Backseat confidential

Holy smoke, go away for several months and the whole place changes. Nice to see my key still fits the lock.

Now I know what you’ve all been thinking. Or maybe at least one person has possibly thought, perhaps. “Where the hell has the Baron been lately? Has the handsome devil finally been gunned down by a jealous, cuckolded husband? Was he snatched off the street and secreted away to a remote location for use by the Japanese Women’s Gymnastic team?” Silliness that, as years of moonshining have left me far too cunning for any of those clueless schmoes. And it was the dastardly Brazilians who lured me into that van with their promises of tax-free discount cigarettes.

After months of anguish I not long ago managed to escape, intact, albeit with a badly bruised banana and intense hatred of beverages made with nectar. The ordeal was quite grueling and I’m still a little angry. Mostly at myself. Never, ever, ever get in a strange van. I know better. I knew better. I did it anyway. And there’s not a man out there (and statistically, ~4% of you ladies) who wouldn’t have hopped into that van too.

Anyway, never get into a stranger’s van. I cannot stress this strongly enough.

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Backseat Confidential is an unreleased song by AC/DC from the Highway to Hell sessions. It’s clearly a precursor to the song Beatin’ Around the Bush from that album. This tidbit is brought to you by a non-working visual HTML editor in WordPress, WordPress’ reluctance to accept HTML code, and/or my general ineptitude with HTML. And now it seems the embeddable video I linked is not longer on youtube. Yay! Everything is better once Google touches it.

What joy is awaiting when I finally return home? America’s first confirmed ebola case. I have family that works at the Presbyterian Hospital. I drove by it – and I mean alongside and through the front entrance – last Friday. The community where the victim was visiting is less than ten miles from my door.

Am I worried? Heck, I figure ebola is just here doing the job American viruses won’t do. It would be awfully xenophobic, and dare I say racist, to refuse entry into the United States to any foreign national – regardless of the contagious diseases they bring with them. It’s time we who call ourselves conservatives welcome these foreign borne diseases out of the shadows and into American society. Diversity only makes us stronger.

In the Darwinian sense. A massive pandemic could really help constrain health care costs in the future. And our carbon footprint? Culling ten percent of the US population means an equal reduction in America’s carbon emissions. Why twenty years from now I expect historians will judge our open borders petri dish policy as the key factor in jump-starting a new American Renaissance.

I’m thinking we’re overdue to import some water-borne diarrheal diseases. Just think of the pre-K child care costs and education dollars we could save down the road.

Let us pray that cooler heads prevail and some ill-conceived ebola panic doesn’t interfere with President Obama’s plan for executive amnesty after the mid-terms.

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