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New Wizbang Contest: Name the New Secretary General!

Austin Bay is soliciting serious nominations to who should succeed the depressed Kofi Annan as Secretary General of the United Nations. I was about to make my own nominations when I noticed that darn word "serious."

So there's the newest Wizbang contest -- nominate the next Secretary General. Be sure to give your nominee's qualifications, as well. And with luck, I'll announce the winners on Thursday.

Here's a few examples to get you started:

Yassir Arafat: they loved him so much when he was alive, let them deal with his rotting corpse.

Scott Peterson: not only would running the UN be, most likely, a fate worse than death, but the former fertilizer salesman is used to to dealing with that kind of BS.

Bobcat Goldthwait: Not only would sending a comedian to the UN send exactly the right message, they'd have to hire yet more translators to understand what he was telling them.



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Comments (63)

John Kerry- if he actually ... (Below threshold)

John Kerry- if he actually wins something maybe he'll STFU and go away. Speaking French is a definite plus, and we all know he has the backing of several foreign leaders, we just don't know who they are.

The Manolo - some of those ... (Below threshold)

The Manolo - some of those delegates are simply fashion disasters!

Paul VolkerDr. Zal... (Below threshold)

Paul Volker

Dr. Zalmay Khalilzad

Oscar Arias Sánchez

Lech Walesa

Tony Blair (if he loses or when he steps down)

Koizumi (if he loses or when he stpes down)

John Howard (when he steps down)

Bono ~ Because, c'mon man, ... (Below threshold)

Bono ~ Because, c'mon man, he's Bono!

Martha Stewart Par... (Below threshold)

Martha Stewart

Paris Hilton/Nicole Ritchie (both of them together).

"Weird Al: Yanklevich... (Below threshold)

"Weird Al: Yanklevich

Michael Jackson -- We know ... (Below threshold)

Michael Jackson -- We know he will wade right into the middle of the child sex scandal in Congo.

Bill Clinton - we know he w... (Below threshold)

Bill Clinton - we know he will do a "honourable" job

I'll second Martha Stewart ... (Below threshold)

I'll second Martha Stewart -- she's already under home monitoring so we'll know where she is at all times, she's a proven liar, she knows what a prison looks like from the inside (hopefully, Kofi and Kojo will as well) and dammit, "that bitch can do anything".

Dan Rather -- he's availabl... (Below threshold)

Dan Rather -- he's available.

Hunter Thompson.... becaus... (Below threshold)

Hunter Thompson.... because a nutjob with a hole in his head is still better than Kofi Annan.

Ward Churchill... but according to his resume', he was already Secretary General of the United Nations.

Korean stand-up comedian Jo... (Below threshold)

Korean stand-up comedian Johnny Yune.

"I'm Yune of the UN!"

There can only be one: Kojo... (Below threshold)

There can only be one: Kojo Annan. After all he was born into the job, knows how to get things done in true UN fashion, and he's already on the payroll. Look at the money the UN could save on stationary too!

Murdoc... (Below threshold)


The late Sam Kinison, he wh... (Below threshold)
Pat Downing:

The late Sam Kinison, he who told the starving masses in Africa to get into a bunch of trucks and get the.... OUTTA there. It's a freakin DESERT! Nothin's gonna grow there, ever. See this..it's SAND!SAND!!!! Load those people on those trucks and get them OUTTA there!

Duck Dodgers. Forget about... (Below threshold)

Duck Dodgers. Forget about international relations, just think what he could do for interplanetary relations. Why before you know it, we'd be having Martian sex scandals, and wondering where exactly the "Money for Dilithium Crystals" went.

Why, Boutros-Boutros, by go... (Below threshold)

Why, Boutros-Boutros, by golly!

Michael Schiavo:If... (Below threshold)

Michael Schiavo:

If any nation refuses to go along with any U.N. resolutions, he will cut off all their nutrition and hydration!

Michael Moore - that way th... (Below threshold)

Michael Moore - that way the head of the UN can hate America as much as America hates him.

George Felos. Nobody has a... (Below threshold)

George Felos. Nobody has as deep an appreciation for the beauty of human suffering.

Myself, because I see the U... (Below threshold)

Myself, because I see the UN for what it really is: a horrible joke. That, and it would piss off a bunch of liberals.

Jimmy (Peanut Brain) Carter... (Below threshold)

Jimmy (Peanut Brain) Carter - he is already convinced that the US Government should be replaced with the UN

Michael Schiavo - Hey if he... (Below threshold)

Michael Schiavo - Hey if he can make himself the long suffering hero for starving his wife to death imagine what he could do with the Oil for Money scandal...

Oliver Willis - a know-it-a... (Below threshold)

Oliver Willis - a know-it-all who (apparently) would never insult a foreign dignitary by turning down a plateful of anything, a man who already thinks Bush is a boob and seems willing to give the USA no benefit of the doubt, a man who will never give up the hope that dictators are really just misunderstood people with the potential to become good, and a man who can further the noble cause of making the UN completely irrelevant. Or Jimmy Carter if Oliver is unavailable.

Me.Why should othe... (Below threshold)


Why should other people always get the graft, dammit? It's my turn!

Jaques Chirac-because deep ... (Below threshold)
Just Me:

Jaques Chirac-because deep down inside he knows he wants to really be kind of the world, and being Sec General will at least give him the illusion of holding that office.

I think Al Sharpton will be... (Below threshold)

I think Al Sharpton will be the only one who could carry the legacy and traditions of Annon and the U.N. in a way that will move progressively forward with the examples Annon has set.

A pet rock - Hey! If the UN... (Below threshold)

A pet rock - Hey! If the UN is stuck in the politics of the 1970s then give them a true icon.

Rumsfeld.After the... (Below threshold)


After they cart off the people who have heart attacks, cleaning up the place will be easier.

Hmm.Or Condaleeza ... (Below threshold)


Or Condaleeza Rice.

Usama Bin Laden!!!!!! He ha... (Below threshold)

Usama Bin Laden!!!!!! He hates the United States and what better way to do what he wants and get away with it, because of Diplomatic Immunity. For that matter, Usama could hire Abu Zarqawi as his number 2 guy and then we would know where the both of them are. rotflo

Okay, here are my nominees:... (Below threshold)

Okay, here are my nominees:

Saddam Hussein -- because liberals worked so hard to save his regime, now they can work hard to save his UN.

Fidel Castro -- Why not, Libs love the guy.

Bob Dornan - when yo... (Below threshold)

Bob Dornan - when you really want to shake things up, send in a B1.

Now that I think of it, Sae... (Below threshold)

Now that I think of it, Saeb Erekat isn't doing much these days... and it's pretty much the same as having Arafat up there, without the drycleaning bills for the tablecloth on his head.

Margaret Thatcher: I'll bet... (Below threshold)

Margaret Thatcher: I'll bet the Iron Lady can still knock some heads together even in her advanced age.

Ted Turner, because he just... (Below threshold)

Ted Turner, because he just loves to throw bad money after badder.

Insomniac wins (^^)!!... (Below threshold)

Insomniac wins (^^)!!

I'd like to nominate Margar... (Below threshold)

I'd like to nominate Margaret Cho.

I'm an optimist. She isn't very good at comedy but maybe she'll do better at something as inconsequential as the U.N...

One of the Simpsons - eithe... (Below threshold)

One of the Simpsons - either Homer, Bart or - maybe better still - OJ.

Jointly: Peter Jennings and... (Below threshold)

Jointly: Peter Jennings and Hanan Ashrawi : such chemistry, such passion, such feeling........[pass the sick bag, Alice]

Dan Rather.First, ... (Below threshold)
Steven L.:

Dan Rather.

First, he has the free time.

Second, he would be right there to investigate any new scandals. "I would love to break the story about how that $3 bilion dollars went missing, $4 million of it ended up in my bank account, and those three flemish hookers ended up in my hotel room."

Ooo! I get to do the "Obvi... (Below threshold)

Ooo! I get to do the "Obvious Attempt at the Suck Up Award:"

Jay Tea

And no, he don't need no st... (Below threshold)

And no, he don't need no steenking qualifications.

Lieutenant General Claudia ... (Below threshold)

Lieutenant General Claudia J. Kennedy. She's a general who should have been a secretary.

Johnnie Cochran -- Doh! To... (Below threshold)

Johnnie Cochran -- Doh! Too late, sorry.

John Bolton! Because he sl... (Below threshold)

John Bolton! Because he slices like a freakin' hammer!

Someone eccentric, like Bob... (Below threshold)

Someone eccentric, like Bobby Fischer.

Ben Affleck, Bombs for ever... (Below threshold)

Ben Affleck, Bombs for everyone!

Boutros Boutros-Ghali: It's... (Below threshold)

Boutros Boutros-Ghali: It's fun to say, it's fun to chant, and he's got the experience.

Ooo! I get to do the "Ob... (Below threshold)

Ooo! I get to do the "Obvious Attempt at the Suck Up Award:"

Jay Tea

Ooh, I was going to do that, but I got the last suck up/insult award.

C'mon Jay, when you are done running Ted's campaign, you could do the commute. Pretty good perks too. Got any sons?

P.S. your little form tool doesn't allow for line breaks, I get insulted when I have to enter html by hand. Too old for this shit

.... (Below threshold)


Chapaquidick Ted He knows ... (Below threshold)
Rod Stanton:

Chapaquidick Ted He knows how to get away with murder.

Helen Thomas - She has an o... (Below threshold)

Helen Thomas - She has an opinion on everything...her opinions are always correct...she hates Bush.

Ramsey Clarke - Beloved by ... (Below threshold)

Ramsey Clarke - Beloved by Old Europe and dictators around the world, he holds the appropriate anti-American positions.

Maureen Dowd - Crazy is as ... (Below threshold)

Maureen Dowd - Crazy is as crazy does....Who better to lead the asylum.

Hillary. She will ban mini-... (Below threshold)

Hillary. She will ban mini-skirts so that her nuts won’t show.

S - thanks for the vote of ... (Below threshold)

S - thanks for the vote of confidence!

Richard Gere -- He has alre... (Below threshold)

Richard Gere -- He has already informed the Palestinians he speaks for the whole world. Now he deserves the UN title to go with his "reality".

Ted Turner. Who wouldn't w... (Below threshold)

Ted Turner. Who wouldn't want to see the General Assembly doing the ole Tomahawk Chop whenever they pass a resolution against Israel?

Ohhhhhh, oh OH-oh-oh-oh,
Ohhhhhh, Oh, Ohhhhhhh.

Jerry Lewis - beloved by th... (Below threshold)

Jerry Lewis - beloved by the French - and he can save us a lot of money by broadcasting a 365-day telethon for the UN, 24 hours a day on CNN - only to pro-UN countries.

Jerry Lewis for UN Secretar... (Below threshold)

Jerry Lewis for UN Secretary General: campaign poster.

Just pick someone at random... (Below threshold)

Just pick someone at random, with one "negative filter"; anyone who expresses affiliation with any political party should be excluded. That way, megalomaniacs would - on balance - be filtered out, and so would soft-headed morons who view politics the way normal people view sporting contests.

In its current structure, the UN is almost as pointless as the scum who run the UN's member States - economic parasites to a man (just like ALL poiticians). As for the latter, their only contribution is to fuck up our lives in new and interesting ways, and to increase the share of taxes in GDP (and/or to try and violate intertemporal budget constraints) in order to better fatten the wallets of their corporate paymasters (I shreik this as a dedicated capitalist who actually recognises CRONY capitalism when he sees it).



I second the Arafat nominat... (Below threshold)

I second the Arafat nomination: at least a dead guy is less likely to embezzle, and when they commit crimes against humanity, they can legitimately he was unaware of it.

Failing that, my nomination would be Jeff Weise -- maybe he'd manage to cap a few ambassadors before the security guards took him down.






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