrry t... (Below threshold)
Wordygirl:

Notice in the link Kerrry talks about how he has assembled a dossier on the people who criticized him. It doesn't sound so much as though he is prepared to counter their charges as he is to smear their names in retaliation.

Beginning of linked article... (Below threshold)
DaveD:

Beginning of linked article:

"John Kerry said Monday there might be a next time for his presidential aspirations..."

I apologize for not reading the rest of the article. I just couldn't get past the first sentence.

It takes time to do it "sma... (Below threshold)
KB:

It takes time to do it "smarter and better".

Ooops, that's Hillary's slogan now for '08.

Wordygirl,I think ... (Below threshold)
Son Of The Godfather:

Wordygirl,

I think that's it exactly.

It wasn't "Here's my form 180 to prove I was smeared", it was "I've got ammo, now that I've had time to investigate the SwiftVets".

I expect some (pointless and fabricated) smear against members of the Swiftboat Vets in the hopes it will somehow restore his dismal performance as both a soldier and as a man.

I don't care what he "thinks" he has, I credit the SwiftVets for pulling the curtain back on this pompous windbag.

God Bless the Swifties!

Kerry can never restore his... (Below threshold)
The Listkeeper:

Kerry can never restore his dismal performance as a soldier, for he never was one.

``We have put toge... (Below threshold)
marc:
``We have put together a documented portfolio that frankly puts their lies in such a total light of absurdity and indecency, that should they ever rear their ugly heads again, we have every single 't' crossed and 'i' dotted, and I welcome that in a sense,'' Kerry said
Not to put too fine a point on it but.... HORSESHIT!

The perfect and legal place to use any accumulated "documented portfolio" would have been in a court of law and during any defamation suit brought by Kerry.

The pompous windbag let the statute of limitations run out in each venue he legally had available to him.

John Kerry was and still is... (Below threshold)
MikeNC:

John Kerry was and still is a traitor.

This is still a hot issue a... (Below threshold)
Mark:

This is still a hot issue as evidenced by the reaction to Rush Limbaugh's "Phony Soldiers." comment.
The Dim's are a little sensitive and defensive about it because they own so much stock in soldiers like Kerry....

No one thinks more highly o... (Below threshold)
COgirl:

No one thinks more highly of John Kerry than. . . JOHN KERRY.

The Swift Boats organizatio... (Below threshold)

The Swift Boats organization continued to have a have a very high negative impact for those members involved as well. A local Oregon prosecutor who once publicly praised Kerry's military service in a recorded public event, went on record claiming just the opposite with the Swift Boats Vets, when they asked him to participate, and nearly lost his job for later lying about an affair with a woman to his superiors. All of this only served to hurt his reputation and damage his role to effectively prosecute cases and not be undermined by defense lawyers.

The Swift Boats Vets must have Samson has their role model. They not only brought down Kerry, but crushed themselves as well, hurting their own reputations with an ongoing pattern of falsehoods.

I don't understand why he j... (Below threshold)
Scott:

I don't understand why he just doesn't come out and refute them will his portfolio of evidence now if it is so powerful.

Does he keep his portfolio in his magic hat?

but crushed themselves ... (Below threshold)
Veeshir:

but crushed themselves as well, hurting their own reputations with an ongoing pattern of falsehoods.

Do you have some proof of a pattern of falsehoods there Paul? Seriously, you've just made a serious allegation. If you can't back it up, you shouldn't have made it.

The only thing even close to showing they were wrong that I know of is that one of the guys got a Bronze Star in the same incident where Kerry got one of his medals.

Of course, the media ignored that he got the medal a year later, when he was stateside and what was he supposed to do? Tell the Navy to shove their medal? Of course, that was also before John Kerry told his lies in front of Congress during the Winter Soldier deal.

And remember, Kerry had to take back his "Christmas in Cambodia" story, his story of bringing a CIA operative into Cambodia (he still has the hat!) and more.

Hooson:The Swi... (Below threshold)
marc:

Hooson:

The Swift Boats Vets must have Samson has their role model. They not only brought down Kerry, but crushed themselves as well, hurting their own reputations with an ongoing pattern of falsehoods.

Crushed themselves?

And you base that on what? Must be something other than your single unattributed anecdote (Presumably Alfred French ONE of over 200 SBVT's).

BTW Hooson I dare you to take meet Beldar's challenge to name a single specific and material statement of fact by the Swift Boaters that has been fully debunked, or shown to be fully unsubstantiated.

Report when your head stops spinning. If ever.

John Kerry, the gift th... (Below threshold)

John Kerry, the gift that keeps on giving

Looking on the bright side, if it wasn't for Kerrys fabrications of "serving" our nation, Slick Willy would not have had the opportunity to call Russert a "swiftboater" yesterday. Damn, that Mrs. Clinton sure needs protection from them swiftboatin journalist.

Let's all meet for tea in Laos----Kerry knows the way.......sort of.

Jay, I never really liked J... (Below threshold)

Jay, I never really liked John Kerry all that much as well, and I actually supported what foreign policy goals in Vietnam Johnson and Nixon hoped to achieve back in those days, for better or worst, and opposed Kerry's antiwar efforts back then. But what exactly did the U.S. "dodge" by not electing Kerry in 2004 anyway? The Dow's down 360 points today. Oil is about $96 a barrel. The dollar is hitting record lows against other world currency. The trade deficit is terrible. The federal budget deficit is terrible. Iraq drags on like Vietnam and crushes any optimism for a quick end. Etc, Etc, Etc. Just curious?

Marc, I don't know if it's ... (Below threshold)

Marc, I don't know if it's much use to be redebating the whole 2004 election by anyone at this point. This is 2007, and there's entirely new personalities seeking office at this point. But I was disappointed to see the military service of any soldier attacked in 2004, rather than their specific political views or proposals. The Swift Boats Vets attack was indeed unusual, and more damaging to the losing Kerry campaign than they expected for their failure to refute that campaign with facts of their own.

On the other side, it was claimed by some in 2004 that young Bush while a National Guard member in 1971 got a 15 year old girl pregnant and the family had to arrange an abortion and got arrested for cocaine possession and had his Guard service interupted by spending court ordered community service time at the Martin Luther King House in Houston by a Houston judge in order to satisfy conditions to have the drug case cleared and sealed. So some significant questions about the military service of both Kerry and Bush unfortunately exist among some detractors. But what's the point if these two young soldiers may not have always been model citizens according to some. This is 2007 and does any of this old news of young guys doing fool stuff help much?

21 straight quarters of eco... (Below threshold)

21 straight quarters of economic growth didnt get a mention there Paul? Unemployment at all time low? Federal and State coffers chuck full of revenues?

You could be Chris Matthews "on the rocks" of those drunken talking points.

Iraq is in the process of "dragging" the left under the bus, with the progress thats happening NOW Paul:

Michael Yon: ""I don't believe this is a lull. I believe this is the real thing. I believe that we've seen lulls before, and I've always been very circumspect on taking a chance and saying hey, this is the real thing. But I've seen a change in the mood of the people, and it's remarkable. And I believe if we can just continue to help them progress, and we've got a little bit more serious fighting to do up in Ninewa Province, and then in Kirkuk and Salahaddin Province, and also out in Diayala Province, those four provinces. Other than that, I think really, it's a matter of pouring on the juice and helping them to get this country going again. I mean, they're just finished with the war, as long as we can help get the monkey off their back in the form of al Qaeda, which is pretty much crushed at this point."

The "quick end" may have materialized had it not been for the political games the left has accomplished by cheerleading for the enemy at every turn. BDS at it's finest.

Now that You mention it Pau... (Below threshold)
914:

Now that You mention it Paul Your right!

Kerry would have solved all these things with His superior intellect and kinder gentler nature..

PaulJohn O'Neal has ... (Below threshold)

Paul
John O'Neal has owned John Kerry for decades, going as far back as their first debate on the Dick Cavett show. Kerry is simply no match for a trained lawyer that is both articualte and has a grasp of the facts.....and reality.

As to your other points,the Dow has done well under Bush, particularly after 9/11:

http://moneycentral.msn.com/investor/charts/chartdl.aspx?C6=2007&PeriodType=8&D3=0&CP=0&PT=8&CE=0&&ShowChtBt=Refresh+Chart&DateRangeForm=1&Symbol=%24INDU&C8=2007&C5=11&C7=11&ComparisonsForm=1&D5=0&D4=1&ViewType=0&C9=2&DisplayForm=1

Is the president responsible for $96 a barrel oil? If so why? Do you want the President to propose trade tariffs to reduce the trade deficit and support the dollar?

Can't make this shit up.</p... (Below threshold)
Mitchell:

Can't make this shit up.

Bah!!!!Don't bothe... (Below threshold)
ExSubNuke:

Bah!!!!

Don't bother Paul with FACTS. What use are facts anyway? They merely get in the way of his BDS.

AWAY with your Facts!!!! I spit on them!!!

/sarcasm

Paul Hooson must be Lucy Ra... (Below threshold)
SPQR:

Paul Hooson must be Lucy Ramirez.

It's speaks volumes that on... (Below threshold)
Mitchell:

It's speaks volumes that only Paul would slither out of the Liberal woodwork to defend ole John F'n Kerry. No other self-respecting leftie would.

And, he has no facts to prevent a full venting of his Bush Derangement!

Hooson:Marc, I... (Below threshold)
marc:

Hooson:

Marc, I don't know if it's much use to be redebating the whole 2004 election by anyone at this point. This is 2007, and there's entirely new personalities seeking office at this point.

Tell that to Kerry who every few months drags the SBVT story back into the spotlight.

And I note part of your counter argument was to dredge up the lies and falsehoods associated to Bush during that campaign. However not a word about Beldar's challenge.

While I would agree at this point debating an 2004 issue is pretty much pointless now, one would think for the sake of intellectual honesty you would show some interest in it rather than lump the SBVT story with the tripe about Bush's "cocaine" habit.

For the record there is NO comparison.

Mitchell:It's ... (Below threshold)
marc:

Mitchell:

It's speaks volumes that only Paul would slither out of the Liberal woodwork to defend ole John F'n Kerry.

Give barneyG2000 enough time and he'll be by in full on denial mode while wearing a replica CIA Lucky Hat.

I know. I am shocked that ... (Below threshold)
Mitchell:

I know. I am shocked that BarneyGoogle hasn't also slithered out.

It is now seared, seared in my memory.

Hooson.Not that it... (Below threshold)

Hooson.

Not that it would be guaranteed to help you, but when you make assertions about GWB getting a 15 y/o girl pregnant (assuming he was a teen at the time), you should (1) link to the bullshit, and (2)spank your sorry ass for such a shameless act of idiocy.

Geez, don't forget V.C. the... (Below threshold)

Geez, don't forget V.C. the Wonder Dog, Kerry's fable about the dog he had on his swiftboat that was blown onto another boat unharmed by a mine.

Sheesh.

But the Cambodian Xmas trip? That was real!

wavemaker:"Not... (Below threshold)
marc:

wavemaker:

"Not that it would be guaranteed to help you, but when you make assertions about GWB getting a 15 y/o girl pregnant....."

Come on give hooson a break, he's the only almost PHD in almost every subject under the sun Wizbang has.

"So some significant questi... (Below threshold)

"So some significant questions about the military service of both Kerry and Bush unfortunately exist among some detractors. But what's the point if these two young soldiers may not have always been model citizens according to some. This is 2007 and does any of this old news of young guys doing fool stuff help much?"

Can I say, Paul, that you've actually hit this right on?

The thing that makes a difference between John F. Kerry's and George W. Bush's young foolishness is that Bush's Guard service was never represented as a big deal. It was almost downplayed. While Kerry's 4 months on swiftboat duty and his medals were being presented as the end all and be all of Presidential war-time credentials.

Bush scored well on some things and flew a dangerous plane but he also took advantage of the leeway often given to guard members by their commands.

Kerry was a self-promoter, which is hardly a crime, anyone who has served knows a few of them and generally they do their jobs as well as anyone else. He went home early on a technicality (three "wounds") and told war stories of dubious accuracy. (Like *that* never happens.)

NO ONE would care about either brief career EXCEPT that those of us who are vets were asked to love Kerry because of his service and medals.

*I* have a medal, Paul. Should I be president?

Kerry's campaign promoted and highlighted his military service. The spotlight was HIS spotlight. The Swiftboat Vets for Truth used Kerry's own spotlight to examine Kerry's military service.

But what they were ANGRY about was Paris, Winter Soldier, throwing away "his" medals while having them too, and Genghis Khan.

So Paul, you can call someo... (Below threshold)
Veeshir:

So Paul, you can call someone a liar and then not back that up?
You made a serious allegation against the Swift Boat Vets, are you going to admit that you were wrong or are you going to just ignore it?

I know the answer, and I also know that in the future, on another thread, you will call them liars again.

Which is incredibly dishonest and why I usually only point and laugh at people like you. If you can't admit you're wrong or prove you're right, you deserve whatever opprobrium you get and deserve absolutely no respect from anyone.

Paul: "The Dow's down 360 p... (Below threshold)

Paul: "The Dow's down 360 points today. Oil is about $96 a barrel. The dollar is hitting record lows against other world currency. The trade deficit is terrible. The federal budget deficit is terrible. Iraq drags on like Vietnam and crushes any optimism for a quick end."

The Dow is over 13,000, dude. Are you stupid?

The trade deficit?! You don't even know what that is. First off, it means other countries are buying more goods and services from us than we are from them. It also means they are investing in our economy. It also means it becomes cheaper to visit America as a tourist, which means more jobs for us here.

The federal deficit has been cut substantially, thanks to the Bush tax cuts which spurred growth, which increased revenue. You must be one of those who think revenue increases when you raise taxes. How sad.

Iraq drags on like Viet Nam? So to you there's no difference between volunteer soldiers and the draft? Between fighting a proxy war against the USSR without the balls to finish it, and fighting terrorists until they are decimated? You have optimism for a "quick end?" Dude, a quick end is very simple: it's called surrender, and that's what schmucks like Kerry want. That's what you want. But it's idiotic. It would be a disaster for us. It would be certain death for millions of people, just as it was in Cambodia and Viet Nam, which I guess you feel was a good experience, since you want us to repeat that failure to do the right thing.

One big difference: Kerry is now known as Beauchamp. We still have phony soldiers who slander their fellow soldiers and betray their country for their own petty promotional motives. The difference is that the President is Bush, who is not caving to the Marxist America-last agenda.




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