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U Conspiracy

As you are undoubtedly aware, dear reader, conspiracy theories abound in the post-9/11 world. In fact, some even believe that the positive reception of the new 9/11 film by conspiracy-loving Oliver Stone is itself a conspiracy. And, of course, according to polling, six out of every five Arabs believe that the American and/or Israeli government is behind manifold terrorist attacks.

For some reason, no one ever blames, say, Norway for this stuff. Why couldn't an evil cabal of insidious Norwegians be the cause of worldwide terrorism? Admittedly, it's not very likely, but isn't the notion that the world's ills are all the CIA's machinations force us to come to some odd conclusions? After all, how could that rather inept organization prove so resourceful?

Naturally, sundry terrorist conspiracy theories have resonated in the American academy--that bastion of intellectuals devoted to proffering some of the most unhinged opinions in recent memory. Thanks to the popularity of Edward Said--may peace be upon Him--darn near every Middle Eastern Studies professor firmly believes that the USA and Israel are the root of all evil. Under such circumstances, is it really a stretch to conclude that they are responsible for 9/11?

In fact, all of this academic prattling about 9/11 conspiracy theories has led us to a conspiracy theory of our own. Of course, our pet notion isn't terribly likely to be true; but neither are any conspiracy theories, for the good reason that they presuppose people are sufficiently intelligent and cunning to conspire in the first place.

So, what's our lamebrain theory? We're glad you asked.

If you ask us, a secret collection of American university professors is responsible for 9/11. In clandestine faculty meetings, sundry tenured radicals conjured up the idea of attacking numerous symbols of American power. After all, what would seem like more appropriate objects of attack to fans of Louis Althusser? (Other than rationality, of course.)

The insidious targeting of these symbols had an obvious appeal to these left-wing professors. It would allow them to pump out more vacuous sub-academic drivel about the evils of America, and otherwise enliven the sorry state of postmodern discourse in the universities.

In short, it would provide a treasure trove of material for the Noam Chomskys and Ward Churchills of the world. Soon academic radicals could present such landmark lucubrations as "Monster, Terrorist, Fag" from the chi-chi journal Social Text.

Okay, so that's the theory. And, we think, it's every bit as plausible as the ones bandied about by oddball PhDs hoping for Andy Warhol's 15 minutes of fame. So, exactly when does the University of Wisconsin hire us?

(Note: The crack young staff normally "weblog" over at "The Hatemonger's Quarterly," where they are currently contemplating the impossibility of a transcendental signifier.)

Comments (10)

Testing...... (Below threshold)


Years ago there was conside... (Below threshold)

Years ago there was considerable attention being paid to a series of incidents at the Olympia Beer distillery in Washington state involving a mysterious clan of mischief makers known simply as the "Artesians". They were never seen. But whenever any mischief occurred on the grounds of the distillery, maniacal giggling could be heard coming from the artesian wells which supplied the water for the beer. I believe it is very possible these "Artesians" elevated their mischief making to an international level and it is they who perpetrated the horror we now know as 9/11.

Works for me!

Heh, I actually just posted... (Below threshold)

Heh, I actually just posted my own bit today about why human beings are so prone to believe conspiracy theories. (Hint: it's related to why we like sex.)


My favorite non 9-11 conspiracy I heard somewhat recently was a warning to a newsgroup I read that the Air Force (specifically the Air Force) had secretly built secret laboratories beneath public school buildings (secretly) where they secretly subject school children to cruel scientific experimentation. Furthermore, if your child was involved in this secret Air Force experimenting, it MIGHT be illegal IF YOU HADN'T GIVEN PERMISSION.

That last bit was the clincher for me.

These people are not sane.

For some reason, n... (Below threshold)
For some reason, no one ever blames, say, Norway for this stuff. Why couldn't an evil cabal of insidious Norwegians be the cause of worldwide terrorism?

I'm of Norwegian descent and you have come too close to the truth. Now I will have to kill you by making you eat lutefisk.

Ha! The joke's on you, the... (Below threshold)

Ha! The joke's on you, then!

He will kill himself before he eats lutefisk!

By "he" I mean, of course, the "young cracked staff, etc." . . .


Is it possible that we have... (Below threshold)
USMC Pilot:

Is it possible that we have another "Pelican Brief" here?

Whoever wrote this article ... (Below threshold)

Whoever wrote this article is a blithering idiot. There is nothing funny about 9/11. Nothing whatsoever.

Smells like a speaking tour... (Below threshold)

Smells like a speaking tour, book deal, and onto every MSM daily news show to me. I like it! Go for it!

OK. I confess. I'm Norwegia... (Below threshold)

OK. I confess. I'm Norwegian and it was in fact a cabal of dastardly Norwegians that carried out 9/11. I was the lead hijacker.

Are you nuts? Are you kiddi... (Below threshold)

Are you nuts? Are you kidding me!? John Kerry, Streisand, the Baldwins, Susan Sarandon, Al Gore, et. al., it was THESE people who engineered 9/11 to make the Bush administration look bad! Who else could it be? Who else had the best motive!? Come on! Look: the Republicans stole the 2000 election. What better way to make them look bad by attacking the USA and starting war with Afghanistan and Iraq and then blaming it on Bush? Come on... it was the bastard Liberals! Plain as day!






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