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When bad things happen to good songs

OK, time for another new contest!

A little while ago, really, really bad ideas for songs started percolating around the back of my brain. I figured I can't be the only person this happens to, so I thought I'd toss it out and see just how vicious the readers of Wizbang can be.

The challenge: take one or more existing songs and propose new versions of them -- the more wretched, the better. Bonus points will be awarded for total numbers of songs abused and amusing descriptions and/or anecdotes about them. And as is usual for my contests, the winners should be announced Thursday.

And also as is my usual, I will post a couple of my own ideas to get the ball rolling.

Christina Aguilera returns to her slutty ways with her remix of the classic song into the new anthem, "A Bisexual Built For Two." It begins with, "Britney, Britney, gimme some booty, do."

Adam Sandler hoped to unite two of the world's greatest religions when he recorded "Ave Maria" to the tune of "Hava Nagilah." Tragically, he succeeded when he was lynched by a mob of outraged Catholics and Jews.

Go wild, and see you Thursday.



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» Sarcasmagorical - the blog of Brant E. DeBow linked with Second Place Not So Bad

Comments (21)

Billy in Jeans... (Below threshold)

Billy in Jeans

Written & composed by Michael Jackson.

"Billy in jeans is not my lover
He's just a boy who claims that I am the one...ou ou..."

I think it is time to remak... (Below threshold)

I think it is time to remake the Jim Croce classic, I'll have to say I love you in a song. My version: I'll have to say I love you with my schlong.

'Nuff said.

Oh. And some lyrics to the... (Below threshold)

Oh. And some lyrics to the aforementioned Croce remake. Instead of:

Well, I know it’s kind of late
I hope I didn’t wake you


Well, I know it's kind of huge
I hope it doesn't scare you

I realize this is probably going to get me banned. Sorry.

The Marine Hymn (Halls of M... (Below threshold)

The Marine Hymn (Halls of Montezuma) re-recorded to the tune of "Gilligan's Island".

From the hall of Montezuma
To the shores of Tripolii
We will fight our country's baaattles
One air, land, and sea... air, land, and sea...

I think Maddonna's version ... (Below threshold)

I think Maddonna's version of American Pie is enough slaughtering of songs for me, thank you very much.

I had a dream once that Nir... (Below threshold)
Not Tony:

I had a dream once that Nirvana did a cover of "Hopelessly Devoted to You" from Grease. Not particularly wretched, I suppose, but curious, I thought.

Here are some entries compo... (Below threshold)

Here are some entries composed recently by myself and posted up for general consumption...

1) "Miss Kopechne", parody of S&G's Mrs. Robinson. Comes with Ted Kennedy rant.
I'd like to get to you know you, can you please not tell my wife?
I'd like to help you get out of that dress...
Golly gee, I'm going that way! I'll give you a ride!
No, that isn't irish whiskey it's a Coke.

2) "All I Wanna Do", parody of Sheryl Crow's All I Wanna Do. Written very late at night, also includes a SHoP favorite: reviewing SF Bay Aryan craigslist ads.
And he's plain tired to me,
And I wonder if he's ever gonna try to go and get some sleep tonight.
We are blogging early on a Tuesday
The SHoP is open late for all you junkies.

Still hungry for more?... (Below threshold)

Still hungry for more?

3) "F You Gays", parody of Lionel Richie's All Night Long. Could be considered extremely offensive. Perhaps only for consumption by the most insensitive, politically incorrect conservatives amongst us. Background: night of election 2004, SixHertz and I were watching election results trickle in from our respective California apartments. Across the nation, referendums on gay marriage came back in big collective "F OFF", due much in part to my cross-bay neighbors in Mayor Gavin Newsom's San Francisco. This phrase became our slogan, song soon followed.

Watch you make the South so mad
See them define a Mom and Dad
Make them think that gays are bad
Scare them with your flaming
(flaming, flaming)
Make your useless noise,
and throw your useless weight,
You, yourselves will isolate

and finally, a parody which... (Below threshold)

and finally, a parody which I hold dear to my heart as it was written during a very strife-tastic point in my life...

4) "Sounds of Hayward", a parody of S&G's Sounds of Silence. Background: Hayward is a ghetto-tastic suburb of Oakland/San Francisco/San Jose. Crap-on-Your-Bed girl was my favorite waitress at the club. We made out in my truck one night after her shift. Unfortunately, she was and still is dating some loser who works at Home Depot. COYB Girl's nickname is derived from the fact that despite screwing up your drink order, she was so cute you couldn't stay mad at her-- much like the cute little puppy who craps on your bed.

Mad at her you'll try to stay,
She whisks your anger far away
To a place her errors do not show.
Boyfriend works at fucking Home Depot,
Where he drives his forklift to my truck.
Ask the sounds of Hayward.

The Marine Hymn (Halls o... (Below threshold)

The Marine Hymn (Halls of Montezuma) re-recorded to the tune of "Gilligan's Island".

Did you know you can do that with "Amazing Grace," too? (And I think it matches up better lyrically than the Marine Hymn.)


Oldies but goodies.<p... (Below threshold)
Roy Lofquist:

Oldies but goodies.

The photograper's song: "Some day my Prints will come"

The misionary's song: "I'm dreaming of a white christian".

3/1/05Hambur... (Below threshold)


Hamburg (Reuters) Deutschegrammophon announced today that they have signed Ozzy Osbourne and George Michael to record an '80s nostalgia boxed set. Both musicians are already busy in the studio recording their first single for the project: "Wake Me Up Before You Bark at the Moon"

I always thought a mortgage... (Below threshold)

I always thought a mortgage company would do well to paraphrase the Heart song: "How can we get you a loan?"

You are a little late. The ... (Below threshold)
Just Don:

You are a little late. The winner of this contest must be Kelly Clarkson for her renditions of "The Star Spangled Banner" and "O Holy Night" last December.

She truly "made them her own" as they say on American Idol.

The most annoying one I eve... (Below threshold)

The most annoying one I ever did was to the tune of 'Xanadu'. How annoying? I still remember it more than 20 years after I needed to:

H2O (deedle dee deedle dee)
CO2 and light
ma-akes C6H12O6
Plus O2

Argh! Make it stop!

The chihuahua from the Taco... (Below threshold)

The chihuahua from the Taco Bell ads singing Feliz Navidad:

"Quier-o taco bell... Quier-o taco bell"

Thanks for warping my brain, Jay Tea

I unwittingly entered this ... (Below threshold)

I unwittingly entered this contest with some posts a few months ago. First, we have "The Kofi Man" (with aplogies to Sammy Davis Jr.)

And during last campaign when, John Edwards was claiming that Christopher Reeve would walk again if they were elected, I rewrote the hymn "O For a Thousand Tongues to Sing" as a new Democratic Hymn

I hope I posted those links in correctly. Enjoy.

J.I was just readi... (Below threshold)
Katherine Lambert:


I was just reading Michelle Malkin today and she surmised correctly that the same people who read Powerline, NRO, Instapundit, LGF, etc. etc. also surf around and read the other big 20. Wizbang is on my big 20. But no more.

After a hiatus from slogging (surfing my fav blogs) because of a family wedding I was checking up on what I had missed.

Your posting about Christina, Britney and that perfectly lovely song is it for me.

I am 46, conservative, a BGR for W, and a pretty hip mother (if I do say so myself) of two children in their early 20s. I have an iShuffle, a cool convertible, and buy whole foods. But that twisted sick little brain of yours has now so turned me off that Wizbang is off my list.

Take it from me J. GET A LIFE, GET SOME VALUES and set your mind on more wholesome and helpful things then destroying old songs with sick humor.

Since I watch Orange County Chopper, I know that when Paul Jr. says a bike is "Sick" he means he thinks its great. But when I tell you I think you mind, your contest and your humor is "Sick". I mean sick, get some help - or at least visit a God Blog or two.

Anyways say so long to Kevin. He looks too old to be allowing such crap on his web site. Yes I am a prude and proud of it J. I don't think you make your mother proud with posts like that.

Smut is smut is smut is smut, great minds do not produce such smut and you are the opposite of Ronald Reagan who knew that a dirty joke had its proper place and time. In private, in the company of agreeing adults, and with some limits. For shame, for shame J. "you are hanging over the pit of hell on a very thin thread." I can tell its getting ready to snap because if you type THAT into a public blog what must your PRIVATE thoughts consist of? The mind shrinks, the soul shudders, the darkness comes.


For the premier of a newly ... (Below threshold)
Salt Lick:

For the premier of a newly remixed "Alexander," Colin Farrell will sing "I Did it Bi-Way." Sample verse:

"And now, the end is near, and so I face, the final curtain.
My friend, I'll say it clear,
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain.
I've lived, a life that's full, killed everyone, from Greece to Cathay.
And more, much more than this,
I did it bi-way."

Have ya heard Elton John's ... (Below threshold)

Have ya heard Elton John's "Don't Let the Sun go Down on Me" remade for Bill Clinton "I Let an Intern Go Down on Me"

Yes I lied
and left a stain upon the blue dress
My Advisor's, said I'd never testify

Funny, I have a copy if ya want to post it...

Life is Good

Katherine, well done. For ... (Below threshold)

Katherine, well done. For a moment, I was beginning to think that blogging was partly fun. But no more -- I will become as serious about blogging as Ronald Reagan was about everything. Umm but wait a minute, isn't he the guy who joked about the attempted assassination of a sitting U.S. President? Shame on him, but I digress. At least the Gipper didn't sing.






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