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Wizbang Weekend Caption Contest™

It's Friday, which means it's time for the Wizbang Weekend Caption Contest™. Enter your best caption for the following picture:

WASHINGTON - JUNE 09: Actor Kevin Costner testifies about the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico during a House Committee on Science and Technology hearing on Capitol Hill, June 9, 2010 in Washington, DC. The committee is hearing testimony from Mr. Costner on his Ocean Therapy Solutions machines that seperate oil from water and is being tested in the gulf.

Winners will be announced Monday morning.

Update: Winners announced. Click the link to read the winning entries. The contest is now closed.


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Comments (126)

"Gaawk - Excuse me gentleme... (Below threshold)
Upset Old Guy:

"Gaawk - Excuse me gentlemen, I think I just inhaled a fly."

Much like those who watch h... (Below threshold)
P. Bunyan:

Much like those who watch his movies, everyone who listened to his testimony felt that it was 90 minutes of their lives they'll never get back.

Even the portraits on the w... (Below threshold)

Even the portraits on the wall are laughing!

Am I an expert? I have one ... (Below threshold)

Am I an expert? I have one word for you - "Waterworld"

If you build it, it will su... (Below threshold)

If you build it, it will suck.

I invoke the rule of 8, and... (Below threshold)

I invoke the rule of 8, and challenge you for the control of the country.

"...but I did sleep at a Ho... (Below threshold)

"...but I did sleep at a Holiday Inn Express lastnight."

Dances with Idiots...... (Below threshold)

Dances with Idiots...

"No Speaker Pelosi, Chevy C... (Below threshold)

"No Speaker Pelosi, Chevy Chase was Wally World, I'm Waterworld."

Ahh - hell I forgot what I ... (Below threshold)

Ahh - hell I forgot what I was going to say.

Mr Costner testifies to Con... (Below threshold)

Mr Costner testifies to Congress on the ruling that using his movies on captured terrorists is legally considered torture.

New York Post Headline:<br ... (Below threshold)

New York Post Headline:
Costner to DC From Hollywood. Raises IQ of Both Cities.

"I did not have sex with th... (Below threshold)

"I did not have sex with that woman in the gulf!"

Well Congressman, unlike Ja... (Below threshold)

Well Congressman, unlike James Cameron, my proposal is real. As you can see in front of you, I have actually prepared the script...

There is no way He costs mo... (Below threshold)

There is no way He costs more then Berry?

God!! Hes aging faster than... (Below threshold)

God!! Hes aging faster than Barry.

Field of Dreams - The Retir... (Below threshold)

Field of Dreams - The Retirement Years

"I have not ever used any performance enhancing substances - Wait, does Viagra count?"

Do you have any credentials... (Below threshold)
Jeff Medcalf:

Do you have any credentials besides acting in Fishtar?

Crooked picture, unbalance... (Below threshold)

Crooked picture, unbalanced individual

A hollywood moron testifies... (Below threshold)
Mark W:

A hollywood moron testifies to a bunch of criminals and idiots on a subject that neither of them could possibly understand and then people wonder why the government doesn't actually work.

"...so let the big dog eat.... (Below threshold)

"...so let the big dog eat... Oh you wanted advice on the Gulf? I thought you said golf."

I've got all the smarts of ... (Below threshold)

I've got all the smarts of an ingrown lychee nut, and if it wasn't for this big sign, I wouldn't know who I am...

Tin Schlup.... (Below threshold)

Tin Schlup.

Looking at Mr. Costner, I t... (Below threshold)

Looking at Mr. Costner, I think we can all agree that the top kill process is not just for oil wells, if you know what I mean.

This is what you call "rock... (Below threshold)

This is what you call "rock stupid".

You've got to wonder just w... (Below threshold)

You've got to wonder just who is stupider: Costner for thinking he has something important to say, Congress for inviting him, or us for being ultimately responsible for the whole mess...

There are few things in thi... (Below threshold)

There are few things in this world more dense than the mind of a Hollywood actor. Just a few of them could probably plug that leak.

I'm just saying...

I repeat. I did not have s... (Below threshold)
Michael Hamm:

I repeat. I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

"Are you now, or have you e... (Below threshold)

"Are you now, or have you ever been a Hollywood actor?"

Hey, we can dream, can't we?

"I think I'm the best perso... (Below threshold)

"I think I'm the best person to fix this oil spill. Remember, I have gills behind my ears, and webbed feet..."

I have no idea why I am her... (Below threshold)

I have no idea why I am here.

Look on the bright side. Th... (Below threshold)
Jeff Blogworthy:

Look on the bright side. The budget for "Waterworld" still exceeds all costs of the entire Gulf clean-up operation.

Yes, it's true. Barack Obam... (Below threshold)
Jeff Blogworthy:

Yes, it's true. Barack Obama was the inspiration for my character in "No Way Out."

"Senator, speaking as an ex... (Below threshold)

"Senator, speaking as an expert on water disasters ...."

When Congress starts lookin... (Below threshold)

When Congress starts looking to Hollywood for ideas, you know we're screwed.

Costner's waiting for someo... (Below threshold)

Costner's waiting for someone to give him his lines.

And in Washington today Kev... (Below threshold)
M. Malone:

And in Washington today Kevin Costner stood in for a busy Bill Curtis to help explain the finer points of using Google to Rep. Russ Carnahan (D-Mo).

I was told there would be a... (Below threshold)

I was told there would be a teleprompter.

In "The Economy of Dreams",... (Below threshold)

In "The Economy of Dreams", if you stimulate it, it will grow.

I have a warehouse filled w... (Below threshold)
geo Author Profile Page:

I have a warehouse filled with vehicles and a oil tanker all ready to go just as soon as Dennis Hopper can get it underway. Oops sorry forget about Dennis.

I built a machine to separa... (Below threshold)

I built a machine to separate oil from water and I knew you would come.

Back and to the left ... th... (Below threshold)
Natty Dark:

Back and to the left ... the trajectory of our economy is clearly going back and to the left ... back and to the left ...

Look. John Wayne played an ... (Below threshold)
Mark L:

Look. John Wayne played an oil well firefighter in the Hellfighters. My politics are a lot better than that caveman conservative so I obviously know more about plugging oil leaks than Duke did. That's what makes me an expert.

Listen.. I protec... (Below threshold)


I protected Whitney Houston in "The Bodyguard," and she's a mess.

I think I can handle this.

"Why am I here? I was the s... (Below threshold)
Tom Blogical:

"Why am I here? I was the star in Waterworld, wasn't I? That makes me an instant expert."

After sitting quietly at th... (Below threshold)

After sitting quietly at the table for several minutes an alert Congressman thought to say "Action" & Kevin Costner started talking. Now the question is how long to let him talk before saying "Cut".

Scene One, Act One: John "C... (Below threshold)

Scene One, Act One: John "Capper" Stone (played by me) is enjoying a family barbeque, when suddenly the phone rings...

Mr. Costner, awestruck by t... (Below threshold)

Mr. Costner, awestruck by the void that is congress.

Mr. Chairman, while I appre... (Below threshold)

Mr. Chairman, while I appreciate the confidence you have shown by inviting me here to testify, the fact is that I'm an ACTOR, not an expert. What you saw was not a documentary or a news report, but a MOVIE. It was FICTION.

My God, what the hell is wrong with you people?

Tatanka! Tatanka!....TATANK... (Below threshold)
recovered liberal democrat:

Tatanka! Tatanka!....TATANKA!!!!

"Well Senator, I do not kno... (Below threshold)

"Well Senator, I do not know if my experience in "Waterworld" allows me to say one way or another whether former President Clinton's plan to fix the BP oil leak with a giant cigar will work."

Forget Sarah Palin. I'm he... (Below threshold)

Forget Sarah Palin. I'm here to talk about how I can help those two boobs running the country.

Costner: "Hey I spend milli... (Below threshold)

Costner: "Hey I spend millions of my own money to develop this invention for just this kind of disaster, and I'm asking for you to give me a chance to use it."

Dem Senator 1: "We are not interested in something that a private individual has created that actually works. In Washington we only want something that will won't actually work, will cost billions of dollar which will be syphoned off into union,'community' groups, and other campaign contributors organizations."

Dem Senator 2: "Now our most important question is: How did you make 'Shoeless Joe' disappear into the corn field?"

Costner: "I knew I should've gone straight to Bobby Jindal instead."

Senator, my notes say be l... (Below threshold)

Senator, my notes say be like Elliot Ness when talking to Republicans, Bud Johnson to the Democrats. But when I sit in the room with you here, I feel compelled to be Robin Hood.

"Fund it, and I will come!"... (Below threshold)

"Fund it, and I will come!"

"My new movie? Oil World... (Below threshold)

"My new movie? Oil World"

Excuse me senator - I just ... (Below threshold)

Excuse me senator - I just farted! Now what were we discussing?

Senators this gulf mess is ... (Below threshold)

Senators this gulf mess is an easy cleanup. Just dump a few million tampons into the gulf.

How many times do I have to... (Below threshold)

How many times do I have to tell you, I can teach him how to read a teleprompter properly but I don't know anything about oil leaks.

Dances with Oil... (Below threshold)

Dances with Oil

Yes, I know "Waterworld" su... (Below threshold)

Yes, I know "Waterworld" sucked but that gave me a great idea about how to deal with an oil spill.

Given my vast oceanographic... (Below threshold)

Given my vast oceanographic experience in movies, I'd plug the damned hole with oatmeal. Environmentally friendly, and cuts cholesterol.

Kevin Costner in his new mo... (Below threshold)
Hangtown Bob:

Kevin Costner in his new movie, "Dances With Jackals"

"So let me get this straigh... (Below threshold)
Texas Tom:

"So let me get this straight...you won't use my oil recovery machines because... I paid my taxes, invested in practical technology with my own money and don't wear a 'Che' shirt to hearings... Riiiiight. I'm voting Palin in '12."

So...you want me to produce... (Below threshold)

So...you want me to produce and star in an epic about an oil spill without Sarah Palin? No Way.

"Why yes, sir, I am an expe... (Below threshold)
Peter F.:

"Why yes, sir, I am an expert on disasters at sea. You've seen "Waterworld", right?"

With my vast experience not... (Below threshold)
just bob:

With my vast experience not only can I fix the situation in the gulf I can also repair the post office,make peace with the mexican Indians, stop the terrorist, kill organized crime, catch the spies, clean up baseball and protect the president. Hell with my knowledge I should be president.

Kevin Coster announced afte... (Below threshold)

Kevin Coster announced after his testimony he had plans for a new movie; 'Dancing with Morons'.

- Bull Durham dispenses Bul... (Below threshold)
Tsar Nicholas II:

- Bull Durham dispenses Bulls**t on the Gulf Oil Spill

- Fandango with Ignorance

- Tin Brain Meets Tin Eared Congress

- Silverado Tongued Actor Dances with Congressional Untouchables; Gulf Coast Becomes Oilworld

No Congressman Franks, I wi... (Below threshold)

No Congressman Franks, I will NOT dance with your dog.

"Release the Kraken."... (Below threshold)

"Release the Kraken."

Senator Boxer, I've worked ... (Below threshold)
Maggie Mama:

Senator Boxer, I've worked very hard for what I have achieved; therefore, please refer to me as "the Academy Award Winning Actor, Mr. Kevin Costner" when you address me.

"No, Senator Boxer, despite... (Below threshold)
Maggie Mama:

"No, Senator Boxer, despite what Carly thinks I don't believe your hair looks 'soooooooo yesterday.'"

"The world is going to be f... (Below threshold)
retired military:

"The world is going to be flooded by the melted polar caps and I am going to be the only one with gills"

"No VP Biden, the gills in ... (Below threshold)
retired military:

"No VP Biden, the gills in the movie Waterworld were not real"

"Senator, I'm not here to d... (Below threshold)
Maggie Mama:

"Senator, I'm not here to discuss global warming, but rather global stupidity."

"Mr Chairman, I think that ... (Below threshold)
retired military:

"Mr Chairman, I think that Mr Lee Ward is correct. The opposition to global warming was not there until a black man became President"

"Yes, I am also an endanger... (Below threshold)
Roger McGaugh:

"Yes, I am also an endangered species that needs to be protected."

"No Mr President, I do not ... (Below threshold)
retired military:

"No Mr President, I do not want to play the part of Big Daddy, in your kick ass movie"

"Mr President, I cant offer... (Below threshold)
retired military:

"Mr President, I cant offer you advice, That was Harrison Ford in that movie."

"Can someone please take th... (Below threshold)
Roger McGaugh:

"Can someone please take the opening credit away so I can begin speaking?"

"Mr President, bowing to me... (Below threshold)
retired military:

"Mr President, bowing to me was unnescessary"

"Mr President, removing me ... (Below threshold)
retired military:

"Mr President, removing me as a hostile witness is going a bit overboard. I couldnt vote for you in that movie as you werent on ticket."

"Yes, Mr Vice President, it... (Below threshold)
retired military:

"Yes, Mr Vice President, it is a fact that, I am on vacation from being the mysterious navy rescuer saving swimmers in the ocean to testify here."

"I am not, nor have I ever ... (Below threshold)

"I am not, nor have I ever been, a good actor"

No, gentlemen I believe it ... (Below threshold)
Texas Tom:

No, gentlemen I believe it is a jump to the left and a step to the right before your hands go on your hips and your knees are pulled in tight... What oil?

The move to distract the me... (Below threshold)
DJ Drummond:

The move to distract the media from Congress' negligence fails when it is revealed that Mr. Costner replaced the members of Congress with street extras for filming his appearance - and the extras actually understood the issues.

"I believe in the sweet spo... (Below threshold)

"I believe in the sweet spot, soft-core pornography, opening your presents Christmas morning rather than Christmas Eve and I believe in long, slow, deep, soft, wet kisses that last three days"

Hey Kev,' When are we gonna... (Below threshold)

Hey Kev,' When are we gonna shoot " You and flipper and a dog named BO"?

Really, Senator, I have abs... (Below threshold)
Maggie Mama:

Really, Senator, I have absolutely no idea whether all the time Al spent in Hollywood caused his break-up with Tipper.

If anybody wants more infor... (Below threshold)
Tina S:

If anybody wants more information on "Ocean Therapy Solutions", the company I co-founded and go to its website, http://www.ots.org/technology.php .

If you want to learn more about what I testified to congress about then go here, http://democrats.science.house.gov/Media/file/Commdocs/hearings/2010/Energy/9jun/Costner_Testimony.pdf.

You want the truth??... (Below threshold)

You want the truth?? You can't handle the truth!
Sorry! Wrong movie...

Back and to the left.... (Below threshold)

Back and to the left.

...Oh, and easy on the must... (Below threshold)

...Oh, and easy on the mustard.

"So in conclusion, if you w... (Below threshold)
Mike M:

"So in conclusion, if you will provide me with $150m of stimulus funding, I will make a kick ass box office flop about plugging the leak."

Well.. one of Biden's eyeli... (Below threshold)

Well.. one of Biden's eyelids are jammed, and we need a live chicken?.. live chicken to get the hex off of Obama, and nobody seems to know what to get Al or Tipper for their divorce present. We are dealing with a lotta shit out here.

"I'm ready for my governmen... (Below threshold)

"I'm ready for my government funded bailout, now!"

Starts singing there's a ho... (Below threshold)

Starts singing there's a hole in the bottom of the sea

If you spill it, they will ... (Below threshold)

If you spill it, they will come...

"I dont know Mr Biden, if ... (Below threshold)
retired military:

"I dont know Mr Biden, if you come play baseball in my back yard you just may see the '19 Sox"

"I am waiting on Morgan Fre... (Below threshold)
retired military:

"I am waiting on Morgan Freeman to jump up and say "fight, fight with Barrack Obama""

"and in conclusion I would ... (Below threshold)
retired military:

"and in conclusion I would remind the Congressman Oscar nominations are always appreciated"

"well Mr President, if you... (Below threshold)
retired military:

"well Mr President, if you really want to be in movies your wife's bicep routine should help. Hell, it worked for me"

No no. I'm Kevin Costner. D... (Below threshold)

No no. I'm Kevin Costner. Dennis Hopper is dead.

Actually, my Indian name is... (Below threshold)

Actually, my Indian name is "Leaks with oil".

"If Congress doesn't do as ... (Below threshold)
Paul Hooson:

"If Congress doesn't do as I say, I'll make WATERWORLD II".

"Why don't you just add vin... (Below threshold)

"Why don't you just add vinegar to it and sell it to arugula boy."

"And after we hear from Mr.... (Below threshold)

"And after we hear from Mr. Costner and Mr. Cameron, Mr. Larry Flynt will testify about his ideas for getting the oil out of the Gulf."

"Big star, BIG placecard...... (Below threshold)
Sir Toby Belch:

"Big star, BIG placecard.....now, Senator,
I'll sit up as straight as I can so we can see
each other."

"Senator, please address me... (Below threshold)
Sir Toby Belch:

"Senator, please address me as MISTER Costner! I've worked long and hard to gain that title,
.....no need to call me ma'am!"

"I demand that James Earl J... (Below threshold)
Sir Toby Belch:

"I demand that James Earl Jones sit at my side
here to explain my cockamamie theory....but
basically, YES......If you build it, it(the oil) will go."

"Kicking Bird recommends wi... (Below threshold)
Sir Toby Belch:

"Kicking Bird recommends wild rice stalks and
pussy-willow to absorb the oil. Sounds like a
plan to me!"

Man, I used to think I was ... (Below threshold)

Man, I used to think I was younger than this guy?/

If I ever get liberal please shoot me!

"Blah blah blah!! And I vot... (Below threshold)

"Blah blah blah!! And I voted for Barry!!"

My boat....... (Below threshold)

My boat....

Some of you may be smart en... (Below threshold)

Some of you may be smart enough to remember another capable-of-multi-tasking actor who passed this way: The name Ronald Wilson Reagan ring a bell?

It's my understanding that ... (Below threshold)
Maggie Mama:

It's my understanding that the President wanted to hear what I had to say, Senator ... at least that's what "A Message in the Bottle" I found said.

"No, Sir. When I played th... (Below threshold)
Dodo David:

"No, Sir. When I played the part of Robin Hood, I did not actually take money away from people. What do you think I am, a member of Congress?"

"I wish to thank Congress f... (Below threshold)
Dodo David:

"I wish to thank Congress for making "Water World" look good in comparison."

"Well, the Great Manitou ha... (Below threshold)
Sir Toby Belch:

"Well, the Great Manitou has great wisdom,
and could be summoned by any of your commit-
tees if they don wolfskin robes and smoke
the sacred weed....and a vulture sacrifice
would sweeten the pot. That's my best advice."

"Yes, Senator...I AM an hon... (Below threshold)
Sir Toby Belch:

"Yes, Senator...I AM an honorary Arapaho....
and no, Senator, that is NOT Motown street

"to give you an idea as to ... (Below threshold)

"to give you an idea as to the extent of the disaster in the gulf, I have prepared a special calculation. Waterworld is 136 minutes, the gulf oil disaster has been going on since April 20. That makes the event the equivalent of 572 Waterworlds in a row...and growing."

"And another great idea was... (Below threshold)
Sir Toby Belch:

"And another great idea was voiced to me not two moons ago by an old girl-friend, Peggy Sioux, when I was her bodyguard......"

"I call it Waterworld 2: Th... (Below threshold)
retired military:

"I call it Waterworld 2: The kick ass sequal"

Mr President, I think you n... (Below threshold)
retired military:

Mr President, I think you need a bigger boat.

Update: <... (Below threshold)
Kevin Author Profile Page:

Update: Winners announced. Click the link to read the winning entries. The contest is now closed.






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