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Sometimes I Shouldn't Use... Words...

Hey, remember the other week, when I had a suggestion for dealing with airport patdowns? I said since it's inevitable, just go with the flow and enjoy it.

Well, it looks like some guy did just that... and even more than I recommended.

For those who don't want to read the article, here's the summation: there was a gentleman who intended to travel via airplane. Said gentleman had, for whatever reason, decided some time ago that his nether regions were rather bland and unappealing as God had designed, so he decided they needed some "bling." Several pieces of bling.

Said bling showed up on the scanners (big surprise there), so he was singled out for a patdown. A thorough patdown. A patdown involving ascertaining that his ornamentation was purely decorative, and not dangerous. Or, at least, dangerous to his fellow passengers -- I'd rather not speculate on its usage or potential for harm in private.

Apparently this gentleman really appreciated the patdown. Really, really appreciated it. And, being a guy, his appreciation took tangible form.

On the very thorough (and now thoroughly grossed-out) inspector.

The gentleman with the ornate "junk" was arrested and charged with sexually assaulting a federal agent. Apparently you're supposed to stand there and have your genitalia fondled, but it's bad if you enjoy it too much.

Here's a little secret, folks, from a guy: that particular response is not something that is entirely under our control. Yes, we can exert a certain amount of restraint, but it's hardly an absolute thing. There comes a point of no return. And having his ornamentation manipulated that thoroughly was enough for this guy.

For which he was thrown to the floor, handcuffed, and charged with sexual assault.

Poor guy. I bet he didn't even get the screener's phone number.

But think about it. You are legally compelled to stand there and do nothing while a federal agent grabs you in a very personal way (but impersonal manner), in a way that most men would appreciate, but if you enjoy it too much, you'll be arrested. And you will be charged with sexually assaulting the man who ordered you to allow him to grope your genitalia.

Much like the old line about how "he assaulted me -- he kept hitting my fists with his face."

I feel a bit of sympathy for the screener, because he certainly didn't ask for the "p__rl n_ckl_c_" he apparently earned the old-fashioned way. But dammit, if you tease the spitting cobra, you run the risk of getting... er... well, you know.

So when you go through airport security, guys, think of baseball statistics or multiplication tables or corpses or other unpleasant thoughts. Do everything you can to avoid appreciating the "enhanced patdown" that they insist you submit to.

Because that completely ordinary and natural reaction to that form of stimuli can get you arrested.

(Wizbang Bonus Points -- redeemable for absolutely nothing -- for whoever first identifies where I lifted the title from.)

Update: As noted by commenter Dawnsblood (who probably recognized my title quote, too), it turns out I didn't notice that the article was a satire. Damn, it's a sad state of affairs that a story like this is all too plausible. Dawnsblood, you Keyed right into the facts and have a Gift for spotting things I overlooked. My thanks.


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Comments (27)

Jay, That site is... (Below threshold)

That site is a fake (satire) news site. Check the about tab at the top...

Even though it's satire I'm... (Below threshold)

Even though it's satire I'm sure some day it'll happen the way things are going.

Fake, but accurate... (Below threshold)

Fake, but accurate

Damn, I really enjoyed the ... (Below threshold)

Damn, I really enjoyed the story too.

Darn. I was starting to get... (Below threshold)

Darn. I was starting to get a bit excited reading that.

And despite quoting Joss Wh... (Below threshold)

And despite quoting Joss Whedon (pbuh) through his avatar, Xander, and it was a good bit of writing. The topic is as dead as Spike...

Tell me you're not part of ... (Below threshold)

Tell me you're not part of that Facebook Group. PLEASE!

"Sometimes I shouldn't say ... (Below threshold)
Jim Addison:

"Sometimes I shouldn't say words" was the actual quote.

And, NO, I'm not a fanboy. It's just that Sarah Michelle Gellar and I used to have quite a thing. Well, I had quite a thing. She could have, too, but alas, our stars were all crossed 'n' stuff.

Never even had the chance to get really close . . . cursed TRO . . .

Jay Tea, you are the stupid... (Below threshold)

Jay Tea, you are the stupidest person on the internet.

And you came all this way t... (Below threshold)

And you came all this way to give me your crown? faparoo, I'm touched.


Sorry, fap, I'm gonna have ... (Below threshold)

Sorry, fap, I'm gonna have to decline the crown. I have a rather large head, and that crown was designed for your pinhead -- it's just too small.

And didn't you say I banned you? Dang, guess you're like that guy who the witch turned into a newt -- you got better.

Yeah, I screwed up here. Happens. I ain't perfect, don't pretend to be. I coulda deleted this whole entry, but that ain't how I roll.

I like what punk said -- this was a Dan Rather "fake, but accurate" story. It tied in so perfectly to my earlier piece, I leaped before I looked. Wasn't the first time, won't be the last.

I'll get over it. But your insults? Those have left scars that I will take to the grave.


Yeah, Jay Tea. I also note ... (Below threshold)

Yeah, Jay Tea. I also note that you still haven't updated your post in which you use information gleaned from Wikileaks to attack Obama's diplomacy.

In that instance you couldn't be bothered to do a simple google search to discover that Russia and NATO are now, in fact, negotiating on missile defense in Europe relying entirely on Ace of Spades citation of articles from over a year ago to support your claims.

In this case you're so lazy and stupid you can't even be bothered to double check what kind of site calls itself "Dead Serious News."

Obviously the former post is worse than this one, but both of them reveal just how much contempt you have your readership.

You really don't care that you're actively misinforming your readership do you?

You can't do a google search to discover that Russia and NATO are now, if fact, negotiating on missile defense in Europe and you can't even be bothered to check the source on a story that is obviously fake.

My readers KNOW not to take... (Below threshold)

My readers KNOW not to take everything I say as Gospel, faparoo. And if any of them don't, let me take this opportunity to say so:

Do NOT take everything I say as Gospel. Sometimes I make mistakes, sometimes I'm lazy, sometimes I will get satirical and it will not be obvious enough.

And thanks for coming over here to comment. I appreciate the extra traffic stats, and even inmates from the ball-less, spineless Oliver Willis' Home For Frothing Dipshits count as readers.

Man, I really do live, rent-free, inside your head, don't I? I'm starting to feel like Sarah Palin. In fact, I think I'm gonna go out and shoot a moose in your honor.


And didn't you say I ban... (Below threshold)

And didn't you say I banned you?

You really are a shameless liar.

It tied in so perfectly to my earlier piece, I leaped before I looked.

Yeah, just like the wikileaks story from Ace of Spades. It tied into you worldview so why confirm it with your own research? Just link to it and make a stupid joke. Who cares if you're just misinforming your readers.

And how about your claim that the English can't sue the NHS because of "sovereign immunity"?

Why did you ban me then instead of correcting the post?

Jay are you sure that you d... (Below threshold)

Jay are you sure that you don't write for the Onion in your spare time?

My readers KNOW not to t... (Below threshold)

My readers KNOW not to take everything I say as Gospel, faparoo.

Oh I get it now, your readers know not to trust you so you have zero responsibility to publish accurate facts.

Indeed, it seems you take zero personal responsibility period, from your health care to your posting.

What a role model.

faparoo, do you have a diar... (Below threshold)

faparoo, do you have a diary where you write down all your little grievances against me, or am I so important that you can remember them all?

"And didn't you say I banned you?" You said I banned you. Where's the "shameless lie" in noting your own words?

I don't dance to your little demands, faparoo. And the louder you get with your little hissy-fits, the more I will laugh at you.


I don't dance to your li... (Below threshold)

I don't dance to your little demands, faparoo. And the louder you get with your little hissy-fits, the more I will laugh at you.

Demands? Oh, you mean where I ask you why you haven't corrected the significant factual errors in the posts cited above?

Why would you feel any need to do that?

As you pointed out, your readers already know not to trust anything you write and as your actions prove, you have nothing but contempt for them.

So why would you care about deliberately keeping them misinformed?

faparoo, I hereby BAN YOU..... (Below threshold)

faparoo, I hereby BAN YOU... from referring to me as a "role model."

I'm a nobody from nowhere, who thinks about things and writes them up. Kevin's been kind to give me a soapbox to stand on. I've never made any pretensions to anything more.

Folks can read me or not. Folks can react to me or not.

Obviously I am a hell of a writer, with tremendous power to command minds. Look at how worked up I've gotten you. You've got this long laundry list of perceived grievances, and you're using this opportunity to show just how obsessively you've studied my writings.

It really is flattering, in a Robert John Bardo sort of way. But can't you find something more productive to do with your time? Even something non-productive, "faparoo?"

I'm going to bed. It's been a long couple of days at The Day Job, and I'm tired. And quite frankly, you're not worth staying up for.


I'm a nobody from nowher... (Below threshold)

I'm a nobody from nowhere, who thinks about things and writes them up.

Nothing but excuses and self-pitying ones at that.

How sad.

Jay, there's wisdom behind ... (Below threshold)
Jim Addison:

Jay, there's wisdom behind the old advice to avoid wrestling around in the feces with a pig.

You cannot win, and the pig enjoys it.

Jim, that's an aphorism I'v... (Below threshold)

Jim, that's an aphorism I've used many a time. Along with the advice that, the more something seems to confirm your prejudices, the closer you need to scrutinize it.

Looks like I blew both those here. Oh, well; live and learn.

Thanks for the reality check.


faparoo just doen't get it.... (Below threshold)

faparoo just doen't get it. I embrace being a "nobody from nowhere. I revel in it. I wear that label with pride. (Which nobody ever notices, because I'm a nobody from nowhere.)

Apparently, to faparoo, I'm some kind of celebrity and icon. Not to him, of course -- he sees the feet of clay I point to proudly, on a regular basis.

OK, he's sucked up enough time of mine. I've got original material to churn out.


I have to admit that I saw ... (Below threshold)

I have to admit that I saw a really hot TSA agent at the Jax airport yesterday. If you got your pick of agents to do the pat down,she would be a very busy young lady.

Faparoo in full projection mode

"Just go with the flow and ... (Below threshold)

"Just go with the flow and enjoy it???" Isn't it lucky the founders didn't follow this advice a couple hundred years ago. But then, the country contained a great many actual MEN way back when. Today we feature limp-wrists, pusses, wimps, whiners and "intellectuals." What a tragedy.

"fafaroo"<... (Below threshold)


galoob has taken a muslim name.

If you disemvowell fafaroo,... (Below threshold)
Jim Addison:

If you disemvowell fafaroo, you get "ffr."






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