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But Who Will I Have To Kick Around Any More?

It's a sad day in New England, and across the land. An era is ending. For the first time in over half a century, there will be no Kennedys in the federal government. Representative Patrick Kennedy (D-RI) will not be running for re-election.

The reason, of course, is health -- the voters of his district are sick of his carpetbagging ass.

For years, Patrick -- the son of the late Senator Ted Kennedy -- has suffered many, many burdens. The worst of which has to have been being himself.

Patrick -- nicknamed "Patches" by Boston talk show host Howie Carr after the treacly maudlin Blues song -- has been, as the nephew of John F. Kennedy and Robert F. Kennedy, a most potent argument against Darwin's Theory. The guy (who's only a few months older than I am) has been an absolute wreck for years, and only the magic of his name has kept him from facing the consequences of his incredibly poor life choices.

He got a good jump on carrying on the Kennedy family legacy -- his father's, not his uncles' -- by becoming a heavy user of alcohol and cocaine while still in high school. This led to various and sundry incidents over the years, culminating with several car crashes and confession of Oxycontin addiction in 2006. One of those crashes occurred on Capitol Hill, when the congressman insisted that he was on his way to vote (even though Congress had shut down for the night six hours earlier) and Capitol Hill police passed on arresting him, instead driving him home to sleep it off. Another was in Rhode Island, when he bashed up a Crown Victoria while pulling into a CVS Pharmacy (I suspect he was not popping in for toenail clippers and a quick snack.)

One can't be certain intoxicants were a factor in his sea-borne adventures, but it's a good bet they played a factor in the time he rented a yacht for some partying, then left it abandoned at sea with about $28,000 in damages. Or the time the Coast Guard had to answer a distress call to another yacht to break up a domestic dispute between Patches and his then-girlfriend.

But one can't blame all of Patches' travails on the Demon Rum and Dr. Feelgood's Magical Elixirs. There's a certain innate assholery that shines through, no matter how hard he's tried to drown it. Back in 2000, in the heady pre-9/11 days, an airport security officer -- obviously ignorant that Patches was a Congressman and A KENNEDY -- tried to keep him from carrying an oversized bag on to an airline. Facing such affrontery, Patches did the only thing he could -- he shoved the elderly black woman aside and stormed though the security checkpoint. Naturally, he wasn't charged with any crime (let alone a hate crime -- his victim was a black woman in her 60's, after all, but he is a Democrat), but he (and by "he," I mean "his family") had to pay a hefty civil settlement.

Patches' one shining moment occurred in 2003, when he committed a major gaffe. And here, a "gaffe" is defined as "when a politician says something far truer than he intends." In that year, Kennedy loudly proclaimed "I have never worked a fucking day in my life."

Patches' swan song came as Senator Scott Brown assumed the (badly bowed and rum-soaked) seat of his late father, Ted Kennedy. Patches (who had campaigned for Brown's opponent, Martha Coakley, referring to her in a speech as "Marsha") pronounced "Brown's whole candidacy was shown to be a joke today when he was sworn in early in order to cast his first vote as an objection to Obama's appointment to the NLRB."

One would think that if anyone understands what political jokes are, it would be Patches. His whole life has been a political joke -- one on the entire nation.

Well, the joke has finally reached its punchline, 16 years in the making. Patches is exiting, stage left.

Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya, Patches.

I never begrudge a person the right to utterly piss away their life and potential, but I draw the line when it's done on the public dime, and when the individual chooses to share the misery they cause with the entire nation. And that's a pretty damned good summary of Patches' life so far.

Oh, and Patches? You're 42, and you still haven't worked a fucking day in your life. Give it a try. It's not too late to be a trailblazer -- you could go on from your political career and demonstrate that a besotted waste of skin could actually end up doing something productive with your life.

I ain't betting on it, though.


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Comments (20)

Good Riddance to the all th... (Below threshold)
mag:

Good Riddance to the all the Kennedys. They are not America's royality, but America's joke.

I always held him out as a ... (Below threshold)
Gmac:

I always held him out as a prime reason that EVERYONE in the House and Senate should be subject to random drug screenings.

I also saw he not only had a primary opponent, he had one in the general.

What a waste, good riddance.

Well said! Patrick redefin... (Below threshold)
Douglas Smith:

Well said! Patrick redefined the "shallow end of the gene pool"

I see the collective IQ of ... (Below threshold)
Hank:

I see the collective IQ of the House is about to increase.

First: "Oh, and Patches?... (Below threshold)
SShiell:

First: "Oh, and Patches? You're 42, and you still haven't worked a fucking day in your life. Give it a try."

He won't have to. His "retirement" check for being a member of Congress will be equal to his current salary of $150,000+ a year.

And Last: "I see the collective IQ of the House is about to increase."

That would both be true for both the total and the average!

The issue with Patches was ... (Below threshold)
sam:

The issue with Patches was that, as one wise American put it, "You can't fix stupid."

People get EXACTLY the gove... (Below threshold)
glenn:

People get EXACTLY the government they deserve. And this guy got re-elected how many times? And that say what about the folks in his district? And the press?

"My father instilled in me ... (Below threshold)
kevino:

"My father instilled in me a deep commitment to public service."

Yeah, like assaulting airport screening officials, abusing police officers, driving while intoxicated, and berating citizens who didn't agree with him.


"Now having spent two decades in politics, my life has taken a new direction and I will not be a candidate for re-election this year."

Two decades in politics living off the fatheads of the lands, totally dependent on a family legacy that you have done nothing but tarnish. Now he can concentrate full time on the skills his father taught him: being a drunk and acting like the spoiled child of privilege he is.

Good bye. Good riddance. You're a complete waste of oxygen.

Jay Tea:RE: "But W... (Below threshold)
kevino:

Jay Tea:

RE: "But Who Will I Have To Kick Around Any More?"

For starters: almost three more years of the Obama Administration

And Patches, go get a decen... (Below threshold)
soozer:

And Patches, go get a decent haircut.

Just watched Patches video,... (Below threshold)
Upset Old Guy:

Just watched Patches video, it's a "bye-bye" message.

Now the little voice in my head is saying, "Wait about a year. This asshole is going to re-establish MA residency and run for his daddy's old seat." Jay, don't abandon all hope just yet. We may be approaching a target rich environment.

"..my life has taken a new ... (Below threshold)
hermie:

"..my life has taken a new direction.."

Yeah, Teddy isn't around anymore to bail you out when you screw up.

I hope He learned something... (Below threshold)
914:

I hope He learned something from Uncle and carry's some scuba gear with when He drive's.

He'll still be drawing a li... (Below threshold)
JAT:

He'll still be drawing a life-long pension paid by our taxes, plus medical! That's the rub!

He can fly off into the sun... (Below threshold)
Jay Guevara:

He can fly off into the sunset, 99% of the distance to Nantucket. He won't be the first Kennedy to do that.

"My father instilled in me ... (Below threshold)
Jvette:

"My father instilled in me a deep commitment to public service.

The Kennedy's idea of public service, is not what they can do for the public service, but what public service can do for them.

Well at least this latest e... (Below threshold)
OLDPUPPYMAX:

Well at least this latest exhibition of Kennedy "courage in the face of adversity" won't result in a death, rape or stolen election!

Lesson regarding the end of... (Below threshold)

Lesson regarding the end of Camelot... The remaining democrat's best hope to stay in office will be to govern from the middle and follow the Scott Brown Republicans. Help make history and get your free Scott Brown for President bumper sticker (while supplies last) at http://ScottBrownForPresident.com

Patrick ... has been, as... (Below threshold)
Mike G in Corvallis:

Patrick ... has been, as the nephew of John F. Kennedy and Robert F. Kennedy, a most potent argument against Darwin's Theory.

Not true! He's a perfect example of the evolution of a parasite. (And to all you creationists out there: you surely don't believe that Patches is a shining example of intelligent design, do you?)

Oh, and Patches? You're 42, and you still haven't worked a fucking day in your life. Give it a try.

"OK, Patrick, let's see if you can get it right this time: "Do you want fries with that? ... No! You don't ask the customer if he'd like a 'waitress sandwich'!"

I never wished death on any... (Below threshold)
poptoy:

I never wished death on anybody. I don't plan to start now. However not having a Kennedy around sounds good to me. Name recognition and money that can buy anything the heart desires does not make for a good Senator, Representative, or President. This sort of thing is now going on in Louisiana with the Landrieu's. Neither one has ever gotten my vote. Never will. Think about this....a President that constantly fooled around.....a Senator over a bridge in the middle of the night with a young woman and he is married? A Representative that thinks he knows more about the Catholic church than those that are ordained to keep it sacred? In my part of the world they call that GALL. Let a new era begin and Thank GOD we are able to continue.




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