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The ACME Guide To Women

Most men are smart enough not to answer question such as these, "Does this make my butt look big?", or "Should I get my hair colored?" etc. Dutiful husbands and boyfriends have learned either never to give a concrete answer to such a question. You must avoid the straight answer, figure out what response she wants to hear, give said response, and affirm that the response she was looking for is the right choice. It's not always easy to determine the proper response, but with a little practice most men get the hang of it

While we were congratulating each other on refusing to give straight answers to such questions, ladies were plotting behind our backs. They stopped taking "no" for an answer. The queries morphed into conversational inquiries and collections of dialogue snippets over time. Some have resorted to downright trickery to lure us in with the promise of love and affection if we would just share our feelings on the question at hand.

Perhaps an example is in order:

Wife wants to know if you like her boobs/hair/ass. The obvious answer is, "of course". Any qualifiers are instant death. That used to be the end of it, but these days it is so much more devious.

Instead of directly asking, there will be lots of circumspection; talk of celebrity boobs/hair/ass; what if scenarios; loaded questions like, "do you think I should get boob job/hair coloring/liposuction", etc. All of theses are designed to throw you off track and lower your shields. The peppering may go on for days, weeks, even months. All of this is designed to get you to say the word "but" (as in "yes, but"). That's when you get your Willi E. Coyote moment. Hit with a ton of bricks.

"What, you don't like my boobs/hair/ass? How could you..." Crying ensues...

In some cases it is far worse, as the female will actively conspire with you and plant words into your mouth, egging you along all the way with the false promise that she "really wants to know." It seems like the Shangri-La of communications right up until the rug is pulled out from under you.

"What, you don't like my boobs/hair/ass? How could you..." Crying ensues...

Moral of the story: Women are the Road Runner and men, you are Willi E. Coyote. There is a ton of bricks/malfunctioning rocket sled/hole in the road around every corner when it comes to giving advice on your female companions looks.


Listed below are links to weblogs that reference The ACME Guide To Women:

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» SageOne's Zen Garden linked with Listen Up Dudes

» A Single Guy In The South linked with Kiss Me Once, And Kiss Me Twice, And Kiss Me Once Again

Comments (6)

Oh to have to be in such a ... (Below threshold)

Oh to have to be in such a situation. Getting set up by women's word games in exchange for their companionship: that's a price I'd bear.

Your lonely little weblogger.

In my best Foghorn Leghorn ... (Below threshold)

In my best Foghorn Leghorn voice I can only say:

I say. . .there's a bullet in every chamber, son!

(Wisely, my hubby now says that whenever I ask a stupid boobs/hair/ass question.)

Counter-tactic: the ancient... (Below threshold)

Counter-tactic: the ancient twist of answering the question with another question:

"Why do you ask, dear? Are you unhappy with your boobs/hair/ass?"

Never give a direct answer to a loaded question with a double-bind lurking behind it.

If I ask how do I look I wa... (Below threshold)

If I ask how do I look I want the truth..If something is unflattering on me I want to be told so I can wear something else. If I am told you look fine it really means I don't care in my book.
I have said it over and over don't ask me how you look cause I will say exactly what I think.

I have amassed a vast vocab... (Below threshold)

I have amassed a vast vocabulary of grunts for all the times my wife asks me about my feelings, and I've gone so far as to tell her that asking a man about his feelings is banned by the Geneva Convention.

So she doesn't try very hard in the category of "does this make my butt look fat?". Suits me.

"Does this dress make my bu... (Below threshold)

"Does this dress make my butt look fat?"

"No, dear, it merely accentuates the fact that it is."






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