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The whole world's got a fever...

...and the only cure is soul-crushing boredom.

Soccer. The very word conjures up images of shaggy-maned, single-named foreigners collapsing as if their spines had been ripped out at the slightest touch. Legions of colorfully festooned fans swaying and chanting along in drunken unison. Hooliganism that makes your typical Detroit Pistons championship celebration look like the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

Nothing makes me prouder as an American than knowing we've co-opted a word used to describe this abomination everywhere else in the world - football - to describe the violent ground-acquisition game that's become our national pastime. Football is just so deliciously imperialistic, no wonder Americans love it. We're going to drive deep into your territory and score. We're going to take this pigskin and cram it down your throat. A fifth of the people on Earth just ran away screaming, having taken that football euphemism literally.

Then there's the hilarious irony that football players who are actually permitted to kick the ball are pretty much the least athletic, least respected guys on the team. The only kicking Americans want to see on a field is a defensive tackle kicking the crap out of the opposing team's quarterback or cheerleaders high-kicking on the sideline between concussion rendering collisions. And maybe the Kilgore Rangerettes.

So while billions around the globe are perched on the edge of their seats most Americans won't even be aware of who's on Team USA, much less the outcome of their games. Which is a bummer for them because they've worked hard to get to the World Cup. But just like a Code Pink protester vis-a-vis the Iraq war we don't care how much they've sacrificed or who wins and loses, we just want it to be over so we can get on with our regularly scheduled programming.

On the plus side, they don't have to worry about deranged fans murdering them if they make a costly mistake during game.

It would be pudding grade awesome if Team USA did win the World Cup for the simple reason it would appall the rest of the world. And of course Americans still wouldn't give a hoot in hell. I can just see the newscasts now..."In sports news, Team USA shocked the world by bringing home the World Cup...more on that later but now let's go live to Newy Scruggs who's got an update about the ongoing contract negotiations between the New England Patriots and quarterback Tom Brady."

Still, I may have to tune in for a few minutes anyway. There's nothing more compelling than watching a grown man crumple to the ground like he's been lobotomized when an opposing defenseman comes down on him like a butterfly with sore feet.

World Cup 2010 - More boring than baseball and with less scoring too. Catch the fever!


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Comments (19)

Every 4 years I "catch the ... (Below threshold)
Justrand:

Every 4 years I "catch the fever" until America loses...then I am CURED!

p.s. naps during World Cup soccer matches are the BEST!!

You're looking at this ALL ... (Below threshold)
Trump:

You're looking at this ALL WRONG

You know why I want our soccer team to be champions?

Imagine the despair and disgust in the entire WORLD if our team won.

It would drive them all batsh*t crazy.

TrumpThat is a leg... (Below threshold)
MichaelC:

Trump

That is a legitimate, the ONLY legitimate, reason to be caught cheering before a screen carrying a "SockHer" game.

Baron, damn funny stuff! Immediately sent it out to my son to share the laugh,

Having played soccer when I... (Below threshold)
jim m:

Having played soccer when I was young I have remained a fan of the sport. But then I still have to follow the English Premier League because US soccer is still a pale imitation of the real thing.

Hooliganism is largely a thing of the past. It's been over a decade since there have been serious problems in European games. Citing hat as an issue just shows you to be out of touch.

Soccer will never be a big deal here in the US. So what? Who cares? For those who enjoy the sport does it really need to be a big deal? I find amusing the insecure comments of those who aren't interested. It's a freaking game guys. Grow some balls and try being secure in your own self.

You're pretty funny too jim... (Below threshold)
MichaelC:

You're pretty funny too jim m. I think I'm laughing. Perhaps it's a sneer. I can't always tell when I'm feeling insecure.

Oh..wait, you're the guy who jumped up to defend his game.

That was in response mostly... (Below threshold)
jim m:

That was in response mostly to a juvenile comment that has since been removed.

In Chicago the demographic ... (Below threshold)
jim m:

In Chicago the demographic is pretty overwhelmingly Hispanic. You probably wouldn't want to show up at a game and start calling those guys gay. There are probably enough street gang members there to ensure that you go home in several small boxes.

Great God Almighty, I'm hat... (Below threshold)
Weegie:

Great God Almighty, I'm hating myself for ending up agreeing with jim and bryan, but soccer is a great sport. I'm angry at you for putting me in a position to agree with them.

It is a very fluid game and except for the goalie, everybody plays offense and defense, and it is the players who create the plays. For those who don't think it is tough, I have broken someone's leg playing (compound fracture after a very hard but clean tackle) and have been knocked unconscious, kicked in the face, etc. I've been hurt more playing soccer than playing rugby (well, back when I had two good knees).

Sure the big leaguers are guilty of diving and carrying on much too often, the fact is that after you've been running your ass off for 75 minutes and then somebody who can kick a ball 90 yards takes a swipe at your ankle from your blind side, you go down hard and it hurts.

Sure a lot of Americans don't think much of soccer, and every 4 years, they can't wait to let the world know it, and they print articles like this, etc, etc.

I'm not knocking football or any other sport, just saying that soccer is really a great sport, even if you don't think it is.

Two words: Stephen Strasbur... (Below threshold)

Two words: Stephen Strasburg.

He can Bend in like Beckham, only with rawhide.

I would watch the World Cup... (Below threshold)
Brett Buck:

I would watch the World Cup, but there's a PBA event in Racine Wisconsin this weekend, and that seems a lot more interesting.

Two words:Screw So... (Below threshold)
Marc:

Two words:

Screw Soccer.

This nefarious plot called ... (Below threshold)
Jim Addison:

This nefarious plot called "soccer" is sapping our nation's vital bodily fluids even as it turns our impressionable youth into feckless Euro-trash.

Some years back, a Massachusetts youth soccer league decided to quit even keeping score. I observed at the time, "And how can they tell the difference?"

I watched one whole soccer match, the ballyhooed USA-China Women's World Championship back in the late '90s. A lot of players kicking a ball around. Mercifully the first half ended quickly at 0 - 0.

There are no timeouts in soccer, and no wonder. What's the coach going to say? "Keep trying to score and stop them from scoring and don't drop your short pants!" Inspiring.

The second half was another thrilling 0 - 0 nail-biter, and as if our hearts could stand all this excitement, it was OVERTIME! So, they stopped playing and began kicking free kicks at each other's goal. Finally in the NINTH overtime, the USA won and we gave thanks it was over.

The most memorable part of the whole thing was US player Brandi Chastain celebrating by taking off her jersey on the field, revealing her sports bra! Wow, a woman built like a 13 year old in a sports bra! This sport is bound to catch on - among pedophiles, and maybe insomniacs.

It's a slippery slope, my friends, which slides into the depths of depravity as morals decay and virtues wither away. First you let your children - our future, or haven't you heard? - play soccer. Next thing you know they are abandoning traditional values to lead recycling drives and march for lab rats. You send them off to college to be "educated" by a bunch of leftist squishes, and before you have time to realize it, they help elect Obama President.

Soccer? Feh!

Mr. Addison, I stand in tri... (Below threshold)
Upset Old Guy:

Mr. Addison, I stand in tribute.

Actually, for those inclined to try to learn to enjoy soccer, check out lacrosse and hockey. Everything soccer fans tell me is appealing about their sport (play "off the ball" is the only thing I can remember, although I do recall there was more than just that) happens in lacrosse and hockey. Rugby too, for that matter. Plus you will find those sports include the desirable element of being body grinding, full contact sports.

Soccer is great! Than You m... (Below threshold)
914:

Soccer is great! Than You marry Her.

"There's nothing more compe... (Below threshold)
JK:

"There's nothing more compelling than watching a grown man crumple to the ground like he's been lobotomized when an opposing defenseman comes down on him like a butterfly with sore feet."

First off, too funny. However, I take exception to singling out soccer here.

The problem is poor incentives and is not unique to soccer. A faked "hard foul" can draw a free kick or give the "offending" player a yellow or red card and there is little disincentive not to do so. Low risk, high reward. In fact there is a fairly new rule to punish players for faking injury, but it is rarely enforced.

Just like pass interference in the NFL. Deep ball, poor chance of catching it, just run into the defender and flail wildly and claim you were "interfered" with, boom free 50-yard gain. Never seen that happen in the NFL? I have NFL Sunday ticket and can tell you that it is the rare exception that this does NOT occur in any given game.

Only difference is, flailing in soccer is not "good enough" to draw a card. If there were any additional incentive in the NFL, like real risk of ejection for causing said "injury", then the players would no doubt fake injury as well.

Bottom line, to me both are unsportsmanlike and equally as deplorable. The faking injury just looks more stupid.

Wait -- you mean soccer isn... (Below threshold)

Wait -- you mean soccer isn't just the international version of Australian Rules Football? But I kept hearing about soccer riots! What -- those weren't on the field during the game, they were in the stands?

Feh.

Just like all things europe... (Below threshold)
moseby:

Just like all things european...they have a tired, worn out, just plain DULL way about them. World Cup = YAAAAWWWNNNN.

Believe it or not, I used t... (Below threshold)
ed davis:

Believe it or not, I used to love major league baseball. Now, unfortunately, not so much. I am with weegie. His (I assume he is a guy, cuz if that is a chick, wow, that's one bad ass bitch right there) perspective made me think a little. Designated hitters? Does soccer have designated corner kickers? Pinch runners? WTF? Like weegie said, all soccer players (except the goalies) are cross trained well enough in all aspects of their sport to play any position in a pinch and switching roles and positions is a constant part of a dynamic game. Let's see a major league pitcher play shortstop for an inning. For that matter, let's see a shortstop pitch for an inning. Which sport has the most annoying prima donnas? No contest. Google me this: How many times has MLB gone on strike and how many times have various soccer leagues in the world gone on strike?

Weegie, do you know if goalies have to run and cardio train with the rest of the team and have that capacity to run 7 miles wind-sprinting for an hour and a half? It is amazing that they can kick a soccer ball nearly a hundred yards on the fly. I bet they'd do okay in a penalty kick off. Let's see a designated hitter (and you call soccer players pussies? WTF! Seriously. W.T.F.) throw a one-hopper to the plate from deep center.

BTW, I play golf now. Go ah... (Below threshold)

BTW, I play golf now. Go ahead, I can take it. Keep this in mind, though: An out of shape old man like me gets to watch a ball fly after imparting an average force that rises to approximately 2,000 lbs.during the half-millisecond of impact. If you haven't tried golf and kept at it long enough to really hit it solid, you should!




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