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Behind Closed Doors

The hearings over whether Michael Mukasey ought to be confirmed as United States Attorney General were a bit contentious in the Senate Judiciary Committee, but he did pass. However, as heated as they were in public, the private grilling was even worse. I can't divulge my sources, but I happen to have obtained the secret transcripts of the behind-door sessions. Here are a few excerpts:

* * * * *

Senator SCHUMER: "Moving on to other matters, Mr. Mukasey, I would like to discuss your opinions on certain racial matters. Would you say that you find the use of the n-word abhorrent?"

Mr. MUKASEY: "Yes, Senator, I do find that word abhorrent. It is a sad legacy of a terrible portion of our history, and I not only eschew its use, but I have contempt for those who use it today."

Senator SCHUMER: "And would you say that anyone who would use it is a racist?"

Mr. MUKASEY: "As a general principle, I believe that to be a fairly reliable indicator, but is not in and of itself a clear indication of racism, Senator."

Senator SCHUMER: "So, you do NOT think that the use of the n-word is racist, then?"

Mr. MUKASEY: "I did not say that, Senator. I said that it might be true in most cases, it is not an absolute fact."

Senator SCHUMER: "So, you have no problems with the use of the n-word?" Am I understanding you correctly?"

Mr. MUKASEY: "No, sir. Merely that there are circumstances when its use is not prima facie evidence of racism. For example, it is often used in modern rap lyrics, by blacks referring to themselves and other blacks."

Senator SCHUMER: "Mr. Mukasey, I am deeply troubled that someone the president considers worthy of the position of the nation's highest law-enforcement official would be so openly racist."

Mr. MUKASEY: "Senator, I did not say that. I merely pointed out that simply using that word is not a guarantee that the speaker is a racist. Black comics have also used that word, with great effect -- Eddie Murphy used it extensively in his stand-up acts, and Richard Pryor even put out an album entitled 'Bicentennial N-word.'"

Senator SCHUMER: "Mr. Mukasey, this is just too much of an affront to the American people, to have as Attorney General of the United States a man who exhibits such flagrant racism."

Mr. MUKASEY: "Senator, simply using the word is not sufficient to prove racist intent. Mark Twain, in 'Huckleberry Finn,' named a character 'Nigger Jim,' yet showed the cruelty and inhumanity and evil of racism and slavery. But I would hardly call Mark Twain a racist, simply because he used the word."

Senator SCHUMER: "Let the record show that the witness did, indeed, use the word "nigger."

* * * * *

Senator KENNEDY: "Er... ah... Mr. Mucousy, I would like to bring up the details of the torture technique more commonly referred to as 'waterboarding.' And could someone freshen my 'water?'"

Mr. MUKASEY: "Senator, please, my name is Mukasey, not 'Mucousy.' And while I am familiar with the general principles behind that interrogation technique, I have not been briefed on the particulars as it may or may not be practiced by agents of the United States government, and therefore cannot render an informed opinion on whether or not it truly constitutes torture under the letter of the law."

Senator KENNEDY: "So, Mr. Muskie, this torture method called 'waterboarding.' As I understand it, the victim is strapped to a 1967 Oldsmobile and... (AIDE interrupts Senator KENNEDY and whispers in his ear)... er... ah... strapped to a wooden board and immersed in water to partially drown the victim?"

Mr. MUKASEY: "Senator, it's Mukasey. And that is one variant, as I understand it. But there are other variants that actually do not involve drowning, but merely the sensation of drowning without actually endangering the victim or introducing water into the lungs. As these interrogations are highly classified, I have not been briefed on the particulars and therefore cannot make any sort of informed judgment on the matter."

Senator KENNEDY: "Mr. Musicky, there can be nothing more terrifying than drowning. The sensation of water filling up your lungs as you press your face into the upholstery... er, mask... to try to escape a horrifying death... (AIDE provides Senator KENNEDY with fresh cup of amber-tinted water)... sir, anyone who could allow that to happen to another human being has no business holding office in the government of these United States.Mr. Chappaqid... er, ah, Mr. Chairman, I have no further questions for this disgrace of a human being."

* * * * *

Again, these were from the closed-door portion of the hearings. I can not and will not divulge my sources who leaked me these details.

Update: Yes, as "Y. Goober" points out, Senator Schumer is indeed backing Mr. Mukasey's nomination. Either my transciptionist made an error, or Senator Schumer switched his position at some point after these closed hearings. My apologies for any confusion.


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Comments (21)

Bwahhhhh hah hah haaa!!!! ... (Below threshold)
Steve H.:

Bwahhhhh hah hah haaa!!!! Good Post Jay T. Wouldn't surprise me though if it were close to being the truth rather than fiction. Those bobble-headed nit-wits do not surprise me any more.

Nice work Jay. You make the... (Below threshold)

Nice work Jay. You make the 1/2 hour Comedy Hour look Shakespearian.

Well, Ole Ted (D, Chivas) i... (Below threshold)

Well, Ole Ted (D, Chivas) is an expert on drowning.

Well done Jay.It's... (Below threshold)

Well done Jay.

It's nice to start the morning with a good laugh.

Brings back memories of Ken... (Below threshold)

Brings back memories of Kennedy questioning Alito with pretty much the same level of ridiculousness. Good job, Jay.

Very hard to believe Kenne... (Below threshold)

Very hard to believe Kennedy questioned anyone on the subject of drowning. What's next from the Cape Cod Criminal Clan, tips on how to fly at dusk?

Ooooooo. Low blow there Gi... (Below threshold)

Ooooooo. Low blow there GianiD.

Jay - no questions from Bid... (Below threshold)

Jay - no questions from Biden? Surely there were some gems there - every time he opens his mouth stupid comes out...

Clancy, for some odd reason... (Below threshold)

Clancy, for some odd reason the Biden portion was exactly the same as Schumer's, just with Biden's name substituted in...

Must've been a glitch in the transcription.


This would be a whole lot f... (Below threshold)
You Goober:

This would be a whole lot funnier if you where not such a dumbass.

Schumer SUPPORTS Mukasey... Have you read the papers?

It was a joke!Ease u... (Below threshold)

It was a joke!
Ease up!!!!

Um... It's satire dude.... (Below threshold)

Um... It's satire dude.

Top of the morning to all o... (Below threshold)
Lady Di:

Top of the morning to all of you. Loved your satire, LOL!!!!

Poor democrats. They're ju... (Below threshold)

Poor democrats. They're just too easy to make fun of.

Back when CHUCKY SCHUMER wa... (Below threshold)
Spurwing Plover:

Back when CHUCKY SCHUMER was whinning about the prices of cereal yeah one big flake complaining about the prices of others. AND QUIT DELETING THE VOWELS FROM MY MESSEAGES IT RUFFLES MY FEATHERS SQUAWK SQUAWK
notiz=Achoo!...allergic reaction to sp skin dander.

Oh, yoo goober!... (Below threshold)

Oh, yoo goober!

LOL! Nicely done.... (Below threshold)

LOL! Nicely done.

But..it's called "watercarring."

And it is legal in Massachusetts.

Martha's vineyard Orca :... (Below threshold)

Martha's vineyard Orca : Mr. Mukekasee when You torture with water..are there like bubble's and gurgglin sound's??

Mr. MUKASEY: Why, yes, Sen... (Below threshold)

Mr. MUKASEY: Why, yes, Senator. I believe there are bubbles and gurgling sounds.

Martha's Vinyard Orca: Oh my, that dear poor girl.

Big TeddyK speaking out aga... (Below threshold)

Big TeddyK speaking out against waterboarding is like Monica Lewinski complaining about public displays of affection.

You Sooper Dooper Goober-</... (Below threshold)

You Sooper Dooper Goober-

Get yourself a nice year's subscription to Mad Magazine and lighten up a little. (Maybe you can find the back issue with the Robocop parody while your at it.)

Brilliant, Jay! :)






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