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"perhaps I should apologize for not killing you"

I'll not vouch for the veracity of what you're about to read but I will vouch for the fact that it's funny as hell:

AN ACTUAL PERSONAL AD
 
To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.
Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m.  E.S.T.
 
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path you've chosen to pursue in life. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

Thoughtfully indeed.

Sent my way in email from a most sexy and incredibly beautiful babe.

Love ya woman.

Crossposted(*).


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Comments (12)

that letter has me grinning... (Below threshold)
Justrand:

that letter has me grinning ear-to-ear!!

Bravo!

Probably not true but very ... (Below threshold)
SillyPuddy:

Probably not true but very amusing.

This has been around for ye... (Below threshold)
Larry:

This has been around for years.

I so wish it were true.... (Below threshold)
jim2:

I so wish it were true.

Funny but snopes.com has it... (Below threshold)
Dan Irving:

Funny but snopes.com has it on file already: Letter to Mugger

If not true, it stills give... (Below threshold)
mag:

If not true, it stills gives some good advice. If you do get the better of a mugger, tell him to take off his shoes and pants even, take his walk, and cell phone...turn the tables on the rat.

#6 meant to spell wallet...... (Below threshold)
mag:

#6 meant to spell wallet....sorry

Dear Mr. Crappy Pants...</p... (Below threshold)
Roy:

Dear Mr. Crappy Pants...

True or not doesn't matter ... (Below threshold)
Jvette:

True or not doesn't matter it was still fun to read.

Snopes doesn't say it's fal... (Below threshold)
Jim Addison:

Snopes doesn't say it's false, just "undetermined," but with several different purported cities of origin already, I have my doubts.

The guy went overboard in "calling the FBI" to threaten Obama, which tells me it's probably all fiction. The FBI would have involved the Secret Service, and the fact it was made from a mugger's cell phone wouldn't have ended their investigation. They would have swiftly found out who got gas on that credit card, and located the comedian who thought threatening the Prez on someone else's phone would be a lark, and he would be in prison today.

Probably not true. Amusing... (Below threshold)
kevino:

Probably not true. Amusing. But if you do get the drop on a would-be mugger, you aren't allowed to commit crimes as retribution. In my case, my opponents simply put up their weapons, showed their hands, backed away a bit, turned, and ran. That's also what happened to others that I know who defended themselves: the bad guys are smart enough to stop and run away, knowing that you probably just want to be left alone and that legally you aren't allowed to attack further.

The only exception was a guy who ordered his target (in these situations, predators get demoted to the category of "potential targets") to drop his weapon, and the target complied. Then the target was then ordered to get out, and he ran off. The good guy ended up with his knife, which he showed us. (Too bad he picked it up with his base hands.)

Fun read on what I'd like t... (Below threshold)
RFA:

Fun read on what I'd like to do if ever confronted.




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