OK, it’s Tuesday, so that means it’s time for another Wizbang contest. Or not, depending my mood and inspiration. This time it is.
What would you consider the absolutely WORST possible celebrity spokesperson for a given product, cause, or company?
“Hi, I’m Michael Jackson, and I’m here to talk about Cub Scouts.”
“I’m Rosie O’Donnell, and I never go out without my GloThong.”
“Now, to speak on behalf of ‘Just For Men’ hair coloring products, here’s Michael Jordan.”
“This is Tommy Lee. I’m here on behalf of my friend, Bob. Bob introduced me to Enzyte.”
Winners ought to be announced Thursday. And bonus points will be awarded to anyone who can actually make me sick to my stomach.
J.
“I’m John Kerry, and I am the NRA.”
(Did I mention that I served in Vietnam?)
“This is Senator Robert Byrd, asking you to support the United Negro College Fund…”
Wide shot of two women walking down a beach…
Chelsea Clinton: “Mom, do you douche?”
Don’t go overboard on cruise packages! Hi, I’m Leon Klinghoffer and you can take if from me: you can’t go lower than the rock bottom prices at Lauro Lines.
“Hello, folks, Michael Schiavo here. I want to talk to you about estate planning.”
Hi, I’m Roman Polanski, and I’d like you to try out my new combination Dating and One-Way Travel Service.
Hi, I’m John Kerry, and I’m running for President.
(dated, I know)
“I’m Michael Schiavo and I’d like to talk to you about Ensure, the nutritional supplement used in 4 out of 5 hospices and long-term care facilities.”
(this should get me an honorary bad taste award, if nothing else…)
The saudi embassy
“Eat pork, the other white meat”
terresa heinz kerry – hunts catsup
This is William Hung. She Bangs. She Bangs.
He Bangs. With Viagra.
The Darth Vader School Of Personel Management
Hi, I’m Gary Condit. It’s 10pm. Do you know where your children are?
—
Hi, I’m George Lucas. Your generous donation to the American Film Preservation Society can help keep classic movies looking just the way you remember them.
—
Hi, I’m Robert Byrd. And when I need to get my sheets their absolute whitest, I reach for Clorox bleach.
—
Hi, I’m Ted Kaczynski. Why pay more for Fedex or UPS overnight when you can save big with Express Mail Second Day Service from the U.S. Postal Service?
“Hello, I’m Rance, here to introduce you to Faux Celebrity Trolling, something everyone with any insecurities can really use when they want to feel, oh, you know, really important.”
Ha, game over, Part II, bullwinkle wins, top o’ the thread (^^).
Hi! This is O.J. Simpson… and Scott Peterson… and Michael Schiavo for the First Husbands Club
“Hi, I’m Madeleine Albright.”
“And I’m Helen Thomas.”
“We’re here to talk to you this morning, over breakfast, about the Today contraceptive sponge. How do you like your eggs?”
Oprah Winfrey: New spokesperson for Family Dollar Stores.
Maureen (bah humbug) Dowd: Celebrate the holidays with this new CD set “Top 50 Christmas Carols of all Times” with two versions of Rudolph the Red-Nose Reindeer.
Sarah Brady: Let’s arm the criminal and keep him robbing, murdering and raping.
Sarah Brady endorses the NRA and contributes a $1 million dollars.
Trimspa baby! – Michael Moore
“Hi, I’m Kofi Annan. You know, when I think oil I think PermaLube.”
Hello, I’m Craig Corrie, and I’m here to introduce the new product line of fine Caterpillar bulldozers and tractors.
Mike Shiavo for Geritol…”My wife…I think I’ll keep her.”
(Gotta be old to remember that one.)
Ted Kennedy for Speedo, here!
Barney Frank for KY Warming Lubricant.
This is your Dear Leader Kim Jung Il, son of our Great Leader and President Kim Il Sung, and I’m here to tell you how great democracy and capitalism have been for the DPRK.
(Note: even though he’s dead, Kim Il Sung is still considered the president of Korea.)
“How much did you spend on your morning cup of coffee today? A dollar? A dollar fifty? Two dollars?”
“Did you know that for fifty cents a day, less than the cost of a fast-food dinner every month, you can provide nourishing food, clean water, and life-saving medical treatment for a starving African child like Mbutu here? Hi, I’m Michael Schiavo for Save the Children, and…”
“…and that’s why we feel the NAACP is still an important civil rights force today. Just ask our new spokesman, Senator Bob Byrd.”
“I’m Helen Thomas, and I know I always feel sexy in the Victoria’s Secret ‘Barely There’ collection.”
[Note to self: NEVER allow previous sentence to gestate into mental image]
OSAMA BIN LADEN here for Viagra. Up until this wonderful product which works just as well in a luxurious penthouse or a cave, I hadn’t Bin Laden years!
“Hello. My name is Carrot Top. Not only am I the President of the Hair Club for Men, I’m also a Client…”
“I’m Angelina Jolie…”
“…and I’m Billy Bob Thornton…”
“and we’d like to talk to you about donating blood to the Red Cross…”
Ellen Degeneres: “Viagra…so every man can finally get it UP.”
Fidel Castro: I’ve fallen and I can’t get up. Be happy, don’t worry. Fearless leader has Medic Alert.
Hi, I’m Koffi Annan and this is my son Kojo. Together we would like to remind you of the wonderful things the UN is doing in Darfur region of Sudan and the Congo… and to ask you to donate to UNICEF. Rest assured… all the money will go to the children.
(gazes dreamily @ Kojo)
Gary Condit: “When you go to your local grocery mart, be sure to purchase the National Enquirer found on the aisle right next to the checkout cashier.”
My name is Abu Musab al-Zarqawi and I’d like to talk with you about Geico car insurance.
Hi, I’m Mother Teresa and I’d like to introduce our new “Better Sex” video.
Hi I’m Jay Tea, spokesperson for the Committee to Re-elect Ted Kennedy.
Hey, you said we got bonus points if we made you sick.
This is Clay Aiken for Girls Gone Wilds. I love hot chicks! Especially when they get naked.
I’m Sean Penn and I want to share with you the countless hours of joy I’ve experienced with my “Gaither Family Homecoming” videos, and for a limited time only…”
“…so once again, this is Michael Moore signing off, and reminding you, ‘If cannonball’s your game, Speedo’s got your name.'”