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Punxsutawney Phil Banned by White House

Gobbler's Knob (ONN) - After seeing his shadow and forecasting six more weeks of winter, eminent groundhog Punxsutawney Phil was condemned by President Obama and banned from all future participation in events supported with federal funds. Explaining the move, Obama said "This is a time of unprecedented crisis and we are obligated to work together to advance my agenda for the good of the nation. I won, not that overfed hamster, and he has no business obstructing my plans. Besides, I'm from Hawaii and all this snow and ice is harshing my mellow. Everything will be fine just as soon as you all agree with me!"

Federal authorities installed a replacement guru-groundhog, a New York product which some observers said bore a striking resemblance to former Illinois Governor Blagojevich. The substitute fur-faced prophet toed the party line, not only predicting imminent spring, but also that Obama would cause job creation by his desire alone that it should be so, and that anyone who disagreed with The One was "a hater like Rush Limbaugh". The New York audience was not notably impressed.

Back in Pennsylvania, Phil refused all questions from the media but did attempt to chew off Keith Olbermann's face, to the delight of the crowd. "Sure and that's what happened to Helen Thomas as well" claimed an anonymous citizen.

No real groundhogs were harmed in the making of this parody.


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Comments (10)

Hilarious article! I love ... (Below threshold)

Hilarious article! I love the onion and its nice to see through the eyes of sarcasm!

Great stuff!... (Below threshold)

Great stuff!

LOL!... (Below threshold)


In a related story, Al Gore... (Below threshold)

In a related story, Al Gore has called for the prosecution of Punxsatawny Phil as a "Global Warming Denier". "That little bastard predicts more winter? Doesn't he realize that anthropogenic global warming is a scientific consensus? I'll do his furry butt for heresy, er, being a denier" the Nobel Prize winner was overheard saying.

Punxsatawney Phil later responded, through a spokesman - "Al Gore want's to prosecute me? His time would be better spent on a Stairmaster, and besides I can't believe he isn't a major source of methane - a known greenhouse gas. "

Punxsutawney Phil put himse... (Below threshold)

Punxsutawney Phil put himself on the line so that we could know the truth.

LOL, good one.I re... (Below threshold)

LOL, good one.

I remember this one from two year ago.

1. Punxsutawney Phil has no obvious credentials or qualifications for predicting the weather other than the fact that he has a job predicting the weather. He was put in the job by people who find it useful for him to front the operation. Under any other circumstances, the fact that people claim to rely on him for this job would be ridiculous.

2. Even by the most optimistic estimates, he's been right only about 15 times in the last 25 years, not much better than flipping a coin, although his people have doctored the statistics to make it appear much higher. And actually, once you start digging, you quickly realize that no reliable data exist to evaluate how well he's been doing.

3. The only reason he's gotten as many right as he apparently has is because he's got handlers--let's be blunt: a bunch of well-dressed middle-aged white guys--who do the actual heavy lifting for him.

4. Independent professionals in his field don't take him seriously for a moment.

5. His dismal accuracy record is generally overlooked, though, since no one ever really expected he could predict the weather anyway.

6. He works, calculating generously, a few hours every February 2nd and takes the rest of the year off.

7. Even so, he gets housing, per diem, and a staff (including a driver).

8. Those around him know that the actual work he does is less important than the opportunity he creates for insiders and big corporations to make money off the hoopla.

So--is it me, or does Punxsutawney Phil sound an awful lot like a Bush appointee?

Good one, Deej. :)... (Below threshold)

Good one, Deej. :)

"So--is it me, or does P... (Below threshold)

"So--is it me, or does Punxsutawney Phil sound an awful lot like a Bush appointee?"

No, it's just you. Actually, since he doesn't pay any taxes, Punxsutawney Phil sounds an awful lot more like an Obama appointee.

I actually thought #6 was t... (Below threshold)
P. Bunyan:

I actually thought #6 was talking about Al Gore and the rest of leaders of the Church of Anthropogenic Climate Change.

The sad thing is that Palinisevil is too stupid to see the irony...

Paux Phil resemble the demo... (Below threshold)

Paux Phil resemble the democratically lead congress. One day of work, etc. ww






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