This morning’s Boston Herald featured the story of one Wayne Conley. Mr. Conley is currently on parole for a drug conviction, and one of the conditions of his freedom is attending a drug rehabilitation program — which regularly tests participants for drugs.
Mr. Conley had been warned that if he flunked one more test, he would be thrown out. And he knew he would flunk that test, so he tried to “cheat”. He offered his daughter’s seven-year-old cousin a hamburger and fries in exchange for a cup of her urine that he would submit as his own.
But he was a bit more clever than most. He knew that her sample would be too “clean.” As part of his treatment from the clinic, he was supposed to be taking Suboxone, a drug given to treat heroin addicts. So he gave the little girl the drug. But he gave her his dosage — a full adult’s size.
She didn’t take it well. She ended up hallucinating, vomiting uncontrollably, and nearly dying. When the true story finally came out, Conley was sent to jail for three to four years in prison for his twisted scheme.
But one good thing did come out of this. The prosecutor who put him behind bars got Massachusetts to reclassify Suboxone, so now the penalties for misusing it are equivalent to those for cocaine. If anyone else tries to pull what Conley did, they’ll be facing three to four years for just that distributing drugs to a minor” part — on top of the “reckless endangerment of a child” and “assault and battery on a child” charges he was also sent up the river for.
But then again, this is Massachusetts. I fully expect he’ll be free again in about two years or so, looking for a new way to scam a drug test.