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Weekend Caption Contest™

It's Friday, which means it's time for the Wizbang Weekend Caption Contest™. Due to a complete meltdown last weekend I never was able to post the winners of last weeks contest. That announcement will come soon.

Democratic presidential hopeful U.S. Sen., John Kerry of Massachusetts leaves a toy store at the Mall of New Hampshire in Manchester, N.H., Friday, Nov., 28, 2003. Kerry bought and donated toys to the U.S. Marines Toys for Tots program. (AP Photo/Jim Cole)

Update: Winners announced. Comments are now closed.

Comments (82)

No longer the hot commodity... (Below threshold)

No longer the hot commodity they were a few months ago, losing presidential candidates can usually be found on the discount rack.

"This damn cosmetics counte... (Below threshold)

"This damn cosmetics counter never has my shade of orange!"


Senator John Kerry finds his true calling as a department store mannequin.


"Has anyone seen my wife? Short little woman, hair like a bird's nest? She's two aisles over? Good. Here's $100. You never saw me here."

"Can I get me a huntin' lic... (Below threshold)

"Can I get me a huntin' license here?"

While John is out shopping ... (Below threshold)

While John is out shopping for gifts, Teresa shops for a candidate-husband for 2008 and a good divorce attorney.

You mean everything's</b... (Below threshold)

You mean everything's a dollar?

Showing his continuing disd... (Below threshold)

Showing his continuing disdain for Secret Service agents, John Kerry knocks the Secret Service agent on the floor with a swing of his shopping bag and yells..."Get out of my way suit boy - that's my pumpkin orange tanning cream"

Two security guards watch t... (Below threshold)

Two security guards watch the suspect after cusotmers complain that he knocked over the Turbo Man display.

Pardon me, I seem to have m... (Below threshold)

Pardon me, I seem to have misplaced my dignity, you haven't seen it have you?

Hey buddy - can ya spare a ... (Below threshold)

Hey buddy - can ya spare a dime?

"Damn, good think I lost or... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

"Damn, good think I lost or I never would've had enough time to finish my Christmas shopping.
... or go biking
... or windsurfing
... or hunting
... or..."

"Excuse me, can I get an ad... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

"Excuse me, can I get an addition 10% of, I'm Senator John Kerry and I served in Viet Nam ya know."

"Can you give me directions... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

"Can you give me directions to the lumberyard? I really do need to buy some wood."

Man of the people, John Ker... (Below threshold)

Man of the people, John Kerry, thanks the helpful man for identifying the "checkstand" for him.

where can I get moi a gay m... (Below threshold)
Norm from Canada:

where can I get moi a gay marriage license?

Attention K-Mart Shoppers -... (Below threshold)

Attention K-Mart Shoppers - We Have A Blue State Special on Aisle 9.

I'll trade ya this bag of c... (Below threshold)

I'll trade ya this bag of crack for your vote.

John Kerry purchases the ne... (Below threshold)

John Kerry purchases the new Bush vs. Kerry Rockem Sockem Robots, hoping to finally score a victory against George W. Bush.

John Kerry takes advantage ... (Below threshold)

John Kerry takes advantage of the new "Blue State Special" at the local K-Mart.

What do you mean, I'm over ... (Below threshold)

What do you mean, I'm over my limit? TERESA!!

What do you mean, stand in ... (Below threshold)

What do you mean, stand in line?! Don't you know who I am??

Pardon me, do you have any ... (Below threshold)

Pardon me, do you have any grey poupon?

Where is customer service? ... (Below threshold)

Where is customer service? I need to return some biking shorts, a wet suit and a camouflage jacket and hat...

Upon seeing the "up to 50" ... (Below threshold)

Upon seeing the "up to 50" line from the comfort of his chauffeured limousine, a heroic John Kerry rushes back to the scene to peacefully protest age discrimination.

"Hmmm....I could slip the s... (Below threshold)
Charles Versteege:

"Hmmm....I could slip the silver plate between 2 boxes in my bag....."

(The one above should've be... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

(The one above should've been 10% off, dang it. but heres another.)

"I need to speak to a manager, one of your security guards pushed me."

Excuse me what aisle are th... (Below threshold)

Excuse me what aisle are the clues in?

Those half price votes in a... (Below threshold)

Those half price votes in aisle 5, are they valid in Ohio?

Picked me up a little "lock... (Below threshold)

Picked me up a little "lock box" - yea' Gore told me it didn't help him that much but I figure I'll need all the help I can get in '08.


Bible Trivia...perfect game to prepare for '08.

I've gotta get a refund for... (Below threshold)

I've gotta get a refund for these so I can pay back every cent of the campaign money like I promised.

To be or not to be (a Wal-M... (Below threshold)

To be or not to be (a Wal-Mart shopper) that is the question.

"When I saw the sign saying... (Below threshold)

"When I saw the sign saying 'Dollar General' I thought it would be a cheap way to get a promotion."

Kerry rehearses for his fir... (Below threshold)

Kerry rehearses for his first American Express commercial:

"Do you know who I am? Last November 58 million people voted for me and I still lost, just because 61 million people voted for some other guy. That's democracy for you."

Not a caption, but a commen... (Below threshold)
Jay Tea:

Not a caption, but a comment: That's GOTTA be the Kay-Bee Toy Store in the Mall of New Hampshire, which is practically in my back yard. Well, maybe three miles. I've been there several times. I think I'll go there this weekend and recreate this photo.

And I think it's extremely telling that Kerry came up to New Hampshire to do his shopping, where we have 1) no sales tax and B) the first-in-the-nation Presidential primary, instead of doing his shopping in Massachusetts, or somewhere around D.C., or any of the other places he and TeRAYza have their mansions.



"Hmmm, let's see here. She ... (Below threshold)

"Hmmm, let's see here. She said spines would be right past the scented candles."

[whispers] What aisle are ... (Below threshold)

[whispers] What aisle are these in?

There should be $15 million... (Below threshold)

There should be $15 million on this debit card. Don't worry, all my purchases are official campaign presents.

As the holidays come around... (Below threshold)
Rodney Dill:

As the holidays come around and we prepare to turn the new year it becomes the time to reflect on ones goals and aspirations. Let's join John Kerry in this (strenuous) mental exercise.
"- Become President of the United States, guess I can scratch that one.
- Become President in 2008, Hmmm, probably not, Hillary has plans.
- Have sex with Kirstie Alley more likely now, and I hear she's getting desparate. Wait there she is in a tabloid. Holy Mother of Mercy she looks like ....., Guess I should've updated that goal a few years ago.."

"I was naughty BEFORE I was... (Below threshold)

"I was naughty BEFORE I was nice...."

Hey, there, neighbor... (Below threshold)
jack rudd:

Hey, there, neighbor, how are your pigs -- er, I mean hawgs -- doin' ?

What would be good for Chri... (Below threshold)

What would be good for Christmas dinner, hmmmmmmmm... I know, GOOSE!! ;-)

My Gawd! No one recognizes ... (Below threshold)
Just Don:

My Gawd! No one recognizes me! Wake up America! I'm John Kerry.....John. Forbes. KERRY!!!

Haircut and manicure - US$ ... (Below threshold)

Haircut and manicure - US$ 125

Chocolate corduroy trousers by Armani - US$ 350

Blouson jacket by Facconable - US$ 675

Used Democrat presidential candidate - worthless!

I got some uncounted ballot... (Below threshold)

I got some uncounted ballots here...where's the service desk?

Now, let's see - I had it s... (Below threshold)

Now, let's see - I had it seared in my memory - just up ahead, and maybe second on the right - and I should be in Cambodia again in time for Christmas..........

Thinks : "Shoot, damn glad ... (Below threshold)

Thinks : "Shoot, damn glad I lost - that looked like Lynette "Squeaky" Fromme in the pink hat....."

Thinks : "Shoot, if only I'... (Below threshold)

Thinks : "Shoot, if only I'd won - this Kay Bee is giving me great ideas for a presidential library layout....."

OK, I found what I wanted. ... (Below threshold)

OK, I found what I wanted. Now what? You want money for this stuff, right? How does this work? I don't have my staff with me ...

Every evening you could ... (Below threshold)

Every evening you could see him walk into the store
He stood six-foot-six and weighed 254
He never said much anyone could understand
Just lots of damn blather about how he had a plan
Big John
(Big John)
(Big Jo-o-o-ohn)
Flip-floppin' John

"Big screen TV's?"....... (Below threshold)

"Big screen TV's?"....

Excuse me, where is the "mo... (Below threshold)

Excuse me, where is the "moral values" aisle?

Wait - that action figure -... (Below threshold)

Wait - that action figure - it's not a GI Joe, it's a.... a.... Swift Boat Vet!!!!

John Kerry, forgetting the ... (Below threshold)

John Kerry, forgetting the election was over, posed for one last photo-op pretending to a regular guy shopping on Black Friday.

"That part about the econom... (Below threshold)

"That part about the economy being bad, that was, well, that was me lying."

"Hey, fella, that orange ba... (Below threshold)

"Hey, fella, that orange barn coat is for YOU. I don't need it anymore."

John Kerry finally buys a s... (Below threshold)

John Kerry finally buys a set of balls. Asks customers if Edwards is still playing on the toy aisle.

The election lost, a mental... (Below threshold)

The election lost, a mentally and emotionally shattered John Kerry is confronted by K-Mart security after aimlessly wandering around the store mumbling obscenities about President Bush, exit polls and Dick Cheney's lesbian daughter.

"'Blue Light Special on Int... (Below threshold)

"'Blue Light Special on Intimates?'

The fuck does that mean?"

There's mother's Geritol fo... (Below threshold)

There's mother's Geritol for the weekend, now how 'bout a little shaming the snack bar attendent.

Yes, that's better.

She seemed willing enough. ... (Below threshold)

She seemed willing enough. Now how to get Mr. Claus out of the way?

I come for the prices, I st... (Below threshold)

I come for the prices, I stay for the doddering trim.

Some people say John Kerry ... (Below threshold)

Some people say John Kerry can't shop with the common man, well READ MY PANTS...

Receipt sir...... (Below threshold)

Receipt sir...

Unfotunately John forgot hi... (Below threshold)

Unfotunately John forgot himself for a moment and shook hands with the door man, dying minutes later of unwashed.

-tick- -tick- -tick- -tick-... (Below threshold)

-tick- -tick- -tick- -tick-

"I vait outzide, Johneee. D... (Below threshold)

"I vait outzide, Johneee. Don't you kum out ov zere vizout ze ovvicial "Deek Cheenie Reelman Keet."

Mistaking a store security ... (Below threshold)

Mistaking a store security agent for one of his former secret service agents John Kerry orders him to fetch his bottled water, unique hairbrush, Lambert Field trading cards and magic hat.

John Kerry is seen here tak... (Below threshold)

John Kerry is seen here taking home the Ronco "Campaign-O-Matic." A new product guaranteed to make its owner not appear to be so much of an opportunistic yutz.

after losing the presidenti... (Below threshold)

after losing the presidential election , Kerry's allowance from Theresa was cut dramatically forcing him to shop at K-Mart..

"I'm sorry, Senator, but Mr... (Below threshold)

"I'm sorry, Senator, but Mr. Soros has closed your account."

Kerry:Excuse me help... (Below threshold)

Excuse me helper, what isle are the wealthy widows in?

Kerry:I'm giving eve... (Below threshold)

I'm giving everyone the talking Ann Coulter doll this year, she is so damn sexy..

"John? John Heinz!? ... (Below threshold)

"John? John Heinz!? Everyone thought you died in that plane crash!"

The gift card reads.... </p... (Below threshold)

The gift card reads....

My Dearest Hillary,

I hope you enjoy the following gifts. I had some free time so I stopped by this fantastic new store called Tar-zhay. Have you been here? It's great!

Anyway, you know I've always admired your politics. And well, I was wondering, sort of maybe, if you didn't have anyone already selected for your running mate that maybe, um, I don't know, perhaps maybe you might, well, um..... pick me?

Happy Politically Correct Holidays,

Your Friend,

Your Buddy,

I have 3 Purple Hearts,

John Kerry

I remain forever vigilent i... (Below threshold)

I remain forever vigilent in the idea that we can lead America to a brighter tomorrow, that we can do better, that we have yet to be all we can become, that we can be good citizens of the world and not only of our own self interests.

We can be all that... right after you give me 30 percent off the doorbuster price on Betsy Wetsy.

"Look, Miller, I don't care... (Below threshold)

"Look, Miller, I don't care what the Secret Service said -- it's your job to carry the shopping bag!"

"I think these waffle irons... (Below threshold)

"I think these waffle irons are defective - they've all stopped working."

Yes, my Wife sent me out fo... (Below threshold)
Hop Sing:

Yes, my Wife sent me out for some Tampax and a loofah for her stretch marks, also can you point me to the Big pants section?

"Got any maps to Chappaquid... (Below threshold)

"Got any maps to Chappaquiddick?"

Where's Willllllllllbur? I ... (Below threshold)

Where's Willllllllllbur? I need an apple.

Back away from that sir, I ... (Below threshold)

Back away from that sir, I saw it first. I will not hesitate to flail you with my packages. I have never run from a fight and I am not going to start now. I carry a piece of shrapnel around in my leg to prove it. I have three purple hearts. Did you know I was in Vietnam? I remember spending Christmas in Cambodia. It is seared, seared in me....

"I'm looking for the Fly Ov... (Below threshold)

"I'm looking for the Fly Over Section. They told me that's where I could buy some Red States."


Shoot. I promised her a fruitcake made with gin-soaked raisins. If I can't find one its gonna be chilier than Wendy's around the estate.


Just about got the shopping wrapped up. Just gotta find that Selectric fer my buddy Dan.


I sure miss my old flight jacket that George Washington and Ghandi gave me; it kept me cozy in the Delta but it always clashed with my lucky hat. This new one from Chirac fits my personal style better.

Update: <a href="ht... (Below threshold)

Update: Winners announced. Comments are now closed.






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