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Parking vigilantes?

I've been growing more and more annoyed with inconsiderate people and their parking habits -- in particular, those who park in fire lanes (usually right in front of a business' main entrance) or in handicapped spots (without, of course, a handicapped plate or placard). With that in mind, I've come up with an idea.

If you happen to find a car parked illegally in a handicapped spot, it shall be perfectly legal for you to rectify the situation by "handicapping" said car. Likewise, if it is in a fire lane, the car can be set on fire.

For repeat offenses, the same penalty can be applied to the drivers.

As Robert Heinlein once wrote, an armed society is a polite society.


Comments (25)

...and howzabout "compactin... (Below threshold)

...and howzabout "compacting" the SUVs and hyper-thyroidal pick up truck parked in spaces marked for compact cars?

And not to forget those who take up two perfectly good spaces with one overly-priced car, something similar to this:


I used to be a Heinlein fan... (Below threshold)

I used to be a Heinlein fan. I loved Stranger in a Strange Land. It seems like he was a big "right to die" advocate.

To get on the subject, what do we do with idiots who park 1/4 the way over the line?

Maybe just slash 1 tire - that's 25%

Ah, clearly you don't live ... (Below threshold)

Ah, clearly you don't live in Houston, where no one without a handicapped permit parks in a handicapped spot for one simple reason--anyone with any kind of pull can get a temporary handicapped permit.

I can't remember the last time I saw a genuinely handicapped person using a handicapped spot in Houston, although I can recall several times watching a guy screetch into a handicapped spot in his convertible mercedes, and vault out of his car Bo Duke style without opening the door, and sprint inside the store before the handicapped permit on his rearview mirror even stops swinging.

If you ever come to Houston, take a look at the class of cars parked in handicapped spots.. BMWs, Mercedes, high-end Lexuses.. as I tell out of towners all the time, Houston has the richest 'handicapped' people in the country.

I understand your frustrati... (Below threshold)

I understand your frustration, but only a jerk takes it out on the car. Confront the driver, politely, and for repeat offenders, involve the police. Don't commit a felony!

Is stupid considered a hand... (Below threshold)

Is stupid considered a handicap?

I like your ideas.

Let's see.

Double parking? get a friend, park one inch in front of the car, one inch behind.

I say, if they park in the handicap choose the handicap that fits best.

Blind. Paint on the windshield.
Deaf. Break in, tear out the stereo and speakers (keep it if its a good brand)
Stupid. Write a note saying you're sorry you hit their car. Watch as they go crazy trying to figure out where you hit them.

Just pick up the phone and ... (Below threshold)

Just pick up the phone and dial the local precinct. They -love- writing those tickets. People cheer when they see it happening!

My favorite is the 12, coun... (Below threshold)

My favorite is the 12, count 'em, 12 perpetually EMPTY handicapped parking spaces at my neighborhood Home Depot. I guess most handicapped don't need a chainsaw ect. Duh, why can't we think about these things?

Not an expert on these thin... (Below threshold)

Not an expert on these things, but I think ADA (Americans with Disabilities Act) requires a certain allotment of spaces for handicapped patrons.

But 12? That's just wasteful.

If it's at a supermarket, j... (Below threshold)

If it's at a supermarket, just SURROUND the vehicle with shopping carts. Don't touch the vehicle, though.

I especially prefer this response when it's raining.

Trapped as we are in the co... (Below threshold)

Trapped as we are in the congestive traffic around West Philly and Upper Darby, my fiance and I have spent plenty of time devising the perfect revenge. Something that we could actually do (given the time and money), not get caught at, and that wouldn't leave permanent damage to the parked car (that would allow anyone to trace us or sue us).

And we decided upon obtaining either skunk essence or the corpse essence (that they use to train tracking dogs), and devising some machine that would quickly and silently fire a blast of said essence into the parked car (perhaps via some small dissolvable capsule), from our car as it squeezes around them in rush-hour traffic.

Asshats in fancy cars may act unafraid of police, threats, and bullets, but you think they want to try to get skunk smell out of a BMW? I think not.

Why not just call the tow c... (Below threshold)

Why not just call the tow company?

Pretend you're from the store and have the car towed. Once it's being hooked up, there's no way to get it off the tow truck.

Perfectly legal and completely mean.

"skunk essence or the corps... (Below threshold)

"skunk essence or the corpse essence"

Just get some deer scent (which is actually deer urine) from you r local sporting goods store and squirt it down the vent holes in front of the windsheild. They won't get the full hit till they turn on the vents or air - and then they will just about die.

How about carrying some bir... (Below threshold)

How about carrying some bird seed and just sprinkling it on the car as you go by. Let nature take it's course.

I see more people abusing h... (Below threshold)

I see more people abusing handicapped spots WITH decals than I see people without decals abusing them. I've seen a cop give a ticket to someone who parked in a handicapped spot and obviously wasn't handicapped. They had a sticker, but he didn't care.

Yes, what a *great* idea, J... (Below threshold)

Yes, what a *great* idea, JayTea. Hey, let's make it so that the car not only is where it is not supposed to be, but also cannot be moved! Haha, that will completely solve the problem of its presence!

Your humorous suggestion is akin to suggesting that, when one child is loud in a kindergarten, you should pull the pin on a fragmentation grenade and chuck it into the room. Great, you've silenced the one kid who was causing the problem. And whoops, you've inconvenienced, maimed, and killed a lot of bystanders. Great job, John Wayne. Way to show that obnoxious child. And everyone else within the 5-meter kill radius.

Just stick to keying cars that are parked where you don't like them, for the love of Pete. You can even write inventive messages if you have the time. Like, "I will not park in the fire lane" one hundred times. It depreciates the car and "punishes" the driver with undesirable parking tendencies without causing problems for everyone around that person.

RightWingDuck: ""Stupid. Wr... (Below threshold)
Joe Bonforte:

RightWingDuck: ""Stupid. Write a note saying you're sorry you hit their car. Watch as they go crazy trying to figure out where you hit them. "

I've used that one. It works great.

Another similar technique is to get an image of a traffic ticket off the Internet and fudge it up for your local city. Then print a few and keep in the car - it works best if you have a color printer, but B&W will do fine.

Then whenever you see one of these jackasses, pull out a faux traffic ticket, fill in the date/time and vehicle ID, and leave it on the windshield.

Flakbait, it's been a while... (Below threshold)
Jay Tea:

Flakbait, it's been a while since I've seen someone in such dire need of a clue. I'm taking pity on you -- here's a free one.


What to do about cars parke... (Below threshold)

What to do about cars parked over the line into another space? I like to squeeze in right next to them, with my passenger door about 2" from their driver's doors -- folding my mirror in before parking if necessary. Then I go into the store and do my shopping.

If I'm lucky, I'll come out and get back to my car right as they're climbing through their passenger door and over the junk in the passenger seat to get to the driver's seat. A couple of times, I've even come back out to my car, seen that they haven't made it back yet, and hung out waiting for them for a while so as not to ruin the moment. Because that moment when they see you, and you look back at them, make eye contact, and smile, is just fucking priceless.

Once I came back to my car and the lady whose driver door I'd blocked access to (who was still standing outside of her car figuring out what to do when I returned) had the chutzpah to bitch at me for parking so close. I just looked at her and said, "Hey -- I'm all the way inside the lines for *my* spot ...."

My favorite comments on thi... (Below threshold)

My favorite comments on this subject are always those that pre-suppose that 'handicapped people don't need chainsaws' (yeah you, jeff!) Well, I've got news for you Jeff, Home Depot sells more than just chainsaws, my friend. I'm recently handicapped, unfortunately--and my attitude before I was disabled was just the same as most of the ignorant people here--'why do we need ALL of these handicapped spots?!!' Now that I absolutely NEED the spot, I wonder to myself--where'd they all go? If I can't get the handicapped spot up front--I simply can't shop at the store--so I'm in favor of everything that has been suggested in this post (including capital punishment!) for those that recklessly disregard the handicap spots. And one more thing, just because a person isn't in a wheelchair, or on a walker, doesn't mean they are not handicapped and deserving of a placard. What does a handicapped person 'look' like anyway, for all you medical experts out there?

I guess I'm a little older ... (Below threshold)

I guess I'm a little older than some in this thread. I remember when we used to have another name for those parking spots. Do you know what we used to call those spots? Before the government fiat requiring spots be set aside for handicapped people, we used to call them good parking places. I'm healthy and don't mind walking an extra few feet and even before the silly blue signs I usually left those spots open for older folks. However, the ADA and it's resulting requirements have been excessive. Most of the time I see a handicapped license plate it is obvious that the main handicap is being a bad driver.

BMW owners might not want t... (Below threshold)

BMW owners might not want to look at this solution:

Kimberly,A trick I h... (Below threshold)

A trick I have used in Havertown, Darby and Manayunk: Go to any store that sells bikes or tire repair kits. Get a stem pin tool. Less than $2. Small enough to keep it in the little change pocket in your jeans.
With 6 twists of the wrist, out comes the pin in their valve stem. You can either leave the pin inplace (the air will leak out in under a minute), or take it with you. To be a real prick, leave the pins next to the tires, or on the windshield.
I like leaving them in the tire, since it sends them off to the dealership or tirestore, looking for a hole/puncture.
If it is a handicapped spot or other illegal spot, a quick call to the local cops works well on top of this. Yuppies and other oblivions don't have enough of a clue to find the cause of the problem or fix it, before the cops make the trip from the coffee shop.
I also like walking up these folks with my cane, and obvious limp, and ask which one is the cripple. Then point to my pickemup 10-30 spaces out into the lot.

Oh, and Kimberly, you can g... (Below threshold)

Oh, and Kimberly, you can get Fox urine in most hardware stores. It's used to scare of skwirrls, deer and other pests; quite pungent. Does nothing against the hippies, though. They smell worse.
I think the True Value on Ridge carries it. If not, the big box stores up at Plymouth Meeting will.

Paste an 8.5 by 11 sheet ov... (Below threshold)

Paste an 8.5 by 11 sheet over the driver's window. First time, use rubber cement. Second time use epoxy.

I agree with you there, Jay... (Below threshold)

I agree with you there, Jay. It pisses me off to no end when someone makes me park further and further away because they are in MY HANDICAPPED spot. Some years ago, a friend sent me a site where you could print out tickets and put them on cars like that. I do believe the law says you can call the police and if the car is still there, they can actually tow it away and give the owner s piece of their minds but most of us don't know what we can and cannot do - somehow a statement has to be made. My new chair is in - just need to get a lift and cover that I can't afford, so if some jerk makes me walk because he's parking in a HP spot - and there are not enough of them - I wish could walk in my shoes for a mile and see why they should not park in those valuable spots.







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