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Press Conference at the Alternate Universe News Network

"I would like to thank the press for attending this conference. I will be making a brief statement, then I will be open for a few questions.

"As you all know, I am a patriot who has fought and bled for our great nation, and the President knows full well the service I have delivered to him and to the Army. So I was appalled to be accused as some kind of traitor.

"This nation knows that I have been three times wounded in battle, and my wife died while I was in service to the nation. I have paid out of my own pocket to supply my men with provisions and meet their needs, for which I was never recompensed by Congress. I earned my promotions through daring and courage on the field; though the President more than once praised my valor and victories, he himself has seldom enjoyed such success as a commander, save when my work made it possible, and he has had the good fortune to escape suffering the sorts of injuries which I and men like me have borne without complaint.

"It is plain to many men like me, that this war we now fight is hopeless, and our best course, likely our only hope, is to plead for negotiation to end the senseless violence which presently tears at our nation.

"Thank you. I will now accept a few questions from the press."

'General Arnold, I'm Tory London from the New York Times, and thank you for your service. Do you think President Jefferson is provoking this new war with Tripoli to take attention away from his mismanagement of the economy?'

"I don't want to speculate about his motives, but you know, it's something you do have to think about, the possibility that he is sending armed men into foreign countries because he just can't get over the fact that we really never won that war against Britain."

'General Arnold, Forbes Kerry from the Boston Globe...'

"We're old friends, Forbes, please call me Benedict-"

'Thank you, Benedict. Some pamphleteers are trying to justify the use of military force by saying we should attack pirates in their lands, rather than wait for them to come over here and attack us. How would you answer them?'

[shakes head] "That's just sad, Forbes. 'Pirates' is a derogatory term used to marginalize complaints from people who have grievances against the American government, it has no place in civilized debate. And anyone with intelligence would know better than to listen to someone who is not established in the press as you are. I mean, these pamphleteers are just a bunch of know-nothings who like to spout off their ignorance."

'General Arnold, I'm Tom Paine and I'm one of those pamphleteers you just insulted. What about men of great standing who publish pamphlets?'

"I know no such 'great men'. "

'What about James Otis?'

"Never heard of him"

'Samuel Adams'

[snorts] "A loud drunkard"

'Benjamin Franklin'

"A fat, old drunkard who chases women"

'Paul Revere'

"A poor horseman with delusions of grandeur"

'Alexander Hamilton'

"A poor statesman with delusions of grandeur"

'OK, be that way. What about you trying to sell West Point to the British in 1780?'

"Old news, I did what was necessary to oppose that senseless war."

'So you're not a traitor?'

"How dare you question my patriotism, just because I did not support the war! This conference is over!"

[ stomps away from podium]


Listed below are links to weblogs that reference Press Conference at the Alternate Universe News Network:

» The Wide Awake Cafe linked with Putting Ambition above National Security

» Doug Ross @ Journal linked with The New York Times: a Dreadful Parody

Comments (28)

I didn't think it was possi... (Below threshold)

I didn't think it was possible. But it is. You've reached a new level of ianaity.

sp correction - inanity... (Below threshold)

sp correction - inanity

Is there a point here? Is t... (Below threshold)
nogo postal:

Is there a point here? Is this an attempt to compare retired Generals who served our nation with honor who have and continue to question our "mission" in Iraq with B. Arnold?
But you have given me idea...Our President's pretend responses as he is shown a slide show of images taken at Abu G....of course it would be limited to
"heh heh heh"

So, Hugh and Nogo, why are ... (Below threshold)

So, Hugh and Nogo, why are you here?

It is ironic that you both are more inane in your comments than the post could ever DREAM of being.

Are you paid by the word or by the post?

Good job, DJ; you've stirre... (Below threshold)
Old Coot:

Good job, DJ; you've stirred up two of our pitiful trolls already, likely more to follow.

Parker:An easy ans... (Below threshold)


An easy answer. I'm here to enjoy reading what those who differ with me have to say; I'm here to debate; I'm here to be entertained; I'm here to be amused; I'm here to be challenged; and I'm here to express my criticism to authors of blogs. I think I offered a good criticism on this one. Don't you?

<a href="http://www.enotes.... (Below threshold)
DJWhat a delusiona... (Below threshold)


What a delusional post!

Stoop to anything to make a lame comparison.

Toatally absurd.

Hugh - Hmmm, tough... (Below threshold)

Hugh -

Hmmm, tough one.

What you believe to be 'good criticism' was a single, snarky, unsupported insult, with no reference to the content of the post.

With a typo. (Not unlike putting a cherry on top of your vacuous sundae.)

So, to answer your question, no.

It does explain much about your commentary, though. At least you are having fun with it - that makes one.

The success of my post, in ... (Below threshold)

The success of my post, in this case, is demonstrated by the shrillness of the moonbats.

Hugh - Also, I que... (Below threshold)

Hugh -

Also, I question your patriotism.

My question in, what is your patriotism's favorite mollusk?

Parker:Using the n... (Below threshold)


Using the noun inanity is not snarky at all. It describes my view of the post - silly. You want me to go line by line?


"...shrillness?" Perhaps something other than that. I didn't even giggle much less make any other noise. Oh, actually I guffawed.I stand corrected.

Anyone else notice the moon... (Below threshold)

Anyone else notice the moonbats were so upset by the post, that their early posts were spelling nightmares?

If there is one thing I hav... (Below threshold)

If there is one thing I have learned here it is that a liberal will never say "I will not dignify your comment with one from me." Man, it is almost Pavlovian the way you can get these guys to respond automatically to almost anything.

Parker, We need lib... (Below threshold)
LoveAmerica Immigrant:

We need liberal posters to remind us of the intellectual and moral bankruptcy of the liberal left.
Just look at the actions of the liberal left and the excuse the liberals on this forum are making for these despicable behaviors. We know how corrupt the left is.

LoveAmerica Immigrant:... (Below threshold)

LoveAmerica Immigrant:

Same question for your patriotism -

What is your patriotism's favorite mollusk?

(See, I question EVERYONE'S patriotism! Note that Hugh did not dare answer...)

We need liberal po... (Below threshold)
Old Coot:
We need liberal posters to remind us of the intellectual and moral bankruptcy of the liberal left.

That nailed it. Don't ban them except for extreme vulgarity. Think of it as a zoo where we can observe the pitiful trolls without having to venture under the bridges where they live.

DJI noticed that a... (Below threshold)


I noticed that also. I, like you, gauge how shrill they respond to an article with validation of said article. They hate truth. They hate moderation. They just plain hate to hate. ww

I think <a href="http://dow... (Below threshold)
Parker, You know wh... (Below threshold)
LoveAmerica Immigrant:

You know where my patriotism is. Just look at my action: I risked my life to come to America. Just look at the actions of the liberals: Bush is turning into a Hitler while they romanticize Adha (of Iran). If the liberals are honest, they would have to move to Iran for example.
I don't care about what liberals say these days. I expect liberals to say anything to suit their agenda of the day, and the next they will say the opposite. Simply look at their actions to see where their patriotism is.

LoveAmerica Immigrant - </p... (Below threshold)

LoveAmerica Immigrant -

No offense meant - I don't question that you HAVE patriotism (or where it is), I just want to know what its favorite mollusk is.

[I need to read the label on the cold medication a little more closely before posting, maybe...]

LoveAmerica Enemagrunt<br /... (Below threshold)

LoveAmerica Enemagrunt

"I risked my life to come to America"

Care to regale us w/ the details of your enemagration?

And once again Mister Puke ... (Below threshold)

And once again Mister Puke reminds us why his screen name is so reminiscent of vomit...

Stoop to anything to ma... (Below threshold)

Stoop to anything to make a lame comparison. Toatally absurd. Posted by: aRepukelican at February 1, 2007 12:16 PM

"Totally absurd" - Very much like stooping so low as to denigrate and cast aspersions to any and everything here and for the most part acting the asshat as you do in the vast majority of your comments.

I agree with aR. It's as if... (Below threshold)

I agree with aR. It's as if DJ did an improvised Who's Who in 1801 riff into a tape recorder (while buzzed), then transcribed it verbatim, holes and all to purchase another bottle. Pamphleteers vs the "established Press"? Barbary Pirate Armada?

Just for those that don't k... (Below threshold)

Just for those that don't know-bryanDumbass belongs to the "club"

Hugh:<br... (Below threshold)


I think I offered a good criticism on this one. Don't you?

Not really.

I'm not going to question your patriotism, Hugh. However, I will question your intelligence if you honestly believe that your comment qualified as 'good' criticism. What you offered was nothing more than an opinion without any supporting argument.

Note this is a critic of your critic where I gave an assessment with a brief word supporting the assessment.

Opinion: Hugh critic was lousy.
Reason: It lacked any rationale.

That ends today's lesson of the basis for a 'good' critic. :)

jhow66h- do you alwa... (Below threshold)

do you always have to be bragging about this circle jerk club that you're the president of? isn't saturday night on your knees in the men's room enough for you? good god, man- take a cold shower, or something!






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