I'm breaking several of my own unwritten rules for blogging here. I normally don't post large pieces of other's work with minimal commentary (it's not my style) and I can't verify the source, but this is just too damned brilliant to not post immediately:
World Terrorism Alert Levels
by John Cleese
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events and have therefore raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to "A Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from "Pissed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards." They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."
The Germans have increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbor" and "Lose."
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels .
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy.. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be alright, Mate." Two more escalation levels remain: "Crikey! I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!" and "The barbie is canceled." So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
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Filed under:
Humor, War On Terror
Comments (13)
Meanwhile Joe (the fence si... (Below threshold)1. Posted by Don L | May 4, 2011 7:10 AM | Score: 0 (2 votes cast)
Meanwhile Joe (the fence sitter's hero)Lieberman has called out Obama on using the deceitful phrase Overseas Contingency Operation instead of Radial Islamic terrorism.
That's all well and good Joe, but being for abortion, how about calling it the "slaughter of innocent human life" instead of "choice?"
1. Posted by Don L | May 4, 2011 7:10 AM |
Score: 0 (2 votes cast)
Posted on May 4, 2011 07:10
2. Posted by tomg51 | May 4, 2011 7:37 AM | Score: 3 (3 votes cast)
Bin laden alert levels
Democrat control in US
House controlled by Republicans
President's poll numbers dropping
Enhanced interrogations allowed
SEAL Team Six
2. Posted by tomg51 | May 4, 2011 7:37 AM |
Score: 3 (3 votes cast)
Posted on May 4, 2011 07:37
3. Posted by hcddbz | May 4, 2011 8:02 AM | Score: 2 (2 votes cast)
Hey leave the Aussies alone. They have fought side by side with the USA since WWII Korea, Vietnam, Gulf War, Iraq. a little screwy now but so are because the leadership in the White house.
3. Posted by hcddbz | May 4, 2011 8:02 AM |
Score: 2 (2 votes cast)
Posted on May 4, 2011 08:02
4. Posted by Tom Blogical | May 4, 2011 8:21 AM | Score: 3 (3 votes cast)
Haha...now that was funny...
4. Posted by Tom Blogical | May 4, 2011 8:21 AM |
Score: 3 (3 votes cast)
Posted on May 4, 2011 08:21
5. Posted by WildWillie | May 4, 2011 9:01 AM | Score: 3 (5 votes cast)
I like Ron White's threat levels for America. Only two levels.
Get a helmet.
Put it on. ww
5. Posted by WildWillie | May 4, 2011 9:01 AM |
Score: 3 (5 votes cast)
Posted on May 4, 2011 09:01
6. Posted by Justrand | May 4, 2011 9:02 AM | Score: 1 (1 votes cast)
Jay that was splendid!! I also don't like to post things in their entirety on my site...so I'll just point folks to over here! :)
cheers!
6. Posted by Justrand | May 4, 2011 9:02 AM |
Score: 1 (1 votes cast)
Posted on May 4, 2011 09:02
7. Posted by DJ Drummond | May 4, 2011 9:05 AM | Score: 3 (5 votes cast)
Brilliant!
7. Posted by DJ Drummond | May 4, 2011 9:05 AM |
Score: 3 (5 votes cast)
Posted on May 4, 2011 09:05
8. Posted by MunDane | May 4, 2011 9:23 AM | Score: 3 (3 votes cast)
I can not be the only one that can hear him saying this in that perfectly dry British accent.
I seem to remember a version of this for American regions, too. The final stage of the southern one was something like "Spilt mah beer!"
8. Posted by MunDane | May 4, 2011 9:23 AM |
Score: 3 (3 votes cast)
Posted on May 4, 2011 09:23
9. Posted by Jay Tea
| May 4, 2011 9:29 AM | Score: 2 (4 votes cast)
hcddbz, if I were an Aussie, I'd take this as a compliment.
J.
9. Posted by Jay Tea
| May 4, 2011 9:29 AM |
Score: 2 (4 votes cast)
Posted on May 4, 2011 09:29
10. Posted by Yamez12 | May 4, 2011 10:52 AM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
It's funny, but it's not by John Cleese. It's by John Humberstone
Original Posting : http://www.nlpconnections.com/chill-out-room/2318-security-alert-status.html
10. Posted by Yamez12 | May 4, 2011 10:52 AM |
Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Posted on May 4, 2011 10:52
11. Posted by docjim505 | May 4, 2011 11:00 AM | Score: 5 (5 votes cast)
American threat levels:
1. Huh? Is something going on?
2. Look, don't bother me unless it's real important, okay?
3. Aw, sh*t. Looks like we got us a problem. Maybe it'll go away on its own.
4. I'm starting to get pissed off.
5. YOU'RE DEAD! DEAD, DO YOU HEAR ME!!! WE'RE GOING TO KILL ALL YOU MOTHERF*CKERS!!! CALL THE AIR FORCE!!! CALL THE MARINES!!! WHERE'S THAT RED BUTTON???
11. Posted by docjim505 | May 4, 2011 11:00 AM |
Score: 5 (5 votes cast)
Posted on May 4, 2011 11:00
12. Posted by WildWillie | May 4, 2011 12:10 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
I fart in your aunties general direction. ww
12. Posted by WildWillie | May 4, 2011 12:10 PM |
Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Posted on May 4, 2011 12:10
13. Posted by Winterborn | May 4, 2011 6:20 PM | Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
You never cancel the barbie. We once had a freak storm and dad and I just carried the barbie into the shed, cooked it there and carried the food inside under an umbrella.
13. Posted by Winterborn | May 4, 2011 6:20 PM |
Score: 0 (0 votes cast)
Posted on May 4, 2011 18:20