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Worst. Name. Ever.

When I was growing up, I hated my middle name. Iím not sure why Ė maybe it was how my mother always called me by my full first and middle name when she was angry with me. Regardless, I didnít like it, and to this day my legal signature consists of my full first name and middle initial.

Iím not sure why I thought of this recently, but it struck me that I actually got lucky. Over the years Iíve met several people who must have absolutely hated their names. Iíve met a Belcher, a Felcher, and one that really sent my imagination spinning: Tim Virgin. (I could just imagine the introductions: ďHi, Iím a Virgin. This is my mother and these are my sisters. Theyíre Virgins too.Ē) And for several years in the 90ís Cow Hampshire was represented in Congress by Dick Swett.

So Iím tossing this out for everyone Ė what was the worst name youíve ever heard? The only restriction is that it has to be someone you actually met (I shook hands with Congressman Swett once, so thatís my loophole.) And it has to be their given names Ė no stage names or aliases, please. (So get away from that Simpsons web site that lists all the names Bartís used to crank-call Moe.)



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Comments (29)

No kidding, you can check t... (Below threshold)

No kidding, you can check the 1980 Columbia College freshman classbook and you'll see Suk M. Wang and Michael Schmuck.

I've also known a mohel (the guy who does Jewish circumcisions) whose last name was Shochet (Hebrew for "butcher") and another whose last name was Schmuckler.

Seymour Lipschutz was a colleague of my father's.

A guy at my synagogue has the last name Stuhl.

My stepmom has a cousin with the last name Kuntz.

I know someone whose name is Hyman Gross.

Count your blessings. It could have been worse.

I was in Target the other d... (Below threshold)

I was in Target the other day and witnessed a woman calling her toddler son Macintosh. I swear to you. Macintosh.

I wanted to smack her.

I lived in Montgomery, Alab... (Below threshold)

I lived in Montgomery, Alabama for a bit. In that town, there was an insurance agent named Richard. Richard Short. He had business cars, on which he slapped big business wraps with his name in rather large letters.

Inexplicably, he used his nickname: Dick Short.

Now, that's unfortunate advertising.

I've never met him, but I'd... (Below threshold)

I've never met him, but I'd say if Milton Bradley wasn't a major league baseball player his name wouldn't be funny but tragic.

I also once had paperwork cross my desk with the name Seymour Cox.

Years ago while in the Navy... (Below threshold)

Years ago while in the Navy, I worked at a large federal three-letter agency, and as you walked through the halls, all of the doors had little signs next to them, with the name and organization of the "most important" person to be found behind the door (usually they were very large rooms with lots of people, possibly with some individual offices for these "most important" persons).

Well, next door to us was an office where this "most important" person was named "Dick Shaker." Being the stunted adolescents that we were (are?), we giggled over this for months, until one of my shipmates couldn't stand it any longer. One day, he got a strip of paper the appropriate size, and wrote "Official" on it, and placed it in front of Dick's name on that little sign.

The next day there was a new sign: "Dr. Richard Shaker."

Two Navy colleagues... Ric... (Below threshold)

Two Navy colleagues... Richard Dick.. yes Dick Dick was a helicopter pilot...and a guy who went by Peter Hunt because his given name was York..

I also had a guy who worked for me, Petty Officer Torrez, who proudly named his first son Clint, Clint Torrez.

What were the parents thinking???

Oh... the Hippie turned pa... (Below threshold)

Oh... the Hippie turned parent who had three sons enrolled at the school my children attend...

Pepsi and Taco Pope and their little brother Apple Joe

And of course there's the S... (Below threshold)

And of course there's the Shizen Brothers who appropriately run a septic tank cleaning business in Pennsylvania Dutch country.

An employee, that I have me... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

An employee, that I have met, in the company I work for:

Lik Kwong

Pronounced just the way it looks

Growing up, down the street... (Below threshold)
Steve the Llamabutcher:

Growing up, down the street we too had a Virgin household, with children Richard and Mary (as in first day of class, teacher reading out the roll "Virgin, Mary"). Of course they were Catholic and in the same parish as us, so when they had a caboose all the talk was of the Virgin Birth...

I haven't seen them since High School, but I'm fully expecting either/both of them to show up as Earth First! tofu commandos blowing up an SUV dealership in Alaska or something....

Weiner Cadet. And if that i... (Below threshold)

Weiner Cadet. And if that isn't bad enough, he had a son. Weiner Cadet Junior.

Well, it's not as bad (or a... (Below threshold)

Well, it's not as bad (or amusing, depending) as Dick Swett, but there was a news anchor in Sacramento named Dick Cable - kinda hard to live up to, I'd imagine...

When my sister had her firs... (Below threshold)

When my sister had her first, there were a set of twins in the nursery whose names sounded like "Or-ahn-gel-o" and "Le-man-gel-o."

They were spelled Orangjelo and Lemonjelo. No shit.

This is a doctor who works ... (Below threshold)

This is a doctor who works at the hospital I work at:

Pornpater Likkensompbutt

Can you imagine having a doctor with this name? The clinic staff just call him "Doc".

Of course, I can't talk....my married name was Candy Hart!

When my twin brother and I ... (Below threshold)

When my twin brother and I were small, we were called "Freddie" and "Frankie."

When I was about 5, a cranky old relative told me that "Freddie" was a "baby name" and that as soon as I started school, I'd be called "Fritz."

That horrified me. As far as I was concerned, my name was Freddie. I liked that name. Fritz was strange and foreign-sounding. No one on TV was named Fritz except maybe an occasional Nazi with a scar and an eye patch.

In the first grade, the grown ups' conspiracy was launched. My teacher quit calling me Freddie! I was now Fritz. I remember standing up and yelling at my teacher, "My name is FREDDIE!"

I still don't like the name. Some people assume that I am a foreigner. The English alternative, Fred, is associated with Fred Flintstone, Fred Mertz, and other TV geeks.

Several years ago, I met Matt Groening on a few different occasions. Each time, he'd ask, "Fritz, huh? Have you ever seen Fritz the Cat?"

Worst name ever? Fritz.

I always like to invoke the... (Below threshold)

I always like to invoke the name of NASCAR great, Dick Trickle.

I remember Letterman once calling up Richard Smoker.

Lastly, in keeping with the Dick theme, I knew a guy in the Army named Chris Dick or Lieutenant Dick, as he was known to the men. As his career progressed he was promoted and became Captain Dick, a name fit for some type of porno-superhero. But the pinnacle for Chris was when he was promoted again and became known as Major Dick.

Back in my college days, wh... (Below threshold)

Back in my college days, while working retail, I processed a credit card transaction for one Ying Yang.

I almost forgot the tale of... (Below threshold)

I almost forgot the tale of one of my shipmates, whose surname was Officer. When he enlisted in the Navy, he was Seaman Officer. Then he got promoted, so he was Petty Officer Officer. He was then accepted into Officer Candidate School (joke was, why are you a Candidate, you're already an Officer!), and when he graduated, he was Ensign Officer. I lost track of him after that, so I'm not sure how far it ended up going.

I didn't exactly meet him f... (Below threshold)

I didn't exactly meet him face to face, but I did crank call his house quite frequently way back when. The guys name was Lipshitz.

Hey if your lip shits, my ass talks!

Not nearly as funny now as it was then.

My mom went to school with ... (Below threshold)

My mom went to school with a woman named Connie Clapsaddle. Dad, on the other hand, had a classmated named Sterling Allpeter.

My daughter had a classmate... (Below threshold)

My daughter had a classmate named Ben Dover. His parents deliberately named him that because they thought it was funny. I always felt sorry for that kid.

There was a city commission... (Below threshold)

There was a city commissioner in Atlanta about 15 yrs. ago named Dick Hand, whose name would always come up on the evening news. Oh, and I went to high school with a guy named Harold Ball. He made everyone call him...'Harold.'

I had a veterinarian named ... (Below threshold)

I had a veterinarian named Lisa Lott-Smelley. She had a practice with her husband, John B. Smelley.

Their office be smelly too!

So I'm sitting in the NCO C... (Below threshold)

So I'm sitting in the NCO Club with Sgt. Donald P. Duck, and between us, we're about 5.2 sheets to the wind, and inevitably I pop up with "So what were your parents thinking?"

He gave me the classic oh-Christ-not-this-again look and said, probably for the 23,718th time, "They figured if your last name is Duck, people are gonna call you Donald no matter what."

We had a bunch of Army guys... (Below threshold)

We had a bunch of Army guys over for dinner not long ago. One's name was Frickenshit... which became even more hilarious when coupled with his rank: "Major Frickenshit."

When I was at the Universit... (Below threshold)
David C:

When I was at the University of Virginia, the university registrar had a great name for someone in his position.

Now, I'm sure registrars have all sorts of important official duties, but to the average undergrad student, the registrar's office is that place you have to visit when you need to get a copy of your transcript.

And when you did, you'd visit the office of one Roger Printup.

I went to high school with ... (Below threshold)

I went to high school with a tall good looking blond, but introverted girl named Crystal Sieman.

My ex husband used to work ... (Below threshold)

My ex husband used to work for a doctor. His name was John Woodcock. Upon his first meeting my ex says, You must be Dr. SplinterDick!" I also had a friend whose name is Mike Whitcomb....was always getting mail to a Mike Shitcomb. And lastly I work for a small company and one of our customers last name is Crapson. How sad is that!?

In college there was a guy ... (Below threshold)

In college there was a guy named "Robert Roberts" everyone felt sorry for him and called him Ted.






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