Beware!!! Unitarian Jihad Looms

San Francisco Chronicle columnist Jon Carroll has an amusing exclusive communique from a group he calls Unitarian Jihad, which is worth a full read. Here’s a little selection to give the idea…

People of the United States, why is everyone yelling at you??? Whatever happened to … you know, everything? Why is the news dominated by nutballs saying that the Ten Commandments have to be tattooed inside the eyelids of every American, or that Allah has told them to kill Americans in order to rid the world of Satan, or that Yahweh has instructed them to go live wherever they feel like, or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great idea? Sister Immaculate Dagger of Peace notes for the record that we mean no disrespect to Jews, Muslims, Christians or Hindus. Referred back to the committee of the whole for further discussion.

We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born again, nor have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think that God cares what we read, what we eat or whom we sleep with. Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the record that he does not have a moral code but is nevertheless a good person, and Unexalted Leader Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates that Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity is a good person, and this is to be reflected in the minutes.

Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups with brains enough to understand the difference between political belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of terrorist-like actions. We will take over television studios, kidnap so-called commentators and broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions of the issues of the day. We will not try for “balance” by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues.And the best part is that you can get a Unitarian Jihad name of your very own at the Unitarian Jihad Name Generator.

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18 Comments

  1. SilverBubble April 10, 2005
  2. cirby April 10, 2005
  3. -S- April 10, 2005
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  5. BlogDog April 10, 2005
  6. HelenW April 10, 2005
  7. Michael April 10, 2005
  8. Steve J. April 11, 2005
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  10. Insomniac April 11, 2005
  11. The Atom Bomb of Loving Kindness April 11, 2005
  12. Jewels April 11, 2005
  13. leelu April 11, 2005
  14. Brother Dagger of Desirable Mindfulness April 18, 2005
  15. Sister Neutron Bomb of Reasoned Discussion April 19, 2005
  16. Carol Hensel April 20, 2005
  17. Nahkhiirmees July 1, 2005