I noticed that Jay Tea and Jim Addison have been arguing over the more subtle qualities of that previously virgin paradise, New Hampshire (which begs the questions, has anyone seen Old Hampshire, and shouldn’t New Hampshire, New York, New Jersey, and New Mexico be roundly mocked for harkening back to other countries for their cultural identity?). I am normally wise enough not to step into the middle of a dogfight, but I am bored beyond tears with work and school and my fence-chewing collie, and I’m in the mood for a good waste of time. So, here’s a purely subjective ranking of the states in our great nation. All 46 of them. You are welcome to respond with your own rankings in the comment section.
First the ground rules. States with “new” in the name will have “new” removed, in compliance with the Truth in Advertising law. Every state in the country was here before we were born, so there’s nothing new about ’em. Next, North Whatever and South Whatever are just weirdo attempts to count a state twice, so I’m just counting them as they are – except for West Virginia, they seem to have some history on their side.. With that in mind, here’s the list:
01. Texas – God’s crib.
02. Utah – Wonderful people, weather, and sense of context.
03. Florida – Like Hawaii but with better prices and better fishing.
04. Maine – Solid Americans. Every returning vet coming through Bangor, for example, gets a personal greeting and thanks. That’s just how they roll.
05. Mississippi – Katrina hit Mississippi too, but unlike Louisiana, Mississippi worked its butt off and got running again, and was back at full speed in months.
06. Virginia – Classy, friendly state with beautiful scenery and a sense of History.
07. Wyoming – Solid America, and a great place to raise a family.
08. Kansas – Bob Dole country.
09. Louisiana – The Jumbalaya alone is reason to stop by.
10. Ohio – Our last best hope against the Rust Belt.
11. Arizona – Goldwater hailed from here, so does McCain.
12. Montana – Serious ranch country. Also serious about protecting their rights.
13. Alabama – Nice state with good people, but the skeeters and possums work against it.
14. York – America’s Bravest, America’s Finest. But they need to deal with their Clinton problem.
15. Idaho – Solid, unpretentious state.
16. Carolina – Just plain good.
17. West Virginia – Wants to be separate from Virginia for some reason, but honest, hard-working folks.
18. Missouri – St. Louis is there, but they are trying to overcome that.
19. Nebraska – Did a real nice job ironing out the state, nice and flat.
20. Dakota – The land of Daschle and McGovern. That takes ’em down some.
21. Georgia – Nice state, good people. But they gave us Jimmah, and that was just wrong.
22. Indiana – Real nice state for driving through on your way somewhere else.
23. Iowa – Strong opinions about FFA, Football, Family and tourists.
24. Nevada – If you’re here to gamble, fine. But there’s no secret bases here, who told you that?
25. Tennessee – A great state with the courage to reject AlGore in 2000.
26. Hawaii – Like Florida at three times the prices.
27. California – would rank higher, but Hollywood is a cancer.
28. Wisconsin – Cheese, Beer, the Packers.
29. Kentucky – Bourbon, Horse Racing, Basketball and the Louisville Slugger.
30. Oklahoma – Worked hard to become America’s most unremarkable state.
31. Alaska – If you like ice and rocky ground, Alaska’s for you.
32. Pennsylvania – There’s a reason they called the bumblers the Keystone Cops!
33. Maryland – Every bit as impressive as an unpainted plate full of plaster.
34. Michigan – Even the cub scouts there are unionized!
35. Delaware – Least consumer-protection-focused state in the nation.
36. Minnesota – ‘Minnesota’ is how the natives originally referred to political loons.
37. Hampshire – You know things are bad when someone brags about the quality of the dumps in their state to try and find some good news.
38. Oregon – Planters should headquarter there, the whole state is absolutely nuts.
39. Connecticut – they’re apparently still jealous of Hampshire.
40. Washington – The only state where folks talk to trees … and wait for an answer.
41. Colorado – 2 words: Ward Churchill.
42. Jersey – The state that, uhh, fell off a truck. Yeah, that’s it, don’t ask any questions and nobody has to get hurt, capisce?
43. Rhode Island – A county with pretentions of statehood.
44. Illinois – Did you know that at Illinois colleges, you can major in Corruption?
45. Vermont – More than any other state, treats the US Constitution like a used Kleenex.
46. Massachusetts – Breeding ground for Kennedies and Kerrys.