Austin Bay is soliciting serious nominations to who should succeed the depressed Kofi Annan as Secretary General of the United Nations. I was about to make my own nominations when I noticed that darn word “serious.”
So there’s the newest Wizbang contest — nominate the next Secretary General. Be sure to give your nominee’s qualifications, as well. And with luck, I’ll announce the winners on Thursday.
Here’s a few examples to get you started:
Yassir Arafat: they loved him so much when he was alive, let them deal with his rotting corpse.
Scott Peterson: not only would running the UN be, most likely, a fate worse than death, but the former fertilizer salesman is used to to dealing with that kind of BS.
Bobcat Goldthwait: Not only would sending a comedian to the UN send exactly the right message, they’d have to hire yet more translators to understand what he was telling them.
J.
John Kerry- if he actually wins something maybe he’ll STFU and go away. Speaking French is a definite plus, and we all know he has the backing of several foreign leaders, we just don’t know who they are.
The Manolo – some of those delegates are simply fashion disasters!
Paul Volker
Dr. Zalmay Khalilzad
Oscar Arias Sánchez
Lech Walesa
Tony Blair (if he loses or when he steps down)
Koizumi (if he loses or when he stpes down)
John Howard (when he steps down)
Bono ~ Because, c’mon man, he’s Bono!
Martha Stewart
Paris Hilton/Nicole Ritchie (both of them together).
“Weird Al: Yanklevich
Michael Jackson — We know he will wade right into the middle of the child sex scandal in Congo.
Bill Clinton – we know he will do a “honourable” job
I’ll second Martha Stewart — she’s already under home monitoring so we’ll know where she is at all times, she’s a proven liar, she knows what a prison looks like from the inside (hopefully, Kofi and Kojo will as well) and dammit, “that bitch can do anything”.
Dan Rather — he’s available.
Hunter Thompson…. because a nutjob with a hole in his head is still better than Kofi Annan.
Ward Churchill… but according to his resume’, he was already Secretary General of the United Nations.
Korean stand-up comedian Johnny Yune.
“I’m Yune of the UN!”
There can only be one: Kojo Annan. After all he was born into the job, knows how to get things done in true UN fashion, and he’s already on the payroll. Look at the money the UN could save on stationary too!
Murdoc
The late Sam Kinison, he who told the starving masses in Africa to get into a bunch of trucks and get the…. OUTTA there. It’s a freakin DESERT! Nothin’s gonna grow there, ever. See this..it’s SAND!SAND!!!! Load those people on those trucks and get them OUTTA there!
Duck Dodgers. Forget about international relations, just think what he could do for interplanetary relations. Why before you know it, we’d be having Martian sex scandals, and wondering where exactly the “Money for Dilithium Crystals” went.
Why, Boutros-Boutros, by golly!
Michael Schiavo:
If any nation refuses to go along with any U.N. resolutions, he will cut off all their nutrition and hydration!
Michael Moore – that way the head of the UN can hate America as much as America hates him.
George Felos. Nobody has as deep an appreciation for the beauty of human suffering.
Myself, because I see the UN for what it really is: a horrible joke. That, and it would piss off a bunch of liberals.
Jimmy (Peanut Brain) Carter – he is already convinced that the US Government should be replaced with the UN
Michael Schiavo – Hey if he can make himself the long suffering hero for starving his wife to death imagine what he could do with the Oil for Money scandal…
Oliver Willis – a know-it-all who (apparently) would never insult a foreign dignitary by turning down a plateful of anything, a man who already thinks Bush is a boob and seems willing to give the USA no benefit of the doubt, a man who will never give up the hope that dictators are really just misunderstood people with the potential to become good, and a man who can further the noble cause of making the UN completely irrelevant. Or Jimmy Carter if Oliver is unavailable.
Me.
Why should other people always get the graft, dammit? It’s my turn!
Jaques Chirac-because deep down inside he knows he wants to really be kind of the world, and being Sec General will at least give him the illusion of holding that office.
I think Al Sharpton will be the only one who could carry the legacy and traditions of Annon and the U.N. in a way that will move progressively forward with the examples Annon has set.
A pet rock – Hey! If the UN is stuck in the politics of the 1970s then give them a true icon.
Rumsfeld.
After they cart off the people who have heart attacks, cleaning up the place will be easier.
Hmm.
Or Condaleeza Rice.
Usama Bin Laden!!!!!! He hates the United States and what better way to do what he wants and get away with it, because of Diplomatic Immunity. For that matter, Usama could hire Abu Zarqawi as his number 2 guy and then we would know where the both of them are. rotflo
Okay, here are my nominees:
Saddam Hussein — because liberals worked so hard to save his regime, now they can work hard to save his UN.
Fidel Castro — Why not, Libs love the guy.
Bob Dornan – when you really want to shake things up, send in a B1.
Now that I think of it, Saeb Erekat isn’t doing much these days… and it’s pretty much the same as having Arafat up there, without the drycleaning bills for the tablecloth on his head.
Margaret Thatcher: I’ll bet the Iron Lady can still knock some heads together even in her advanced age.
Ted Turner, because he just loves to throw bad money after badder.
Insomniac wins (^^)!!
I’d like to nominate Margaret Cho.
I’m an optimist. She isn’t very good at comedy but maybe she’ll do better at something as inconsequential as the U.N…
One of the Simpsons – either Homer, Bart or – maybe better still – OJ.
Jointly: Peter Jennings and Hanan Ashrawi : such chemistry, such passion, such feeling……..[pass the sick bag, Alice]
Dan Rather.
First, he has the free time.
Second, he would be right there to investigate any new scandals. “I would love to break the story about how that $3 bilion dollars went missing, $4 million of it ended up in my bank account, and those three flemish hookers ended up in my hotel room.”
Ooo! I get to do the “Obvious Attempt at the Suck Up Award:”
Jay Tea
And no, he don’t need no steenking qualifications.
Lieutenant General Claudia J. Kennedy. She’s a general who should have been a secretary.
Johnnie Cochran — Doh! Too late, sorry.
John Bolton! Because he slices like a freakin’ hammer!
Someone eccentric, like Bobby Fischer.
Ben Affleck, Bombs for everyone!
Boutros Boutros-Ghali: It’s fun to say, it’s fun to chant, and he’s got the experience.
Ooo! I get to do the “Obvious Attempt at the Suck Up Award:”
Jay Tea
Ooh, I was going to do that, but I got the last suck up/insult award.
C’mon Jay, when you are done running Ted’s campaign, you could do the commute. Pretty good perks too. Got any sons?
P.S. your little form tool doesn’t allow for line breaks, I get insulted when I have to enter html by hand. Too old for this shit