I swear, sometimes my carnal nature just gets the best of me.
Since the subject matter here might be considered NSFW (in more ways than one - you'll understand after you read the story) I'm placing the rest of this entry below the fold ...
From CBS News -- Man Found Guilty In Semen Assault Case:
A Fullerton man has been found guilty of ejaculating into his female co-workers water bottle.Michael Lallana, 32, was found guilty Thursday afternoon of assault and battery. Jurors also found true the allegation that he did it for sexual gratification.
Lallana admitted in a taped interview submitted to jurors that he ejaculated into an "attractive" co-worker's water bottle because "her lips had touched it," but told detectives he never thought she would drink it.
Lallana and the woman -- identified only as Tiffany G. -- began working together at Northwestern Mutual Financial Network in Newport Beach. They were both later transferred last year to the company's office in Orange.
"It was the closest I could ever get to someone as good looking as that without tampering with my marriage or hurting anyone," Lallana said in the interview with Orange Police Department detectives in explaining why he ejaculated into the woman's water bottle twice last year.
When the detectives quizzed him on why he didn't just throw the water bottle away when he was done, Lallana said he figured she would dump the water and was afraid of leaving anything out of place on her desk.
Mmmmkaaaaay ... that's bad enough. But of course there's more:
Tiffany testified that she left her water bottle on her desk in the Newport Beach office on a Friday in January of last year. She said that when she returned the following Monday and drank from the bottle, she tasted what she believed to be semen.
"I had a hunch that's what it was, but I wouldn't dream in a million years that's what it was," she said.
Okay, stop thinking what you're thinking. Just read on, and discover how clever and resourceful this young lady is:
After being transferred to the company's office in Orange, the woman said she again tasted semen in her water last April 6. Up to that point, she had been more careful with her water, dumping it when she left, she said.
Tiffany testified she threw the water bottle away that January. But after the second time in April, she kept the fouled liquid and asked her fiancee put his semen in a water bottle to see if that's what she had tasted at work.
"At the time, I had no idea how else to figure out what this was," she testified.
Allright, stop laughing. Stop it, NOW.
After discussing this with her employer's understandably baffled HR department, the lightbulb finally came on and "Tiffany" had the water in her bottle tested by a laboratory. After the results came back positive, Orange Police Department detectives got involved. They identified their man through a DNA match. And poor "Tiffany". What an office legacy this will make.
I really don't have anything else to add, because to mention things like, oh I don't know, maybe ... hair color - well, that just wouldn't be very nice. I'll leave that up to the commenters.
___________________________
PS - FYI Kevin, the Zemanta image gallery in the Movable Type editor came up with some *ahem* interesting pictures while I was typing up this story.
And because someone asked ... here is a pic of the perp, Michael Lallana, and another pic of the victim, "Tiffany G."
Another related news report states that the victim hired celebrity attorney Gloria Allred to represent her. Obviously this case is not over, since Gloria Allred doesn't get involved in anything that doesn't have some kind of million-dollar deal attached.
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Filed under:
Douchebag Of The Day, Dumbasses, Humor
Comments (21)
Sucking on a straw has got ... (Below threshold)1. Posted by Roy | February 25, 2011 10:26 AM | Score: 2 (2 votes cast)
Sucking on a straw has got to be involved here. Somehow.
1. Posted by Roy | February 25, 2011 10:26 AM |
Score: 2 (2 votes cast)
Posted on February 25, 2011 10:26
2. Posted by jim m | February 25, 2011 10:53 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
That guy needs help. It's a good thing that she did something before it escalated into something worse.
2. Posted by jim m | February 25, 2011 10:53 AM |
Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Posted on February 25, 2011 10:53
3. Posted by just bob | February 25, 2011 10:58 AM | Score: 2 (2 votes cast)
He needs high velocity inter cranial lead therapy.
3. Posted by just bob | February 25, 2011 10:58 AM |
Score: 2 (2 votes cast)
Posted on February 25, 2011 10:58
4. Posted by TexBob | February 25, 2011 10:59 AM | Score: 3 (5 votes cast)
Hmmm, blind semen taste testing.
Good thing her fiancee was there to provide a comparison.
4. Posted by TexBob | February 25, 2011 10:59 AM |
Score: 3 (5 votes cast)
Posted on February 25, 2011 10:59
5. Posted by Michael Laprarie | February 25, 2011 11:04 AM | Score: 1 (1 votes cast)
jim m,
Yes, you're right. I wouldn't consider him to be a "criminal" but he definitely is in need of some serious therapy. He obviously has a lot of issues that need to be fixed in order for him to function normally with other people.
Really, the reporting on this story should have just ended with his apprehension. The rest of the embarrassing details (although admittedly humorous) weren't necessary, and they will haunt this poor girl for years. I honestly have to wonder if the editor was more interested in poking fun at the girl's side of the story. And yes, I plead guilty by association.
5. Posted by Michael Laprarie | February 25, 2011 11:04 AM |
Score: 1 (1 votes cast)
Posted on February 25, 2011 11:04
6. Posted by epador | February 25, 2011 11:24 AM | Score: 12 (12 votes cast)
All my sympathy goes to the boyfriend if that's the only way she finds out what it tastes like.
6. Posted by epador | February 25, 2011 11:24 AM |
Score: 12 (12 votes cast)
Posted on February 25, 2011 11:24
7. Posted by Sarah the Impaler | February 25, 2011 11:26 AM | Score: 3 (5 votes cast)
"She kept the fouled liquid and asked her fiancee put his semen in a water bottle to see if that's what she had tasted at work."
Why didn't She just try it straight without the bottle? Unless She likes the taste of the bottle that is?
7. Posted by Sarah the Impaler | February 25, 2011 11:26 AM |
Score: 3 (5 votes cast)
Posted on February 25, 2011 11:26
8. Posted by Roy | February 25, 2011 12:07 PM | Score: 1 (1 votes cast)
The fact that he fit it in the water bottle in the first place sort of says it all.
8. Posted by Roy | February 25, 2011 12:07 PM |
Score: 1 (1 votes cast)
Posted on February 25, 2011 12:07
9. Posted by Jason | February 25, 2011 12:29 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Elementary, my dear Watson!
9. Posted by Jason | February 25, 2011 12:29 PM |
Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Posted on February 25, 2011 12:29
10. Posted by markga_00 | February 25, 2011 2:49 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
How did they really catch the guy? Did she pick him out of some kind of lineup?
10. Posted by markga_00 | February 25, 2011 2:49 PM |
Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Posted on February 25, 2011 14:49
11. Posted by Idahoser | February 25, 2011 4:55 PM | Score: 1 (1 votes cast)
I wouldn't consider him to be a "criminal"
I don't know why not. What if this was your wife or daughter?
11. Posted by Idahoser | February 25, 2011 4:55 PM |
Score: 1 (1 votes cast)
Posted on February 25, 2011 16:55
12. Posted by Paul Hooson | February 25, 2011 5:04 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
The pathetic guy needs to find himself a better girlfriend. "Seek and ye shall find", they say.
12. Posted by Paul Hooson | February 25, 2011 5:04 PM |
Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Posted on February 25, 2011 17:04
13. Posted by daryl | February 25, 2011 5:05 PM | Score: 3 (3 votes cast)
Why did her photo get posted and not his?
13. Posted by daryl | February 25, 2011 5:05 PM |
Score: 3 (3 votes cast)
Posted on February 25, 2011 17:05
14. Posted by Michael Laprarie | February 25, 2011 5:22 PM | Score: -1 (3 votes cast)
I don't know daryl, but I'm guessing we're looking at the most attractive person of the two.
14. Posted by Michael Laprarie | February 25, 2011 5:22 PM |
Score: -1 (3 votes cast)
Posted on February 25, 2011 17:22
15. Posted by dripdrip | February 25, 2011 7:34 PM | Score: -1 (3 votes cast)
a bit aroused by the story, especially seeing the girl's pic and knowing that she has indeed tasted semen in the past. "I had a hunch that's what it was." pretty cool. she's got a future somehow with this. i can feel it.
15. Posted by dripdrip | February 25, 2011 7:34 PM |
Score: -1 (3 votes cast)
Posted on February 25, 2011 19:34
16. Posted by Coldwarrior57 | February 26, 2011 1:46 AM | Score: 2 (2 votes cast)
I am laughing so hard here I can hardly see the screen. while what he did was dumb wrong illegal and what ever, her responce is to have her fiance shoot a wad for her to test it against the bottle of water ?
I just hope she gave her fiance a "hand" in accomplishing that task....
16. Posted by Coldwarrior57 | February 26, 2011 1:46 AM |
Score: 2 (2 votes cast)
Posted on February 26, 2011 01:46
17. Posted by gaius piconius | February 26, 2011 8:18 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
This kind of thing would not happen if these red carpet quality babes were required, by law, to help out the significant US population of 'Uglonlies' instead of wearing out the knees of their nylon stockings in the service of those men who are more blessed by natural selection. Something like a Tax the Rich scheme, or since genetic good looks are in play, a sort of inherited wealth tax.
Ah, but wait! What of the inherited good looks of men, and the inevitable 'slippery slope factor'? Is there an alpha-Wizbang male anxious to spend a few tasty after office minutes with Barny Frank. Stand down lads! This requires further thought.
17. Posted by gaius piconius | February 26, 2011 8:18 PM |
Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Posted on February 26, 2011 20:18
18. Posted by donw | February 26, 2011 11:19 PM | Score: 1 (1 votes cast)
We just had a similar incident here in Albuquerque at the Sunflower Market. The
man involved was handing out free samples of yogurt (with a little extra ingrediant).
The individual was arrested and charged with a criminal offense, but it certainly wasn't "assault with a dead weapon!"
18. Posted by donw | February 26, 2011 11:19 PM |
Score: 1 (1 votes cast)
Posted on February 26, 2011 23:19
19. Posted by John F Not Kerry | February 27, 2011 12:25 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
The guy in the article said he was married, and pretty much threw his wife under the bus, at least in the looks department:
"It was the closest I could ever get to someone as good looking as that without tampering with my marriage or hurting anyone,"
19. Posted by John F Not Kerry | February 27, 2011 12:25 AM |
Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Posted on February 27, 2011 00:25
20. Posted by Jan | February 28, 2011 4:42 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
@Michael Laprarie who wrote, "The rest of the embarrassing details (although admittedly humorous) weren't necessary, and they will haunt this poor girl for years."
You've got to be kidding. The strategy is for Tiffany to get as much publicity as possible because she intends to sue her former company for millions. Why do you think she quit her job shortly after Gloria Allred was hired as her civil defense attorney?
20. Posted by Jan | February 28, 2011 4:42 AM |
Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Posted on February 28, 2011 04:42
21. Posted by MJ'sDoctor | April 22, 2011 11:20 PM | Score: 2 (2 votes cast)
It was revealed in court that he is a big Michael Jackson fan. His favorite song is "Beat It!!!"
21. Posted by MJ'sDoctor | April 22, 2011 11:20 PM |
Score: 2 (2 votes cast)
Posted on April 22, 2011 23:20