But, I have a vagina

I have a vagina, and I insist someone pay to maintain it.  You’ve come a long way, baby.  I remember when you could bring home the bacon, fry it up in a pan, and never – never – let me forget I’m a man.  A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.  You’re gonna make it after all!

It turns out a woman needs a man like a fish needs a taxpayer to subsidize its spawning.   Who knew being born with a vagina entitles you to a lifetime of free vagina care?  A set of knockers gets you free mammograms.  Hey, women have to wipe after they pee so there must be a subsidy to spare women humiliation of running out of toilet paper.  You wanna see a conspicuously wide stance?  Imagine the indignity, being caught short and having to air dry your girlie bits in a public restroom.

You want humiliation?  I once rode my bike four miles to the drugstore with a pocketful of change I took from my little sister’s piggybank when the No Glove, No Love edict came down.  A dumbass, sweaty little punk with a hard-on standing in front of his neighbors and Sunday School teacher holding up the line counting out pennies trying to get the pharmacist to break up a three pack.  Like I’d ever use the other two.  If he doesn’t hurry I’ll finish against this counter before I need the one.

When there’s a will there’s a way.  The Founding Fathers would probably nod in agreement with that sentiment.  Then vomit in rage when informed “a will” is desire to force someone to violate their conscience and “a way” is the force of the Federal government.

Rush erred by going lowbrow on that vapid, self-absorbed bint.  The idea of a 30 year-old student at a $40,000-a-year private law school testifying before Congress about the horrors of paying for birth control is so self-parodical the mockery practically writes itself.  A sympathetic call from Barack Obama?  Too over-the-top.  I would have gone with Janeane Garofalo or something believable.

Wasn’t there a time when “Hands off my body!” or “Hands off my uterus!” reigned supreme in feminist theory.  I guess Washington is an adorable lunk.  Who could blame a gal for wanting Washington’s powerful hands on their body?

Not long ago I saw a story on selective sex abortion.  There was mention of a law to prevent abortions based on sex – some cultures value male children much more highly so these abortions disproportionately affect female babies.  I don’t know how you square that circle.  Her body, her choice and she could be prosecuted for choosing to abort her female baby?  Would you only be able to prosecute the father/husband for coercing her?  If so, what about if he coerced her to have an abortion without knowing the sex because it would be bad for her career?

What if a mother aborted her female baby out of fear the costs of reproductive health would scarcely leave her able to obtain a Doctorate degree from a prestigious private pious university?

Vaginas are difficult to understand.  I assume that’s why they were once a private matter between a woman and her doctor.  Now you consult your Representative for vagina maintenance costing more than four dollars.  And you’re not immediately laughed at and cat-called until you run away in shame.  That says a lot America today.  A wealthy beggar lobbying the state for free rubbers from the church.  And the state suffering it.  I’m glad all our other problems are solved.

Although, one of the gals at my office is having surgery on her feet and a couple of weeks ago another was at the podiatrist.  Through eavesdropping I learned a common denominator is women’s footwear.  Something about cute shoes being somewhat uncomfortable.  If only there were some plucky young law student out there who could take up the cause of free foot care for women.  Keep your hands off my feet!  I hear that one a lot.

I’ve never owned a vagina, only rented or leased, so I’m not really familiar with the costs of maintenance.  I figure it’s maybe about the same as a car.  Change the oil twice a year, rotate the tires annually and replace every two years.  Modern cars hardly need tune-ups at all.  Of course the cost of gas tilts the scale pretty heavily.  And insurance.  I would wager that on balance a vagina is cheaper to maintain than a new Ford Mustang, for example.

You win the lottery of life – you’re born white and wealthy in America – and it just isn’t enough.  You’re special.  You have a vagina.  You deserve more.  A life without consequences.  No respect for conscience after (or before????) choosing to attend a private religious university.  No out-of-pocket expense for birth control.  What a loser.

Frankly, slut is too kind a word.  A slut sleeps with everyone but you (if you’re a guy) or the guy you wanted to sleep with (if you’re a girl), right.  She’s promiscuous.  That’s an insult in America circa 2012?  We celebrate promiscuity.  Well, as long as she’s a sister in good standing.  No, there’s a more appropriate word for someone who uses the power of the state to impose their beliefs.  She’s a fascist.  A greedy, self-absorbed fascist pig feeding at the trough of big government.  Georgetown Law, media cause célèbre, self-absorbed, shameless.  She’ll go far.

Want contraception? Just follow the money (and the special interests)
'Stick It To Obama' Campaign 2012